Teary today...anyone else?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Jul 22, 2013.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    Listening to the Royal Birth coverage today makes me teary and depressed. I remember difficult child's birth. The joy...the fun of dreaming of his future.

    I'm teary and sad. Didn't know if any of you felt the same.

    I see the phrase, "and her son" and I want to break down. I remember when I had a son. I don't really feel like that anymore.

    I know I do but I don't really have a relationship with him anymore. It's like a death without a body or a funeral. He's living a mile away yet it might as well be on the moon in some ways. I remember when we were oh so close.

    *Just sad...
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I didn't even know about the birth. I don't follow the royals. However, I do have days when I'm said, but since nothing is happening currently, today isn't a bad day. I try very hard to live one day at a time...big hugs and I'm sorry you are sad...be good to yourself today. Do something nice for YOU! :)
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh AG, I am sorry you are feeling sad. I know exactly how you feel. Just be sad, feel what you're feeling, it lessens with time and tomorrow you'll likely wake up and you won't be 'here' anymore. It comes in stages and things like a birth are what bring on those memories............sending you a big hug and empathy from my mom's heart to yours.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Many, many hugs AG!!!! Yes, I know that feeling of sadness all too well...I have been mourning difficult child for a very long time...
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I don't understand why the teary days pop up sometimes out of the blue....but they sure do. You have put up such a valiant fight that I imagine it's a shock that all your efforts and loving support have not had the results you hoped and prayed for. Do remember, though, it is not over yet. Let the tears flow as they need to but keep the faith that your son can turn back into the wonderful, funny, bright and loving person he was before addiction. Hugs DDD
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I think alot of us have those sad days. They can be triggered by alot of different things, but I know exactly how you are feeling this morning. ((((Hugs)))).
  9. rosepress

    rosepress New Member

    I feel the same way...I haven't broken down yet, husband has, but I know I will. I am mad today, but know all about teary days....I guess me being mad at the situation keeps me from crying...but like everyone tells me, we are doing the right thing. Our loved ones, like my son, makes choices that prohibit him from living with us, I must remember that. He has to be on his own. I had big plans and dreams for our 20 year old the day he was born...mine denies being an addict also. He don't want anything to do with us since we threw him out....all I have is prayer and hope. You also....you are not alone.
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    This helped me.

    On those rare occasions when we would see our son during his druggie years, it was as though he were not the same person. I could see that this willfully mean, vicious male looked a little like my son. Even the eyes were so different. That was the most heartbreaking part. There was no reflection in those eyes for me, at all. Every so often, though...I would see a flash of my son, of the son I knew and remembered, in those eyes. It would be there and gone in an instant, but I saw it. Building on that flash of him, I came to understand that it was as though my son had been kidnapped. The person who had him trapped in there looked like our son, but that is all. Through this imagery, I was able to understand what was happening to all of us a little more clearly. I was able to love my son, trapped in there, and discount the braggart who wanted money and time and everything that wasn't nailed down.

    It went on like that for a long time.

    I set a place for my son, who I knew would be missing, for each holiday. I set it in my room, where no one would see it, but me. At the end of the day, I would light a white candle for him. I began using those white electric candles you put in the windows at Christmas? For the sake of my son. Somehow, I was making concrete my belief that he would find his way home.

    It was part of how I held faith with the flash of my son I had seen, in those reflectionless eyes.

    I also have a thing, special to him, and special to me, that difficult child had given me before this happened to him. That was my talisman. I keep it still, carefully wrapped and put away. When I needed to feel my son, to remember how he smelled, how he smiled, what his laugh sounded like, I would unwrap the item. I would rage, if that is what I needed to do. Cry, if that was what I needed to do. Pray, always. Then, I would carefully wrap that item and put it away again, safe and sound.

    It helped me too, to remember that people who lose their children to death receive much support. Others are gentler with them, are willing to discuss the missing child, are accepting of the parents' pain.

    That does not happen, for us.

    No one wants to talk about our drug-addicted children.

    So, we have to provide that caring, that strength, that pride in who our children were, and that belief in who they will be, again, for ourselves.

    These are the things that helped me.

    Our son did stop using. But he did it on his own. Nothing we did made a difference. This isn't what we asked for, what we dreamed about when they were born? But, addicted or not, these are our children, our sons and our daughters. Our job is to love them through it without enabling, and without being destroyed, ourselves.

  11. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    Barbara, thank you for all your wrote. I'm bookmarking it to read when I get discouraged.

    My father died from Alzheimer's. I often said it felt like the disease had encapsulated him, that my Dad was in there, underneath it. Addiction is the same. As you said, every so often you get a glimpse. Tis just enough to make the deepest part of me want to fall to my knees and beg for my precious son to return.

    You hit the nail on the head when you said willfully mean. It's so very difficult to see him being loving to bio dad's relatives on Facebook even though they have ignored him his whole life yet, treat me cruelly. I must remember it is the disease.

    *Breathing easier today and enjoying the sunshine....
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just noticing this thread again I realized that it has been awhile since I shared one of the most painful conversations I ever had with anyone. I don't recall (and don't want to "go there" too vividly) but I believe easy child/difficult child was 14 and I had been called to pick him up as he was "discharged" from the only really good quality rehab I had found for him. It was likely around seven in the evening when I got there to pick him up. As I waited his counselor sat with me and when I said "I just want to get my son back" he looked at me straight in my eyes and said "You are never going to get your old son back. He is gone for good. What you need to pray for is that he can change his ways and that the two of you can forge a new type of bond. He will never be innocent again."
    That has haunted me for twelve years or so because that kind man was right. I have easy child/difficult child back but neither he nor I will be innocently bonded again. I'm so sorry that he ruined that for both of us.

    on the other hand, I have a special small blanket of his in my dresser and every now and then it's put to use when I can't sleep and need to remember happier times. DDD
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2013
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DDD and Scent have wonderful ideas.
  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you and praying for strength to get through these days.
    Your son has used up your good graces long enough.
    I hope you will concentrate on giving yourself the kindness and nourishment to your soul that you deserve.

    With love and care,
  15. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    DDD, you are exactly right. difficult child son and I will never be innocently bonded, again. I am glad you shared this. It will comfort me in my conversations with difficult child son to have the words to describe to myself what it is that has changed.

    I love that phrase, DDD.

    Innocently bonded.