Taking food to feed boyfriend?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ski10, May 6, 2011.

  1. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    I have been catching my daughter taking food to her boyfriend, she's hardly here anymore, comes to eat sometimes then is back out the door, she was putting food in to her backpack the other day and I asked her why, (knowing she was taking it to the boyfriend, he is banned from our house, posted about him before, thieving, drugs etc) and she said it was all for her, two of everything?? hm.....

    I said she can't take food out for him, it costs money and no, she can't do it, she blew up and left.
    It sounds so petty but it is a lot of food going out and the boyfriend is doing nothing to help himself so I feel it's enabling him. I have always fed people, don't mind at all, I like to but not with boyfriend anymore.

    She came home earlier today to change clothes, boyfriend sat outside on the curb, they are going to walk (can't use car as she was letting him drive it..) all the way to the mall to put an application in to Victoria's Secret, they're hiring, they are going to have to dodge traffic on at least 2 major highways, and the mall is 35 mins but that's by car, she said they'll make it by midnight hopefully..

    So, off they go and my daughter is wearing short, shorts and a top soooo low..don't you think you should change before putting a work application in? answer: Nope..

    I just let her go out the door and didn't say anything else, it actually felt good not to go on and on, does no good really, from all the good advice here I have stepped back! still so worried but don't say much anymore.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I might go so far as to tell her she can't remove food from the house at all, even for herself. If she wants to eat, she can eat it there. It's one thing if she wants to grab an apple or other snack to eat on the way out the door, it's another to be putting food into her backpack. That's nuts.

    Well, despite the work/walking plan being pretty unrealistic, I gotta give her points for creative problem solving! Hopefully she'll see the futility of it at some point and come to her senses. I can't help but wonder, though, if some of that story was an attempt to shock you/guilt you into giving in and letting her use the car. Good job ignoring it :)
  3. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    I know, she was expecting me to say take the car...she called and said they are a 1/2 mile from the mall at Walmart and her feet hurt, they also stopped by a tatoo parlor as they were doing free tatoos, think she was trying to rile me up with that one as I've always said if you get a tatoo it'd be a good idea to get it where it won't show, for employment reasons. She got a small Strawberry tatoo on her ankle and boyfriend got french fries on his arm. And, some guys were shouting to her and boyfriend told them what to do....there is something new everyday so I'm trying not to react too much.

    She is not coming home tonight, god only knows where they'll be, from what I can gather they are staying all over the place, I just said oh ok, call me tomorrow and bit my lip.
    I am off to watch Nancy Grace.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Good for you, soo not easy........ so where do they stay at night when she doesnt' come home??
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Wow. This guy sounds very similar to M. That is not a good thing.

    Banning food being taken from the house is a good idea. She can eat there. If she gets mad you can tell her he can stay at the homeless shelter and eat for free and have a roof over his head.......and many of them would also help him find work.

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    P.S. I had a standing rule with adult kids living at home. Curfew was midnight. If you stayed over somewhere else.......meant you had no need to live at home and were expected to move out immediately. Living at home as an adult is a privilege, not a right. And this rule was set so that I didn't have to worry about them coming in at all hours.....or being heaven knows where for how long and worrying.

    It may be a bit late for you to put such a rule into place........but I'd at least have her tell me where she'll be ect in case of emergency.

  7. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Mine has done that a few times taking food to feed various and asundry kids or his friends decide to have a BBQ and HE supplies the food (funny enough they always seemed to find money for refreshments, aka beer). Its irritating to have to stand guard over the fridge :(

    And free tatto's? I find that one hard to believe - you would be able to see the line of kids waiting from your house if that were tru. Getting those tat's alone was probably at least two hours out of their treck to the mall to put in job applications.

    Mine told me the other day that I have grown sooo sarcastic in my old age. Told him old had nothing to do with my sarcasm -it was finely honed in the act of raising him. LOL

    Hoping your girl comes to her senses soon :(

  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I would let her take leftovers if she didn't live with you - enough for herself only - but I wouldn't let her take things fromthe cupboard or freezer. My difficult child lives with her dad. He is a great cook and he is also inclined to overstock (big fan of Cotsco) but when she comes here for dinner, she will ask if she can take the leftovers. In her case, I think it's nostalgia. Dad is a great cook, but she still misses mom's cooking (I'm no slacker in that department either!). If she chooses to give her idiot boyfriend the leftovers, then there won't be any for her. It will get old soon enough.

    If she lives with you, there's no reason for food to be going out the door.

    I'm also with hound on the curfew thing and the spending the night elsewhere thing. This is exactly why my difficult child lives with her dad! I just wouldn't put up with it. If she wants to engage in adult activities - such as pj parties with her boyfriend, then she can have her own aparment. Unfortunately (or fortunately ...can 't decide which some days) DEX gives her a roof over her head, three squares a day .. all rent free .. and allows her to do as spe pleases.

    Set your boundaries for YOU.

  9. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    First I have to say- a tattoo of french fries. How classy! But I would agree- if she wants to eat she can eat there. With my daughter she would have taken enough for one and given it to her idiot boyfriend and not eat herself. She's insane. She also plays those games of telling me awful stories to get me to do things to help her, rather than outright ask. And they always include some important errand- enrolling in school (again), looking for a job, whatever. She just wants the car, money, help usually not for some higher purpose. Ugh! These "kids" (really adults, but not really mentally or emotionally) are overwhelming. I'm struggling lately too!
  10. compassion

    compassion Member

    I agree with Dash: set boundaries for YOU. I deal with this all the time. My difficult child lives with her boyfriend. I take her grcoery shopping weekly and set a clear boundary on food for her. Now I know she gives to him but I am clear what I can spend for her. It is life skill building:food for bfest, lunch and dinners first. I do not allow the expersive cofee,etc. I am very frugal with nonfood items too. What works is a set clear budget. She has gotten much better. She would throw tantrums a lot but it is much better now.
  11. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    Been food shopping today and we only bought what we need for the next few days, I know every single item that's in the freezer and cupboard, pathetic I know but it's what I have to do right now, my husband says.."Check her backpack every single time she leaves" don't think that's going to work:)

    I know they stayed a few nights with boyfriend's sister, who "used to do meth but is not now"

    As for the whole story of yesterday, don't think tatoo's come for free..and I don't think they were only 1/2 a mile from the mall, doesn't make any sense, before I would say that doesn't make any sense and she would go crazed, accusing me of not trusting her yelling "YOU ARE STARTING AN ARGUMENT, YOU THINK I AM LYING.." along with some profanity mixed in of course, has even accused me of going through early Menopause so I'm crazy and not thinking straight...so much yelling that I just can't take it, tell her how rude she is, on an on, in the past she has even followed me in to the garage to yell at me, I went in there to get away from her mouth, she will just not stop, goes back in the house then returns to yell again, slams things and the whole time I was crying and telling her to calm down.

    When I come to think of it, whenever in the past she could not have her own way she'd never let it go, for hours and I mean hours she'd follow me to yell, she'd go in her room and I would think she'd calmed down but she'd come back out to start it all over again, even when I went to bed she'd turn the light on and start screaming at me, husband would jump up and get her to calm down, next morning it's like nothing had happened, "You know I love you mom.." gives me a kiss and off to school. I'd be in a heap.

    We took her out of 9th grade because her grades fell so much and she wasn't happy, tried homeschooling for a year, that was fun and games and she learnt nothing, got her in to an Alternative high school which we thought was going ok, she had friends she'd do things with, went to the mall, had sleepovers and they'd be laughing etc but everything wasn't ok, grades fell again and she'd just walk off school property in the middle of the day, then she dropped out.

    Anyway, I'm rambling but I can see that even before she met this lovely boyfriend we were having problems, after a storm hit she'd be ok the next day. She won't go to therapy though, has accused me of thinking she's crazy, I'm not thinking that at all.

    Not heard from her today yet but we are going for a nice walk with our pup's, it is beautiful outside :)
    Last edited: May 7, 2011
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Food in the house is food for the household. It can be food to be taken to eat on a lunch hour at a job, but not to be taken because you don't want to eat at the house or to take to someone who isn't allowed in the house. That's stealing. It sounds as though she is projecting his bad behavior for him. Hopefully you can all agree to some limits that you're comfortable with, and she will learn about boundaries.
  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I love the way you handled the situation when she called and said they got free tattoos and her feet hurt from walking. Great job!
    I don't know what to say about her following you around screaming at you. I guess I would set some boundaries and let her know she can't speak to you like that in your own home and unless she can respect you and speak to you in a normal tone of voice, don't come home!!