talking slow

[Ktllc]

I have noticed that talking real slow and explaining the obvious works really good on V.
I feel bad to say that, but it's like I talk to a dummy (and I know he is no dummy!) and have to explain the simplest things. The kind of things "normal" people just get.
It is actually harder than it sounds: explaining that the 2 toy airplanes are identical, maybe one is blue and the other yellow but it does not affect their function. One can play the same way with one or the other.
Explaining that sometime people need their personal space and just need to be left alone a little. A little has to be explained than: maybe 10 minutes? Then of course V does not get what "10 minutes" is. So then I have to show him on the clock. Once it is explained, he actually complies.
It annoys me, but husband is taking it real hard. He asks me why V cannot just snap out of it... I don't know what to say besides taking the time and hoping one day V will just "get it". It is time consuming to always have to pause for V, but honestly it is better than a never ending tantrum.
Sometimes, I let V have a tantrum just so husband get a chance to handle it or learn how to handle. Than I get agravated when husband does not pause. And of course husband gets upset when I tell him what to do (ie: mute the TV, ask him how he feels, use simple words, show him his emotion cards, etc...). husband usually end up doing it with V, but by then we are all kind of upset.
And then, the million dollar question: how do you explain the need to talk slow to the school when V looks perfectly smart?? That when V smiles looking down it actually means he does not understand what's going on? That he does not answer the question not because he does not want to, but because he can't?
Talking slow works, but it is hard to put in practice!

 

[DDD]

I think you have found an effective solution. The autistic traits often prevent comprehension, the lack of social skills limits the ability to actually listen to others and then the frustration leads to outbursts. We found in our case that there was such eagerness to speak that difficult child#2 was concentrating on what he could say instead of absorbing what was said to him. I guess the word "solution" was a poor choice. The problems won't go away because of your method but it may very well train him to listen to others, ask questions about what he does not understand, and then eventually be able to practice those skills with others. Good luck. DDD

 

[gcvmom]

How do you explain it to the school? The same way you did here. Write a letter and tell them exactly what you've said. He gets overwhelmed by what he hears and shuts down. He needs to receive information slowly. He often needs clarification. If he looks down and smiles, it's usually a sign that you've lost him. I think the teacher and any other support personnel will be grateful to know this. It will save a lot of time and frustration in the long-run.

 

[Liahona]

Its great news that you know of something to help V!! Sorry I don't know a fast and easy answer to get everyone else on board.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Has he been tested for auditory processing disorders? The need to slow down your verbal presentation, and removing background noise... could easily be related to various APDs. IF this is the case, then with a diagnosis there is a range of accommodations and interventions at school.

 

[Malika]

It's great that V has you on his side to understand and battle for him. Quite moving, really.

 

[Ktllc]

I wish it would be just as easy to explain it to the school. They seem always so surprised when I reveal "tricks" about V.
This morning, V and 2 little girls where looking for their name tags. They have to sign in and out every day. Victor finds his fairly quickly, which the teacher noticed. I go on to say how surprising it is: he recognizes sight words pretty good (I work on that with him, not the school) but is not able to remember letters to save his life. The teacher was real surprised by my statement. She goes "really?? We do it every morning. V, tell Mommy about the letters we've learned". V looks at her with his shy face. She asks several times, nothing... So I rephrase the question to V, still nothing... Then, since I suspect he has no clue what we are talking about, I ask him to point at them. The teacher jumps on the opportunity and ask him to point at the letter in the center. V goes to the center but has no clue what to point at. The teacher makes some gesture and gives more directions. Finally V points at them and still has no clue what they are... I did not make any comments, or did not have time to make any comments. The teacher says "but he says it with the class every day". All I said is that he knows to repeat the letters when he hears them, but cannot remember them. The teacher was real puzzled by it. V has been in her class everyday for the past 2 weeks.
I guess people are still not convinced by what I try to explain. I have a meeting with the disability manager and the 2 teachers on Wednesday. Maybe I can explain the theory of "talking slow".

 

[keista]

Ditto gcvmom about how to tell the school. If they refuse to listen they will continue to encounter problems. When they "complain" to you yet again, calmly and gently ask them if they have tried your technique. If not, please try it and see if it helps at school because it's working for you at home.

The husband issue is harder. in my opinion the "theory of mind" applies to most men and their parenting techniques (or lack there of). They seem to only remember the parts of their childhood when they were already complying to demands and instructions. Those parts where they were finally understanding what's going on and what's expected. They have no memory of the learning process (I know I don't) and therefore don't know how to deal with that process.

The most obvious such thing that sticks in my mind is when the kids would do something annoying and he would call out their name. They'd stop, look at him and then carry on. He was absolutely confused at to why they would carry on. In his MIND he told them to stop, but in reality all he did was get their attention by calling their name and since they received no further instructions, they continued on. Countless times I explained to him that AFTER getting their attention, he NEEDED to explain what he expected of them. I NEVER got through to the man. He insisted that they should just "get it".

So, the only advice I can offer on that front is to get him as involved as possible with all the professionals, so he can hear this information directly from them. Just like kids, husbands often think that "moms just don't know anything".

 

[DammitJanet]

Keista, your husband would just call out a kids name and expect them to read his mind? How bizarre? LOL. I have to admit that while Tony and Cory arent the worlds best fathers, they are far from the worst. They actually do a pretty darned good job. Jamie could learn from them. He isnt as good as they are which worries me some. I dont know how both Jamie and Cory could be raised by the same man and not get the same parenting ideas from him...and how the difficult child got to be the better parent as far as how to actually deal with behaviors and hands on parenting. Now obviously Jamie can do more monetarily than Cory but parenting isnt all money.

 

[JJJ]

Janet - I think reformed difficult children can often make great parents.

One of the dads that helps with our scouts was a COMPLETE difficult child growing up. He is intimidating physically and I was very nervous about him at first. He is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING with our troop of difficult children; explains and reexplains, demostrates, lets the boys try and try again. I think he is giving him the support he needed.

 

[JJJ]

Ktllc -- We actually have a full communication disorder program in our area. All of the staff have been trained to speak with 'pauses' to allow the kids to comprehend what is being said. I agree that testing for Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) is a good idea.

 

[keista]

Keista, your husband would just call out a kids name and expect them to read his mind? How bizarre? LOL.

LOL Janet not the most bizzarre of his traits, but yes he did. Of course, his unspoken command was usually a simple "Stop that". As kids get older, they usually understand that unspoken command from a parent by their tone of voice, but not so much kids up to the age of 6.

I have seen moms do it out in public as well. I watch as the kids continue on with their antics, and the moms get exasperated and truly don't understand why these preschoolers aren't "listening".

 

[Aaron]

Hello all,
i am new in this forum,
very nice to see all the members,
please welcome me guys,
thanks!!!