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Struggling with decisions
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 706752" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Hi and Welcome to the group. This truly is a soft place to land. Each of us gives advice based on our own point of view and we understand TOTALLY that you will only use the advice that you feel is right for you at the time. No one here will judge you or blame you, not EVER! </p><p></p><p>I would not allow her to move in with you. Yes she is young, but she is an adult. You have younger children and you have her child. THEY are the priority, not her. She gave up the right to be the top priority when she gave birth to a child. Her child is the priority and right now, her child needs stability and safety. Letting a drug addict who deals and runs the street back into the house is just not a wise thing to do. If this was a stranger you would NEVER EVER allow them to come into your home to rent a room with your children and grandchildren, much less yourself. Especially not with that record! Just because it is your daughter doesn't mean her record is any less scary or dangerous. </p><p></p><p>So what if the family thinks she should live with you? Why don't all those people with opinions open up their homes and let her live with them? Oh, yeah, because that would mean that they had to deal with her and not just run their mouths. It is really really easy to tell someone that they should let a drug using, drug dealing violent felon live in their home with their children, but it is a whole different thing when it is YOUR home, isn't it?</p><p></p><p>I know you love your daughter with all your heart. I also know you are angry with her on some levels. She blames you for everything because that is easy. She isn't ready to be clean and sober or to take responsiblity for her life and her choices. Until she is, she may blame you. That is HER PROBLEM. </p><p></p><p>Did you ever wake up and ask yourself how you could mess your daughter up the most that day? How you could cause her the most problems and make her the most miserable? I am willing to bet my income that you NEVER did that. So you are NOT to blame for her problems. You did the absolute best you could, and that is all you can do. Sure you made mistakes. You are human. She made mistakes too. Who is her daughter going to blame when she grows up? Was she doing the best she could for her daughter when she was out dealing drugs and running the streets? No, she wasn't and she knows it. She blames you because that is the easy way out and she knows you will love her anyway. </p><p></p><p>But you can love her and not put up with her garbage, her nonsense, her bull excrement. You can love her and set boundaries and maintain them. There is absolutely zero reason to sacrifice your granddaughter's well being on the altar of what your daughter wants. It absolutely is NOT best for your granddaughter to have her mom back in the house right away, not with charges like that. Your daughter needs to spend a year or maybe two PROVING she can live right before she earns the PRIVILEGE of living with her daughter. She needs to be drug free, earning a good living doing a straight job, and she needs to be going to meetings and doing all that her PO demands of her and getting along with the family. Until then, her time with her daughter needs to be short and supervised.</p><p></p><p>I would not give her money or much help. The help she is getting is called supporting ehr daughter. It is what it is, and the more money you give her, the more help you give her, the more she will have to go get into trouble.</p><p></p><p>Have you gotten any help or support? Alanon and Narcanon are great for families of addicts/alcoholics. Addiction truly is a family disease and until the family gets help, it is passed from one generation to the next. Alanon is a great way to not only learn to set boundaries with your daughter but also learn to not pass along issues to your granddaughter. Alanon/Narcanon meetings also provide support and people who will help you set and maintain boundaries that you think are sane rather than just what your family thinks you should do because it is easiest for them. Sometimes as a parent you have to be tough and make your kids grow up and face the conseqeunces of their actions, but your other kids especially don't see that or like it. They can be hard on you if you do that or if you put someone else's needs first, like your granddaughter's needs first. Meetings are usually pretty easy to find. If you go to one and don't like it, please don't just quit. Go to meetings in different places and at different times in the same places because each meeting has a different dynamic and you may need to try several to find the one that is right for you. </p><p></p><p>It also might help to see a therapist, someone to talk to as you go through all of this. I don't know where you work, but many jobs have what is called an Employee Assistance Program, or EAP. It is usually listed in the HR part of the Employee Manual. Most EAPs give you a few sessions with a therapist for free to work out a problem. Even if you don't have one of these, it is a good idea to have someone you can talk to and get an objective point of view and an unbiased opinion. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope that you are able to enjoy your day with your granddaughter and take some time just to have a cup of coffee or tea and relax.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 706752, member: 1233"] Hi and Welcome to the group. This truly is a soft place to land. Each of us gives advice based on our own point of view and we understand TOTALLY that you will only use the advice that you feel is right for you at the time. No one here will judge you or blame you, not EVER! I would not allow her to move in with you. Yes she is young, but she is an adult. You have younger children and you have her child. THEY are the priority, not her. She gave up the right to be the top priority when she gave birth to a child. Her child is the priority and right now, her child needs stability and safety. Letting a drug addict who deals and runs the street back into the house is just not a wise thing to do. If this was a stranger you would NEVER EVER allow them to come into your home to rent a room with your children and grandchildren, much less yourself. Especially not with that record! Just because it is your daughter doesn't mean her record is any less scary or dangerous. So what if the family thinks she should live with you? Why don't all those people with opinions open up their homes and let her live with them? Oh, yeah, because that would mean that they had to deal with her and not just run their mouths. It is really really easy to tell someone that they should let a drug using, drug dealing violent felon live in their home with their children, but it is a whole different thing when it is YOUR home, isn't it? I know you love your daughter with all your heart. I also know you are angry with her on some levels. She blames you for everything because that is easy. She isn't ready to be clean and sober or to take responsiblity for her life and her choices. Until she is, she may blame you. That is HER PROBLEM. Did you ever wake up and ask yourself how you could mess your daughter up the most that day? How you could cause her the most problems and make her the most miserable? I am willing to bet my income that you NEVER did that. So you are NOT to blame for her problems. You did the absolute best you could, and that is all you can do. Sure you made mistakes. You are human. She made mistakes too. Who is her daughter going to blame when she grows up? Was she doing the best she could for her daughter when she was out dealing drugs and running the streets? No, she wasn't and she knows it. She blames you because that is the easy way out and she knows you will love her anyway. But you can love her and not put up with her garbage, her nonsense, her bull excrement. You can love her and set boundaries and maintain them. There is absolutely zero reason to sacrifice your granddaughter's well being on the altar of what your daughter wants. It absolutely is NOT best for your granddaughter to have her mom back in the house right away, not with charges like that. Your daughter needs to spend a year or maybe two PROVING she can live right before she earns the PRIVILEGE of living with her daughter. She needs to be drug free, earning a good living doing a straight job, and she needs to be going to meetings and doing all that her PO demands of her and getting along with the family. Until then, her time with her daughter needs to be short and supervised. I would not give her money or much help. The help she is getting is called supporting ehr daughter. It is what it is, and the more money you give her, the more help you give her, the more she will have to go get into trouble. Have you gotten any help or support? Alanon and Narcanon are great for families of addicts/alcoholics. Addiction truly is a family disease and until the family gets help, it is passed from one generation to the next. Alanon is a great way to not only learn to set boundaries with your daughter but also learn to not pass along issues to your granddaughter. Alanon/Narcanon meetings also provide support and people who will help you set and maintain boundaries that you think are sane rather than just what your family thinks you should do because it is easiest for them. Sometimes as a parent you have to be tough and make your kids grow up and face the conseqeunces of their actions, but your other kids especially don't see that or like it. They can be hard on you if you do that or if you put someone else's needs first, like your granddaughter's needs first. Meetings are usually pretty easy to find. If you go to one and don't like it, please don't just quit. Go to meetings in different places and at different times in the same places because each meeting has a different dynamic and you may need to try several to find the one that is right for you. It also might help to see a therapist, someone to talk to as you go through all of this. I don't know where you work, but many jobs have what is called an Employee Assistance Program, or EAP. It is usually listed in the HR part of the Employee Manual. Most EAPs give you a few sessions with a therapist for free to work out a problem. Even if you don't have one of these, it is a good idea to have someone you can talk to and get an objective point of view and an unbiased opinion. I am sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope that you are able to enjoy your day with your granddaughter and take some time just to have a cup of coffee or tea and relax. [/QUOTE]
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