Sucking out the joy

[mtic]

I was blessed with a wonderful child, too! And, it's even hard for ME to celebrate HIM sometimes. I thank God for my easy child every day. He's my hero. But, sometimes it hurts to see how he can enjoy his life and have great things, while his brother....can't. And doesn't.

I'm the same way. My daughter is responsible and living on her own. She doesn't make a ton of money but she manages her rent, utilities, and to save. The strangest thing was when we were bailing her brother out of jail (she didn't know where we were at the time) and she's texting me lighthearted questions about how to bake something. I felt like I was living in two different worlds.

I think the worst part for me has always been that there is there is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is just no END in sight. My husband would always say when J moves out we'll do this or that and I was like, who are you kidding? When he's sober he won't leave the house, when he gets a job he uses the money for drugs and gets fired, how in the hell is he ever going to "move out"?

I have this feeling all the time. My almost 25 year old son has ZERO to his name. I need to see that light at the end of the tunnel too and sadly it's nowhere in sight. I also was very independent from a young age. I was married at 20, moved half way across the country from my entire family, and by age 25 had two babies, 4 dogs and 3 cats. I don't expect my son to be a millionaire...I just want him to be able to afford a place to live and save some money.

 

[Nomad]

We went through a bad period of time when our Difficult Child was in high school and shortly afterwards. The high school grad. awards, accolades, college acceptances, etc. I am a member of a club and when we meet, everyone would brag about these things and they would literally NOT ask me a single thing about Difficult Child, which generally speaking might have been for the better, but it was noticeable and palatable.

We have some friends and neighbors who are very successful. One is in Harvard medical school. They NEVER speak of Difficult Child.

We have a couple friend who are have a Difficult Child lite daughter. It has been interesting observing them. We know a few families like this. One had her father pushing and pushing and helping her through college in every way shape and form. Eventually...over a very very long time, she earned a doctorate. She never married or had kids. I think she knew in her heart, that she had some struggles. Just interesting. It is nice to see this woman doing well now...but it did take a LOT of help and a very long time. And her parents are thrilled.

I'm not completely sure such things apply to our Difficult Child. Problem is my Difficult Child doesn't usually accept lots of help. Sure, if it's in the form of dinero she accepts it. And the drama is frequent (an improvement from constant)

Like I mentioned, things that have helped are the boundaries, identifying what things bring me joy and moving forward with my life.

A little example of boundaries...she is not allowed to call before 7:30 am week days and 9 am on weekends and never after 11 pm. She can text after hours if it is a medical emergency. We simply will not answer the phone if she calls at the wrong time. This alone has been a blessing for us!

Regarding light at the end of the tunnel...my husband reminds me often, there have clearly been small, but again, clear increments of improvement over the years.

 

[Lil]

I just want him to be able to afford a place to live and save some money.

I think that would make each and every one of us very happy for our kids. Isn't it amazing how your goals change for your kids? When he was little, I just imagined him doing great things, straight A's and college for sure, and home on weekends and holidays, bringing his laundry and dragging along a roommate. I imagined him living in a nice house, and having him come for Christmas with a daughter-in-law and grandkids to spoil.

Now I just want him to keep a job and pay his bills.

 

[mtic]

Exactly Lil!!!

 

[RN0441]

Lil you sound like me.

Our older boys did pretty well for themselves; easy. Our youngest son (our only child together) I really thought would do great things. He would surely be handsome and popular and probably the captain of the football team! He would go to college and be very successful! He would marry a beautiful wife and we would be close! It would all come easy. He was very bright and popular and articulate until the summer after 8th grade and then BOOM. Something happened. He was introduced to marijuana and then it just all went downhill.

The loss of the dream. BAM. We have been through soooo much. I don't know what kind of life he will have. I don't know what kind of life he will make for himself. It has not been good.

 

[blackgnat]

Lil, I am pretty open about my DCs difficulties, too, but have definitely toned it down over the years.

Most people who know me know that he's homeless, mentally ill, addicted. I want people to know that there are others among them whose parent/parents are getting up out of bed every day, putting pants on one leg at a time and one foot in front of the other, despite their pain. And they're even HAPPY and make jokes and eat too much cake and do the things that everyone else does...because WE are survivors, too! We are resilient and strong!

And that these homeless, mentally ill addicts are PEOPLE too, who have families and loved ones and deserve help and compassion (even if I want to throatpunch my own kid a lot of the time...or tear my own hair out-how am I not bald by now?)

 

[New Leaf]

(even if I want to throatpunch my own kid a lot of the time...or tear my own hair out-how am I not bald by now?)

BG, you are hilarious........thank you for the chuckle.
leafy

 

[soapbox]

We have a couple friend who are have a Difficult Child lite daughter. It has been interesting observing them. We know a few families like this. One had her father pushing and pushing and helping her through college in every way shape and form. Eventually...over a very very long time, she earned a doctorate. She never married or had kids. I think she knew in her heart, that she had some struggles. Just interesting. It is nice to see this woman doing well now...but it did take a LOT of help and a very long time. And her parents are thrilled.

So. How do we tell the difference between the kind of a challenging kid who does well with this kind of intensive help, and the ones that only do worse when we try?

 

[BusynMember]

We dont know how well this child has really done. She, with extreme help, made it through much college and has a good job. As I read the story, though, I wondered if it was at the expense of having a normal social life...marriage and kids. I know her parents are thrilled, but not how she feels. Fact is we never know what goes on behind closed doors. I do tend to be a cynic though so...its probably just me.

I do however have a sort of answer to what type of adult child does better than expected with help, at least in my opinion and experience. Our autistic son, whose birthmother used drugs and alcohol when she was pregnant, was supposed to be a vegetable who may never learn to speak.

No child alive ever willingly accepted help or tried as hard as he did all his life. He had the personality in my opinion of an achiever. Besides working very hard, he was and is cooperative, happy to accept help, good natured, not rebellious, not interested in substances and unwilling to quit.

My son is not a college grad or a high earner, but he is not a vegetable either. Nobody who did not know his diagnosis would guess he has autism. He lives independently, works (hard), does sports, has a few close friends and everyone loves him. He still accepts help eagerly and cheerfully.

To be able to assist anyone in achievement, they must be willing to accept it. And work hard. And not argue that daily pot use is harmless. And they must want independence. Sonic has reached an unbelievable level considered he had drugs in his body when born. All cards were stacked against his having any sort of normal life, but because of who he is, he's happy and fairly independent.

Thats in my opinion how you can tell if the pushing will work. The adult child has to accept it and be grateful to those who are helping out, be it parents or others. Those who wont work hard, are ungrateful, do substances and blame us for their problems...jmo, but I think those types of people do not accept help well, unless they change.

Again, jmo and certainly I could be wrong.

 

[savior no more]

When I'm on FB and I see others bragging about their children's accomplishments

I have often felt the same way and I always fall short when I compare my parenting skills to other parents that have children my sons age. I have to remember that I'm just comparing my insides to their outsides. There are times in the grocery store I duck out of the aisle not to talk to certain parents because they always ask about Difficult Child. Some days I'm not up to being philosophical and accepting. Thank goodness that this feeling usually passes and I find some level of serenity in spite of his life and difficulties. I understand where you are coming from - I feel that way too.

 

[savior no more]

I think the majority of these kids have problems - mainly neurological or mental health - but don't deal with the co-morbid substance abuse that my child does. And I also think the child's self concept for whatever reason has remained intact and more positive.

 

[savior no more]

Those who wont work hard, are ungrateful, do substances and blame us for their problems...jmo, but I think those types of people do not accept help well, unless they change

This explains the difference in a nutshell between those who do better than others. I don't think most people that are this way choose to be. Maybe it's wiring or environment - who knows. The more I do my rotations in pediatrics the more I realize these little souls are born with personalities beyond nurture.

 

[Roxona]

Mt. Denise...I feel this way every.single.day! Some days I'm so stuck, I don't get motivated to do anything productive until 4 pm.

I'm sorry you and all the others are feeling the same way too.

 

[Drowninginthis]

I really hate the dreaded "how are you and the family?" I always say my husband and I are good...and then silence. I wish they would pick up on the clue, but inevitably they will ask about my son. I am not a person who puts on pretenses. I have nothing good to say....so sad. So again I am at a loss for words because they don't want the truth. Its embarassing as I see their little Johnny has just graduated college or something else great, and mine, well... So we all know the feeling.

 

[mtic]

So again I am at a loss for words because they don't want the truth.

I usually say, "He's trying to figure himself out" and leave it at that. No one has ever pressed after that. I think that statement speaks volumes.

 

[TheWalrus]

I absolutely hate that too. I try to be an honest kind of vague, if that makes sense. Honest enough so they get uncomfortable and shut up, vague enough to not really tell them anything.

"Things could be better, but I am coping. Thank you." (the thank you is usually the "none of your business cue)
"Ups and downs, but that is to be expected."
"I haven't spoken to her in awhile, but I am hopeful things are going well."

Those are just a few. It helps that I am a super private person anyway, and most people find me a little difficult to approach about personal matters. I have a "resting face" that makes people uncomfortable, and I have no problem using it when I feel someone is trying to pry.

 

[rebelson]

I absolutely hate that too. I try to be an honest kind of vague, if that makes sense. It helps that I am a super private person anyway, and most people find me a little difficult to approach about personal matters. I have a "resting ***** face" that makes people uncomfortable, and I have no problem using it when I feel someone is trying to pry.

Same here.

 

[Nature]

I can so relate to this post as I too have avoided FB when things are really rough with my son. I find it really painful to see other people speaking of the accolades of their children and the accompanying comments of how great a parent they were to have raised such a child.

A few months ago I gave up a relationship with a former close friend I've had since the second grade as when I confided a serious event that occurred with my son and her response instead of saying. "I'm sorry that happened to you". She said in the next breath how wonderful her son was and how well he's doing in life. I couldn't continue my relationship with her after that as I deeply hurt by her lack of sensitivity.

I had anxiously waited for several years for my high school reunion which I had ironically helped organize earlier but when an event happened with my son last year which required police intervention to remove him from my home I ended up not going to the event and grimace when I view photos of of the night. I had so wanted to be there. Most of these people are on my FB page and I still regret not going but at the same time I knew most would ask the dreaded questions of my children and tell me about theirs. I couldn't handle it so avoided the event.

Lastly, I understand about high school graduations as I am required to attend yearly through my work with at risk youth. I cry every year as I truly am happy to see my students succeed and know these students have faced many challenges and are those that beat the odds. I work closely with these students and believe I try harder as I know the consequences should they not be successful to take back their lives. However, sad that while I'm able to reach so many I was never able to help my son. I'm also sad that I never experienced my own walking the stage.

 

[UpandDown]

Ah yes, I feel as if I am living a split life. Its really taking a toll. I have 3 daughters that are doing great and one that is graduating high school at top of the class in June. I am on one hand visiting accepted student days at colleges here there and everywhere, going to sporting events with younger two and cheering them on. Then on the other hand, I am juggling almost 17 year old son who is not currently at school and who is smoking his brain away. In and out of programs, trying to help him. I am so proud of daughter yet at the exact same time mourning what should have been. He for the longest time was on track to graduate with honors right behind daughter. He was an excellent athlete that we spent years and years cheering on at games. His teammates and parents were like family. Now I see them all over fb celebrating accomplishments. I am so sad for him and for us. I wonder how I will get through graduation and all when I am so incredibly proud and so incredibly sad.

 

[RN0441]

Five years ago my son was expelled permanently from 10th grade. I had to go pick up his backpack and other things as he was not allowed back it the building. Ironically it was the same exact day that my older son was graduating from United Technical Institute after already completing a four year degree at a state college, had just been accepted in the Technician program for BMW (his dream) and was the speaker at graduation. I never felt so strange in my life! Really a split life all in one day for me.