Taking your advice, thank you

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by wantmysonback, Jun 30, 2012.

  1. wantmysonback

    wantmysonback New Member

    I am so thankful that I found this forum. Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story and to post. You have encouraged me, renewed my resolve and my strength.

    Since I last posted husband and I talked with our difficult child and it went very well. No escalation in the conversation just us expressing our concern again for his future and the fact that he is teetering on jeopardizing it with the choices he has been making. We were encouraged but fearful to hope because he is a very agreeable child, always has been, and we have had these positive conversations before and they meant nothing in the end. We just pray he will make positive progress this time. He did agree to come with us to family counseling and have individual counseling before he returns to school. School is the one thing he is doing right and we can't take it away. He will go back in August. He will also continue the counseling back at school with a therapist he has met with in the past. He has not argued about us taking the car and only allowing him to use it for work since he came home high a few days ago. He already sees a psychiatrist for his ADD medications. He has signed a release so we are allowed to consult with her even though he is over 18.

    This was a couple days ago and we were very encouraged with the conversation but as usual things haven't changed as you will find out as you read on.

    As one of you suggested I did some snooping around to try to determine if it is more than mj now. I found nothing, no evidence of anything until I moved the car he uses yesterday morning. It smelled awful (post mj smell) so I started searching it. I found MJ in a unmarked pill bottle and a glass pipe in the glove box. I was very confused because he came home from work the night before right after his shift sober. Sadly, I wasn't that upset because I new he was using something. I was really relieved that it was all I found. I flushed the mj and had a nice "stress relief" session in the garage smashing the pipe with a hammer. It looked like sand when I was done. I went to work, prayed all day about how to handle it and decided that being the drug police has never worked so I wasn't going to say anything to him just let him wonder.

    When I came home when I got off at 1:00 he was there. We ate lunch together. About an hour later he looked up at me and said, "I know you found my stuff. There was a "stem" floating in the toilet." He said he had his "stuff" buried in the woods across the street and just used the car as a place to smoke it after we went to bed. This led to a long afternoon conversation where he confessed and confided in me. Just words? I want to believe that mj is it because during our conversation he was honest about so many things I want to believe he would have told me. He said he was really upset with his friend and the meth. I did tell him our biggest concern is that because of his ADD he is impulsive and it wouldn't take much for someone to talk him into the more serious stuff if they hadn't already. He acted like he agreed but does he really?

    We have a good friend who is a recovered heroine addict, alcoholic etc. He works with young adults. He basically hangs out with them shares his story and tries to help them overcome issues they are having. He won't contact them, they have to come to him on their own when they truly want help. We asked difficult child if he would contact him about a year ago and he wouldn't. Then this May our friend shared his testimony in church. None of us had ever heard his full recovery story. It was amazing. difficult child was there with us. Yesterday, during our talk difficult child said I will go into counseling but I'd like to call J too if that's OK. I got the number and he called him right then and they are getting together in the next few days.

    As I write this tears are flowing. We are so hopeful but we have been hopeful in the past. There are no FA meetings in our area. We are going to try to find another group. My husband is very good at detaching but I'm not. I do believe that we are doing all we can. I need support if this becomes another disappointing end.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am so glad that difficult child is willing to get help. That alone is a HUGE step. Now, if you can continue to support him in all this he'll have better success. Don't let your guard down but this is hopeful news.
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    You are doing all the right things. Stay strong.

    A year ago I thought detaching was something I could never do. I thought it was completely unnatural and I felt that our situation with our son would come to some sort of head.

    Little by little, I have backed away. I have learned to live with him not being an active part of our family. I have learned to stop anticipating a crisis. It may never come. I ache - but it is not as acute as it was - it's there but not so sharp. I've started to accept that we are a family of 4.

    Baby steps...

  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I can just feel the heartbreak, hope and worry in your post. We're all here for you.

    I think your son may be on the right track...he is taking the first step and seeking help. Thank God he has that opportunity laid out for him...let's hope he makes the most of it. By the way, husbands are usually better at detaching - nothing unusual there! Take things one day at a time, and it's good you're going to family counseling. Good luck, and keep posting.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Yes you are doing all the right things. I think the key is to continue to be hopeful when there is hope, but be cautious because we all know they can fool us plenty.

    So I see there is some really hopeful things....he had an honest conversation with you (he might not have told you everything BUT he told you a lot and was calm in the process), he wants to speak to this guy, and he is willing to go to counselling. All of that is really good and many steps in the right direction.

    I see both recovery and detachment as a process, neither happen overnight. So your son is taking some good steps towards recovery, and he may take some backward steps.... but even if he does those forward steps were still taken.

    As far as detachment.... the main thing as I see it is getting clear about your boundaries, to set appropriate boundaries and to not let yourself be taken advantage of, AND to find ways to live your life. In a sense it is what we do naturally with our easy child kids... we let them go and fly free. I do not believe detachment means to stop loving or caring about our kids... to me that is not either natural or realisitic or good for anyone.


    I believe both recovery and detachment are a process, they do not happen over night.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are doing great. Everyone has given you excellent advice. I'm glad your son opened up about things and is willing to see the counselor and your friend from church. Not to be negative but keep in mind that there may be more you don't know. When we had those talks with our difficult child we swore she was being honest and so many times we were fooled. It just helps to realize that often things get worse beforre they get better.

    But I am encouraged that he is willing and open to help and that he approached you by telling you he knows you found his "stuff". Stay strong and let us know how things progress.