Dara,
My son was abused by my x. He really did things to both of us that are so awful - I wondered if I would ever be happy, I never knew what happy was AND I LARGELY did NOT trust anyone. Especially men. The women in my x's family were just as bad, enabling, abusive verbally and physically - so I guess you could say it took me a long time to trust ANYONE. I can tell you this about trust. When your kids are born they 'depend' on you. As they get older they get to know us better, and need us, and we hope trust us. But just because they are our children DOES NOT MEAN they will EVER trust us. We hope that we live by example, and we HOPE that they see that - and follow us, and trust us. But when you live with a damaged kid - they don't trust themselves, and just because you are Mom or Dad or step dad or step mom - does NOT give you the right to believe they will ever trust you. Know what I mean?? Trust is earned. When a child gets damaged - it takes a lifetime of living right, doing and meaning what you say, setting rules and consequences and following through with those consequences - and then, maybe.....they'll see that you aren't going anywhere and can be trusted. Giving birth or adopting doesn't come with built in trust. It can be gained back - in therapy, in life - but it takes years. What the subconscious brain won't let us do - the conscious brain longs for - and when they fight - you get kids who act out, misbehave, rage - and they don't have a clue why. I didn't either - I was still trying to be able to walk without leaves blowing behind me and thinking a sniper was going to take me out. It took me living in peace nearly 9 years before I accepted peace as a way of life - always waiting for the other shoe to drop. ANd I'm an adult - I had life experiences, therapy, coping skills, a good childhood - I had all that going for me and it STILL took 9 years to sleep with both eyes closed.
My son was 5.5 when I took him and left. He was very angry. He was angry we left. In my state at that moment I thought "Is this kid nuts? We're free at last." and it was like someone pulled a little sweater string on his brain and our lives began to unravel. I didn't know about the abuse right away. I was in counseling and was urged to bring him for his own counselor. So I did. I wanted us to get better quick and be done with all this mess. On the second visit - the counselor told me she suspected molesting. I left the office - I think I threw the papers at her and she picked them up and handed them to another person to take them out to me. OH I was LIVID. BECAUSE- the entire time I had been abused - and for as many times as I nearly died or left ICU or came home - I ALWAYS protected my kid from ANYONE. Beat up on me - yell at me, make me feel like crud - but you aren't going to do it to my son.
And until a few years ago - it's how I approached all people regarding my son. IRREGARDLESS of his mouth, his behavior, he hit one man with a baseball bat, he kicked people all the time - he got a pool cue somewhere and cracked it across the knees of another man and I DARED them to cross me. And they didn't. And my son would walk off at age 6, 7 with a smile on his face.
When I met DF- difficult child didn't meet him for around a year or more. We were friends - and hadn't really dated "out" anywhere as a couple - but I took my time getting to know him. And I took an even longer time to let him get to know my son. When he did - it was like 2 bulls in a field. OMG it was AWFUL - as long as he was "uncle" so and so - fine. But the first time he took Mom out for a date - the love was over and Mr. Cool because Mr. YOU ARE NOT VERY COOL AT ALL I HATE YOU ANYWAYS." (lol) But - eventually due to permanent disability and a death in the family - DF moved in, and shared our home. At age 10 - Dude asked him if he could call him Dad- but WHAT an uphill battle. And all the while I thought DF was this man of iron to not speak back to a child - what I didn't know is that he could NOT STAND my kid. Mouthy, arrogant, spoiled, child - he loved him - but couldn't stand him and never told me and certainly didn't say anything to my son. Until.....
Until one day I think difficult child was around 9. He had known Dude 2 or so years. And Dude was having a meltdown of titanic proportions. He threw something at me and called me a name and before I knew what was going on - Mr. Cool became Some freakish knight in shining armor and let Dude have it with BOTH BARRELS....and not about pent up stuff- JUST about what was going on at the moment, HOW he LOVES his Mother, and how he IS NOT going ANYWHERE so he may as well knock the junk OFF - as he said "I'm here to stay - I love you MOm and you can be as ill behaved of a young man as you like - it's only going to cause YOU to be removed from this home because I'm not going to allow you to mistreat your Mother any more." And with that he said "I AM THROUGH" shut Dudes door - pulled me into the den and told me that if I went in that room and babied him - after the way he treated me - He was leaving. He had suffered enough - but NOT because of the yelling and arguing or the throwing or breaking or pooping pants or broken stuff - but because he loved me so much he would NOT stand by and watch a child hurt me like his father did. END of story.
With that little episode - Dude turned up the heat. He was hell bent and glory bound to break us up. That went on for a year - and we put him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) like we told him. When he came out of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - he asked DF to be his Dad. And while Dude is Dude - the business of not wanting to spend time with us - and not wanting to have a thing to do with Dad - stopped.
I also got all of us into family therapy - and after about 8 months - DF joined us. It was like we all had exhaled air that was pent up for SO long. I wasn't sure if DF would go or not. He was from a family that LARGELY kept their business and feelings buried. And after being a biker/bachelor for over 23 years - I knew that he loved us - but never forced him to go. I just kept getting better, and seemed to be learning HOW to communicate with Dude better - and it peeked his curiosity what this man (psychiatric) was like and of course every time we headed out the door I would say "You're welcome to come if you like you're part of the family too." and finally one night he got dressed and said "I'll drive you I don't like the look of those clouds." ( I looked outside and not a grey cloud in the sky) But we figured out in those sessions: That it's okay to be angry with each other, but we had to learn healthy ways to express anger. It's okay to have DF correct Dude -he wasn't trying to hurt him - he loved him and wanted the best for me and his son. That no one is perfect - and that our son IS damaged, and WILL take extra effort and digging deep to figuring out HOW to deal with this all - And to know that there may NOT be an end in sight BUT that it's okay to have a life of our own as we grow older and NOT feel guilty about it.
My son told me about the abuse when he was 6 - and then it was like he shut up and turned off forever. You're new here so I won't bother to tell you all the interventions tried but they are endless - and nothing wasn't tried....NOT A THING. To put tools in Dudes way to facilitate his chances at a decent life. Now at 17 - he doesn't drink, never smoked, won't do drugs - but HAS looked up his dysfunctional biodad family on his own. And it just took my heart and for a moment - stomped it. Then I realized that he's his own person. IF he wants to confront his biodad - whatever. It's his life. And now I am going to go live mine.
If I had it to do over again - I suppose I could have trusted my DF (fiance) a little sooner - but I too was damaged. So I couldn't. But I do love him - and wanted to be the best person, Fiance and MOm I could be - so I took and kept myself in therapy. I don't doubt that there are days ahead when I could use a session or two more - but for now I'm learning how to live life, and enjoy the time I have left on this earth that has been a GIFT -
Find a therapist - for your daughter and family that has dealt with child abuse specifically. A lot of what is sticking you in the middle will be resolved so shortly you'll be amazed you didn't do it sooner. And your relationship with your daughter and your H will get better too...and YOU will figure out that YOU as a person deserve the best there is - and if that is allowing your H to discipline your daughter and YOU stand behind what he says ? GO for it. These children are NOT for the weak - to understand that and realize this is a life-long commitment to help your daughter have a good life and you have a good life and H have a good life - is worth going to counseling even if he won't right away.
Many hugs -
Star
