suggestions for dating guidlines for teen girls

[ksm]

I am trying to keep an open mind - and I want to be sure I am not being too conservative. difficult child is 14 (and 7 months) and is a freshman in high school. I am OK with her hanging out with guy friends at school and school events. I don't think she is old (and mature) enough for one on one dating (ie: going with a guy in a car). We have offered to have her invite a guy friend to stop by the house and hang out. or watch a movie. or play wii, etc.

She says she will NEVER invite a guy over here because it would be embarassing. We are not that old and that embarassing. We live in a decent neighborhood and keep an appropriately clean and updated house. husband rides a Harley, we both have a good sense of humor, and from having 13 exchange students live with us in the past, we know that we get along with teens well. We have both helped with youth groups at church in the past. She thinks we should just drop her off at a park so she can meet up with a guy "just a friend".

Our guidelines have been that "real" dating starts at 16, but maybe when she is a sophomore - but not yet 16, maybe stretch the rules for a school dance type thing.

Am I really out of touch?? Thanks. KSM

 

[DaisyFace]

KSM--

I am one parent who learned the hard way that our version of "dating" is waaaayyy out of date. Teens don't "date" the way we did. "Hanging out" at school is the new "dating"....and PLENTY happens between boys and girls without there ever having been a "date" at all. Making out, up to, and including oral sex, is considered "casual". A girl doesn't have to be "in love" or serious about a guy in any way in order to engage in these activities.

My daughter had sex at school with guys whom she barely knew long before anyone ever asked her out on a date...

Keep your eyes WIDE open.

 

[ksm]

My daughter had sex at school with guys whom she barely knew long before anyone ever asked her out on a date...
Keep your eyes WIDE open.

Ugg, what can a mom do to keep a difficult child safe? So far I don't think it has gotten to that point. But, she is so head strong and in a hurry to act older... I know things change, but in a way, things are still very similar to when I was a teen. Boys will be boys, and girls will do what they think they need to do to attract attention.

KSM

 

[InsaneCdn]

Teen girls this age seem to fall into two camps - the headstrong and the cautious... and you can't make them be one or the other. Some kids - both genders - still come from homes where dating is out until age 16 or even older... but where going as a mixed-gender group is common (movies, school games, bowling, that sort of thing). Here, the general trend is more girls than guys, and if the guys are driving, it's because there are enough of them to FILL exactly one vehicle (can't add to the party later...) Otherwise, they each get dropped off and picked up.

But... we're in a bit of an old-fashioned area - we have our problems, the headstrong ones get in HEAPS of troubles, but we do have the other side too.

 

[DaisyFace]

I know things change, but in a way, things are still very similar to when I was a teen. Boys will be boys, and girls will do what they think they need to do to attract attention.

KSM

This is true - but what threw me for a loop was the change in priorities. When I was a teen, one would date first...there'd be some hand-holding, some kissing, some minor make-out sessions...then the releationship would progress to the stage where sex was a consideration.

I mistakenly assumed that this would hold true today. I assumed that sex would not even be an issue until my daughter had a few dates and began to be "serious" about one guy in particular.

Instead, what seems to have changed is that the physical stuff is viewed as "casual". Something to do with friends and people you don't know very well. Then if you really "like" someone, you move beyond the casual physical stuff and start having actual "dates" where you go to the house and meet the parents and that sort of thing.

I also learned that teens can do an awful lot and still consider themselves "virgins". Oral sex doesn't count - I guess. Go figure.

In this area, church groups are a big social thing. Lots of traditional "dating" goes on amongst these peer groups because the parents are so involved in the socializing.

In my opinion, the area to be concerned about is the unsupervised "Oh, we're just gonna hang out..." scene.

 

[welcometowitsend]

This worries me too with my daughter. She is only in grade 8 and not interested in dating at this point. Right now she seems to have a good head on her shoulders.

I look at difficult child and how much he has done in the last year and I think UGH!! In the last 6-8 months he has had at least 3-4 different sexual partners. It is true that there seems to be a shift in thinking for some girls (not all) in their views on sex and sexual interaction. There are plenty of girls out there that are using guys for sex just as much as the guys are using girls. difficult child had a 'Friend with Benefits' - and she had more than one guy that she was doing this with. Gross!

That said, statistically I don't think we are far off where we were 20-30 years ago with who is having sex, who isn't and at what age. There are still plenty of good kids.

So, here is what I'm planning to do with easy child.
Group outings are fine as long as they have a purpose - bowling, movie, that type of thing. Right now it's a gaggle of girls and their one guy friend - and he's harmless.
Hanging out would be fine at our house or if there were only girls involved.
We don't do a lot of sleepovers and that will stay that way (this is how my cousin got into a lot of trouble as a teen)
Lots of talks about self respect, honouring your body, personal space, dignity and regrets when you're older.
I will probably let her start dating (ie. semi-formal, movies, dinner, something with a purpose - not hanging out) at 15/16 as long as the boy is not more than 6mo - 1 year older than her.

Ideas for curfews? What does everyone think is reasonable?

 

[DaisyFace]

So, here is what I'm planning to do with easy child.
Group outings are fine as long as they have a purpose - bowling, movie, that type of thing. Right now it's a gaggle of girls and their one guy friend - and he's harmless.
Hanging out would be fine at our house or if there were only girls involved.
We don't do a lot of sleepovers and that will stay that way (this is how my cousin got into a lot of trouble as a teen)
Lots of talks about self respect, honouring your body, personal space, dignity and regrets when you're older.
I will probably let her start dating (ie. semi-formal, movies, dinner, something with a purpose - not hanging out) at 15/16 as long as the boy is not more than 6mo - 1 year older than her.

This sounds really good to me! As for curfew? I think it should depend upon the activity. Movie ends at 10 - be home by 10:30. Less unsupervised time for shenanigans...

 

[DammitJanet]

This is where I am so glad I had boys.

Now as far as the granddaughters of which we have 3....we plan to meet all boys at the door with shotguns. There is a country song called "Just cleaning my gun"....lol. My middle son works for the sheriff's dept and he swears he is gonna meet all the boys that date his daughter and his niece's in uniform. He is formidable considering he is 6'5.5" tall.

Seriously....we are scared to death with the idea of the girls dating. Keyana already has that batting of her eyes and the shy little smile around little boys down pat. They fight over doing her bidding. She is going to be the heart breaker but I hope she has the sense to just use that to her advantage and have them following around after her. She already has enough men's hearts that she doesnt have to have boys prove to her she is special.

 

[HaoZi]

I'm dreading the dating years. Mine is either going to be a nun or go totally boy-crazy, and no way to be sure right now which way she'll go by then. Right now she's in the "that's gross" phase and I'm good with that being her attitude for another 10-15 years, lol.

 

[Tiapet]

Ugh! That's all I want to say but of course can't say on this subject I have my oldest, 21. Was never interested in boys all through school until her junior/senior year of high school and that's when suddenly boys hit her radar and bam! Dating is far different then in my time. There is really is no real such thing at times. She was one on one with a boy in her junior year then in senior year 2 different ones. After that she was involved with several others. None lasted longer then 9 months since the beginning of her interests. I had rules and curfews and she had a head on her shoulders so it wasn't so bad as she's intelligent. As she aged it changed and so did her thought process and her BiPolar (BP) stepped in as well. *sigh*

Ms. Queen has been boy crazy since she was a very young child. She was desperate to have a boyfriend for years and fighting that has been very hard. I have always had a rule with her and I've also explained to her why she could not have one as she was not ready emotionally nor cognitively to grasp anything about relationships, still isn't really. When she was in 7th grade she started sneaking boyfriends at school and in the neighborhood but her brother would rat her out about it and I squashed it. She couldn't really "do" anything with them or go anywhere. At the end of last year she had a "friend" that was like a boyfriend who she was allowed to have over here as I was around and her brother never left them alone (he's a pest like that) and I allowed her to go to the movies once with him. He was really nice to her and bought her different little things though in the end it turned out he wasn't such a great person so I had to actually block him from calling sadly. This was the first year she actually had a true boyfriend and her first kiss! (at school). That relationship lasted about a month though as the boy broke up with her because she was too "weird" for him, which is true. Ms. Queen isn't "normal" compared to other girls her age which we do know and for the first time this boy WAS a normal boy not one that could be classified as a difficult child or one that was different in anyway. However I have to watch her like a hawk because she is overly ODD, doesn't understand life as a whole and is extremely free with herself in general. A very big fear we've had for years. I know it's a fine line as a parent to hold on too strongly but we MUST in her case as there is danger where she is concerned.

Mr. Busy isn't quite interested in girls. I mean he is but not overtly. He notices them but he's too shy still to actually ask a girl out. I know the time is coming when he won't be and I will have rules for him. He mostly likely will be too scared.

My rules are much like what others have said: must come to our house- they are not allowed to others house (simply because I know what goes on at others houses and the lies that are told by mine and others), they have curfews. When it's dark they need to be in (for now), if they go to the movies an adult needs to go with as teens going alone CAN and DO get in trouble (sexual or otherwise!), they are NOT allowed to ride in anyone others car unless it's a parent driving, ms. Queen can not do sleep overs because her issues are so bad and we've had trouble with that in the past with her getting in trouble online (she's banned from computers in home and at school) smoking (both things), etc. There are more and I know it sounds like I am really strict but for Ms. Queen I have to be and Mr. Busy I'm a little more relaxed as he doesn't have as many. The oldest is an adult so it's a none issue now. Her life is hers, even if I'm not happy with some of what she does.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Lots of good advice here. I just wanted to add: face it, no matter how cool we parents think we are, in our teenagers' eyes, we almost NEVER are ;-) Many of them believe we exist solely to embarass them, and that includes PCs and difficult children!

 

[TerryJ2]

Many of them believe we exist solely to embarass them, and that includes PCs and difficult children!

We don't?

 

[DDD]

As I often do I'm going to insert a story that is a bit off the beaten path. The network with Diane Sawyer invited honor students from arund the Country to meet in Atlanta (with a parent) to have a National discussion on "Contemporary Teenage Behavior". Every single one of the kids was darling, most were National Honor Society members, church goers, community leaders and...from very nice families. I watched as easy child/difficult child was still a high school teen.

OMG! These kids (mind you on National television) attested to the fact that the girls "got it over" at the beginning of the outings so they guys would "chill and be fun". "It" was oral sex. I've raised eight teens and I was embarrassed watching the innocence of those outstanding girls. "The boys need and expect us to do it so we get it over early and then we can fun at the bowling alley or the dance or whatever."

I knew for a fact that the nicest, highest achieving girls in our community accepted oral sex as a responsibility that came with having a boyfriend. My easy child/difficult child was a BMOC and thru my grapevine I was embarrassed to know that the "dumb" girls (with straight A's and leadership roles in school and community) gave it up for him. He did not brag about it. He did not tell me. BUT I heard and was aghast. That has been ten years ago and the young adult women continued the pattern.

How do you protect your teens? Great question. I thank God there have been no STD's. I think I have a great grandchild who was conceived when he was fourteen..SIGH!...but the teen Mom never contacted him for support.
I don't envy you guys who are on the hot seat now. It is beyond my perception in 2012, My only advice is keep your ears open, introduce birth control etc. at the earliest hint of budding sexuality. It's a **** shoot. Hugs DDD

 

[DaisyFace]

That has been ten years ago and the young adult women continued the pattern.

And now those same young women accept the "booty call" as part of their responsibilities, too. I think it is very sad that we, as a society, are not teaching our young women to place higher value on themselves...

 

[welcometowitsend]

I agree! It is a **** shoot. We, as parents, can try to instill a strong sense of self in our children, especially the girls. We can encourage them to honour and value themselves and their bodies and their diginity but in the end it is their choice. And seeing as we are 'old' and 'out of it' and 'embarrassing' to them it is difficult to get them to hear what we are saying.

Such a scary time!