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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 655029" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi again Struggling Mom</p><p></p><p>My 26 year old son was born drug exposed, to parents who were homeless, on drugs, and probably mentally ill. He was taken from them and went to an orphanage just weeks after his birth.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I feel guilty because I gave him opportunities. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out. I am highly educated with a profession. Because of advantages he got by living with me, he speaks multiple languages (we traveled a lot), is articulate, intelligent and can be socially adept. But he seems unable to put these talents and capacities into practice in a way that in any way improves his life.</p><p></p><p>It is like he can make it shored up by a Mommy, but seems lost otherwise. He drifts looking for free and cheap places to stay...has little motivation...and no real goals except to get to a homeless shelter in a big city near us. The highlight of his life...were the years in his childhood that we traveled a lot and lived in various foreign countries. Sometimes, I feel I set him up.</p><p></p><p>While he receives SSI for mental illness, he does not think he is mentally ill and does not believe he needs therapy or drug treatment. To him, the solution is always the same: that somebody step in and treat him like a child---help him clean up his messes (literally and interpersonal), find what he has lost, loan him money, give him a free place to stay, lots of good food, and listen to him complain about the problems that have been caused by the above....without saying one thing....except yes....you can...yes I will....and nothing more. All on his terms.</p><p></p><p>My guilt (and really, what did we do wrong...except want to be mothers?) only hurts him. Because he can use it to manipulate me to say yes...yes...yes...yes...infinitely.</p><p></p><p>If I continue along that road...he really has no chance of a future...and what will happen when I die?</p><p></p><p>Really, why is he any different from any other adult?</p><p></p><p>So it really is a set up to put the words guilt and love in the same sentence. The only way I can love, really love my son now--is to get out of his way.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing in my son's history that is his fault. However everything in his life is his responsibility. Everything.</p><p></p><p>A paradoxical thing is happening strugglingmom. The more I resist taking responsibility for everything that goes wrong, the more he seems to step up. I do not mean to imply that he is acting responsibly...yet....(I have hope.) But he is accepting my limits more. He is listening more (and not so much hanging up on me.) Yes, he still plays the martyr but...he calls back and apologizes. We are having a conversation about his life. A true conversation (Scent of Cedar talks about that--our responsibility to tell them the truth and to always take a stand for their doing the stronger and righter thing.)</p><p></p><p>Nothing about life is promised. I do not know what life holds for my only child. However, this is the thing that makes that uncertainty more tolerable: I can decide to take care of me.</p><p></p><p>It is not my son's responsibility to take care of me. My hopes, fears, needs, desires...are my responsibility. Not his. That is one of the primary messages of this site.</p><p></p><p>This is a very hopeful and powerful thing. We can be independent, happy, and whole. Maybe that will be possible, for our sons. We cannot choose for our sons or do it for them. Only for ourselves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 655029, member: 18958"] Hi again Struggling Mom My 26 year old son was born drug exposed, to parents who were homeless, on drugs, and probably mentally ill. He was taken from them and went to an orphanage just weeks after his birth. Sometimes I feel guilty because I gave him opportunities. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out. I am highly educated with a profession. Because of advantages he got by living with me, he speaks multiple languages (we traveled a lot), is articulate, intelligent and can be socially adept. But he seems unable to put these talents and capacities into practice in a way that in any way improves his life. It is like he can make it shored up by a Mommy, but seems lost otherwise. He drifts looking for free and cheap places to stay...has little motivation...and no real goals except to get to a homeless shelter in a big city near us. The highlight of his life...were the years in his childhood that we traveled a lot and lived in various foreign countries. Sometimes, I feel I set him up. While he receives SSI for mental illness, he does not think he is mentally ill and does not believe he needs therapy or drug treatment. To him, the solution is always the same: that somebody step in and treat him like a child---help him clean up his messes (literally and interpersonal), find what he has lost, loan him money, give him a free place to stay, lots of good food, and listen to him complain about the problems that have been caused by the above....without saying one thing....except yes....you can...yes I will....and nothing more. All on his terms. My guilt (and really, what did we do wrong...except want to be mothers?) only hurts him. Because he can use it to manipulate me to say yes...yes...yes...yes...infinitely. If I continue along that road...he really has no chance of a future...and what will happen when I die? Really, why is he any different from any other adult? So it really is a set up to put the words guilt and love in the same sentence. The only way I can love, really love my son now--is to get out of his way. There is nothing in my son's history that is his fault. However everything in his life is his responsibility. Everything. A paradoxical thing is happening strugglingmom. The more I resist taking responsibility for everything that goes wrong, the more he seems to step up. I do not mean to imply that he is acting responsibly...yet....(I have hope.) But he is accepting my limits more. He is listening more (and not so much hanging up on me.) Yes, he still plays the martyr but...he calls back and apologizes. We are having a conversation about his life. A true conversation (Scent of Cedar talks about that--our responsibility to tell them the truth and to always take a stand for their doing the stronger and righter thing.) Nothing about life is promised. I do not know what life holds for my only child. However, this is the thing that makes that uncertainty more tolerable: I can decide to take care of me. It is not my son's responsibility to take care of me. My hopes, fears, needs, desires...are my responsibility. Not his. That is one of the primary messages of this site. This is a very hopeful and powerful thing. We can be independent, happy, and whole. Maybe that will be possible, for our sons. We cannot choose for our sons or do it for them. Only for ourselves. [/QUOTE]
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