Stunned - I might have ANOTHER sister!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mattsmom277, May 24, 2011.

  1. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Sticking to basic facts as I'm more than a bit emotional. I just had a phone call from one of my aunts (fathers side). Aside from the wonderful caring conversation we had, I was quite slammed with information I never imagined hearing. It seems like I have a sister, not sure yet but it seems more likely she is my sister than not. She would be the product of a attack my father perpetuated against his own brothers first wife. She'd be a couple/few years older than me. I'm floored!
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Wow. That's my first response.
    My second response is to wonder why no one has castrated him yet.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Busy man. omg

    I'd try not to let it send you into a huge whirl until/unless there is some way to have it confirmed.

    My bio dad was also a busy man. He was no predator by any means, but busy none the less. I have so many (probably hundreds, no kidding) half sibs running around the Mom's worst fear was we'd accidentally marry one of them. After a while it just stops having the omg shock effect. More like.......yeah, so what. ugh

    Of course in your case.........might give you genetic proof of his predatory behavior if the wife will also come forward......... But I can see how complicated that could easily become if the child has no knowledge.

  4. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I may never know, I don't know if there is a big secret going on, or if the information within the family might be flawed or something. I do know he did assault his brothers first wife and that seems to be family "knowledge". It seems more likely than not that she IS my sister, and it is seeming more likely that she DOES know or has guessed but felt unable to ask for confirmation. The detective following through with this investigation asked me in particular this womans name and I'd never heard of her. Only to find out this part of the story which explains something hinted at in the past by my aunt about a possible older sister out there. So far all the family stories have turned out to be accurate. I guess there's no reason for these women to speculate on what ifs when so much fact stares them in the face. They'd rather downplay rumors without basis just out of horror at the depth of depravity. It would explain why the detective was testing if I recognized the name. Had I known this "rumor" or family "belief" and mentioned it, she would have known it wouldn't be a shock to me. I am know looking back over that portion of the detectives conversation and I believe that this womans mother might be on of the people unknown to me that was willing to swear out charges. It explains the entire direction of the questions about this woman actually.
    I may never know and I'm certainly not poking my nose and stirring things up where potentially I'd be exploding some big family secret. I have no burning need to "know" this woman at all costs or anything. Alternately, I am glad that if one day I get a call or online contact from someone stating they are my sister, I won't be so flabbergasted. At least I know the possibility is very real.
    This woman looks like me. Her two sisters are blonde/light brown haired, light eyed. This woman however is dark haired and eyed like me, and apparently is even more similar even than with me, with my younger sister. Blood lines could explain that simply because our fathers are brothers of course.
    It's still a lot to take in, especially since my aunt hasn't been wrong about things yet. I'm absorbing.
  5. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Wanted to add that what my aunt was told by the investigator is they are now at 8 people with statements of crimes by him either completed or awaiting the appointment time to record the statements. And this is the tip of the iceburg, there's little chance the list will not grow larger. Potentially much larger. I don't know how he hasn't been castrated. I don't know how some sort of vigilante thing didn't happen by a husband or a father or someone. I don't know how he's got nothing on his record but a history of calls to save his pathetic carcass from suicide attempts, domestic violence calls (many) back when if the woman wouldn't charge, they'd let them walk (my mother did this dozens of times and so did other women to lesser degrees). It's one of those things you hear about it in the news and it is astounding to outsiders thinking HOW? How does this happen? The more I learn from those he harmed, the more I see how it happened this way. It is also surprising how often it happens. THe investigator was telling me how common this is in historic sex abuse cases (which means offenses over decades by one offender and often includes a high percentage of victims being family members). The world is changing but these things still fall through cracks.

    I've now seen pictures online of these three cousins. The one who "might" be my sister is uncanny in her appearance to me. My aunt told me that was the case, as was this womans daughter (a image of me and my baby sister) and that she didn't as closely resemble her two sisters. The pictures can't prove anything, but I do clearly see what my aunt was talking about. Add into the fact that at the time her mother got pregnant, it was right beforehand that he raped her. Coupled with the family connections and conversations and the fact my aunt was very close to her former sister in law (the 3 girls mother), I tend to think the probability grows. Add in the investigator specifically asking me about this woman, although she can't be a victim as she was never around my father in her life, my suspicion is one of those statements for charges if about her mother. It all just makes sense. I mean, the entire family has believed she is my sister since her birth and nothing through this past 40 years since her birth has changed their minds. She also refuses to talk to her father, although her 2 sisters do. Her father and his wife remain unable to explain why, there was no family fight. Just one day a decade (maybe longer) ago, she simply stopped having a thing to do with them. Something caused that.

    My mind still reels at all of this, even if she's not my sister. The new things coming out and increasing numbers makes me more aware that he is more than the monster I knew he was. He's literally the bogey man on those t.v. shows that seem over the top, unreal because who on the real world could do this for over 40 years. Yet here we all are. It's a lot to keep taking in. I wonder where it ends, when we will finally know a final list that will stop growing. I just get to terms with something massive and new. Then something new comes. And I know it isn't done happening yet. I'm proud of myself though. I feel I'm managing amazingly well considering. I hope I keep that up.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm proud of you too.

    The sad part is that these cases become so extreme because no one has the courage to be the one to step forward and take the stand, knowing they may stand alone, knowing that other people may think terrible things of them, knowing that people may say terrible things about them, knowing they may not be believed and the monster may walk anyway even after they've lived through hades hoping to see that he's stopped and justice is served for the victims.

    That is daunting for your average person. But for a sex abuse / rape victim, it's a hundred times worse because usually the abuser has drummed them into the belief that it's their fault, no one will believe them, or even worse. So they all keep quiet, even if they suspect abuse might be going on with someone else........because they might be wrong, so they don't approach the person......or that person may become furious......lots of factors there.

    But they see one person step up with the courage.........and that all changes. Sometimes, but not always. But it's cases like yours and like with my eldest bro's predator boyfriend and his dad.......that send the message to other victims that they might be able to put an end to generations of abuse too and may be enough to give one of them the courage to step forward and start the process.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    WOW. I can only imagine your shock. Esp if it has been talked about by the family for all these years and you never heard of her. I would NOT go poking this though. Seems like the woman may have had a lot of trauma - often children of rape are treated differently by both parents as they are a constant reminder of the assault. The parents and sibs may not even SEE how differently they treated her in private, but she may feel it. Or may perceive it even if the actions are very subtle. Kids miss NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. in my opinion this may be why she won't interact with her family, Know what I mean??

    As it is, I am glad you had the courage to come forward, and I think that monsters like your father get by with this stuff for so long because for so many years they KNEW that anyone who came forward would be thoroughly punished by society for shedding light on the problems - blamed and dragged through Hades. They sure never anticipated a time when having a child out of wedlock was considered normal and when speaking out about sexual abuse was NOT rewarded with blame, shame and torment, but with therapy and understanding. I hope his victims all receive the help they need, whether they testify or cannot. I also hope that you have a therapist you can speak to as all this comes out. You KNOW you are not to blame on a mental level, but sometimes emotions just are not caught up with our minds, Know what I mean?? Esp when so very much is being revealed. You have done MORE than your share of standing up on this - getting him to admit in writing what he has done is HUGE an something that very very few ever get their sexual predator to do. The problems are with HIM and simply cannot be fixed. No one knows how. So whatever happens with the court case, I am incredibly proud of your courage and tenacity!!!
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I have seen other cases somewhat similar though none that touch yours in scope. Most of those I discovered through the news or books - you may well get hit with a lot of people wanting the story once he's formally charged and people start hearing about it. Even those who won't talk now will get dragged into the spotlight at that point. This might seem a bit brusque, but to protect yourself, if someone approaches you about writing your story into a book or something, get a great lawyer to go over the contract and make sure they're not taking advantage of a situation that leaves everyone involved in such shock that have a hard time making a reasonable decision.
  9. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Susie, there was much talk all of these years about her and what happened to her mother and questions of her paternity. The thing is I didn't know this side of my family until less than 2 years ago when my aunts and my grandfather found me online and contacted me at about the same time my baby sister found me online. So it had never been knowledge to me about this woman but it had been to them. Even still it is impossible for me to know all of the cousins etc, it is a rather large family and some talk to some and not to others in the family, its a very broken up family dynamic. As for this woman, I certainly won't be poking at anything. I have no desire to stir up things on something so vast a scale of devastation. I can't imagine if she IS my sister, and if she knows or was to find out, what that does to a psyche. So many people have suffered so much from his actions, I am determined to not in any way, even inadvertently, to contribute to more pain for anybody. In my heart, if she is my sister, I hope that even if her mother is ready/able to speak up for what happened to her, that maybe she would never find out she was a product of that experience. I know theoretically we tend to think people should know, not have family secrets etc. Sometimes though some things can be kinder kept silent. If she does know or finds out, I can only pray that she finds peace in it all and that this doesn't destroy something in her soul/spirit. If I ever learned she WAS my sister and didn't know it, I'd continue as I am now, hoping she is thriving in life and happy. Beyond that, I remain feeling open to her speaking to me if it is true and if she knows and wanted to seek me out in any way. I know for myself though that if I was a product of a violation like that to my mother, I can't see it helping me to find "siblings". Everyone being different, I would be warm if contacted at some point in life.

    Haozi, I assumed that knowing our local media outlets, once charges are laid and pieces of the story are made public, that some of us may hear from reporters from our local news channels or papers to see if we are willing to talk about it or something. If that happens, the time and my head space would decide for me if I had anything to say. If I'm in the right head space I think the most I'd be saying anyhow is how proud I am of those who came forward and how grateful that I am to the investigators and the crown for tackling this head on and working on behalf of all that he has harmed to ensure justice for lives ruined and to protect others from future abuses. Probably would say something about how hopefully over time the more people like those in this case that come forward and work together to stop these predators that speak up for themselves, the more others out there with similar events in their lives will realize there is hope for them and for perhaps might feel better coming forward. Other than that, I can't see how I'd have anything more to say. The story sort of speaks to itself.
    As for telling the story beyond that? Hadn't even thought of someone approaching about stuff as you mentioned. Being in Canada perhaps it doesn't come to mind since we don't hear a lot of books or whatever being drummed up by those hoping for families like ours to speak out. I can't see it ever happening. If it ever did, I just have no interest in doing something like that anyhow, but your advice is good for anybody else who might be, so if it comes up I'm going to be sure to pass that on to anyone if someone is approached.