Suspected Relapse

[pasajes4]

My 34 year old difficult child/easy child called me out of the blue yesterday and asked me if he, his daughter, and his girlfriend could move in with me. He told me that they had gotten evicted and did not have any place to go.

My son is a R.N. he makes close to 45.00 an hour. I asked him why he does not just get another apt. He says he can't because he is broke. He got fired from the hospital ??????? The girlfriend does not work ??????? Things are not adding up.

I told him I just could not have 3 people sitting around the house doing nothing. My son's apartment was a filthy mess. His room and bathroom growing up are were a filthy mess. He lived with his dad and turned that house into a pigsty.

I started to feel guilty. I called my daughter to see if she knew what was going on. She said that he just met this girl and she is a druggie and that's why all this mess got started.

I feel horrible for the 12 year old. I can't take care of her she is a difficult child and that would mean having 4 difficult children under 1 roof.

I would like to help but not enable. Any suggestions would be welcome. I am trying to keep the guilt at bay.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh boy Pasajes, what a sucker punch! You responded in the most appropriate way imaginable and now of course, the guilt comes flying in. But you know what? This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This is your son's problem. He made this bed and how he has to sleep in it. It is unfortunate about your granddaughter, however, that is her fate as well.

If I were in your shoes today, I would run not walk to the nearest CODA meeting or Al Anon or Families Anonymous or wherever you can get TODAY. Just so you can be around folks who can help direct you out of the guilt, out of that mother's sense of responsibility we hold on to with our kids. It is NOT your responsibility. It is sad for all of them, but your son CHOSE to be in relationship with this woman and the consequences are his to bear NOT YOURS.

How you can help is to offer him suggestions on local shelters or Social Services. If he got fired from his job then he needs to be moving in the direction of a new job and seeking assistance if he is using drugs or abusing alcohol or whatever his drug of choice is. He needs to be clean and sober in order to move ahead. If he got fired I believe he can seek unemployment, so he should be putting effort in to that. Not putting you in the position of having to deal with him, his daughter and his girlfriend.

I'm so sorry Pasajes, that is a helluva phone call to receive. If he got evicted, this has been going on for awhile, eviction takes time. There is absolutely no reason you should take this on. However, I do understand empathy and compassion for his plight, but from afar. You can be supportive without taking this on yourself. I think the best thing you can do right now is continue with your boundaries and get some support as quickly as you can so you can stay the course and feel better about your choices without suffering from the guilt.

Sending you lots of warm wishes for peace of mind and serenity to return.

 

[Childofmine]

Oh Pas, what a phone call to get. I HATE those phone calls and there is no way on the earth to be prepared for them.

Remember, feelings are just fine, but feelings aren't facts (famous Al-Anon slogan) and you don't need to act on our feelings. Most of us did that for a very long time and now we are working to learn how NOT to do that.

You feel it for sure. But you don't respond from that feeling. You buy some time and create some space and get some distance and then you think about what you want to do, not feel what you want to do.

So....like you said, did he lose his job or something? What is their deal?

People that age can't live with people our age. It just doesn't work. And especially if they are difficult children.

One thing I think I have learned here on this site is that my home needs to be my sanctuary. I can't have out of control active addicts in my home any more. been there done that, I don't like it. At all.

It sounds like he and the new girlfriend are not a good combo. And it is likely that they'll split up now that this is happening. Hopefully.

I would hang tight. I wouldn't do anything.

If he calls back, write down some possible responses and have them by the phone, like:

"Gosh, that sounds tough."

"I'm sorry you are in this situation."

"What are you planning to do?"

"I am sure you can figure this out."

"I wish you all the best, and hope things work out like you want them to."

"Yes, sounds like you are going to have some tough decisions to make."

"I love you."

You clearly stated above that you can't have 4 difficult children in your home. Well, Pas, I can't have even one. So you sure can't have 4, without going completely nuts.

Hang tight. Let time take its time. Work on YOU today, on your peace and serenity and new ways of thinking. Get to a meeting, read this site, read some Al-Anon literature. Meditate, take a nap, get some flowers, eat some ice cream.

Take care of YOU. Be kind to YOU. You deserve good things today. Make them happen for yourself.

Keep posting and keep us updated. We are here for you, no matter what you decide to do.

 

[Childofmine]

Oh Pas, what a phone call to get. I HATE those phone calls and there is no way on the earth to be prepared for them.

Remember, feelings are just fine, but feelings aren't facts (famous Al-Anon slogan) and you don't need to act on our feelings. Most of us did that for a very long time and now we are working to learn how NOT to do that.

You feel it for sure. But you don't respond from that feeling. You buy some time and create some space and get some distance and then you think about what you want to do, not feel what you want to do.

So....like you said, did he lose his job or something? What is their deal?

People that age can't live with people our age. It just doesn't work. And especially if they are difficult children.

One thing I think I have learned here on this site is that my home needs to be my sanctuary. I can't have out of control active addicts in my home any more. been there done that, I don't like it. At all.

It sounds like he and the new girlfriend are not a good combo. And it is likely that they'll split up now that this is happening. Hopefully.

I would hang tight. I wouldn't do anything.

If he calls back, write down some possible responses and have them by the phone, like:

"Gosh, that sounds tough."

"I'm sorry you are in this situation."

"What are you planning to do?"

"I am sure you can figure this out."

"I wish you all the best, and hope things work out like you want them to."

"Yes, sounds like you are going to have some tough decisions to make."

"I love you."

You clearly stated above that you can't have 4 difficult children in your home. Well, Pas, I can't have even one. So you sure can't have 4, without going completely nuts.

Hang tight. Let time take its time. Work on YOU today, on your peace and serenity and new ways of thinking. Get to a meeting, read this site, read some Al-Anon literature. Meditate, take a nap, get some flowers, eat some ice cream.

Take care of YOU. Be kind to YOU. You deserve good things today. Make them happen for yourself.

Keep posting and keep us updated. We are here for you, no matter what you decide to do.

 

[Nancy]

I'm so sorry, I wish I had an answer. I agree it is not your problem but oh how I understand your worry. Tell him to dump the druggie girlfriend and get a job, oh and grow up. I know as moms we want to fix things but you cannot fix this, he has to. You did your job, you were responsible and raised your kids and you were a special person to special kids in your classroom. It is beyond crazy for him to expect you to continue rescuing him.

 

[Woriedmom]

Pas, I'd find out more information about his job at the hospital. I guess this still would be looking into his business but I suspect he is flat out lying to you. I believe companies periodically give drug tests ...maybe his hospital does too? When you think about it that's one of the worst places to have a person working while being under the influence of anything. I can't stand to be lied to, my 20yr.old does it all the time and he is such a pro. When he was just a kid he use to do all kinds of performances...such as pretending he had some kind of Neurological problem ( either having a seizure or something ) I know that is God awful to do and while many found it to be humorous I would be freaking out. Of course when he finished and would laugh I told him he needed to enroll in drama classes.

No, I would try to find out more info. If he's made that much money...where did it all go?

P.S. A few weeks ago my son popped in to get more of his clothes and told me he's so hungry...right before telling me he's off to Wildwood,NJ . Um...he's so stupid.

 

[pasajes4]

I did go to a CODA meeting last night and will be going to ALANON tonight. It astonishes me that we have so few CODA and ALANON meetings in a town this size. It helped me not feel guilty about my son and girlfriend. I still get twinges about the grand.

I hope he takes the grand to her other grandmother. She had custody of the child until 4 years ago. I was not allowed to have contact with the child during that time because that was their child. I have taken care of her off and on in the past 4 years and it was draining to say the least.

I will try to contact him today and make some suggestions.

Worried, I have no doubt that he is not telling the truth. If he is telling the truth, I would still have a problem with him living under my roof. He should have been able to walk out of that hospitals doors and right into another one. He is a E.R. trauma nurse. They can write their own ticket as far as a job. We have a huge hospital district in San Antonio.

 

[Woriedmom]

Pas, I too live in a huge city and can't believe how few meetings there are. I still cannot find one nearby and I physically cannot drive long distances, not with these panic attacks anyway.
I feel so bad for my son, more than anything it's the fact of the life he has chosen, at times it's almost unbearable for me. He now regrets how his life is turning out but I don't want him to give up so I keep telling him "you're only 20, you can change this all around....judge Matthis did and even has his own show."
Sometimes I think he has different personalities though...one minute he's thinking straight (that 's when the regret comes out ), then when he use to wake from his naps he was like in this mean crazy mood at wouldn't even speak to me.

very strange indeed...guess I'll start a new thread since this enters into a totally new subject.

 

[dstc_99]

Sorry to hear this. I hope the other grandma can help out with the grand.

I really hope he hasnt done something to put his career in jepardy. Drugs are pretty easily accessed in an ER simply because of the need for fast service at times. That would explain him being fired and not being able to find another job.

As for him and the girlfriend I would say no. I might offer to keep the grand short term until housing elsewhere could be lined up. IE: she can stay for a week but you have to have a new place for her to stay by the end of the week. BUT since you said she is a difficult child and draining I would be leary of doing that.

 

[pasajes4]

Thank you for all of your thoughtful responses. I have considered allowing my grand to stay with me for a short time.
My hesitation in allowing her to stay is very selfish. I am enjoying actually having a life. I am traveling, dating, and involved in several different social groups for over those who are over 50. I do not have money for sitters, nor do I wish to give up any of these activities. I am sure that there will be people who will feel that my priorities are screwed up. I have already had a conversation along those lines with his father. He is not willing to allow them a place to stay. He did allow him to stay with him for about 6 years. It was an awful experience. My son was not appreciative of his father's support and speaks very poorly about his father. Why on earth would he think I would want to put myself in his position.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Pasa, I would think through the taking of the grand for a while, even a short while. As you know, I am raising my grand and at 12 it was a bad time, they can take ALL our energy and you already said she is a difficult child. As you said, you have a life now, you've already raised your kids it's your time now. Let them figure it out, if you don't step in with an offer, they will find another way. Down the road if she has absolutely no where to go, then MAYBE you can offer for a SHORT time, with limits, but really, I support you continuing to be absolutely SELFISH and to continue thinking of YOU now.

Personally, I think your priorities are right on target, think of what you want and go with that.........and DON'T feel guilty, go enjoy YOUR life!!

 

[dstc_99]

I agree you should not feel guilty about wanting to continue a happier lifestyle!

Healthy moms make for healthier kids. Your son is an adult and can find a way to make this work.

 

[dazed and confused]

Hello, I am new, was just reading some of your posts, realize I am not alone
I have a daughter who is 25, always has some sort of chaos or drama, needs money, lost id
needs groceries someone else is eating all of hers, her assistance didn't come. We have fed her, paid her rent, bussed her to an fro
she came to live with me cause she can't get along with roomates or anyone else, soon I find money taken from my bank account,
a fraud cheque for 3,000 , and now credit card cash advances up to 3,000. All the while she is acting like she has done nothing , until I found out, now she has disappeared, hasn't called to say she is ok or anything, as a rule we check in everyday just to say hi. I just don't understand how it is acceptable to steal and burn bridges with the only people in the whole world who realy care aout you I just can't understand the reasoning, do it til you get found out, but in the meantime keep up appearances and get all you can. Just throw them on the garbage pile when you are done with them. Has anyone else had this problem, I am about to go nuts with all this chaos an drama and the never ending bank issues, OMG!

 

[pasajes4]

Dazed you are not alone. You may want to post about your situation in Parent Emeritus. You can give more information about your daughter. People will have a chance to respond directly to your situation.

 

[recoveringenabler]

dazed and confused, you've replied to another's thread. You will have more responses if you cut and paste your post and go to Parent Emeritus, to the top right hand corner, click on start a new thread and put in a title along with your post. More folks will see it that way.

You are clearly in a similar boat as many of us. You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. There is also a very good book most of us have read and refer to and that is, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie.

We all need to set very strict boundaries with our adult kids and get as much support as we can in order to begin the process of detachment. It is not easy, but it becomes necessary.

It would be helpful to put a signature at the bottom of your post as you see most of us have, that way we can recognize you and response accordingly. You can do that by clicking on your screen name at the top right and look for 'signature' and 'bio' on the left hand side I believe.

Welcome, we're glad you're here. It helps to keep posting. Hang in there, you're not alone.

 

[lovemysons]

Pasajes,
I don't think it's selfish...it is about self care.
You've been through so much with your other son. It is time for this one to live through his consequences and figure it out on his own. It is time for YOU to have a life you've made for yourself. You deserve your happiness.

Be good to you and stay strong.
Hugs,
LMS

 

[Childofmine]

Pas you are not being selfish at all. You are practicing self-care.

Huge difference.

Saying people can't live with you doesn't mean you are selfish. I am sure you would be glad to interact with your granddaughter and provide her help, encouragement, love and support in many other ways.

I think we are all learning here that we have limits. Even with our own children. Of course we do. We are only human.

I think we are finally getting honest, practicing better self-care and setting limits and boundaries that are healthy for them and for us.

As I have said before on this site, I really and truly don't believe that God intends for grown people who are related to each other to live in the same house. I know families used to do it, especially in the "old country" and it appears it may have worked better back then, and in that day and time.

It really doesn't work well any more in the so-called modern world. Even in the best of circumstances.

We like people a whole lot more when we don't have to live with them. Lol, well kinda.

You go Pas! It's time for YOU!!!!!

 

[pasajes4]

Thanks, I thought long and hard about my response to him. I never hear from him or my grand unless they want something. I don't feel obliged to allow them to come and take over my house and wind up sitting in my bedroom all day while they trash my home.

 

[DammitJanet]

If you are selfish then I am a down right B!

Now I do have to admit that I have always said we have kept the big doublewide in case something horrific happens and everyone of the kids has to come home with their families. It would be awful to have them there because it is a 4 bedroom, with an office off the master which could be turned into a 5th bedroom. Every bedroom would be packed to the gills. I do know though that the only reason my middle son would EVER come home would be if something awful happened like Armageddon. He has his own home.

I used to think I wanted to have Monkey live with me but I have rethought that now. I dont think I could do it again especially since she has now been dxd ADHD.