Taking Star's advice!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by bigdmomof3, Sep 29, 2009.

  1. bigdmomof3

    bigdmomof3 Member

    Hi everyone! First I just want to thank those who wished me well on the "stress' thread.

    I never really meant to lay it all out on the line but yesterday was just a bad day.

    I visit the board everyday even though I really dont have difficult child issues anymore. I have belonged to the board since difficult child 1 was 14 and he is now 25.

    So for those of you who didnt read the other thread, I will attempt to give everyone an update.

    January of 2009 I became very sick and was hospitalized. Every 4 weeks I was having a recurrance of pain, fever etc. I was diagnosed with diverticulitis. Finally after my 2nd hospitalization in March it was decided that I needed to have bowel resection surgery but they had to get me well first. I had another flare in April. Finally May 12th I had surgery and 2 days later I was told I had stage 3 colon cancer. After recovering from surgery and a few more tests I started chemo in July. I go every other week for about 6-7 hours then come home still hooked up to a portable chemo pump for a total of about 55 hours of chemo. I am half way thru a 12 course treatment. My last treatment is scheduled for Dec 15th ending on the 17th. Chemo sucks but right now it is just a speed bump in life, slows me down a bit but doesnt stop me completely! Hopefully I will be able to return to work by February 1st!

    My marriage has been rocky for about the last 6yrs when he started suffering severe depression with the loss of his mother. We have been married 26yrs but I am filing for a divorce. He stopped paying all the bills knowing that I am only on disability and dont have the money to pick up where he left off. He never even called the hospital on the several occasions I have been there this year. He never asks me how I am or has even tried to support me through this. When he had his heart attack in 2007 I was at the hospital every single day. I was even the one who called 911 that day.

    Not wanting to end on a downer an update on my kids...lol Eric difficult child 1 25yrs old, has 2 difficult children of his own now! hehehe! Justin easy child 1 will be 21 in November. Graduated basic training at Ft Benning GA in August. He got married a week after his graduation. He and his wife are now stationed in Hawaii as he gets ready to deploy to Afghanistan. My baby Kerri difficult child/easy child 17yrs old. Senior in high school. Doing well.

    Thanks Star for encouraging me to come here for support. I guess I felt that with no more difficult child issues I didnt need support anymore. Boy was I wrong! The greatest thing is that even after all these years it is nice to know that you are still here and willing to listen.

    Big hugs and thanks to all of you.

  2. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Dee...isn't this such a great place?

    Sorry about the stress and crud but it seems like you're on the right road.

    by the way - be wary of Star's advice. ;) Actually, she's a sweetie.

  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Once a member of the board, always a member. :D

    I'm very sorry for your struggles. I bet you can't wait to be done with chemo.

    H (no dear in that one) - just wow. I want to kick him.

    We're here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. :D

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Dee, difficult child issues or not, you're always welcome here!! :)

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with cancer and chemo. That is a very rough road to travel, even without a husband who's turned into an a**. His loss, the idiot. By the time he realizes what a fool he's been.......you'll have rebuilt your life and won't give him a 2nd thought. So great to hear the kids are doing so well.

    Remember, we're always here. :)

  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Aw.....Dee ((((((Hugs)))))

    You know it's not just my advice - did you see how many people saw what you posted on the Daisyfaces get it out of your system post to you? There are a LOT of gals/folks here that care about you and always will. Like flutterby said - once a member always a member. The Love of this board for you and your kids doesn't stop JUST because they grow up or you stop posting. People still check in and I'm so glad for that.

    I wondered about your progression with the chemo. (breathe) SO six weeks into the treatment huh? Okay - that's like you said 1/2 way there. Our Golden Guru is starting that as well. She had breast cancer. It's just seeing the caring and hugs, prayers, concern & love that gets poured out into words for people here that amazes me all the time. Some days when Dude was at his worst I swear without the support I got here? I would have never made it as well as I did. A kind word - a post just saying - HEY let us know how you are. A random - where are you post. OR just a PM now and then from someone. It means a lot when you are having a really bad day or just a bad day or just a day. Know what I mean?? I bet you do. ;)

    And with a divorce after 26 years? Yeah - well.....that's got to be tough enough. I mean who ever gets married to run screaming down the aisle saying I want a divorce xx years later? There's a lot of emotional mess that has happened to you and hurt - and it's a form of abuse that I hope you address with a counselor asap. I mean it's not physical like getting hit or anything - but it HURTS and it hurts really bad. I know - same thing happened to me. He went in the hospital? The entire family showed up. I went in? I had to call a cab or walk home. The day I brought our son home? Yuup. All on our own. He was off smokin' dope. My Mother brought us home. - THe serpentine belt broke, it was 110 - the radiator over heated...nice huh? So been there done that - and when I say get some counseling from a Domestic violence counselor - I don't mean seek a therapist that deals with battery - I mean get someone who understands what it's like to be IGNORED....and abused in that sense of the word. I'm not telling you to divorce. I'm telling you take time FOR DEE. FINALLY. Raises 3 kids - battles cancer - takes care of everyone----TIME FOR YOU. NOW.

    So where do you go for such things? WEll - there's a lot of domestic violence shelters - and don't you NO NO NO me...yeah - whatever...the counseling there is FREE - AND AND......(are you listening to me or did you tune me out at the words domestic and violence because your brain went - but he was not violent?) see - he was not violent - BUT what I'm saying is the counselors at these places are FREE (and you have less than no money) and they deal MORE with womens abuse issues (of which you suffer - abuse -hello yes it is abuse ignoring, not taking care of you) so yeah - I'd say go there and ask for the free help and counselors that have access to the better kind of womens counseling that will fast track you to better mental health - AND get you in a group situation eventually with other women that will and can benefit from YOUR story - (see you didn't think this was YOU helping THEM did you?) yeah - well it is.

    Everyone you meet and everyone who meets you learns something....from each other. So before you let the "stigma" of the words domestic violence freak you out or scare you off - give it a whirl....and don't think that you don't "qualify" for the services because someone hasn't beaten you into a bloody pulp physically because darlin - he has - mentally. (passes tissue) I'm sorry. He may not be a heal or maybe he's a real jerk - or it's just that he had unresolved issues with his Mom and when she passed he just can't get over them - BUT that is NO reason to forget YOU. You should be the love of his life. You should have been treated like a Princess, and at the very least had your bills paid, and been treated with equal respect and if you weren't going to get that? It shouldn't have drug out for 5-6 years where YOU had the decision made for you to go live WHERE? Where ever you could? That's abuse. Like I said - You have no money - so no need to rush out and pay for the divorce - and FYI -a lot of domestic violence shelters will HELP with attorneys fees....(sounding better all the time now isn't it?) - oh now I'm a genius...thanks. I don't know for sure - but worth a visit huh?

    You're also going to need transportation - Medicaid has a number you can call for transportation to and from doctors appointments - most cities. ;) - IF you get food stamps - YOu can check into this thing called ANGEL FOOD MINISTRIES....Daisy puts up a link all the time -or PM her. There are tons of local charities that may be ablel to help with clothes for interviews or job - and you should be able to check into WOrk Keys - for a better paying job and WIA --workforce Incentive act or in some places it's WOrkforce Reinvestment Act. For free college at tech.

    THIS IS YOU TIME GIRL......USE YOUR TIME - FOR YOU.......MAKE A LIST - SET SOME GOALS EACH WEEK no matter how lame they seem. Even if it's something simple like wash the front door glass then cross it off when it's done. It will make you feel good - promise.

    If you need to do this too - it helps - again - sounds lame - but since you are on your own - get a package of post it notes - write down with a heavy marker things like -


    Post them where YOU will see them. These are called words of positive words of affirmation. You can add to them as you continue your counseling....and really feel like it but for NOW - JUST DO IT FOR who?
    YOURSELF!!!!!! (i don't care if you don't feel pretty or nice or good) just do it - and paste them in the car or on the mirror....and leave them there..until you do belive them.

    Oh and when you are barfin from chemo? you may not feel so pretty - but you can look at a different one that day..;)

    NOW GET OUT THERE AND MAKE THIS A DEE DAY.......not a -D day....


    IN WITH THE GOOD AIR - (inhale) ........you didn't inhale....I'm waiting...ok.

    OUT WITH THE BAD AIR - (exhale) .......VERY GOOD....(repeat)




    Hugs & Love
    Starbie - the motivational Barbie -
    She comes with a microphone headset, nice smile, and warrior friend raised eyebrow!!:tongue:
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome back Dee!!!

    You sure have had a full plate, haven't you? I am sorry you are having to deal with all the health issues and with a husband who totally ignores you.

    Star is right about DV help. He really is abusing you. You are right to get out.

    We will be here for you all the time, any time. Once a member, always a member. We don't let go of ANYONE!!!

    Sending a basket FULL of hugs and support.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    oh dee, im on a laptop so forgive the damn typing...lol. Im sitting in my car in a parking lot at a holiday inn stealing wifi! so typig is a bit difficult at best but i had to respond to you!

    How long have we been talking about S being an abusive jerk? This is the last straw. I hope he rots in hell for what he has done to you. are you moving out? Leave him with that pace and just find something else. eventually the courts will make him give you your share anyway. is yourjob going to be waiting for you? I hope so...it was perfect fo you, especially now with the health problems.

    Im glad Justin is doing well. Is eric talking to you yet? I cant believe little Keri is all grown up!
  8. bigdmomof3

    bigdmomof3 Member

    Thank you all for your hugs and blessings. They are much needed and appreciated!

    Got some scary medical news yesterday. Not sure if I need to panic yet but will know more on Tuesday. Will keep you all updated.

    Thanks again
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    ALL medical news anymore is scary. :sick: SENDING prayers and the power of the board......