Sunday thoughts

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Oct 27, 2019.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    We usually spend Thanksgiving with my mom as a family but since mom passed away we have other plans like a cruise leaving the country. My 37 year old daughter loves to cruise so we decided to take her with us. I have plans in place should she get manic.. I have been out of the country with her while she was manic and I promised myself I would never do that again. It was truly awful. Since putting down strong boundries our trips have been ok for the most part. But I have to go through the check list of what is acceptable and what will not be tolerated. I know she has a hard time missing her grandmother and getting out of town will be good for her and us.
    My daughter's boyfriend will likely cause trouble while she is gone. He does not like her leaving him so he does stupid things. I am glad that we put our cell phones away while on the cruise and she can't listen to him.

    I saw my daughter today at the gym. She is trying to get her weight off, she lost about 10 pounds. I was glad to see her working out. Last Sunday she was so full of lies and confusion. I asked her if she ate and she said no, we went to my house, I fixed a nice meal and then after she ate, the lies got better. I think her lies are tied into low blood sugar plus her bipolar, she really needs to watch her blood sugars.
    There is an enormous freedom that happened to me when I broke off most of my financial ties with her. Most of our fights were over her spending and draining my finances over the most stupid things.
    The only financial tie I have with her is my rent house and it will not be too long before that is paid off..
    So for today things are a bit better, not good, just better. Tomorrow it can all change and it changes quickly but by practicing detachment it helps in many ways.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    The cruise sounds wonderful and I do hope that it is peaceful for you.

    It will just be the three of us for Thanksgiving. The rest of our family do not live nearby.

    I sometimes get sad but I have to be thankful for the family that we have here.
  3. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi RN, I too feel grateful for the little family that I have. I have spent too many Thanksgivings around my husband's family and it was not good, just stressfull, tense and cold. I will enjoy spending thanksgiving on a ship far out in the ocean. Hope all of you have a wonderful, peaceful Thanksgiving.
  4. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I try to think of the Holiday's as just another day. It's not to say that I don't like them but for now with such a broken family it's easier to not have such high expectations. There is so much emphasis to be joyful and excited on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I remember, it is often hard to be joyful and excited on a regular day. I also try to remember that these particular days have the same hours in every other day and will begin and end the same. I try to "normalize" them so I don't get so saddened over what I wish "could be". I always, keep hope that someday it will be better.
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  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I am so sorry for your pain JayPee, your pain drips out of your postings~and I think about you, that you have 2 children off track. My 1 off track child was and sometimes still is so overwhelming for me. My friend at the gym has 4 children all of them way off track. I admire and highly respect people that can deal with such huge heartache. I wish deep peace for all of us.
  6. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Yeah holidays can be hard, and a trigger for people with MI (and those without). Lots of expectations, feelings and crap shoveled at us by the media/IG/Facebook/yaddayadda. Not that it can't be a wonderful, magical time - but it's just not that to all people.

    We are planning a family feast, as we usually do, but we do have some family requests that put tension into the mix.

    I really do hope you enjoy your cruise, love.
  7. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Hi Newstart,
    I think it is very freeing and shows great boundaries to cut financial ties with grown children. It is something I am continuously working on getting my adult kids off my bills.

    My son seems to feel a bit resentful that I ask him to contribute to the household financially now that he is working . I am away on a solo trip right now and son has been giving husband a hard time with chores "because I am asked to pay rent". I had to laugh - the amount I am charging is not even a full rent payment for anyone (even if you only rented a room somewhere)
    and we all have chores to do no matter where or how we live. So when I get back home, I will tell him he needs to step up and pitch in or he can pay full rent.

    It sounds like you have found a solution for the holidays you feel comfortable with covering any eventualities that could occur with your daughter . Holidays are often laden with expectations. My adult kids don't really want to participate in holidays with us anymore , so I am trying to figure out what I want to do for Thanksgiving and then do that. Last year, for the first time I didn't cook and ran a 5K with a friend instead. It was lots of fun.
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  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I actually remember being sad when I was a child around the holidays too. My mother was an alcoholic so it usually wasn't a happy or special time. I did enjoy them with my ex husband and his family and my current husband of 27 years and his family when we all got along (lol).

    Then both my parents died in January a few years apart which added to the dark winter sadness.

    But this year my son is better than he has been in years - still a long way to go to GROW UP - so I am going to focus on my faith and having a peaceful holiday season this year even if it kills me lol!:thanksgiving13::forchristmas:
  9. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    This sounds wonderful to me and I hope you have a wonderful time!
  10. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    This is where I am too. The expectation to have a "Hallmark" holiday is really strong, and it just feeds the grief and disappointment. Josh will not be with us, again, for Thanksgiving or Christmas. He refuses to spend any time with us and continues to alienate with his abuse. We will drive to another state where our younger son lives and spend the holiday with him as we did last year. I will try to focus on enjoying the time together with just the three of us and accept the way things are at the moment. Holidays are hard anyway because when I was growing up, my alcoholic mother and my father always fought even more at the holidays, so I have to watch my mindset anyway.
  11. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you ChickPea, I hope you have a wonderful feast and love back to you.
  12. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Wishchoices, I think running a 5K would be so much more fun than cooking on Thanksgiving, my husband will want us to cook a large feast before Thanksgiving. I am always surprised that our daughter age 37 still wants to go with us. Last year my daughter and I ran a 5K on a private Disney Island on Thanksgiving, it was wonderful and we had a great time. Your son does not know how lucky he is to have a home with do able rent. Nice that he is spending more time with his dad. Wishing the best for you.
  13. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I hope you have a wonderful experience. I agree, learning to communicate on facts, not feelings (emotional detachment) makes it so much easier not to completely lose it and make poor choices.

    In healing