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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 654995" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welome struggling Mom. I'm so sorry you're going through this with your son. You've arrived in a safe place where we understand how you feel because we've been in your shoes.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Detachment is what is now necessary for you to do with your son. YOU will need to make the changes, it is unlikely that he will at this point. You will need to set boundaries around his behavior and learn to respond differently. It is not easy to do, in fact, it is very difficult because it goes against all of our natural tendencies with our kids. We want to help, we want to support them, we want to love them. However, none of that is going to change him. You cannot control his life, only he can.</p><p></p><p>That guilt you feel is a part of this for us, however, it not only serves no purpose, it will keep you stuck longer. The guilt is a product of what you believe you SHOULD be doing and letting it go will likely take some help for you. I highly recommend you find a therapist, counselor, support group or some kind of professional assistance. It is very difficult to do this alone. You might call NAMI, they have excellent parent courses which will give you some guidance and information for an adult child who has mental issues. They can assist you in getting help <u>for you</u>. You can access them online and they have chapters in most major cities and towns.</p><p></p><p>I have a 42 year old daughter who has mental issues and refuses help of any kind. She is presently couch surfing in a relatively safe place and apparently can stay there indefinitely. I've been exactly where you find yourself, a mere 3 1/2 years ago. I was devastated, exhausted, angry, filled with guilt and sorrow, resentful, cried a lot and felt I had no where to turn. I knew I could not go through this alone and I sought help. I found a codependency program offered by a large HMO here in California which offered private therapy and a parent group. It changed my life. I learned the tools necessary to change the pattern I had developed with my daughter......I received support to make those changes.......I learned what my part in the connection was and I changed how I responded. I learned to let go of the guilt and I found peace within the chaos of having a troubled adult child. I found this forum and began writing down how I felt and receiving guidance and support from others further along the detachment path. I went to 12 step groups, I read a lot of books about detachment and letting go, the ones which helped me the most were books by Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chodron and Brene Brown. The Power of Now and the New Earth by Tolle and any book by Chodron but especially Living with Uncertainty. </p><p></p><p>This is a process. It's challenging and doesn't follow a linear path. It often follows the 5 stages of grief, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Not necessarily in that order, often we cycle through them repeatedly. </p><p></p><p>My advice to you would be to continue posting here, it helps considerably to be heard and acknowledged and to not feel alone anymore. Find a therapist or someone to help you through this. Read books that guide and inspire you. Take the focus off of your son and put it on to YOU, where it belongs. Every single day, do at least one kind and nurturing thing for yourself. Begin to say no and set boundaries. Take a step back and refrain from your usual responses........take your life back, you deserve to be happy and feel serenity. <em>It is time to make your life the priority.</em></p><p></p><p>I'm glad you're here. You're not alone anymore. Sending you a hug for your wounded heart.......<em>take care of <u>you</u> now.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 654995, member: 13542"] Welome struggling Mom. I'm so sorry you're going through this with your son. You've arrived in a safe place where we understand how you feel because we've been in your shoes. You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Detachment is what is now necessary for you to do with your son. YOU will need to make the changes, it is unlikely that he will at this point. You will need to set boundaries around his behavior and learn to respond differently. It is not easy to do, in fact, it is very difficult because it goes against all of our natural tendencies with our kids. We want to help, we want to support them, we want to love them. However, none of that is going to change him. You cannot control his life, only he can. That guilt you feel is a part of this for us, however, it not only serves no purpose, it will keep you stuck longer. The guilt is a product of what you believe you SHOULD be doing and letting it go will likely take some help for you. I highly recommend you find a therapist, counselor, support group or some kind of professional assistance. It is very difficult to do this alone. You might call NAMI, they have excellent parent courses which will give you some guidance and information for an adult child who has mental issues. They can assist you in getting help [U]for you[/U]. You can access them online and they have chapters in most major cities and towns. I have a 42 year old daughter who has mental issues and refuses help of any kind. She is presently couch surfing in a relatively safe place and apparently can stay there indefinitely. I've been exactly where you find yourself, a mere 3 1/2 years ago. I was devastated, exhausted, angry, filled with guilt and sorrow, resentful, cried a lot and felt I had no where to turn. I knew I could not go through this alone and I sought help. I found a codependency program offered by a large HMO here in California which offered private therapy and a parent group. It changed my life. I learned the tools necessary to change the pattern I had developed with my daughter......I received support to make those changes.......I learned what my part in the connection was and I changed how I responded. I learned to let go of the guilt and I found peace within the chaos of having a troubled adult child. I found this forum and began writing down how I felt and receiving guidance and support from others further along the detachment path. I went to 12 step groups, I read a lot of books about detachment and letting go, the ones which helped me the most were books by Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chodron and Brene Brown. The Power of Now and the New Earth by Tolle and any book by Chodron but especially Living with Uncertainty. This is a process. It's challenging and doesn't follow a linear path. It often follows the 5 stages of grief, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Not necessarily in that order, often we cycle through them repeatedly. My advice to you would be to continue posting here, it helps considerably to be heard and acknowledged and to not feel alone anymore. Find a therapist or someone to help you through this. Read books that guide and inspire you. Take the focus off of your son and put it on to YOU, where it belongs. Every single day, do at least one kind and nurturing thing for yourself. Begin to say no and set boundaries. Take a step back and refrain from your usual responses........take your life back, you deserve to be happy and feel serenity. [I]It is time to make your life the priority.[/I] I'm glad you're here. You're not alone anymore. Sending you a hug for your wounded heart.......[I]take care of [U]you[/U] now.[/I] [/QUOTE]
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