Talked to husband last night. Ideas? Thoughts? Am I expecting too much?
- Thread starter Shari
- Start date
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
And then I lose it when i see this....
husband doesn't like to use anything but the newer, fuzzy, big towels. And he'll grab it from the middle of the stack and yank it out, without a care what happens to the rest. If they fall out of the cabinet, he shoves them back in. So I go this morning to put some towels in the cabinet before I take my shower and what happens? I open the door and what doesn't fall out looks like someone dumped a laundry basket in the cabinet.
So I just crammed my towels in there, too.
He wont DOOOOO any &^%%$$#@ work, but he's ^%$$#@@$% good at creating more for me.
But that's not being disrespectful.
And this is how I end up losing my cool over towels.
I am, for all intents and purposes, single.
husband doesn't like to use anything but the newer, fuzzy, big towels. And he'll grab it from the middle of the stack and yank it out, without a care what happens to the rest. If they fall out of the cabinet, he shoves them back in. So I go this morning to put some towels in the cabinet before I take my shower and what happens? I open the door and what doesn't fall out looks like someone dumped a laundry basket in the cabinet.
So I just crammed my towels in there, too.
He wont DOOOOO any &^%%$$#@ work, but he's ^%$$#@@$% good at creating more for me.
But that's not being disrespectful.
And this is how I end up losing my cool over towels.
I am, for all intents and purposes, single.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
I have a seemingly unrelated question for you... I know he's pretty much been trained to be like this by the brooms, but... Is there any possibility at all that he has ADHD?
It just hit me. Many of the things your husband does, and doesn't think about - mine does, too. I think the difference is that my husband does step up in other ways. And when I asked him to be evaluated for ADHD, he set up an appointment (though, thanks to the VA, it took forever). We're still not sure, because they've rescheduled his appointment again. However, it seems to me that he's been trying. (And yes, he watches a LOT of TV. While he's watching YouTube. Makes me crazy.) He simply does not notice that things need to be done.
Not that it is an excuse - but if it happens to be a fact, medication and/or CBT could help. (Or not.)
everywoman
Well-Known Member
I've seen an awful lot of scenarios about why your husband is the way he is; I've seen lots of suggestions for changing him; I don't think any of those things are important. The question is: Are you willing to continue on this way? You have no ability to change another person. You only have the ability to change yourself. 23 years of marriage taught me one thing: I am responsible for myself and I am responsible for my feelings. If I don't like the way someone is behaving or treating me I have two choices: either accept it or change the way I am behaving. I tried begging, pleading, crying, yelling, ignoring, overlooking, pretending to not care, and in my life nothing changed. husband still didn't fix what needed to be fixed. His solution to every problem: the grass being cut, plumbing being fixed, the pool being cleaned, etc... was to throw money (usually mine) at the problem. When I changed what I was and was not willing to accept; when I begin to work on me; then I was able to move beyond the resentment and find peace...now, for me it meant leaving the marriage, and I'm not advocating that as a choice, but I am saying you need to work on YOU! You won't change husband. And you won't talk him into changing himself. That choice has to come from somewhere within himself.
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
I believe he is ADHD. How else can you be 45 years old and still do some of these things??? lol
He still has to see that there's a broken before anything or anyone cal solve any of it.
I'm not sure he'd even be able to notice things that need to be done. Problem is, I can say here's what needs to be done, he can totally agree, and still not do it, even when I ask. Used to be he'd do it if I asked. Now? Best I get is "I'll get it after this show" (which means after this show, and the next one, and the next one, and he might do it at midnight....)
He still has to see that there's a broken before anything or anyone cal solve any of it.
I'm not sure he'd even be able to notice things that need to be done. Problem is, I can say here's what needs to be done, he can totally agree, and still not do it, even when I ask. Used to be he'd do it if I asked. Now? Best I get is "I'll get it after this show" (which means after this show, and the next one, and the next one, and he might do it at midnight....)
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
EW, bingo, and that's where I'm at, and that's what I told him in the last conversation...I am not willing to continue on like this, so either he steps up, or I start making things work for me, and frankly, since I'm carrying 95% of the load, I'll make 95% of those decisions on my own. I am not capable of continuing as I have, nor do I want to.
I can see where husband has learned some of this behavior, and if he wants to work on it, I'm willing to work with him. If he's not....my mind is already made up. He does not contribute more than he costs to this home financially, so that's not even as issue. And as far as me personally, its to the point that he's almost a liability to me...he creates more work for me than the "reward" I get out of the relationship. If that makes sense.
I can see where husband has learned some of this behavior, and if he wants to work on it, I'm willing to work with him. If he's not....my mind is already made up. He does not contribute more than he costs to this home financially, so that's not even as issue. And as far as me personally, its to the point that he's almost a liability to me...he creates more work for me than the "reward" I get out of the relationship. If that makes sense.
timer lady
Queen of Hearts
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/marriage-sex/marriage-advice
I read this article with great interest at a doctor's office. The time traveling thing was the most powerful statement to me.
I read this article with great interest at a doctor's office. The time traveling thing was the most powerful statement to me.
everywoman
Well-Known Member
Makes perfect sense to me. I got to the point where I was looking at retirement, and the thought of having to "carry" husband like I had been, teaching and working other side jobs, just didn't appeal to me anymore. I talked to him the other day---he asked how I was. I responded working all the time. He said me too. Apparently he's become a "secret" shopper and had gone to dinner at the beach and made $35 dollars. I just shook my head. I had just put in two hours after school teaching chemistry and algebra II-- He doesn't get it---never did---never will.
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
It's a great article, Linda, but what do I need to do different? I don't want a divorce, but I am not physically capable any more of doing what I've done. I'm not asking for better homes and gardens photo op house, I'm talking about not leaving fish guts in the sink for 2 weeks. While I've thought it, I've never before said a word about leaving.
I love my husband but I can not afford a new car every year because he does not care for them and I need to know I have a roof over my head. He didn't want to pay to fix the roof cause he wanted to send his mule to the trainer.
I (hopefully we) have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow.I haven't and won't address anything more until then.
My question sounded a little crass, but really, what do I do?
I love my husband but I can not afford a new car every year because he does not care for them and I need to know I have a roof over my head. He didn't want to pay to fix the roof cause he wanted to send his mule to the trainer.
I (hopefully we) have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow.I haven't and won't address anything more until then.
My question sounded a little crass, but really, what do I do?
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
It's a great article, Linda, but what do I need to do different? I don't want a divorce, but I am not physically capable any more of doing what I've done. I'm not asking for better homes and gardens photo op house, I'm talking about not leaving fish guts in the sink for 2 weeks. While I've thought it, I've never before said a word about leaving.
I love my husband but I can not afford a new car every year because he does not care for them and I need to know I have a roof over my head. He didn't want to pay to fix the roof cause he wanted to send his mule to the trainer.
I (hopefully we) have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow.I haven't and won't address anything more until then.
My question sounded a little crass, but really, what do I do?
I love my husband but I can not afford a new car every year because he does not care for them and I need to know I have a roof over my head. He didn't want to pay to fix the roof cause he wanted to send his mule to the trainer.
I (hopefully we) have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow.I haven't and won't address anything more until then.
My question sounded a little crass, but really, what do I do?
hey wow i'm sooo late to this. shari we both know i'm soo not the woman to be handing out marriage advice LOL. i'm the "bad" guy to some extent in my own scenario yet one thing stood out and i didnt' read all the responses.
would you say your talk with him last night was different? the fact that he admitted with your prompting that most of what your saying is true? would you say in some very small way that was different?? the talk I mean, he's admitting it??
if it is, than why cant' you take that as a plus, a really small plus for now. let it rest and let it sit in his mind for now what you said, things you do, your aggrivation. why not suggest just going out one night this weekend just the two of you? no kids, horses, ponies whatever lol just the two of you??
i'm learning slowly from therapy and everyone here that you really cant' change someone, you can only focus on yourself. your own boundaries. you i think need to firming find them, place them in your mind what you will and wont' tolerate.
also in your mind say what are the bare necessities i need to do besides my work, job that is?? bare necessities i mean. than list those in your mind and do just those. stop doing so much. the kids, husband it seems won't pitch in because why should they literally shari you do a whole lot, yes your mad yet your still doing it it seems. stop. if the house is a mess than so be it, if the towels are a wreck than let them be a wreck. get the point?
it's a really hard thing to do especially for you i think because you like to accomplish things, your a doer and also you like things a certain way. i don't blame you.
i dont' think your wrong in any of it. yet it's like the definition of insanity i found myself in, repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting a different result sort of thing.
just stop doing. seriously. draw those boundaries. stop talking to him and trying to get what he isnt' willing to give right now. let everything fall apart, besides your job and bare necessities. maybe somehow someway the point will come across in your actions. they are louder than words.
does that make any sense? when i went to portland let me just say the place here was absolutely trashed, dirty had to hire a cleaning team to come in prior to my return. certain things although my carppy family is out of wack they did respect once i returned. clean floors, animals being taken care of, clear cut schedules, food in the fridge, stability.
marriage soo isnt' easy. sometimes i do think expecting one man and one woman to stay together a lifetime in a monogamous relationship and not kill one another with all lifes ups and downs is just insane LOL
i'm sorry your so stressed. stress just can eat you alive. i hope you do something good for you today
would you say your talk with him last night was different? the fact that he admitted with your prompting that most of what your saying is true? would you say in some very small way that was different?? the talk I mean, he's admitting it??
if it is, than why cant' you take that as a plus, a really small plus for now. let it rest and let it sit in his mind for now what you said, things you do, your aggrivation. why not suggest just going out one night this weekend just the two of you? no kids, horses, ponies whatever lol just the two of you??
i'm learning slowly from therapy and everyone here that you really cant' change someone, you can only focus on yourself. your own boundaries. you i think need to firming find them, place them in your mind what you will and wont' tolerate.
also in your mind say what are the bare necessities i need to do besides my work, job that is?? bare necessities i mean. than list those in your mind and do just those. stop doing so much. the kids, husband it seems won't pitch in because why should they literally shari you do a whole lot, yes your mad yet your still doing it it seems. stop. if the house is a mess than so be it, if the towels are a wreck than let them be a wreck. get the point?
it's a really hard thing to do especially for you i think because you like to accomplish things, your a doer and also you like things a certain way. i don't blame you.
i dont' think your wrong in any of it. yet it's like the definition of insanity i found myself in, repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting a different result sort of thing.
just stop doing. seriously. draw those boundaries. stop talking to him and trying to get what he isnt' willing to give right now. let everything fall apart, besides your job and bare necessities. maybe somehow someway the point will come across in your actions. they are louder than words.
does that make any sense? when i went to portland let me just say the place here was absolutely trashed, dirty had to hire a cleaning team to come in prior to my return. certain things although my carppy family is out of wack they did respect once i returned. clean floors, animals being taken care of, clear cut schedules, food in the fridge, stability.
marriage soo isnt' easy. sometimes i do think expecting one man and one woman to stay together a lifetime in a monogamous relationship and not kill one another with all lifes ups and downs is just insane LOL
i'm sorry your so stressed. stress just can eat you alive. i hope you do something good for you today
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
Shari... We cannot tell you what to do... because we are not living your life.
You're right that you can't keep it up. And I can see exactly what you mean - the fish guts in the sink alone would send me over the edge - but the question isn't really "what do I do?" Because it seems like you know what you need to do. The question then becomes, "How do I...?"
We can help with the how. When you've decided what (and forgive me if I am wrong, but I feel you have decided)... Then you must take steps toward that end. And with everything you've done for Wee, I would bet that you'll surprise yourself when you realize you already know most of the how.
hon. These situations are NEVER, EVER easy.
You're right that you can't keep it up. And I can see exactly what you mean - the fish guts in the sink alone would send me over the edge - but the question isn't really "what do I do?" Because it seems like you know what you need to do. The question then becomes, "How do I...?"
We can help with the how. When you've decided what (and forgive me if I am wrong, but I feel you have decided)... Then you must take steps toward that end. And with everything you've done for Wee, I would bet that you'll surprise yourself when you realize you already know most of the how.
hon. These situations are NEVER, EVER easy.
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
Jen, I have. I have stopped doing in the past and it got me NO WHERE, and this is where I need to post the pics of his childhood home. What he will tolerate for living conditions would get kids taken away if DFS is called. I've been in his parents' home and found maggots on the counter. I'm sorry, I can ignore a lot...I can't ignore to that end.
I have stopped working on his vehicle, and I will not purchase another one for him, nor will he drive mine if he blows this one up. And the talk was not any different. Not in the least. I can not change him, but I also really feel he doesn't want me to leave, so I feel I have a tiny amounf of currency left with him - I just don't want to waste it by doing things wrong or ineffective, etc. I look to myself to change in any given situation almost to a fault...I'm a problem solver...what can I do to fix this. And that's what's gotten me to were I am.
Step, the what do I do, I'm not asking in general...I guess I'm asking with regard's to Linda's article, because I think I'm doiing all that (and yes....my mind is made up...he either gets it, or there likely wont be an us anymore. If I start selling off the camper and the horses, he won't stay around. And I'll either do that, or I'll just tell him to go. Haven't decided that yet. Am I willing to give up the things I love to do for a man that will be quite content in front of the boob tube...my answer right now is no..I think that would be kinda shooting myself in the foot.). I praise him just like I do the kids, I will stop myself mid-sentence and rephrase things during arguments to follow the "fight fair" rules, I don't like shopping because of the "mind wandering" thing...I'm content with what I have if I don't go looking at what's available. What am I missing in that article? I guess that's what I was asking.
I have stopped working on his vehicle, and I will not purchase another one for him, nor will he drive mine if he blows this one up. And the talk was not any different. Not in the least. I can not change him, but I also really feel he doesn't want me to leave, so I feel I have a tiny amounf of currency left with him - I just don't want to waste it by doing things wrong or ineffective, etc. I look to myself to change in any given situation almost to a fault...I'm a problem solver...what can I do to fix this. And that's what's gotten me to were I am.
Step, the what do I do, I'm not asking in general...I guess I'm asking with regard's to Linda's article, because I think I'm doiing all that (and yes....my mind is made up...he either gets it, or there likely wont be an us anymore. If I start selling off the camper and the horses, he won't stay around. And I'll either do that, or I'll just tell him to go. Haven't decided that yet. Am I willing to give up the things I love to do for a man that will be quite content in front of the boob tube...my answer right now is no..I think that would be kinda shooting myself in the foot.). I praise him just like I do the kids, I will stop myself mid-sentence and rephrase things during arguments to follow the "fight fair" rules, I don't like shopping because of the "mind wandering" thing...I'm content with what I have if I don't go looking at what's available. What am I missing in that article? I guess that's what I was asking.
i gotta go read the article. ok i see your point your putting the work in, tried various approaches and you aren't getting anything done. and yea i get your a problem solver and you want things to run smoothly or at least partially yet you literaly can't keep doing it on your own. i also feel you have some "currency" left with him as well. if he was like listen shari go ........ whatever last night than it's clearly stated you know what you gotta do. yet he isn't doing that. i dont' get it either.
i'm guessing marriage counseling is out, right? would he even do that?? you need a mediator it does help somewhat, also he's gotta hear this from someone else everything your saying........ see it thru their eyes and perceptions...... he sounds depressed too, is he could he be? with all the tv and sitting time thing
i'm guessing marriage counseling is out, right? would he even do that?? you need a mediator it does help somewhat, also he's gotta hear this from someone else everything your saying........ see it thru their eyes and perceptions...... he sounds depressed too, is he could he be? with all the tv and sitting time thing
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
Ahhh. Misunderstood the direction you were taking there.
Yes, you ARE a "fixer". Just like me. And when we say yes too much, put too much on our plates, and then finally ask for help - we expect it to be given 'cause that is how WE are.
I had to stop myself the other night when husband was cooking... I started to tell him how to do something... And I realized... Nope. He's doing it, if he needs help he'll ask. My husband and yours are not the same, though. Some similarities, but different.
Problem: You are o-ver-whelmed. Too much to do. Not enough Shari. So you subconsciously expect the slack to be picked up. And that's just not how your husband sees it. In fact, he doesn't see it - at all. Temporary solution? Stop doing for him. Do your stuff, and Wee's. Your level of overwhelmed will drop, then stabilize into doable. Warning: this is VERY.HARD.TO.DO. I know, first hand. And it's still hard.
You can't fix him. And you've stopped with the cars... Expand that out.
Yes, you ARE a "fixer". Just like me. And when we say yes too much, put too much on our plates, and then finally ask for help - we expect it to be given 'cause that is how WE are.
I had to stop myself the other night when husband was cooking... I started to tell him how to do something... And I realized... Nope. He's doing it, if he needs help he'll ask. My husband and yours are not the same, though. Some similarities, but different.
Problem: You are o-ver-whelmed. Too much to do. Not enough Shari. So you subconsciously expect the slack to be picked up. And that's just not how your husband sees it. In fact, he doesn't see it - at all. Temporary solution? Stop doing for him. Do your stuff, and Wee's. Your level of overwhelmed will drop, then stabilize into doable. Warning: this is VERY.HARD.TO.DO. I know, first hand. And it's still hard.
You can't fix him. And you've stopped with the cars... Expand that out.
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
That's where I'm confused with it all. He whole-heartedly agrees its not a fair or realistic expectation, yet does nothing to address it. With my ex, he was patronizing when he said he agreed with whatever my problem was. I'm not getting that with husband. For whatever reason, I believe he truly does agree with me, which leaves me 10 times more confused as to why he just lets it keep happening.
I/we have an appointment tomorrow with a counselor. I haven't told him because his family is adamantly against getting outside help, and I know if he has a chance to talk to them he won't go, so I'll tell him tonight when we're in for the night. He'll either go or he won't. My guess is won't, but he might surprise me.
I/we have an appointment tomorrow with a counselor. I haven't told him because his family is adamantly against getting outside help, and I know if he has a chance to talk to them he won't go, so I'll tell him tonight when we're in for the night. He'll either go or he won't. My guess is won't, but he might surprise me.
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
That's where I can't, Step. As I posted, I've seen maggots on his mom's counter, and my kitchen would be the same way. I can't stop doing those things to that level in my own home. Unless I'm ok with living with maggots, which I'm not. I don't wash his laundry anymore, or fold it, or put it away. I can no longer get to my sewing machine, that is his new "home" for his clothes. I don't have a kitchen table anymore, it is home to a meat grinder, a 13" tube tv, a cooler, 2 or 3 thermoses, a couple of those giant travel mug things, a photo album...i don't recall what else...but stuff he "put away" there while I was down. I haven't touched it. Most people are not ok living like that, but I really think he's just fine with it, and I have stopped doing enough to realize that aint gonna work unless I'm willing to risk DFS involvement, and I'm not. Hell, the sewer leaked for a year and it never so much as crossed his mind to fix it. He'd gripe about mowing the **** but that was it.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
EWWWWWWWWWWW!
You know what came to mind? The Jell-O stuff she made for you a few months back. Was it crunchy? UGHHHHH!
Sewing machine? Dump his stuff off it onto the floor. YOUR SEWING MACHINE. Table? Same.
There is a difference between clean-but-messy and staph-infection-producing...
No, I wouldn't live like that either. Ugh.
You know what came to mind? The Jell-O stuff she made for you a few months back. Was it crunchy? UGHHHHH!
Sewing machine? Dump his stuff off it onto the floor. YOUR SEWING MACHINE. Table? Same.
There is a difference between clean-but-messy and staph-infection-producing...
No, I wouldn't live like that either. Ugh.
