Talked to husband last night. Ideas? Thoughts? Am I expecting too much?

[DaisyFace]

Shari--

Just a thought....

My family (me included) used to be a lot more "lax" about housework. Not maggots in the kitchen lax - but not cleaning up the dishes after eating, stuff like that.

Finally, I had enough. The family took a few tours of historic buildings in the area....and when we got home I sat the kids down and had a talk with them. (Yes, I started with the children.) I asked them if they noticed what was different about those houses verses our house. Well - it was HUGE. It looked fancy....and....well....CLEAN! I told them that from now on - we are going to treat our own house like one of those fancy places - like a castle.

And that became the command "OK kids, time to castle the house!" No television until we had cleaned up after our meal. No playing until things were neat and tidy.

I got the children on board first.

THEN I worked on husband.

At first, he was aggravated that I was making such a big deal about cleaning....

but it's hard to act like a jerk when the kids are saying "Daddy - no tv until we're done castle-ing!"

So these days, we do try to clean things up as a team....more or less.

I wonder if something like that would work in your house?

 

[Shari]

Step, what I expecting my husband? Is to be there when I need him. This accident opened my eyes to that.

Df the kids will and do help. And he'll sit in the chair. Now last fall,nat the pony rides, someone told someone else it was sad his daughter would work like that and he did nothing but sit and he overheard that and got up. But just the kids doing...kids don't tell him what to do.

 

[AnnieO]

Step, what I expecting my husband? Is to be there when I need him.

Exactly. And this is where our husband's part company. Because he promised to love and cherish you - part of that is helping out and being there for you - IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, right? Good times and bad? It's a promise he's not living up to...

 

[Shari]

Exactly. I cut my foot off, dangit. I expect him to at least do for himself until my foot is securely reattached to my body without stitches and staples.

 

[flutterby]

Shari, I haven't responded because...well...you have the patience of a saint and I don't.

I don't know how to say this without being blunt, but please understand that I am not being critical or judgmental. It really doesn't matter how husband was raised. When you have talked to him until you are blue in the face like you have, and he still doesn't make but a token attempt that doesn't even last longer than a day? That is a complete lack of respect. And, honestly, if he was going to change he would have done it by now. You have bent over backwards and twisted yourself inside out, and all he can manage is to put clothes in the wash one day - and then not even finish it.

Personally, I want to come kick him in the shins.

Please don't shoot yourself in the foot. You just got it fixed!

 

[susiestar]

I SOOOOOO agree with flutterby. Except the shins are NOT where I want to hurt him and kicking isn't what I had in mind. I am neither as patient as Shari or as nice as Flutterby. I can promise that fish guts in the sink/on the counter for several days would end up fish guts in his underwear/clothing/boots AND in his car and possibly on the exhaust manifold of his car/truck. Maybe not as effective as limburger on the exhaust manifold, but it would get the message across. And the knife on the counter? would end up stabbing his tv right in the screen. AFTER I cleared all the $$ out of any account he could access to replace it. Well, maybe it would be in his chair, pretty much where his most prized bits would be if he was sitting there.

but I learned from the woman who placed very long strips of duct tape on her teenage son's hairy bare legs - alllll the way up his legs - when he kept passing out nekkid in the family room while watching cinemax late at night. The same woman who painted his toenails a shimmery oyster color of nail polish, locked all the polish remover in the gun safe, and told his most gossipy friend about it when he passed out drunk in his room and refused to get up to do something she paid a bunch of $$ for him to get to do. She even paid his friend to tell everyone but keep them from letting him know for a week. It actually took a WEEK before the shimmery color caught his eye as he took some over-garlicked bread out of the oven after it burned. He ranted and raved about the cruelty of it all. She told him he could have nail polish remover as soon as he repaid the large amt of $$ he had wasted by not going to whatever it was.

Yes, my mother can be not only mean but devious if you rile her up. Even my dad doesn't push her too far. He used to be the "stop when the tank is empty and not a mile sooner" kind of guy until the trip where when it was her turn to drive she got him the largest soda the gas place had (big gulps were 32 oz and had just come out) and then when he demanded a bathroom break she just kept driving until his eyeballs turned yellow. After that it was "we will stop as soon as anyone needs to - just let us know and we will stop at the very next opportunity".

 

[Shari]

Flutter, the only reason the why's matter to me is because I just sense he's not doing it to be ugly. For whatever reason, and I could be wrong about that too. But if it's something he just needs to learn, then I may be able to be a bit more patient than I will be if it's just him being an butt.

 

[flutterby]

I get why the why's matter. (ha! why the why's ) Understanding why is human nature, especially when he seems to be in agreement with you.

 

[flutterby]

I guess my next question would be, though, what happens when you find out why? Is he willing to work with you to make changes?

I was thinking about this last night as I was trying to go to sleep - and failing - and remembered difficult child's former therapist talking about a couple she had seen who were having issues, and therapist was convinced the husband was NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD). (She was talking about this because difficult child had just gotten that diagnosis and we were discussing how it effects relationships and such.) My thought with that, and with the other "why's" is, does it matter? Because you can find out the why, but if he's ok with the way things are (which he seems to be) then it's not going to change anything.

I think for you it is important to understand why so you can know that you have done everything you possibly could. I understand that. But I do think he has been showing over the years how much he is willing to give.

 

[Shari]

You got it exactly heather. If there's a reason and he is willing to recognize and fix it, that's one thing. If not, that's another. Just like difficult children, at some point why doesn't matter and they have to learn to deal'in society.

 

[KTMom91]

It's that willingness to recognize and fix it, though, that I don't think he has (in my opinion). Miss KT's father would never admit he had a problem with anything; his P/A nonsense just drove me nuts, and then when he DID do something, he wanted applause for it. Or he'd turn it around and be a martyr..."I never can do anything right for you, so I'll just stop trying."

 

[Shari]

I'm concerned about that too mary. It's not like he doesn't know where I stand...and so far hasn't made much of an attempt at changing. Tomorrow will be interesting.

 

[Shari]

Wee just called crying. He is homE with husband and easy child 1. easy child 1 is digging up the pipe. Wee wants to go to the park and husband told him the reason he would not take him is because there is nothing at the park for husband to do.

And he'd like to have another kid. (i has told him I will not because he doesn't do with the ones
We have.)
Not that wee has to go to the park, but what a reason.

 

[flutterby]

Can I kick him in the shins *now*?

 

[flutterby]

And why doesn't husband dig up the pipe - at *his* house - and let easy child 1 take Wee to the park?

 

[Shari]

easy child 1 is a heavy equipment operator...wee might not need to go to the park right now, but husband's reason is NO excuse. Tomorrow can't come fast enuf

 

[HaoZi]

Can I kick him in the shins *now*?

In addition, can we not limit it to just the shins?

 

[KTMom91]

Yet another similarity to Miss KT's father. On the rare occasions she would visit him, he would sleep all weekend, letting his then-girlfriend, M, take care of her. Miss KT and M are still close, in fact, she is visiting M this weekend. As for Useless Boy? He lives about an hour south of here, and Miss KT refuses to go see him, and M is an hour north of Miss KT's school.

Gee, husband could actually play WITH Wee...

 

[flutterby]

No, it's not a good excuse, and is pretty childish. "Well, what's there for me to do?" He could have easily said that he was working on something with easy child 1 and that today isn't a good day.

 

[flutterby]

I really hope he goes with you tomorrow.