Tears today

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow, Feb 17, 2010.

  1. Cried a river today when some silly little office glitch caused the office worker to comment that things don't appear to be going my way this morning.

    My tears took her and me both by surprise.

    Poor gal!

    Things haven't been going my way for the 2 years since daughter-difficult child's Reactive Attachment Disorder behaviors have come back in force.

    I'm grateful that I really do well most days.

    I'm grateful that this is a place where friendly people experiencing similar heartaches will listen... and share their hope and encouragement.

    My trigger today?

    We passed the milestone of a big anniversary of "adoption day" ...and the difficult child "kids" have grown into monsters I don't even recognize.


    daughter-Bio continues to do outstandingly well... even though her heart aches because of difficult child choices.

    I HATE to make the Bio-adopted comparison... because it doesn't accurately reflect that all 3 were raised by loving parents in our loving home... the "adopted"'s only deficit that makes a TREMENDOUS difference is they were exposed neonatally to mind altering substances, and bounced around in foster system for years before they were placed with us.
  2. unsure

    unsure New Member

    Although I'm new here I'd like to offer you (hugs) as I do understand breaking down over the smallest of things at the drop of the hat.

    I'm sure you love all your children equally regardless of how you got them. We can only control so much and have to find ways to deal with/accept the rest.

    Hope you have a better evening.
  3. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member


    Bio, Adopted or Step.... when you love a kid with all your heart it doesn't matter. It still breaks the same way.
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Well put Mom2. Sending cyber hugs to you Legallyadults.

    by the way-I have both bio and adopted I have two PCs on bio and one adoptee and two difficult child's one bio and one adopted. So much is based on genetic makeup. -RM
  5. Thanks MOMs! :)

    You won't believe this, but a charming young man just rang my doorbell a little while ago.

    I strongly suspect he is a sales person... for something... but he kept insisting he wasn't selling anything. (I never found out why exactly he rang.)

    He's a self-proclaimed "HS graduate"...

    ...part of his "not a sales pitch" was

    "do you want to adopt me? :bigsmile:"
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I've adopted several times and have one biological son. Trust me, adopted kids who were adopted at older ages have already been damaged before we get them, and often our love is not enough. So I am positive you were a great mom and loved them to pieces, but it is not the same as having a child from birth. The kids I adopted from birth are doing great. The ones I adopted older were a nightmare. My son from Hong Kong, just before he and his wife disappeared forever, told me repeatedly how his personality was formed before we ever met him and we had nothing to do with how he turned out. And this is the best of the three. The other two didn't make it in our family for long...they were not able to adjust to family life. Nor did they want to. And, in a way, although my son from Hong Kong is brilliant and very successful (or he was the last time we saw him), he never thought of us as his family. I thought of him as my son, but I was never Mom to him and Dad was never Dad.

    You gave them the best life you had. Their choices are partly due to biology, partly due to substance exposure in utero (don't discount how much this can matter) and part because of those heart-wrenching attachment issues. At any rate, you gave them more than they could have dreamed of while they were being bounced around. I've learned though...love doesn't conquer all. I would never adopt an older child again. (((Hugs)))
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I'm adopted.....:tongue: sooooooo whot yer sayin' is?????? LOL.

    (Must review myself tonight) lol. Note to self....was I irritating? .....hmmm nope, I'm just so danged cute.

    Was i annoying? hmmmmm noooooooooope. I'm just so danged cute.

    Was I self-centered? hmmmmm nope....I'm pretty fair about telling everyone how danged cute I am. :tongue:

    Was I narcissistic? hmmmmm naught ah.....I think everyone thinks I'm pretty danged cute too.

    Well that concludes this adoptee's self-examination and seems to me I'm just pretttttty danged cute.

    OH wait.....we were talkin' about YOU? Right.....(slaps head) SHAZAM.

    are you sure you don't want another kid? I AM pretty danged cute! :redface:

    See? Forgot all about your problem already huh?

    Know what?
    Chicken butt....



    I think you're pretty danged cute too.

    HUGE HUGS....

    You danged cute little thing you!
    Have a better day today....

    This message was brought to you by the completey and utterly danged cute little adopted kids message society.
  8. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member

    LegallyAdults, I don't have adopted children nor am I familiar with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but I can still relate to your pain. I'm sorry you had a rough day. As you know, it's a process. Some days are better than others and I hope today is a better day for you!
  9. Thanks everyone!!! I appreciate the love and encouragement.

    Star, you ARE adorable and cute!!!! :laugh: funny to boot!!!!

    In spite of the nightmare we are currently living courtesy of our adoptees I remain a huge fan of adoption!

    It is the kid's mental illness, the underlying Reactive Attachment Disorder in our adopted difficult child, that makes me currently flinch at the concept of adoption. I expect to get over that "fight or flight" reaction... eventually.

    For now it appears our wounds are all too fresh.

    I imagine husband and I are experiencing a bit of PTSD after our difficult child-daughter and difficult child-DS have been behaving as if they are working their way through a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Symptom checklist.

    Adoption absolutely did not cause our children's mental illnesses, or their evil behavior towards us!

    Poor prenatal care, drug/alcohol exposure in-utero, bouncing around in foster care in numerous placements BEFORE ADOPTION during the time where their brain was most actively developing is the pin-point-able organic source of our personal heartache.

    Certainly not every adoptee has Reactive Attachment Disorder! That is why as I mentioned at the end of my first post that I hate to make the bio-adopted comparison.

    Regardless of what caused our difficult children' mental illness... they are still cute and loved... just for our own safety, husband and I must keep distance from them until they are willing to get the help they so desperately need!!!!