I don't know where we will all end up, with older son but at least we are being clearer with him. He is such an amazing and smart young man, I just grieve over his choices since high school. He told me yesterday he thinks he is depressed, and plans on giving up drinking as its getting out of hand. I think he has replaced hard drugs with alcohol. I suggested seeing our Doctor. But it's up to him.
I know this is very hard, but it is the right thing.
Setting boundaries and expectations.
Our kids, oh how we love them and grieve over the path they are on.
It just makes no sense.
What happened to the kids we loved so incredibly fully with our whole hearts?
They grew up, and made bad choices.
It is understandable, when we just
go into a spin over it.
Thinking back, I remember Colleen, when I first found out my two were into harder drugs.
I found a little bag with white powder residue, much later, I found a glass pipe.
They both looked at me
incredulously as if I was out of my mind. Denial.
"That is not mine. I don't do that stuff, just a little pot here and there."
When their behavior got more erratic, it took me a while to realize what was happening, and to face it.
It was so hard.
I wanted to vomit.
I was physically and mentally shaken.
It was hard to get out of that sinking, hopeless, desperate state.
I would "put on the mask" and go to work.
It was exhausting.
I am sorry for the heartache of this.
It is devastating.
The thing of it is,
I was devastated and miserable, but the kids were not.
It is as if
I took the brunt of the negative impact of their drug use,
and they were out there having a blast.
I don't know why this happens, it just does.
They go off the rails, and we feel all the pain of it.
It makes us go crazy, and spin, and it makes it hard to make good decisions, regarding them.
This is actually what they want,
they don't want us to be clear headed, strong,
because it keeps us from making rational decisions.
I held on way too long.
I tried and tried over and again.
It didn't work.
My kids dug themselves deeper into the drug scene, because having them at home afforded them that.
My two, at home,
funded their drug activities.
It was too easy for them, and it nearly killed me.
You are taking baby steps to put your foot down and stop the craziness.
Good.
Take very good care of yourself, because this is the time when it is hard.
It is a reality slap in the face.
All of your mothering instincts are going to be screaming at you still,
that you can stop your sons bad choices.
But, you cannot.
Keep saying this, it is so true,
it is up to him.
Your sons have much more of a chance then my daughters, Colleen,
because you are learning this early on,
that helping them is not helping them.
I wish I had known earlier.
Things would have been much different
.
I would not have held on for so long..............
I am glad you are back posting. It was the key for me,
to keep writing things out, and still is.
I can see it on the screen, like journaling.
It gets the toxic sludge that this builds up inside.....OUT.
I have come to the conclusion that taking care of myself and living well
is the best thing I can do for my children, all of them.
Especially my two, who are still making bad choices.
I am showing them by example, how to live.
That is where I am at.
I am done going down the drain for them.
What good does it do, of we self destruct with them?
No good.
It does nothing.
There is always hope. Hope for all of us and our d cs.
Stay strong dear, stay the course.
(((HUGS)))
leafy