Suspect exh gave difficult child pot

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
I'm not certain yet, but I suspect that while visiting her bio-dad this past weekend, he may have given her some pot.

Two weeks ago, while stressing about difficult child's recent suicidal thoughts, exh told me I "needed to smoke a big fat joint" - as if that would help us all. Pot has been his mainstay drug of choice forever and it's partially the reason I left him way back. I couldn't give a rat's you-know-what how he chooses to kill himself, but if he's giving difficult child pot to "help her cope" (like it's helped him all these years-ha!) I will flip.

difficult child came home stoned last night. This is not habitual and only the 2nd time ever that I've known about. She was with her best friend who may have access to pot from one of her cousins, but I just have this really strong gut feeling that difficult child got it from her dad. Prior to her suicidal episode 3 weeks ago, alcohol precipated and she now says she will not drink alcohol...but I guess she feels it's okay to smoke pot.

And what if exh DID give her the pot? He lives out of our state, 3 hours away. She is 17. I can try to stop her from seeing him until she is 18 (wouldn't be that hard anyway). By then, she can do so on her own. I can yell at him and everything else, but I can't prove it and I mean, what else can I do? I always worried that this would happen. He would so much rather treat his ails with pot. Ironically, he has always been against giving difficult child prescription medications.

I'd love some feedback. I know in my head that I just want to bite off his head, chew it up and feed it to his dog, but obviously I can't do that. And then there is the issue with how to make difficult child see that it's totally messed up for her dad to be giving her pot.

I realize that I'm guessing at this point, but did you ever have a gut feeling about something and just KNOW that you're totally on target?? That's how I feel about this.


Psycho Gorilla Dad
I'd trust your heart. If I had done that, I would have clued in on McWeedy's underground life at least a year earlier than I did.

You do have some options, depending on how far you want to push it. The nuclear option, of course, is to get the police involved. What happens next depends on how your PD deals with stoned kids, but if you suspect your ex is supplying, there's nothing wrong with telling your suspicions to the PD. Who knows, maybe your daughter will even 'fess up when facing the big, scary guys with badges.

But that's only one option, and it may or may not be right for you.

I understand your frustration about age as well. Others here have gently (and sometimes, not so gently) tried to remind me that my son is responsible for his own actions. When he turns 18 in two months, I lose what little bit of legal control over him I still have. All that's left is the control of whether or not he lives in my house and benefits from family membership.

It's been hard for me to accept, but I'm getting there. It may be the same for you. If you feel the need to do something now, do it (whatever "it" may be, and I'm sure others will be here with helpful suggestions). If not, you can accept (as I'm learning to accept) that at 18, they are truly on their own from a legal perspective. You then have to decide if you're going to use what you have left to try and affect a change, or to try and limit the damage and suffering to yourself and other loved ones if they DON'T elect to change.

I hear you. I'm with you on this, as are others. I sincerely hope you find and pursue an option that is best for those you love (and I hope you include yourself in that group). I'm just sorry that I don't have much more to offer than empathy, sympathy, and encouragement.



Active Member
I hope you are wrong. I would call your ex and let him know if he does this, you will call the cops. then I would keep her from him til she is 18. one less idiot in her world.

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
We spoke some about it to and from counseling. She insists that exh did not supply the pot - she claims it was her friend's weed.

I was no stranger to pot at 17, so I get it. It's out there, kids are going to try it, smoke it, etc. But with her personality, bi-polar, medications, etc., we've discussed how her situation is a little more worrisome than most. I especially fear that trying it and smoking it on occasion will lead her to become entrenched in it. And with her dad's cavalier attitude, heck, full blown support and advocacy of pot smoking, it is even more dangerous for her! Add to that the fact that alcoholism runs in my family and she is especially susceptible to addictions. She knows this, it's been talked about since forever. She claims it is not something I should be concerned with. I am going to talk with her bio-dad anyway and see what his response is. No matter what his response is, it at least will put him on notice for the future.

Thanks for your comments and suggestions.

Stella Johnson

Active Member
Drugs are the reason my ex now has supervised visits. He has a similar attitude to your ex. Even if he didn't give it to her, he probably shared his thoughts with her on the subject which is almost just as bad.

If she sees him, I would supervise if I were you. Otherwise, hold out until she is 18.

How often does she normally see him?



New Member
Before responding I have the same question as Steph. How often does she usually see him?

I kept my kids away from ex because of the drug use he has, my answer would depend on the relationship that she has had with him in the past.



Active Member
If ex has visitation rights, then you could tell ex of your suspicions and and then findj a place that doesn't charge much for a quantitative drug test. difficult child could be tested and the results in the next day. Ex could say she brought it with her or she got it from someone, but that could give you ammunition to not allow her unsupervised visits.

Dang these manipulating people and their pot use :grrr:

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
She rarely spends time with him. He lives out of state from where we are and they spend alternate Christmas/Thanksgiving with him. And a week in Summer and the occasional family event for a weekend. They talk on the phone - he only calls their cells these days as he feels that he shouldn't have to go through me by calling our home. And they chat on line. I remember just wishing he would die early so we could all be spared his presence in our lives, but I stopped doing that because I felt it created blocks in my own personal growth. I know he thinks that one day they will see him for the hero and martyr that he thinks he is and hate me for keeping him from them. I have never kept them from him. I just moved to a neighboring state (3 hours away, not too bad a drive in one day) to limit the time they spent with him for these very reasons. He was completely ill equipped to be a parent then and now. He fares much better now that all the baby stuff and childish things are behind us and the girls are more like adults now - he can handle that okay. easy child gets sick of him after one or two days. difficult child can take about 3-4 days and then she's had enough.

He isn't evil, just stupid and ignorant. At this point, I would not bother going through all the BS of the courts when difficult child will be 18 in just a few months. They will probably only see each other for a week or so within the summer months and then difficult child will start classes along with her job, so there simply will not be a lot of opportunities for them to get together. I am hoping she gets a decent job and starts making money because then she will not want to go to his house anyway.

There were a few times when they were younger girls and I didn't let them spend time at his house or overnight due to drug use or conditions. For instance, he lived in one of the top cocaine dealers house when we fist separated. I told him move or he'd never get them again. He moved. Then I witheld visitation because once when I went to drop them off, he was sitting in a pot smoked haze snorting cocaine off a mirror with his friend. When I walked in, he said, "don't worry, I'll just open the window and it will clear out in no time"....Uh, okay. Nevermind. The girls stayed with me at my friend's house and saw him for breakfast before we drove back home (yes, the 3 hour drive so HE could see them!). Loser more than evil. And another time I wouldn't let them stay with him because he had a gun rack on the wall and lived in a lofted one room house - the loft had a ladder up and down. Exh decided to run out for cheese and left his 3 and 5 year old dds home alone in a gun filled, ladder climbing loft with no rails. He locked them in. I called CPS and left it in their hands. And I denied him visitation until he moved. He moved. Haven't really had any issues since then until now.