Hi dear Esther! You are so sweet and thoughtful. I am fine. Your "shout out" to me reminds me of our DDD...I miss her so much as do we all.
husband and I are preparing to move again. We will put in our 2 month intent to vacate sometime this week. So you know it will be a busy time...with finding a new place to live and packing.
easy child got approved, with a cosignature from my mother, on an apt. in Dallas this past week. She will be moving out in 3 weeks and she can't hardly wait! lol She is SO independent and vastly different from young difficult child who STILL to this day wishes he could move back home with mommy and daddy and us support him for the rest of his life...sigh.
Young difficult child does still have his job...not sure how. A few weeks ago he was hospitalised at psychiatric ward again. He actually drove himself there from his mother in laws. He stayed a week...and the last day of his stay his wife told me that she and the kids were going into a women's shelter that night. She said she needed to do something different. That never happend...of course. She went and picked him up from the hospital just a few hours later. She also told me that he got a new rx for pain medications...it just never seems to end.
I'll tell you Esther...some things I wish so badly I could go back and do/say differently. First...I would NEVER do for my children what they can do for themselves. and Second...I would tell each of them by age 8 that they are guests in dad's and my home and that when they are 18, expected to go to college or have a job and move out. I did so much for them growing up and we gave so much of ourselves in the name of being "good parents". But at the end of the day...we have raised children who in many ways think what is ours is THIERS.
2 of my grandchildren will be going back to school starting tomorrow (Young difficult child's oldest and middle child). The middle one has been trying to do pretend school work like her brother for 2 yrs now. She has also participated in many school events with him. She went to the "meet the teacher night" last week and as she walked in she exclaimed..."I've been waiting for this day my whole life!" She is too cute. All of my grandchildren warm my heart and are such a joy to spend time with.
I hope you and your beatiful family are doing well. I too, look at the board almost everyday to keep up with all and make sure everyone is okay.
Thank you for checking up on me Esther. I am taking it one day at a time and looking forward to a completely empty nest with just husband and I. I feel like our relationship was put on hold for 20 something yrs while we raised the kids, lol. We are rediscovering what brought us together in the first place.
Tammy, thank you so much for your lovely long and detailed reply. I feel better now knowing you are doing OK.
Good for easy child. Good luck to her. And you know, if young difficult child has still got his job, that says a lot. I'll keep my fingers crossed that that continues.
You are doing really great with your children, as well as anyone could do under the circumstances. You are so clever to keep up the good relationship with your grandchildren. That is very important and when they are older they come to visit on their own, and it is a lot of fun (that's talking from my own experience). I was never very good with playing with them when they were small, but when they get older they like to come and just be around me in the kitchen, eat my cookies, bring their friends, -- just somewhere to drop in and take a break. And I just love it!
I have two grandchildren starting school now, age 6. I have always gone with each grandchild to buy their school bag and pencil case with all that goes in it. It's a real outing -- we go to two different shops to buy those things, and then afterwards we go to buy ice cream and they can choose whatever they want. I have now done that with 20 (yes, twenty) grandchildren. And there's still a whole bunch more to come who are still small! And even when they are grown up, they remember that experience! Even my married granddaugher who now has 2 sons still remembers that outing!
I wish you the best of luck with your move. Moving house is always difficult, but worthwhile! And enjoy the quality time with your husband. You are still the prettiest American girl I have ever met. I hope your husband appreciates you -- you are such a good wife and mother.
"I feel like our relationship was put on hold for 20 something yrs while we raised the kids" and when we have a difficult child Tammy it's double hold. I truly hope you and husband can rediscover what brought you together years ago and find joy in each other.
Your grandchildren are so blessed to have you keep up the new school yr tradition with them. I'll bet they really look forward to it. And thank you so much for your sweet compliment. Made my day!
Nancy and Esther,
husband and I are like kids again...Smile, we married at 19 yrs old. I told him to prove to me he loved me and he said "lets get married" lol...we eloped and here we are 28 yrs later! The two of us came from divorced parents and alot of instability. We did our best to provide all the things we didnt have growing up...but as those of us with sub abusing children know...there are no guarantees. No matter how GOOD the kids had it!
Last night young difficult child decided to drink and from what I hear from daughter in law it was by way of a credit card that he stole from his mother in law. They are not pressing charges. I don't know how long they will put up with difficult child's addicition issues and continue to house him. They are well aware that we do not plan on young difficult child ever living with us again.
husband and I are planning our future. We still have dreams. We would like to be living in the mountains of Colorado again within 5 yrs. We have a savings plan and WILL reach this goal. We cannot continue to support (financially) young difficult child. He is a drain on all around him.
I don't know where HIS life is taking him...but we will not pay for it anymore.
There is a resolve with husband and I now. We are making a new commitment towards each other and our future. Throwing good money after bad will no longer happen...we will not allow our future to be "stolen" from any longer by any difficult child. We have reflected long and hard about the past 7 yrs (since difficult child turned 18) and nothing we have tried to do to "help" difficult child has turned into sober living.
There is still great love and many prayers said regularly for young difficult child. But our son's life is no longer in our hands. G-d knows we have tried everything else...Maybe just maybe letting Go is the answer.
Tammy , I have been away from the Board for ages, and just popped in today. What a lovely message thread to find. Your resolve comes through strongly in your posts. Wish I g you and DR all the best in your new home AND as you set forth to achieve your dreams. Many hugs, my friend.
Well all...time for a new revelation.
My beautiful, intelligent, highly independent easy child...appears to be a bit difficult child at times too.
easy child just got out of County jail yesterday. She is with her on again/off again boyfriend now so I won't see her til later this morning.
This is a girl who has EVERYTHING going for her. She has completed 3 yrs into her Bachelor degree and also just completed a yr (on top of college) in massage therapy school to become a licensed massage therapist. She just got a job 2 weeks ago with a local chiropractor. She also just got approved for an apt that she is scheduled to move into in 2 weeks.
I don't want to go into the specifics...but needless to say I have been a mess the past couple of days. Outwardly, I am staying steady...but inside I feel shame. 3 for 3 is not a very good parenting record.
Meanwhile...since I told young difficult child that we are DONE. His radar is up...he kept asking me where this came from? He even texted me last night and said...
" You are wrong about me. And abandoning all emotional relationship with your son is harsh and not good for my mental health. Mom's are important to their son's for their whole life and should always believe in their boys. This is not guilt this is the truth."
All I said in response is..."Dad and I have given you everything you need to succeed...the rest is up to you."
Of course young difficult child does not know about easy child. I will never tell him. He would use that to justify his own (regular) bad behavior.
I feel like a failure.
easy child did tell me on the phone when she got out yesterday that she wrote both dad and I letters and "meant every word of it". I may share her letter to me on the board once I receive it.
She is a good person. Why oh why did this have to happen?
For the most part...she has not given us a lick of trouble. For the most part...she is a responsible person. I am just at a loss at this moment. I did not see this coming.
ps...I know you all also "know me" by my first name but I would prefer to only go by lovemysons or LMS in the future. Thanks.
LIS, first off, many gentle hugs. It's hard when our PCs goes off the rails, because we come to rely on their stability. I think that's part of the reason it happens. They feel pressure to be good, and need reassurance that we love them anyway even if they go wrong. Not nearly as serious as jail, but my easy child (he's nearly 13 now) had a huge incident at school last term, when he intimidated his teacher and was one warning away from a suspension. My gentle giant has settled back into his good boy groove now that he knows we love him through bad times too. You're doing very well handling the storms. I'm especially impressed by the way you're handling young difficult child.
I think almost every human being has difficult child moments. And us moms with difficult child-PTSD tend to see those moments and think "Zebra" when they are just regular run of the mill "horses."
We put ourselves under a microscope. When it finally sinks in that our difficult child's are not going through "just a phase"- we reexamine every single thing we did for clues to when it started and where we went wrong. And we make ourselves sick over the "what ifs".
Each time one of my pcs does something out of character- even shows a soupçon of anger - I panic. Then I fret, worry and start checking up on them. If they're angry at me, it throws me into a tailspin. I always know when my difficult child is up to no good- because he starts to bristle. So now, when anyone in my house bristles, my stomach falls.
Everyone screws up sometime. It's not the screw ups that create a difficult child. It's the failure to learn from them, failure to take responsibility for them and the failure to correct them that makes a difficult child. That does not sound like your easy child at all.
As far as your parenting skills- I know you and your eldest have struggled in your relationship. By your accounts- your eldest has turned his life around and has a loving family and is a good father. The reason he has been able to do this is because you have him the basis for it. You are a dedicated mother - and despite his issues with you - it's because you are a dedicated and loving mother that he can have this wonderful family of his own. YOU laid the groundwork for that; YOU taught him how to be a good parent & gave him the family skills. Never forget it.
It does sound like your daughter is struggling inside. In your shoes, I would do everything I could to get her into regular counseling. You've all had a lot of changes lately, and perhaps she needs someone she can talk to?
Just want to send my empathy and support. Interestingly, my easy child recently finished college and is also a licensed massage therapist. I don't know if there's such a thing as a true easy child anymore - and if so, they're as rare as hen's teeth. Compared to our difficult child's, however, our PCs are just about the only things that keep us from feeling like total parenting failures. When a easy child has emerging issues, we may catastrophize and feel like we've been awful parents. Truth is, our "kids" are adults, and they have free will to make their own choices. If they do not choose wisely, it doesn't mean we haven't done our best.
I'm sure you and husband will be wise counselors for easy child. You'll get through this.
LMS - great words of wisdom here. I think it is hard to not jump to lots of conclusions and worry when our pcs screw up. I was a total easy child, a really good kid growing up.... and yet in HS I took some major chances that could have gotten me into real trouble. I got lucky and didnt get caught... and yet even in that phase of my life I still think overall I was a easy child.
I could imagine my easy child doing something and getting into trouble. So far she hasn't.... but I think her reaction and how she would handle it would be totally different than my difficult child.
And although I know my easy child is experimenting with alcohol (and has smoked weed) in collage it is not the issue at all that it is for my difficult child. And unbelievably (to me) she talks to me about it! I have to hold back and not lecture or overreact because of my experience with difficult child.
So keep calm, keep breathing and give her your love and support.
Hey girl! I have missed you. I need to message you my new phone number so we can talk because I miss our conversations.
I hope you really enjoy your time as empty nesters. I love this little place Tony and I moved into and dread having to move back home again any time soon. I know we will have to sometime but I just dont want to. I have sworn that I wont go back until there are no more kids there. If all else fails I will try to get section 8 and live by myself. I do hope you are able to reconnect better than Tony and I have. We live together but are more like roommates now. I think we waited too long. The whole Buck thing just drove too much of a wedge between us.
I dont know what happened with easy child but dont worry too much. I lived at a big tourist beach for awhile and people would let loose there and end up getting picked up on small charges for things they would never do at home. It happens.
Pasajes, Trinity, Sig, Calamity Jane, TL, Janet and all...
You all are such good friends to me...thank you. I am sorry I have not responded sooner. I got a call from old friend (from the board) and she and I went to an overnight trip at Casino out of state on Sunday. I got back last night.
Today has been filled with taking things back to chiropractor's office in the city as easy child has lost her job. Also stopping by easy child's Apt, banks,etc. Saturday was spent taking easy child to check in with Bail Bondsman.
I know you all are right. easy child is still a easy child. She got caught with under 2 0z of Marijuana and had some Adderall on the floor of her car (that are prescribed to her) also Wellbutrin was found. The Adderall is the most serious of the charges...it is a controlled sub...a Felony charge. The other 2 are misdemeanors.
husband has given easy child the name of a lawyer friend. She will likely have to have her Dr records supeoned by lawyer to produce as evidence that this medicine was prescribed to her.
I am still fairly depressed and don't quite know what all this is going to mean for easy child husband and I. easy child knows she has alot in front of her to get done now. She said, "I could be depressed too...but there's too much work to be done". And she's right. There is. She still has school and she will have to line up a new job now too.
I will try to remember what has been said. She messed up..."Made a dumb choice" (as she put it). It's not the end of the world but none of us needed this to happen...especially right now.
husband and I are to move in less than 2 months. easy child will be moving out in 2 weeks. And there's just so much that needs to be accomplished between now and then. I also feel overwhelmed with the prospects of legal fee's for easy child. She said she'd pay us back and I know she will over time.
I was just venting to husband awhile ago...about the day and all that I have been "out" so far in regard to easy child. He told me to vent to someone else. I know he's feeling pressure too. He wanted to know what I wanted him to do to solve the problem. I told him I didn't want him to "solve the problem" I just needed to vent...to be heard. Thank you all for letting me vent here. For caring after all these yrs.
I have been reminded of the hard core difficult child days and I don't want to go through this again...especially concerning easy child. To be honest...and I know some will disagree with me...I think the police nailed the wrong one this time. easy child is not a menace to society. Bless her heart...she is way too good a girl to be facing these charges. That's how I honestly feel. But even easy child says' "There's a reason for everything that happens."
I am going to try to get alittle rest now. I am very tired from the weekend and all that's been going on with easy child.
Thanks again for your thoughts...for your experience and wisdom. I would feel so completely alone at times if it were not for this board.
Love to you all,
ps Janet I look forward to getting your number again so we can talk.
I just saw your thread, LMS. Given that easy child has records showing the MEDICATION is prescribed to her by a doctor, and you are not in FL, there is every reason to believe that the felonies will be rightfully dropped. The pot? Bad choice but far from the worst thing she could do. Chances are in 10 yrs most of her generation will have had some small charge for it and it will be regarded as traffic tickets are by employers - no big deal unless your job includes driving and it is a recent charge.
PCs make mistakes. The P is for perfect but NOT because they don't make mistakes. It is because they LEARN from them. easy child is very insightful, thoughtful, and won't let the consequences of her mistakes be a reason to stop trying and working and to wallow in her problems. That just isn't who she is.
As for your difficult child, he is a manipulative little so-and-so, isn't he? Of course he needs a bond with you, but he does not need to be pulling all the koi to make sure you make excuses for him. His BS text is a last min attempt to keep you from making him actually have to deal with his own problems with-o you as a buffer. He is likely either freaking out that you might mean it or completely sure that you don't mean it and he can continue to make his problems more yours than his. that is generally his game - making the loving females in his life take care of him and his koi so that he can continue to use and abuse substances, those who love him, and everything else including himself. The thought that those who love him might actually make him deal with his problems himself, wow, that is probably one of the biggest freak out thoughts he has ever had.
easy child deserves the help she is getting because she will learn from this and continue with a positive plan for her life. difficult child deserves the disengagement because he will not learn unless he is forced to, and even then he iwll be kicking and screaming for Mommy to help save him from the 'sharks' that really are just the natural, logical consequences of his poor choices.
I am glad you got a weekend away! You deserve it. LOL on husband asking you what you want him to do to 'fix' everything. He is cute. Most of our guys don't phrase things so clearly when that is EXACTLY what they mean when we vent about stuff they cannot fix or change!