Sweet Betsy....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MrsMcNear50, Mar 31, 2010.

  1. MrsMcNear50

    MrsMcNear50 New Member

    Happy Easter to all my Board Friends. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
    Thought I would post an update on Sweet Betsy. So very much has happened in the last 90 days, I’ll have to really condense this or it will be a book. I’ll leave out a lot of the details, it’ll be easy to fill in the blanks, believe me.

    10 days before her 21st birthday, she went to jail for underage drinking and disorderly conduct. Was so drunk, she had no idea how she got there. (Take note, there’s a theme here.) Next day, she gets into it with boyfriend, call from the ER. Black eye, tooth broken off, multiple bruises. No, I did not go to the jail, nor to the ER when boyfriend beat her up. Of course, she stayed with boyfriend.

    The next few weeks I heard very little from her. I knew she was drinking excessively and staying with some really shady people. When she did call, I let it go to voice mail, and chose if I would call her. Most times I didn’t return her call.

    3 am Feb. 19th, phone rings. ER again. This time it’s a doctor, telling me she has been beaten severely and they were airlifting her to a St. Louis trauma center. C-scan shows a brain bleed. The next couple days are much of a blur. Bleed did seal itself off, but severe swelling. I didn’t even recognize her when I saw her. Enough said about that. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking bout it.
    She spent the next two weeks with me. boyfriend locked up in county jail charged with felony domestic assault. Injuries begin to heal, boyfriend bonded out, most of you can figure out what happened next…..off with him she went.

    Since they had been evicted from their house from the arrest, they go live in a drug house. I get a call one nite that she was done, wanted treatment. Against my better judgement, I went and got her, took her back to her Dads house, where I was spending the nite. We both thought she would pass out,, but she had other plans. Starts tearing up dads house, cops called, back to jail. Next morning she wakes up, no clue of what happened. Back to drug house she goes.

    Fast forward to last Sunday nite. Living in drug house, money stolen, sleeping in filth. Gets into it with boyfriend.…see the pattern, big fight, off to jail, no clue what happened. Back to drug house. She finally called me, "Mom, I have to get treatment or I will die." "Yes, Sweet Betsy, that is a fact. The only way I will come get you is if you get on a bus in the morning, tomorrow morning, to treatment."

    As I write this, she is in a residential facility, 2 hours from home. I’ve had very little contact with her since she left yesterday. I think I finally let my breath out this afternoon for the first time in weeks. I am grateful that she is alive. Where there is life, there is hope. My parting words to her were that I was certain she could find the beautiful life that she is looking for and so deserves. We parted with no tears.

    I am thankful for the detachment lessons and guidance I’ve gotten from you all for so long. I hate the mother I have to be sometimes, but I stood strong and fast. It has been by far the toughest time of our lives.

    Prayers and good thoughts would be appreciated. She has a long road ahead of her, but I am hopeful she will find peace.

  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Julie -

    Dum Spiro Spero. Is one of my favorite Latin phrases in the world. I loved that you used it in your letter to us. While I breathe, I hope. No one can ever take that from a Mother. No matter how far back in the recesses of your mind you place your feelings about Betsy, or myself Dude? I think in order to feel human after what our kids put us through? We keep hope alive there. Hidden; but alive, and that just has to be okay for us to keep going every day. It's like the empty chair in my house. People think it's an odd thing until they find out who I leave that odd, empty chair for. No names need be mentioned. Without him? I'd have no hope at all.

    I'd like to tell you I'm sorry for Betsy. She's been in my thoughts and her son too. I have a feeling that this path of self-destruction she's on has been a result of her choices and decisions that led to her not raising him AND using all of that as an excuse to feel sorry for herself and go drugging and drinking. As much as I love her what she's done to herself is so sad, what she's done to her son gets more sad by the day. She is a georgeous girl with a brilliant mind and if I had one thing to tell her - I guess it would be that no matter HOW long she has spent running wild and using herself as a whipping post? It's never to late to stop, turn around and get herself together, and quit making excuses for her behavior.

    She needs to find out who she is, what she wants....and really realize how very, very valuable she is in this world. Not just in your world or her son's life - but to all of us. This business of hanging around with men that would treat her in any other way that with love, kindness, respect and like a princess? Just absurd! She is worth so much more than what she sees in any mirror. I hope she figures out the worth of Betsy - it's certainly a lot more valuable than what she's been selling her self short for. Running in a defecit hasn't been doing her any favors. Time for her to take control, find her purpose, and get back to that determined young lady we used to know. She's still there. I believe she'll find her she just needs to know it takes time - I was told about 1 year of therapy for every year of abuse. Seems like a long time but once you get out of the abuse cycle and stop allowing people to hurt you, and you stop hurting yourself? You realize you want good things around you and avoid bad things - and that starts your new way of life from that day on - so your years catch up pretty quick. When i did the math originally? I figured I'd be about 65 before I was ever normal. (then again - I could be right)

    In the mean time Mom - take heart and take it one baby step at a time. DO NOT expect that this place, this spin-dry is the solution. It's not. BETSY is the solution. This place? It's a tool in a long list of tools to fix her. So if you go along thinking - holding your breath beliving "OH THIS IS IT it HAS TO BE IT..IT HAS TO BE IT OR SHE WILL DIE." then you are selling YOURself short. And setting HER up for failure as well. Just tell yourself this is one stop - and it will have ONE lesson for her. The rest is up to her...and allow yourself the ability to think - this may take several more placements. It's okay. It's alright to hope, it's dangerous to set yourself up. Be realistic - have faith, and if she is successful at this treatment center? Wonderful. If she falls? KNOW it happens, and she'll probably need to fall some before she walks alone without supports. Just like when she was a baby. Not much different. You didn't know much about walking babies when you first became a parent remember? So you're both kinda even again. Give it time - Give it over to where it needs to be. You can't do more than that.

    I have lived 25 years watching an addicts up and downs and spent the first 13 of it - living next to it daily. It will destroy you if you can't make peace and find understanding so I HIGHLY recommend any of the *anon's. Narc-anon was the one I got the most insight from. I went even when he didn't and really got inside the head of a clean/recovering heroin, crack/coke abusers thoughts when he had moments of clarity. Really wild perspective on why, how...etc. Not what you might think and the what you DO think sort of falls to the way side and allows you to let go of a lot of guilt if you have it.

    Hang in there - Stay strong. My love to Sweet Betsy and your grandson. Prayers for your family.
    Hugs & Love
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I am so hoping this is sweet Betsy's first step to rediscovering herself and walking away from that life. I'll be praying hard for her and you.

    Many many warm gentle (((hugs)))
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Hoping Sweet Betsy finds the internal peace she needs to begin building the life she deserves to have. Prayers that you can have a few months peace.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Prayers and hugs for you and Sweet Betsy.
  6. helpme

    helpme New Member

    You are doing a great job with all of this stress.
    Sending you more hugs, prayers and more support.
  7. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Sending you strength and prayers. One day at a time.
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am in awe of your strength. I will keep you and Sweet Betsy in my prayers.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Julie, I'm so sorry for the continual nightmare of the last few months. I can't even imagine the rage you must feel about this whole thing and the SOB boyfriend.

    Gentle hugs and many good thoughts,
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Many good thoughts going out for your Sweet Betsy.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You've done a wonderful job of following the tenets of the Serenity Prayer. Now I'll hope and pray that Sweet Betsy learns the basics for her own life. Hugs. DDD
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Dearest Julie,
    I am so sorry to hear of the unspeakable heartache you have experienced in the last several weeks. Thank goodness you have incorporated detachment principles which undoubtedly gave you some guidance and ability to endure it all. I say hold to them and whatever else will strengthen you and make you whole. I know you want prayers for your daughter (consider it done), but please know I also pray hard for you and your spirit and peace of mind. Additionally, I pray that you will fight with all your might to find joy in life even with this horror in the background. Many, many hugs.
  13. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Julie, I am in awe of the strength and dignity with which you're handling such an awful situation. Saying prayers for Sweet Betsy and for you.

  14. Hugs for you (((((((((((((JULIE)))))))))))))

    I'm praying for you, your daughter and all who love her!

    I'm grateful she's begun to take steps for healing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I pray she'd continue with success!
  15. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member


    I'm coming in late here... You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending hugs and prayers for Sweet Betsy, Lincoln, you and SB's father. I am so sorry that she has lost her faith in and love for herself. Whether it is this time or another time, she CAN change and find a world of peace, love and all she deserves.

    You are handling this with grace and determination and are an inspiration to all of us. Thank you for that.

    We are here for you no matter what happens.
  17. MrsMcNear50

    MrsMcNear50 New Member

    Thank you all for caring so much. There's nothing like the support I have found here for the last 9 years...yes, it's been a very long road.

    I talked to her counselor yesterday. She said SB is doing great, opening up, attending all of her sessions and is receptive to the help they offer. I understand that treatment is not a miricle, but a stepping stone to a better life, if she chooses it. I will always be here to support, but not enable. I have been attending Alanon meetings a couple nites a week. They are helpful, but at this point, I am so tired of thinking about it, talking about it, reliving it, that I'm going to take a break. I just need to rid my mind of what's been going on, for just a little while.

    My life is starting to come together again. I landed a great job in Jan., which sure helps with the finances, but more so, it's great to be back in the game and making a difference. easy child is doing her thing, enrolled in summer classes at the community college, working and making great choices. She did move in with boyfriend, who is a great guy, last weekend,, much to my dismay. I truly am an empty nester now, but spend my time doing what makes me happy.

    I'll keep ya all posted....again, you guys are the greatest.


  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Julie I am so happy Betsy is working the program. Thank you for the update. I've been wondering how she's doing.

    A break would do you a world of good. Every one needs one once in a while. Take one for me while you're at it. lol

    Betsy and you both will remain in my prayers.

  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear that she is trying. It's hard for everyone, but as you say, each step there is a step forward.
  20. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Thank you for your post.................. hoping for positive progress for Sweet Betsy ......................... Sending hugs to you for being a warrior mom...........