Sweet Betsy- Urgent

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MrsMcNear46, Nov 12, 2009.

  1. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member

    My dear ole friends,

    I know it's been a long time since I've posted, but I still lurk and pray for the board families after 9 years. My heart is breaking that I am back here, asking for your words of wisdom. They've gotten me through alot of tough times in the past, guided me to decisions I wasn't strong enough to make without your support. Now is again, one of those times.

    I'll spare you with alot of the issues of the past couple of years. Right now, Sweet Betsy is falling apart again. She has been on no medications, has refused, at with her being almost 21 and out of the home, there's no way I can make her. Pot smoking but no hard drugs.

    She sent Lincoln (her 2 yr. old son) in to live with his dad in Aug. That lasted a week and her son is now with his other grandma in Florida. He is safe and sound. Neither Betsy or Scott is willing to do what it takes to raise him. It is so so sad.

    As soon as Lincoln left, Betsy moved in with her new boyfriend. Run, run, party, party. She was working but quit her job after she wrecked her car. Now she spends her time at the new boyfriend's house, while he works 18 hours a day, and has pretty much isolated herself. She is so full of pain, anger, disappointment, self pity, and I'm afraid at this point, she feels hopeless. I won't make excuses for her, most of the problems she is having are from really bad choices she has made herself. She knows that. I have to wonder if she has the strength to put it all back together in the state she is in.

    Sweet Betsy seriously tried to commit suicide at 14. Another couple attempts to get the reaction, or she was just too afraid to go through with it, which she described to me, not strong enough to even check out. She has played the suicide card many times, someone has always been there to interviene. I am terrified that given a real opportunity, she will be at such a low point, she will succeed. Terrified doesn't come close to my fear. Her pain is real and is intense.

    She did an inpatient stay back in March when she was feeling the same. She was placed in one of the best psyc facilities in St. Louis. I was in touch with staff at least twice a day, and there everday. In 5 days, she had still not seen a doctor, was given trazadone in the middle of the day and pretty much ignored. I could not believe the level of treatment, or more so, the lack of. SHe was released after a 5 min. session with the Dr. and RXed Cymbalta. I don't think it would be easy to talk her into going back into the hospital after that experience. She really wanted the help and they did nothing.

    The urgency is what can I do immediatley to help her? I talk to her, I comfort her, I listen to her. I give her suggestions. I know she feels the hole she has dug with her own shovel is too deep to crawl out of. I am scared. Be honest with me dear friends, and give me the best you've got.

    Prayers will help, and thanks to those who know her story and care.

    Blessings to you all,

  2. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I'm not really familiar with Betsy's past. I just read this and want you to know I'm thinking of your daughter and you... What a horrible situation for you to be in. You want so much to help Betsy, and yet, she is legally an adult. in my humble opinion, all you can do is what you're already doing - Be there for her, let her know how much you love her, and provide as much guidance as she is willing to accept.

    However, it is her life. It is up to her at this point to begin to help herself. Unless she wants to move out of her new boyfriend's home, in my humble opinion, I don't think there is much you can do. I'm sorry...

    Of course, I'm really not the best one to give advice on the PE forum. My oldest, difficult child 1, has only been living on his own for about five months. I'm sure others with much more experience, who know much more about your situation than I do, will be along shortly to offer "words of wisdom."

    I'm at the point where I'm trying hard to detach from difficult child 1. Some days are easier than others... I just keep plugging away at it, not always sure I'm doing the right thing. However, I can only imagine how hard it is to detach when you think your daughter might try to hurt herself:sad-very:...

    Sending you lots of hugs and hoping and praying Betsy finds the strength she needs to move forward... SFR
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Mrs. McNear, my first question is: does she want help? Will she let others counsel her and do what is suggested? If she needs a candle in the darkness to help her find her way out, then I would help her with finding the appropriate doctor, therapist and lifestyle that would help her get unstuck.
    If she is, however, sabotaging her life because she has guilt for abandoning her son or is unwilling to change there is little you can do.

    If she would be willing to be seen, evaluated and medicated(if needed) she can start to use that as a tool to dig herself out. Small baby steps forward.

    As for you, remember that our kids are battling a life long disorder that requires slip ups and then bursts forward. I try to remember that our truth, is that it is is never as wonderful as it seems and it is never as bleak as it seems. Our kids ride a rollercoaster of success and failures. Our job is to help them learn how to get through the bad times and to get up and keep fighting. Perserverance is a wonderful thing. We all know you have it. Now sweet Betsy needs to get up and keep her eye on her goal and not give up.

    Hang in there Mrs. McNear. If Betsy seems to be in danger of harming herself- call the police to transport to the hospital.
  4. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    First of all, I am so sorry.
    I would agree with- Fran. This is a lifelong situation, with many, many ups and downs. The good times are not ideal and are not gonna last. The bad times, well chances are they aren't as bad as they seem. And they wont last either.

    If she doesn't want help, there really is little to no chance for real help. It's as simple as that. You might offer her the help, but can't do much more than that.

    Totally understand how you feel...I have been in this place many times and am in this place currently.

    It is really tough....really emotionally painful. If she is in immediate danger, you will need to call the police. And of course, you can always pray for her.

    Perhaps the Serenity Prayer is one of the sources of comfort for you...I will be googling it myself once again today.

  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just want you to know that I have read your post and am including you all in my warmest thoughts and prayers. Hugs. DDD
  6. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    As one who has battled depression for most of my life, here is what I have to offer.

    When you get into the depths of what I call scary depression, it is oppressive. You struggle to keep your head above water and are in full survival mode. You live for the next minute...the next second. Because of that, you do tend to make bad choices. You are incapable of thinking of long term consequences because you are just trying to survive this minute.

    She needs help. She needs medication and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Contact your local mental health agency and find out what you need to do to get her in as soon as possible. Tell them she is in crisis.

  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I couldn't have said it better than what Fran said and agree 100%. Their life is like an evil carnival ride. As parents we just get to sit on the sidelines and say - ride again, ride again, clean them up, put them back on and tell them this time it could be better, or walk away and not watch.

    I'm so sorry. I'm glad your Grandson is in a good place, but again, echo Fran - Sweet Betsy has to want the help. If she wants it badly enough? She could seek you for support. Just put the suggestion out there and keep praying.

    Hugs & Love
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Julie, if you think she is genuinely suicidal, can you pick her up and take her to the ER?

  9. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member

    Thanks so much board mamas. I am so grateful that after all these years, you are still there to support me. It's still hard to believe it's been 9 years since I first found this site. Sweet Betsy was 12 and my mom had just passed away. I remember Fran always giving me the kind of advice my mother would have, straight up with love. From that, I always found the strenght to move forward. You taught me alot Miss Fran. And of couse, Star, with her amazing humor to always make me laugh. You guys are the best. Thank you.

    Today was better. Sweet Bets did agree to counselling and medication. We'll take that on next week. She is receptive to help, I truly think she wants her life to be better. The depression is a major factor here and I'm sure an AD will help her so much. She seemed flat and melencholy today after a rage and breakdown yesterday. I take it a moment at a time.

    Bets has a really high IQ and is super smart. She has always been a critical, out of the box, thinker. As an adult, she doesn't have the same values and ideals that she was raised with. She'd like to someday be a pysicist. She literally hates the government, the Fed, most main stream ideals. She would be happier living in a commune, where she could be allowed to be a free spirit, living off the land and not a part of main stream. She told me today that her biggest struggle is trying to be happy in a world that she doesn't fit into. I struggle with understanding her real feelings sometimes.

    I've really detached so much in the past 4 years. I have let her fall many times. She understands, finally, that my rescuing her is not what's best for her. She has accepted that. When she was melting down and threating suicide last nite, I did not panic. I did not come running. We spoke briefly and I told her how much I love her, that I would always be here to support her and I went to bed. I prayed and I slept well. I've come a long way.


  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Julie I'm so very sorry Besty is having such a hard time. I'm releived she is willing to seek treatment and medications.

    Hopefully she will be able to find stability and then find her niche in this world. Once she does.......she may take off and do wonderfully. There will probably always be the ups and downs........but hopefully with a good therapist/psychiatrist and medications that work she'll be able to learn how to recognize and handle both without going to the extremes.

    Betsy and you are in my prayers. It's so hard to watch out kids when they're struggling and seem totally lost.

  11. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It's always good to see you though it's hard to come back with some back slides from our difficult child's.
    I'm glad I was able to share something that was meaningful to you back then and hopefully today. It's good we help each other through.
    Sweet Betsy is lucky to have you and so is little Lincoln.

    My difficult child wants to write a book. He has said this for years. I have offered a variety of ways to help him. Finally, I told him talk with out action is just delusion. What's he going to do about achieving his goal? He has to have a plan and a goal and not just idle rambling. Sweet Betsy has the same thinking. She wants to be a physicist!?! What's she doing to get there? Her actions, like my difficult child, show lots of words and not much action.
    After she gets out of her slump hopefully you can encourage her to set smaller term goals. Like finish 1 college class before predicting her PhD in the future. LOL. Maybe get a job and keep it for an extended period of time. One step at a time toward financial and emotional stability.
  12. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Mrs. McNear, I just wanted to say that I have to hand it to you -- you have really come such a long way from that long time ago. Your ability to detach, to realize that she has to take responsibility for herself and her situation, to tell her on the phone that you love her and then go to sleep, and to sleep well -- I think that is just terrific. Your family is lucky to have you.

    Love, Esther