Steely
Active Member
I have been so ptsd lately, that even a sudden move, or sound, makes me jump. I suddenly started having panic attacks again, that had previously subsided, but they are back to the point of feeling like physically wild coyotes are running towards me for the kill.
I can't really make heads or tails out of this. Why all of the sudden? And what can I do to make this stop forever?
I talked to my counselor today, and there are many stressors, but most of which have been there for a year or more.
The only new things are that work is again more stressful than usual, and my boss raked me over the coals for something in a somewhat verbally abusive way. In addition, as my last post stated, I am the one who has ended up busting Ms Harassing Ding Dongs face, ( even though she has been gone for 3 months from my location). Actually it was this day, the day of the bust, before I ever knew that ding dong was going to be involved in the investigation, when the panic attacks started.
Other things - I miss difficult child more than ever in the last 4 months. He is doing OK, and we are having these phone calls, that are supposed to be focused on only positive interactions and me not enabling him. Which is great & healthy, but yet weird, and unsettling. My whole life I have fixed his problems.
And I miss H. It will be a one year anniversary of her death next month. I still cannot seem to accept that she is gone forever.
Of course any of that is enough to make one stressed - but this PTSD thing has been abated for at least 3 months despite these previous mentioned issues.
It seems that work seems to be the trigger - and I don't know why. I told my counselor today that I was the only one in a store of 100 that would/has and will tell my manager to stick it where the sun don't shine - and yet when she yells at me in this certain way - I become a quivering child. My counselor said, which I thought was revelation, that my adult self completely created herself as this strong person from the age of 16 - and yet that inner child was not healed - and therefore, if I am not prepared as the adult, and get caught off guard, the little child takes over.
As hokey as it sounds, it actually makes sense. I can be the strongest person in the world, until someone starts to abuse me or threaten me - and then I go into this PTSD mode. All shakey, whiney.
What do you do? The problem with this is that I am usually caught off guard with my boss yelling, or busting Ms. Ding Dong - so I am not mentally prepared to be in my adult mode. And then my body takes over.
I have not been able to breathe in 3 days. I have chest, arm, hand pain. I called the cardiologist today, just to make sure, because I am scared. And I am just physically scared, of every little thing.
I just talked to my friend, who encouraged me to dismiss every little thing my boss says and to not engage when she is in this "fueling the fire mode". Whether it is personal, work related, etc. And then I can come back to it, when or if she can be mentally healthy about her discussion.
I can't really make heads or tails out of this. Why all of the sudden? And what can I do to make this stop forever?
I talked to my counselor today, and there are many stressors, but most of which have been there for a year or more.
The only new things are that work is again more stressful than usual, and my boss raked me over the coals for something in a somewhat verbally abusive way. In addition, as my last post stated, I am the one who has ended up busting Ms Harassing Ding Dongs face, ( even though she has been gone for 3 months from my location). Actually it was this day, the day of the bust, before I ever knew that ding dong was going to be involved in the investigation, when the panic attacks started.
Other things - I miss difficult child more than ever in the last 4 months. He is doing OK, and we are having these phone calls, that are supposed to be focused on only positive interactions and me not enabling him. Which is great & healthy, but yet weird, and unsettling. My whole life I have fixed his problems.
And I miss H. It will be a one year anniversary of her death next month. I still cannot seem to accept that she is gone forever.
Of course any of that is enough to make one stressed - but this PTSD thing has been abated for at least 3 months despite these previous mentioned issues.
It seems that work seems to be the trigger - and I don't know why. I told my counselor today that I was the only one in a store of 100 that would/has and will tell my manager to stick it where the sun don't shine - and yet when she yells at me in this certain way - I become a quivering child. My counselor said, which I thought was revelation, that my adult self completely created herself as this strong person from the age of 16 - and yet that inner child was not healed - and therefore, if I am not prepared as the adult, and get caught off guard, the little child takes over.
As hokey as it sounds, it actually makes sense. I can be the strongest person in the world, until someone starts to abuse me or threaten me - and then I go into this PTSD mode. All shakey, whiney.
What do you do? The problem with this is that I am usually caught off guard with my boss yelling, or busting Ms. Ding Dong - so I am not mentally prepared to be in my adult mode. And then my body takes over.
I have not been able to breathe in 3 days. I have chest, arm, hand pain. I called the cardiologist today, just to make sure, because I am scared. And I am just physically scared, of every little thing.
I just talked to my friend, who encouraged me to dismiss every little thing my boss says and to not engage when she is in this "fueling the fire mode". Whether it is personal, work related, etc. And then I can come back to it, when or if she can be mentally healthy about her discussion.
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