Childofmine
one day at a time
BG, how are you feeling about that? I used to be relieved and depressed at the same time. Will it ever change? Thank goodness he is "somewhere."
We're here for you.
We're here for you.
Surely his demise can't be far away? Sorry, VERY long!
- Thread starter blackgnat
- Start date
I'm sorry BG. Today do something for you......the past few days have been all about your son and your worry for him.......today be very kind to YOU. Hugs.....
blackgnat
Active Member
Thanks so much for your kind words-for some reason I feel laid low by this. Normally I take it in stride, but I feel that there really isn't hope.
Both my ex and the exgfs mother feel that he should leave CO and go to San Diego (he was born there and has always wanted to go back-at least he won't freeze) and maybe start a new round of games...
Apparently there has always been a restraining order against him even being at my ex's apartment complex (tho the exgf lived very near) but none of us knew that.
I just feel like I have truly lost him and I will need time to process this. It's always two steps forward, one step back with me. I sometimes feel so strong and capable and detached (though you'd never thinks that by reading my posts!) and right now I want to cry. I realized that I never really cry about this. Today I want to.
His hearing is at 1:30 today. I guess he will be released-not sure. My ex says he will meet him somehwere neutral to discuss what he wants to do. He was GOING to hand over the van to Difficult Child, who wouldn't register it or anything, then let the chips fall where they may. Now I think he's going to buy him a bus ticket to CA. Don't know.
The exgf's mother, who has had the patience of a saint, said that she has offered INNUMERABLE options to Difficult Child-researched programs, found places that deal with dual diagnosis etc but he has , at every point, refused.
And I guess that's all I really need to know.
I realize that I'm not replying individually to all your words of common sense, courage and support and I'm very sorry for that-I really am SO grateful for all the replies but am feeling too overwhelmed right now. But thank you all so much.
I found this article and sent him a hard copy of it last time he was in jail (i.e. TEN days ago) and he found it useful ,so I'll pass it along, just in case any of the other warriors on here get something out of it:
http://www.newsweek.com/2015/05/01/homeless-millennials-are-transforming-hobo-culture-323151.html
Peace and love to you all.
Both my ex and the exgfs mother feel that he should leave CO and go to San Diego (he was born there and has always wanted to go back-at least he won't freeze) and maybe start a new round of games...
Apparently there has always been a restraining order against him even being at my ex's apartment complex (tho the exgf lived very near) but none of us knew that.
I just feel like I have truly lost him and I will need time to process this. It's always two steps forward, one step back with me. I sometimes feel so strong and capable and detached (though you'd never thinks that by reading my posts!) and right now I want to cry. I realized that I never really cry about this. Today I want to.
His hearing is at 1:30 today. I guess he will be released-not sure. My ex says he will meet him somehwere neutral to discuss what he wants to do. He was GOING to hand over the van to Difficult Child, who wouldn't register it or anything, then let the chips fall where they may. Now I think he's going to buy him a bus ticket to CA. Don't know.
The exgf's mother, who has had the patience of a saint, said that she has offered INNUMERABLE options to Difficult Child-researched programs, found places that deal with dual diagnosis etc but he has , at every point, refused.
And I guess that's all I really need to know.
I realize that I'm not replying individually to all your words of common sense, courage and support and I'm very sorry for that-I really am SO grateful for all the replies but am feeling too overwhelmed right now. But thank you all so much.
I found this article and sent him a hard copy of it last time he was in jail (i.e. TEN days ago) and he found it useful ,so I'll pass it along, just in case any of the other warriors on here get something out of it:
http://www.newsweek.com/2015/05/01/homeless-millennials-are-transforming-hobo-culture-323151.html
Peace and love to you all.
Childofmine
one day at a time
You don't need to reply to each person BG. We are here for you whenever, and we are circling the wagons, praying for protection, praying and hoping and wishing serenity, relief, peace, calm, acceptance...all of these things for you and for each of us and for ourselves.
This is truly the hardest stuff there is, I do believe.
Please know we understand.
This is truly the hardest stuff there is, I do believe.
Please know we understand.
We're all here BG, and we know just how you are feeling now. As COM said, this is the hardest stuff there is........hang in there......breathe deeply and let yourself cry. Crying can be cleansing........Saying prayers and sending hugs.......
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
This is my fear for my son. But, I am wrong.
I knew a man who was in prison. He was mentally ill. He had a sex offense on his record. He had been a drug user. He was brain injured. He had at least 2 prior serious felonies...and after one more he would be imprisoned for life.
He decided to change. And he did.
Even when our children are maimed, drug crazed, mentally ill, and sick...they can choose still to change. And some do.
hopeandjoy66
Member
Blackgnat, how are you feeling this morning? I am sure many of us are wondering that. I hope that after a good cry and you were able to regain your strength in this situation. I also pray for your son, but for you I hope a sense of peace has come over you.
Still praying.
Still praying.
blackgnat
Active Member
As always, thanks for your support and kindness. I had my cleansing cry and am ready to face whatever the day brings. Think I just had to do some grieving yesterday.
I know he has another hearing today but I won't know the outcome unless he calls me or his dad or his exgf's mother.
Today my attitude is, "He knows I love him, he can call if he wants to talk, but the next steps he takes are entirely up to him. He knows what he needs to do to build his life up and he needs to decide if he feels it's worth it. Lots of avenues have been offered to him-he needs to pick one and accept the consequences of those decisions".
BIG difference from my headspace yesterday. And I MUCH prefer THIS one
I know he has another hearing today but I won't know the outcome unless he calls me or his dad or his exgf's mother.
Today my attitude is, "He knows I love him, he can call if he wants to talk, but the next steps he takes are entirely up to him. He knows what he needs to do to build his life up and he needs to decide if he feels it's worth it. Lots of avenues have been offered to him-he needs to pick one and accept the consequences of those decisions".
BIG difference from my headspace yesterday. And I MUCH prefer THIS one
I'm glad you feel better BG. This path is full of waves of grief. Generally it follows the 5 stages of grief, denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance and in my experience we cycle through those in all directions until we land in acceptance. It's one helluva journey. Make today all about YOU, do kind and nurturing things for YOU........grab the day and relish each moment!
Hi BG, glad you are having a better day. @recoveringenabler is correct about the stages of greiving. Most people think greiving is only for when someone dies, it's not, it is very healthy to greive the loss of the relationship we used to have with our children. It really helped me to let go when I allowed myself to mourn the loss of the son I used to have, to come to the acceptance of who he is now.
Doing this was the only way I could move on with my life.
We are warrior parents who have battled and have the hidden scars on our hearts and we are also survivors.
I hope as the days go on your inner peace will grow.
((HUGS))
Doing this was the only way I could move on with my life.
We are warrior parents who have battled and have the hidden scars on our hearts and we are also survivors.
I hope as the days go on your inner peace will grow.
((HUGS))
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
I am glad you feel better this morning. You are doing so well with something so impossibly hard!
I am concerned about you. The emphasis in the paragraph I've quoted is on your son, blackgnat. I like that you are putting responsibility for his choices and their consequences on him.
I like that part.
But blackgnat, you are like me. We are not so able to say no, or to put ourselves first. (Or ever.) In a kinder world, our sons would have grown into men who would protect their sweet, trending toward innocent mothers and then, into men who would treat their wives the same way. But that is not what happened to our sons, blackgnat. Instead, our sons have been twisted into their darkest shadow selves by the addiction that has them in its teeth. They use the way we love them to manipulate us into enabling, instead.
And we are defenseless.
I think they may not be able to help themselves.
Addiction is a terrible, destructive thing.
When they are using (or when my daughter was in such a terrible position), it is very much as though the son or daughter we believe is in there somewhere, and with whom we hold faith, has been kidnapped and brainwashed. That son you love (or either of the children I love) is being held hostage by something we don't understand.
I am so sorry this happened to your son.
But you are like me. We are going to have to go almost word for word ~ like the women on the site did for me, when I first came here ~ for you to be able to say no to your son without destroying yourself. That person who could not face herself down to stand up to her son in the Parent Emeritus archives is me, blackgnat.
I am very concerned for you.
It was a very hard thing for me to understand how it could be a right thing, not to help. It wasn't until SWOT posted about verbally abusive kids ~ and that was years later ~ that I could see what my son was doing. Intimidating me, tricking me, manipulating me, making me feel awful. I could not believe that of him. I would not allow myself to believe it.
But that is what was happening to me.
As our Seeking Strength says, stay close to the site, during this time.
Are you attending Al-Anon or NAMI meetings, blackgnat? Other parents ~ even a pastor or priest ~ is not likely to be able to counsel you through this as well as a group of parents who are coping with what is happening to their children the same way you are coping with what is happening to your son.
It's that hard.
Would you like to post about how to stay present during what will be a phone call, or some other contact, designed to break through your defenses? Saying no is hard enough, but living with myself afterwords ~ that nearly killed me. It tore me apart inside, to be that mother. It went against everything I believed in, to turn him away or even, to believe the things my D H was telling me about our own son.
Or our daughter.
Really slowly, with almost verbatim help from the moms on the site, I was able, finally, to begin telling my son to stand up, telling him he was raised better. Then, I said "no money". And I really did suffer through every bit of it. I learned to take care of myself, here on the site. Without it, without the other parents here, I would never have come to understand how to do this, how to live with myself as the mom I have to be, to make a difference for my kids.
But both my kids stood up, blackgnat.
They stood up, and they are still standing.
I'm sure it doesn't work that way every time. I know some of us do lose our children. But it is the addiction that is killing them. Child of Mine posts that addiction is a terminal disease. I believe that with all my heart. If we are going to save them blackgnat, we need to change our behaviors. I think it might be impossible for an addicted person to change theirs.
So, that only leaves us, if we are hoping to make a difference, here.
I had to stop being the confidant to either of my children and then, to one of my grands. I reached for and found the right words: "I love you too much to help you destroy yourself or to watch you do it. You were raised better. I expect you to stand up. I expect you to be the man your father and I raised you to be."
We have been where you are, blackgnat. Some of us stronger, some of us (who shall remain nameless, but it is me) not so strong, even today.
But we got me through it blackgnat, and we can get you through it, too.
How are you cherishing yourself through this time, blackgnat? Please review the paragraph I've quoted, only ask the questions or make the statements this time from your perspective as your own protector, as your own cherisher.
That will be a beginning.
None of this is easy.
Cedar
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi Blackgnat
I am pretty new here and have been suffering too. Pretty quickly I became clear that my son's life was his responsibility, his decision; he would save himself, if he wanted to, his choice. I saw clearly, after a time, that anything I did to help, made it worse.
What has been harder to do, is to deal with the emotional side of things. Constant worries about him, what will happen, what won't happen.
I had pretty much given up on living myself. I had been living vicariously my son's life, neglecting myself, because I was so worried. I guess I felt, too, it was all my fault.
I have come to understand that this is wrong on so many levels. In fact, I see that my thinking and acting has been just as disordered as his.
If I do not get dressed, mope, neglect my mate and my health, lose hope, do not meet my responsibilities...set aside my profession, not use my talents or abilities, who is the deadbeat here?
I am doing what I deplore in my child: quitting, shirking responsibility, drama, acting the martyr. All qualities I judge harshly--in him. This is laziness of the highest order.
So why am I going on and on about myself in your thread?
Because I believe we do not let go of this emotional bond....to punish ourselves. It is if we are saying: I will give you MYSELF as hostage ...if you spare my child.
In a primitive way we are trying to bargain for our children...
Rationally, I know this does not make sense: I can sacrifice myself...and there will be two broken lives. Rationally I know that no suffering of mine, will change anything for my boy.
Still, we resist breaking this emotional bond with our children, even to save our own lives...because it feels to be our last hope for them. But this is not true.
I am learning that each of us has the right...to choose to live...well. And that I am giving up on my son...if I do not have hope...that he will step up.
How was it that I did not recognize this, until now?
On another thread, a mother has told us of her son's violence in her home, and of her terror...of her child.
I recounted an incident a few years ago where my son destroyed several bicycles in our garage.
What I did not write is this: My then 22 year old son had suffered a serious brain injury. I was desperate that he not ride his bike in the few days after he returned from the hospital, when he was at risk of seizures and when re-injury would be so dangerous.
We locked his bicycle. In turn, he destroyed our bikes.
Until today, I had not seen how inappropriate had been my actions toward my son. If he could not live in my home respecting my wishes, he could leave, brain injury or no.
He was by then, a man. He could choose himself, for himself...but not in my home.
Only now do I see how I infantilized my son, while complaining of his immaturity, hundreds and hundreds of times.
Over and over I chose for myself. And each time I did so, I deprived my son of the ability to grow up and to grow up well.
If I continue to hang on to my dread for him...I am actually committing myself to the idea...that he cannot do it, that he cannot mature, perhaps, even that he cannot live. What I am really saying...when I do not let go of my dread...is that I am without hope and confidence in my son.
I realize now that detaching emotionally from my son does not mean that I do not love him or that I see no way to help him or that I do not want to help him. It means that I believe he can and should do for himself and that I respect and love him enough to allow him to do so.
What it means is that I will allow him to step up (or not) to be a man. His choice. Not mine.
My despair was inappropriate and wrong. I am wrong. I pray that it is not to late.
Better my concern be about my own poor choices...most of all scapegoating my son and holding him responsible for my despair, not finding a way forward myself, for myself.
Another time I will write about what I think it is in me that has made it hard for me to hold onto hope for my son.
Copa
I am pretty new here and have been suffering too. Pretty quickly I became clear that my son's life was his responsibility, his decision; he would save himself, if he wanted to, his choice. I saw clearly, after a time, that anything I did to help, made it worse.
What has been harder to do, is to deal with the emotional side of things. Constant worries about him, what will happen, what won't happen.
I had pretty much given up on living myself. I had been living vicariously my son's life, neglecting myself, because I was so worried. I guess I felt, too, it was all my fault.
I have come to understand that this is wrong on so many levels. In fact, I see that my thinking and acting has been just as disordered as his.
If I do not get dressed, mope, neglect my mate and my health, lose hope, do not meet my responsibilities...set aside my profession, not use my talents or abilities, who is the deadbeat here?
I am doing what I deplore in my child: quitting, shirking responsibility, drama, acting the martyr. All qualities I judge harshly--in him. This is laziness of the highest order.
So why am I going on and on about myself in your thread?
Because I believe we do not let go of this emotional bond....to punish ourselves. It is if we are saying: I will give you MYSELF as hostage ...if you spare my child.
In a primitive way we are trying to bargain for our children...
Rationally, I know this does not make sense: I can sacrifice myself...and there will be two broken lives. Rationally I know that no suffering of mine, will change anything for my boy.
Still, we resist breaking this emotional bond with our children, even to save our own lives...because it feels to be our last hope for them. But this is not true.
I am learning that each of us has the right...to choose to live...well. And that I am giving up on my son...if I do not have hope...that he will step up.
How was it that I did not recognize this, until now?
On another thread, a mother has told us of her son's violence in her home, and of her terror...of her child.
I recounted an incident a few years ago where my son destroyed several bicycles in our garage.
What I did not write is this: My then 22 year old son had suffered a serious brain injury. I was desperate that he not ride his bike in the few days after he returned from the hospital, when he was at risk of seizures and when re-injury would be so dangerous.
We locked his bicycle. In turn, he destroyed our bikes.
Until today, I had not seen how inappropriate had been my actions toward my son. If he could not live in my home respecting my wishes, he could leave, brain injury or no.
He was by then, a man. He could choose himself, for himself...but not in my home.
Only now do I see how I infantilized my son, while complaining of his immaturity, hundreds and hundreds of times.
Over and over I chose for myself. And each time I did so, I deprived my son of the ability to grow up and to grow up well.
If I continue to hang on to my dread for him...I am actually committing myself to the idea...that he cannot do it, that he cannot mature, perhaps, even that he cannot live. What I am really saying...when I do not let go of my dread...is that I am without hope and confidence in my son.
I realize now that detaching emotionally from my son does not mean that I do not love him or that I see no way to help him or that I do not want to help him. It means that I believe he can and should do for himself and that I respect and love him enough to allow him to do so.
What it means is that I will allow him to step up (or not) to be a man. His choice. Not mine.
My despair was inappropriate and wrong. I am wrong. I pray that it is not to late.
Better my concern be about my own poor choices...most of all scapegoating my son and holding him responsible for my despair, not finding a way forward myself, for myself.
Another time I will write about what I think it is in me that has made it hard for me to hold onto hope for my son.
Copa
Last edited:
blackgnat
Active Member
Wow! What amazing posts, Cedar and Copa. I can tell you that you are incredibly perceptive and you got me pegged!
It's SO hard for me to put myself first-I don't even know if I know how to do that. It's not like I'm Mother Teresa, it's just I'm used to thinking about other people-does this mean I don't like myself very much? I AM in therapy, but obviously still have a LONG way to go. Ugh, it's exhausting.
As much as I feel I can level with my Difficult Child, I also know that I would NOT ask him to leave my house if it were raining, etc., as my ex has had the strength to do. Having said that, I have told him in no uncertain terms that he will NEVER live with me again and I do mean that. But having him 1,000 miles away is a wonderful thing- but, is that just because I'm too cowardly to be able to say no to him?
I have had YEARS of this and at its very worst, I was very strong but I feel like I have relapsed, with him being so far away. When it's not in my face, I kind of revert to fixer mode. When I was last in CO, we were together every day and things started to slip into the usual roles. We BOTH said, within minutes of each other, "I'm not comfortable with this and we need to distance ourselves again". So on one level, we are aware of things sliding back and I don't think either of us wants that...until he wants to have some unhealthy need met, that is...
Again, it's so circular with me. I have to keep drilling the mantra of "HIS CHOICES" into my head. That's the only thing that sustains me when I'm down about the spectacular failure that is his life.
He called yesterday from jail (I'm always delighted when he gets jailed-he is at least housed and fed) and I asked him "What was your plan when you got out? What happened to the bed that you had reserved in the shelter and the job at the car wash?" He replied, "Well, my plan was to drink myself to death". My gallows humour took over and I said, "But that could take YEARS!" It just slipped out, haha.
What kind of stupid plan is that?
He will be out next Friday, so the games will no doubt resume...
The other day when I was so down about it all, I texted a friend and told him how I was just allowing the feelings to surface and feel them, instead of pushing them away. How I felt sad about the death of hope and dreams for my son. His reply was, "Yeah, but it's not making any difference, is it?" And I thought, yeah, dude you are right-nothing I'm feeling changes a stinking thing. That's when I decided to go to the store for some cake and eat it all. I sat out on my balcony with a cuppa (I'm English, so tea is the day's lifeblood), a great book and my cake. All was right with the world again-MY world, that is.
So maybe I DO know how to take care of myself?
As always, I will re-read these posts and incredible words of wisdom and absorb them. Maybe I'm just a slow learner, but believe me, everything on this board is digested and stored and revered.
It's SO hard for me to put myself first-I don't even know if I know how to do that. It's not like I'm Mother Teresa, it's just I'm used to thinking about other people-does this mean I don't like myself very much? I AM in therapy, but obviously still have a LONG way to go. Ugh, it's exhausting.
As much as I feel I can level with my Difficult Child, I also know that I would NOT ask him to leave my house if it were raining, etc., as my ex has had the strength to do. Having said that, I have told him in no uncertain terms that he will NEVER live with me again and I do mean that. But having him 1,000 miles away is a wonderful thing- but, is that just because I'm too cowardly to be able to say no to him?
I have had YEARS of this and at its very worst, I was very strong but I feel like I have relapsed, with him being so far away. When it's not in my face, I kind of revert to fixer mode. When I was last in CO, we were together every day and things started to slip into the usual roles. We BOTH said, within minutes of each other, "I'm not comfortable with this and we need to distance ourselves again". So on one level, we are aware of things sliding back and I don't think either of us wants that...until he wants to have some unhealthy need met, that is...
Again, it's so circular with me. I have to keep drilling the mantra of "HIS CHOICES" into my head. That's the only thing that sustains me when I'm down about the spectacular failure that is his life.
He called yesterday from jail (I'm always delighted when he gets jailed-he is at least housed and fed) and I asked him "What was your plan when you got out? What happened to the bed that you had reserved in the shelter and the job at the car wash?" He replied, "Well, my plan was to drink myself to death". My gallows humour took over and I said, "But that could take YEARS!" It just slipped out, haha.
What kind of stupid plan is that?
He will be out next Friday, so the games will no doubt resume...
The other day when I was so down about it all, I texted a friend and told him how I was just allowing the feelings to surface and feel them, instead of pushing them away. How I felt sad about the death of hope and dreams for my son. His reply was, "Yeah, but it's not making any difference, is it?" And I thought, yeah, dude you are right-nothing I'm feeling changes a stinking thing. That's when I decided to go to the store for some cake and eat it all. I sat out on my balcony with a cuppa (I'm English, so tea is the day's lifeblood), a great book and my cake. All was right with the world again-MY world, that is.
So maybe I DO know how to take care of myself?
As always, I will re-read these posts and incredible words of wisdom and absorb them. Maybe I'm just a slow learner, but believe me, everything on this board is digested and stored and revered.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
It is good that you can laugh about it, blackgnat. Humor will get us through times when nothing else will. It happened to me that there came a time when I would hear the black in it and hate that he expected me to laugh about any of this with him. I told him that. "I love you too much, I am too deeply hurt by what is happening to you, to laugh at you with you."
I have to write these things down so I can say them. When I am in the thick of the thing, I never can think what to say.
I don't think so. We were talking about my abusive FOO again one day, and it occurred to me that, just as they are wired like sociopaths (((( :O) )))) I am wired the opposite way. I don't see nastiness coming until it lands in my lap. I have been trained all my life not to see it, not to know it, not to remember it, and to forgive it when I do see it.
It would make sense that, if some of us are wired like sociopaths, others of us would have to be wired like you and I are. Otherwise, the sociopathics in the family would have done themselves and each other in, long since.
So, out of necessity, people like us were evolved.
It isn't that the potential for violence, or for violent outburst, isn't there in us. It's just that it seems stupid, to us. We are not happy when someone feels badly.
There are people who thrive on making other people feel badly.
It is what it is.
I so frequently believed myself to be a coward too, blackgnat.
It turns out that wasn't true, after all.
When I understood a little bit more about how enabling worked, when I really got it that it was not helping (in this case, my own son) for me to accept the way he talked to me, or to understand that it was his own pain he was shielding himself from when he talked to me like that, or however it was that I believed I could love him through it ~ then I could decide why I needed to change the pattern of interaction between us. If you look honestly at what has come to be between yourself and your child, I think you will find, like I did too, that it was begun out of kindness, out of decency and modeling compassionate response, and of believing in your child, and in yourself. But when our children are addicted, though the child we raised is in there, he is no longer in charge.
The addiction is in charge.
The only way he can possibly be strong enough to beat it is if he respects himself enough to break free and take charge of himself, again. And the beginning piece of self respect, for our sons, raised as they were, is for them to begin to respect their mothers. Maybe, and I am not so sure about this piece, our sons' knowing how shameful who they have allowed themselves to become is, given the gentle way they were raised, part of why they hate the weakness they sense in themselves as regards their addictions.
And addiction loves it, when people hate themselves.
That is how it gets in.
So, that's what I think I know about how we can learn how to require that our sons treat both us and themselves with respect.
And the addicted part of them hates that.
It hates anything that makes the core self stronger.
Not that I was a perfect mom, or even a gentle mom. But I loved and enjoyed and took great pleasure in my kids. So, that would have been good enough to see them through into their adulthoods.
Until the addiction.
I didn't do any of this by myself, of course. I had the site.
So do you.
:O)
Their addictions turn our children into very manipulative people. We have to be wise, and we have to be wary, and we have to find a trusted source of support to help us stand up to our own feelings as we change the natures of the relationships we have established with our kids.
Beloved....
That is what one of the moms here wrote about her child, once. I don't remember which of us it was now, but I have never forgotten that word. Almost like a prayer, that word beloved.
And it keeps me very strong, when I waver.
That's okay. We chose as we did regarding how to help our kids with all our hearts. It takes time to break through to understanding that the way we need to parent them now is the right thing for their sakes.
It is very hard, what we have to do.
You will find, as you read and post here with us, that your love for your child will make you strong enough to do even this.
I agree that it is a circular process. I fall back every day.
Every day.
That is why Child of Mine's idea of a toolbox is a good one. We can recognize where we are, and go to our toolbox, or come onto the site.
***
It happened to me this morning that I was able to see my child's beating the addiction ~ for a month or a minute or a year ~ probably takes more strength than I would possess.
So, that makes my addicted, addled, poverty-struck, never educated child...a hero.
All those things that make me so angry, those things of which I am so ashamed...they mean nothing, in the face of defining my child's reality as it truly is.
Addiction is a terminal illness.
That they were able to beat it, once, twice, many times ~ that makes them heroes. Not the falling back. I don't understand addiction.
But I get it that it takes a courageous heart, to beat it.
Ha! I know!!!
But here we are, and you still love him and he still loves you and that's something.
That can be a beginning.
We just have to learn how to love them for their sakes, not ours.
Yay!
I do that.
Buy a package of ice cream sandwiches, turn the heat on the car up to high, and eat them all on the way home, blasting music I love like crazy.
Or a box of Snickers and a book, on a rainy day.
Or I will watch the sun rise.
That is my favorite thing, to watch the sun rise.
When I am having cake? I turn the pan the long way and have a "line". Then, I even it out on the other side.
:O)
It helped me to pound and scream into a sofa pillow. It is important to get the emotions out where you can know what they are. Also pretty important not to let the neighbors hear. Thus, the sofa pillow.
Just start pounding on it. The emotions will come.
We have been where you are now, blackgnat.
And we are right here.
Cedar
Good for you BG!!!
It is easier when miles seperate us. My son is also in CO and I like you in IL (small world).
It's good that you are aware of those feelings, that will help you keep your guard up. Just keep reapeating to yourself that you cannot save him or help him. Even if you had all the money and resources in the world you could still not save him or help him. Until they decide for themselves that they are tired of living the way they are nothing will change for them.
As I've posted before my son has been in and out of jail/prison. The longest he was in was 2 years during which time he told me he was glad to be sober and he was "working the steps". When he was released I flew to CO to get him, brought him back here, set him up with a place to live, supplied him with clothes, food, etc... told him all you need to do is keep going to meetings, get job and get your life back on track. He couldn't stick with it and getting job, what a joke. There's a lot more to the story but in a nut shell, I learned that there was nothing I could do for him because he didn't want it for himself. He chose his drugs and alcohol over his family. It broke my heart but I knew I had to let him go. Mommy couldn't fix this.
It's crazy because my son was "so happy" to be away from CO and all the bad influences he had there but he managed to find new "playmates" here, then in a couple of other states and now he's back in CO.
Hang in ther BG and enjoy your cake!!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi Blackgnat
I am learning that to ask about their plan...opens the door to foul play. Every single time. When you ask them about their plans they:
1. Want you to take responsibility to solve everything.
2. Punish you.
3. Blame you.
In this exchange with your son, I see the three things at work.
By the way, I admire your retort.
Good. He is soon to be released. His plans are his responsibility. His business.
Don't ask.
Don't give him an opening to hurt you, to use you or to hold you responsible.
Last edited:
JulieAnn
Member
Thank you for this. It gives me hope. I have been lurking about for almost a year now. This is my first post. I think I've read almost the entire Parent Emeritus forum. Searching.
