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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 671163" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Something has happened in our society whereby we feel responsible for the result which is our children.</p><p></p><p>Like an experiment has a result. Somehow we have been bad scientists, if our result is not as expected. Like our child is our dependent variable, and that we totally control the independent variables that our applied in a pure context, that we too control. Like scientists, not mothers. If we give enough love, protection, stuff, discipline or not--there will be a good result who will obey societal rules and achieve in approved ways. And so on.</p><p></p><p>Such is, I guess, living in a culture where life is viewed as such: if we do this or that and do not do this or that...we will get this: A child in college, on the road to a good job and a good life. And a good life and good job are so normal in the sense of the normal curve, with few outliers and the outliers are those that are either geniuses like Steve Jobs and Bill Clinton, or our kids, those on the tail side of achieving.</p><p></p><p>And we label ourselves as failed. Others may label us as bad parents.</p><p></p><p>What a mess.</p><p></p><p>Lost completely is the mystery of life. Inherited biology. Longing and yearning. The wild side.</p><p></p><p>The completely expected and natural occurrence from the beginning of all time of kids going off and doing there thing. The absolute knowing that there is no control over anything. That a child is not a product that turns out good or bad.</p><p></p><p>They are their own person. What they do or do not do is not our business. There is no question of failure or success. Their lives to live.</p><p>Our feelings, however horrible, are ours. Once we see them as ours we can make a decision about them. What to do. While we see and feel them as provoked by our children...and they may have been triggered by them...the feelings are our own. About us. And within our control. Our conscious control. We can leave them, once we own that they are ours.</p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p><em>She will be what she will be. </em>You did your job. You can be free. You did not raise her on the condition that she not become like her mother. You raised her because you decided to love and care for her.</p><p>Our job as parents was really to love and to protect. That is that.</p><p></p><p>We cannot control an outcome over which we have no control. We do not control genetics. We do not control the influence of peers and societal norms. We do not control all of the people and events they encounter. Any illusion of control we have had was just that illusory. You no longer have responsibility over any outcome. What will be will be.</p><p></p><p>I know this must sound harsh. It is not. It is just true. We can only raise them by loving them and protecting them, and letting them go to live their lives. Their own lives. Not ours or those we envision for them, and hope for them. </p><p></p><p>You did not fail. It was not in vain. </p><p></p><p>You love. You were loved. Let us see what happens. Do not judge yourself. Do not think this is a measure of or a reflection of, you. It is not about you. You define you.</p><p></p><p>I have done all of the things you feel. I have wondered what was the point of it all? Of all of the love? </p><p></p><p>To love. I have loved. I love. That is the point.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting. Take care. We understand. Or have the capacity to understand, if we have misunderstood. </p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 671163, member: 18958"] Something has happened in our society whereby we feel responsible for the result which is our children. Like an experiment has a result. Somehow we have been bad scientists, if our result is not as expected. Like our child is our dependent variable, and that we totally control the independent variables that our applied in a pure context, that we too control. Like scientists, not mothers. If we give enough love, protection, stuff, discipline or not--there will be a good result who will obey societal rules and achieve in approved ways. And so on. Such is, I guess, living in a culture where life is viewed as such: if we do this or that and do not do this or that...we will get this: A child in college, on the road to a good job and a good life. And a good life and good job are so normal in the sense of the normal curve, with few outliers and the outliers are those that are either geniuses like Steve Jobs and Bill Clinton, or our kids, those on the tail side of achieving. And we label ourselves as failed. Others may label us as bad parents. What a mess. Lost completely is the mystery of life. Inherited biology. Longing and yearning. The wild side. The completely expected and natural occurrence from the beginning of all time of kids going off and doing there thing. The absolute knowing that there is no control over anything. That a child is not a product that turns out good or bad. They are their own person. What they do or do not do is not our business. There is no question of failure or success. Their lives to live. Our feelings, however horrible, are ours. Once we see them as ours we can make a decision about them. What to do. While we see and feel them as provoked by our children...and they may have been triggered by them...the feelings are our own. About us. And within our control. Our conscious control. We can leave them, once we own that they are ours. Yes. [I]She will be what she will be. [/I]You did your job. You can be free. You did not raise her on the condition that she not become like her mother. You raised her because you decided to love and care for her. Our job as parents was really to love and to protect. That is that. We cannot control an outcome over which we have no control. We do not control genetics. We do not control the influence of peers and societal norms. We do not control all of the people and events they encounter. Any illusion of control we have had was just that illusory. You no longer have responsibility over any outcome. What will be will be. I know this must sound harsh. It is not. It is just true. We can only raise them by loving them and protecting them, and letting them go to live their lives. Their own lives. Not ours or those we envision for them, and hope for them. You did not fail. It was not in vain. You love. You were loved. Let us see what happens. Do not judge yourself. Do not think this is a measure of or a reflection of, you. It is not about you. You define you. I have done all of the things you feel. I have wondered what was the point of it all? Of all of the love? To love. I have loved. I love. That is the point. Keep posting. Take care. We understand. Or have the capacity to understand, if we have misunderstood. COPA [/QUOTE]
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