Struggling with my 4 year olds uncontrollable violent rage

Wiped Out

Well-Known Member
Staff member
We had that problem when our difficult child was in fifth grade. There was one particular boy in particular who knew how to push all of my difficult child's buttons. He would do things when the teachers weren't looking and then difficult child would react. The boy's parent completely thought their child was innocent and that my son should be removed from the school. He felt our son received special treatment because my husband worked at the same school.

Thankfully a few teachers did notice the other boy at times instigating things and the After School program told the dad that his son was as guilty as our son because they often saw the boy instigating things with difficult child.

Wish I had some great advice. I don't think I would contact the parents, however, I would contact the school. With all of the anti-bullying programs at schools this should definitely be addressed.

I'm sorry; I know how difficult this is.


New Member
I called the kindergarten when i got home, they said they have noticed it too, they do it to other children as well , they are concerned that they're now doing it sneakily , they agree with me that this bullying behaviour isn't ok either and the girls probably need to help to stop this behaviour ,theyre going to keep a close eye on it and talk to their parents without naming my child which is good because one of the girls mother is actually and old work colleague of mine .Still i can't stop this really, there will always be other children who will pick on her, its so easy to wind her up, i want to make her more resilient but i dont know how.


Well-Known Member
nzmum, my grandson has a huge target on his back, too (he's 8) and the other boys, so much more socially aware and sneaky, have used it to their advantage. It's the most awful thing to see. My grandson really has no friends at school because the meltdowns he had during kindergarten and first grade are still being held against him. And while he has improved and matured so much, he still has social challenges. It's funny, but the girls in his class are actually are far less mean than the boys. Is there a social skills class at the school? My grandson attended one, led by a family therapist once a week during the school day, with other kids that were having the same problem. It did bring awareness, and he knew he wasn't the only one having trouble negotiating the incredibly complicated world of school. We've used a lot of different books from various websites, and we just keep plugging away trying to find something that sticks. Or maybe it's all sticking and we just don't know it yet. Kind of like planting seeds: sometimes you have to wait awhile to see what you're going to get.

Here's what we had to do during his kinder year: he only stayed in school for 90 minutes a day for the first half the year. And a member of our family was on the playground for every recess to really watch what was going on. The "recess aides" and monitors were woefully unaware of what was going on. They simply don't have enough eyes, and many didn't have the sense of "with-it-ness" to understand what was happening right under their noses. I bought a school copy of "The Explosive Child" and we had a meeting to discuss it and try to get everyone on the same page. He's now in third grade and is using some tools he's learned along the way to help keep himself from hurt (emotionally hurt, not physically). He gets to school and goes straight to his classroom. His sister is out on the playground having a blast, and he's in his classroom. He chose this for himself.

If your little girl's problems are interfering with her ability to learn in the classroom, you can agitate for at least a 504 plan. It brings people to the table to talk about things and can be useful. There isn't really any legal teeth in it if the school doesn't want to cooperate (provide aides, behavioral assessments, ideas to identify triggers, collect data, etc.) but it's where you might have to start. And for some reason, all of the pediatricians we saw didn't give us one bit of useful help.

I know how hard this must be for you. Hugs.


Active Member
how do you handle you child being picked on by other children? for awhile now i have noticed two little girls in particular at kindergarten who have quickly figured out exactly how to wind my daughter up and make her very upset

As you can tell by my signature/bio, I too have a daughter who has anger problems, however, hers didn't present until she was a little over 12 years old.

So with that being said, I know exactly what you mean. My daughters peers knew how to push her buttons. They know she gets upset very easily and they love winding her up to see her react. They love to see the drama unfold. They love having that power to hurt her feeling so easily. I told my daughter don't be so easy to upset because people are doing it on purpose to you. I had to drill that into her head until she finally got it. However, I wouldn't even know where to begin with children so young. You must somehow teach your daughter that reacting so easily to what others say and do is not the answer because it's giving them what they want. I told my daughter you piss people off more when you ignore them.


Well-Known Member
Its tough, the teachers first of all along with the parents( as you are) should keep an eye out along with speaking to the entire class about being nice and not bullying " saying or doing hurtful things to others is wrong and makes a person sad how would you feel if...". See if you can get the teacher and all the parents together to speak to the whole class without saying whats going on with your daughter - just in general. I agree, the parents should be talked to. The thing is, its not something that can be told once, it has to be a few times and the teacher should do it in a way that all kids will understand it. There has to be a time out, sorry letters, apologies, helping your daughter with stuff to say im sorry etc, of sorts for the kids- I really hope it stops for your daughter. Its hard to keep our kids calm as is, and when something or someone upsets them, its harder for them too.


Well-Known Member
Welcome, NZmum.
I agree, she may have Asperger's, in the gifted range for language.
My son does well with language, too, and he aced spelling and English for many yrs. He's in Honors English now in HS.
And he's got a 504 plan. Don't know what you call it in NZ, but it is a contract that you draw up with the teachers. Your daughter can be given more time for test-taking, or can be given a quiet place in school to study, or when she has a rage. As she grows, she will learn when she is going to rage and can excuse herself from class to go sit in a special room (often, the nurse's office). Just a few examples.
My son was very, very much like your daughter. He hated to go anywhere and we stayed home a lot. :(
Luckily, we ended up with-one of the best therapists in the U.S. and we have come a long way.
I would take her to a neuropsychologist, and a psychiatrist, and see if you can get her on some clonidine or something, which is an adult heart medication used off-label for kids because it's not addictive. It will take the edge off. My son was hospitalized when he was in middle school and that's when we learned about that medication. Also, the hospital routine worked like a charm. When we went to visit him, it was the first time he'd smiled at us in yrs. Makes me teary eyed all over again.