suicidal son - so sad and feel powerless

[sammy]

My 21-year-old son tried to kill himself last week by jumping off a bridge. He was spotted by some good people who decided to not mind their own business. He is being dischraged from the Mental Health wing of a city hospital tomorrow - a week afterwards! He clearly has depression, but also has Aspergers and ADHD. He is therefore not really employable (yes there is lots of help he could have had over the years but never bought into it despite dozens of efforts at special schools, therapy, counselling, medications). He is witty and intelligent but has never been successful in school (ADHD), and has very few friends (Aspies are difficult). He lives with us of course being a full-time student. I begged the hospital to not release him, that he was not ready and remained a danger to himself. I'm sure he met with a psychiatrist for a grand total of one hour over the week. He said all the right things, he told me (no I don't have those thoughts anymore, yes I will call a friend next time, yes I know what I did was wrong). They just kept apologizing that they couldn't share any of his information with me. There is no follow-up planned which I cannot believe. We live in a large urban centre so of course there are options in terms of facilities and treatments, but he is not interested. He's not even interested in anti-depressants. He will not be able to go back to school this semester he has missed too much and it's almost over. Which puts next semester in jeopardy. His school success is very borderline, but he wants to continue. He liked it despite the mixed success. But he will not pass with what has gone on, without help from the school (yes they have services to help Learning Disability (LD) students - note-takers, accommodations etc - nope). However he has told his younger sister that if he decides that life's not worth it, he will take just care of things and we have to accept it because it's his life and better to save the food for someone who appreciates it. I am so sad and so angry. Angry at him for not accepting help (why on earth not I'll never get that), angry at the hospital for not listening to someone who knows him the best. I am terrified.
PS no drugs I'm fairly sure. recreational beer, sometimes too much.

 

[Nancy]

sammy I am so so sorry. I understand your anger and your fear. I know this won't help your son but the organization Families Anonymous is a support group for families who have loved ones that are dealing with many of the issues you describe. They may not be able to get your son to accept help but they can help you. In our group we have many parents who said they didn't think they would ever smile again until they found FA.

We begged the hospital to admit our daughter after she claimed she took a bottle of advil. They wouldn't. I asked them what I should do the next time she really does. They asked her if she still wanted to end her life and she said no, so off we went. Fortunately she never took that step but I understand your desperation.

I don't know what to suggest to you because I understand the difficulty in getting an Aspie to do something they don't want to do. We can't keep them safe forever and it goes against everything we believe as parents to admit that. I hope somehow someone can get him to accept help. In the meantime I urge you to get support for yourself.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Sammy, I am so sorry for the pain and heartache you are experiencing. Thank goodness the people who spotted him on the bridge intervened.
You sound like you have been dealing with this for some time. You know the avenues that offer help.
It's so hard when our children become adults because of their age and yet their maturation does not equal it. We the parents are left to deal with the fallout.
We as parents have no control over what our adult children do. It's a very hard reality but it is a what it is.
All you can really do is continue to gently encourage your son to seek help. If he makes attempts to take his life you have to call 911.
I'm glad you are here with us. This is a safe place to share and vent. You are not alone
((HUGSS)) for your hurting heart.

 

[Albatross]

I am so sorry, Sammy. I just wanted to let you know I am reading along. Keep reading and posting. It really helps.

 

[SuZir]

I have no advice, nor much comforting words to give. Just wanted to let you know, that I too read and deeply sympathize.

Our situation is very similar. My son is around the same age and currently hospitalised for suicidal ideation. He never met the diagnostic threshold of ADHD or Asperger but have quite a lot of traits. He too has had a suicide attempt by jumping from the bridge in the past. While he accepts and complies with treatment, that unfortunately haven't helped so much to these issues. This time he even did everything 'right.' He did tell a friend about his suicidal ideation, they did go to ER and he was hospitalised. But still there is no pill, that would take this all away.

 

[New Leaf]

Sammy, so sorry for your hurting heart. It is devastating to be faced with this kind of issue. I do not have the same situation or experience as you do, but having d cs in the grip of drugs feels similar. It is something of an ongoing suicide, a destruction of self, for my two. It is also a destruction of our relationship.

I am so sad and so angry. Angry at him for not accepting help (why on earth not I'll never get that), angry at the hospital for not listening to someone who knows him the best. I am terrified.

I do know these feelings. Sad, angry and helpless. There is nothing I can do to help my d cs, they are on their own path. So, I have had to shift my focus, and rebuild myself. Sad, angry and helpless is not healthy. It is hard to move in this state, to be motivated. To live, ourselves.

I think the advice you have received is sound, to get help for yourself. To be able to understand that we have no control over what our d cs choices are, whether mentally challenged, or drug addicted, or any self destructive tendencies, we do not have control over their choices. Learning to live with the reality, and really live our lives knowing this, and working steadfastly towards this, is imperative to our well-being and survival of it.

I am sorry that I do not have more to share on direction for you. I know there are many support groups out there, where you could find comfort and help.
Certainly, posting here on CD, and having these good, kind hearted souls, who have been through similar situations reply and share, helps. Keep posting and sharing and let your heart speak. We understand the intense feelings. There are others here, who have been in your shoes.

You are not alone.
Please take care. It is hard, so very hard. My heart goes out to you.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[pasajes4]

I will add some gentle cyber hugs to what the other wise warriors have said. It is hard enough to get adequate mental health dare. It becomes a nightmare when they are adults and don't want the help.