Teen Pregnancy

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterbee, Jan 28, 2009.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    No, not Devon and his girlfriend. Thank God.

    Devon's best friend got his girlfriend pregnant. Apparently, she's 6 weeks along and they've only been dating about 2 months.

    This is the last kid you would ever expect this to happen to - or allow to happen. He just flies under the radar.

    I've been sick all day. It hits so close to home. He'll be 18 in March; she's a junior in high school.

    Ok. I can't talk about this anymore. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. It's just too close to home and this kid has been a part of our lives for so many years. They have no idea how their lives are about to change.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    ((hugs)) Heather

    It's hard to watch, even when they're someone else's kids. Most especially when you're so close to them.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry. I know you are hurting for them. Please try not to let the stress over this make you feel even worse.

    Gentle hugs for you, Devon, his friend and the friend's girlfriend. The friend will need Devon and you even more now than he ever has before.

  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    That's really too bad. They are just so young. Are they going to keep it? Have they received any counsel on it from their parents or DR?

    Heather, try to take a step back. This is their life and they have to live with their choices. I'm sorry it's hitting you so hard. I hope you can find a way to be empathetic without it dragging you down. Hugs~
  5. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    that is so sad. But I would really like opinions on this subject.

    For me, personally, I got pregnant with easy child when I was 20. easy child was born 3 months before my 21st birthday. I was a good kid basically. No drugs, did well in school, no trouble at home. But the legal drinking age in Wisconsin was 18 at the time. I worked a seasonal job, and was a bar fly. I was happy with that. easy child's father was into drugs, drinking major. I had no plans for anything in my life at that time. Going to the bar every night was my life. However - once they placed that perfect little boy in my arms, my whole outlook changed. What I wanted for him was more than I could give. He changed my life. Father didn't change, I dumped him. I went back to school. Tech school. I wanted to give him so much. I wasn't there much when he was a baby. School 40 hours a week. Got a good job. Moved up in the company. My dream was to have a home with a back yard and swing set. It wasn't until he was 11 that I was able to give him that. But, without him where would I be? Still in the bar? still with the drunken druggie father? I did not live with my parents, I moved out. Had nothing. But WE made it. Went through some really hard and awful times, but he kept me going. When kids at school asked him what his mom did - I did NOT want him to say - nothing, or on welfare. I wanted him to be proud of me.
    Having him made me realize what I wanted out of life.
    Having said that - do any of you feel that having a child at a young age, single is good for some people? It was for me. Even though I know if I would of given him up for adoption he would of had a home with loving parents who could give him more than me...He gave me that push to better myself so he would be proud of me.
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Heather I am sorry that you are feeling so devastated by all this. Each and every one of us parents of a difficult child worries about this at some time or another. My advice is to maintain a distance but at the same time be there for discussions if your difficult child needs ti talk. Sometimes seeing a good friend struggle with the consequences of their behavior help a difficult child identify what they do not want for themselves.

    KJS, Perhaps you need to start another thread with your request for opinions. Not being mean, but Heather is in need of our support here on her thread.
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Heather, I find teen pregnancy incredibly self absorbed thinking(by teens) with all the birth control methods available. No thought to the well being and life of the child. Sex happens but pregnancy doesn't have to be the outcome.

    On the other end of the spectrum, although the teens life change forever it is not the end of the world. They have made their lives very very hard and they will work forever to support their child even if they had fantasies of another kind of life. Maybe they self sabotaged themselves because they can't live up to their fantasy.

    I feel sad for teens who miss their opportunity to grow up gradually as most teens do. These two will jump into the real world of adulthood ready or not.

    This is a good time to step back and wait for them to ask for advice.(even though they know it all)LOL.

    I would feel so sad that my son's cheated themselves out of a life that was full of experiences before taking on parenthood but that is the consequence. My son's can't say they didn't know.

    I hope these two keep their eyes open, get expert counseling and make the best choice possible for the baby and for themselves. It's gut wrenching when you know how hard it is to raise a child.
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Ditto, Fran. I see it everday in the high school where I work and the community where I live. They are still babies themselves, for the most part. Being an adult is hard! Most teens are not ready for the job. I know they will love their child, but I believe it takes more than that. Also, I think it limits the teens as to what they can do in life. Your brain is not matured until you are in your twenties---you are not developed into who you will be. If you throw a child into the mix, it really stunts development of the full self. I had pcson at 20 and wouldn't trade him for anything in the world, but it was not easy, and had I waited or chosen to give him up, I may have had an entirely different life.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    They have no idea how their lives are about to change.

    You got that right.

    So sorry, Heather.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It IS hard to watch. And hard to know how much support to offer with-o it seeming like you condone their choices. I have a cousin who is 1 day less than 1 year older than Wiz. this cousin and his girlfriend got pregnant. She is due in a couple of months. Both are Catholic and they are getting married. It will be a tough life, but they have relatives who will watch the baby while they work and are in school. This girl has been a wonderful influence on my cousin (to the point of coming over to his parents' home and making a chore list of what SHE expected him to do to help his mom keep the house clean and maintained! - we ALL laughed at that, but she actually won't go out with him until those chores are DONE and if his grades slip she makes him study!) .

    I hoenstly think they will make it, although it will be hard. At the very least they will be good parents and will stay away from drugs and alcohol (cousin's dad is an alcoholic and druggie). It is hard, but not the end of anyone's life. Changes the dreams and hopes, but even college is still possible.

    I hope this friend and his girlfriend are able to remain on good terms if they don't make it as a couple. Hopefully they can both be very good parents and work together for the child's sake.

    Hugs to you, I know it was a shock and is hard on a parent.
  11. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    When a couple at my sons jr high announced they were going to have a family at 14!
    Was the one and only time the boys ever got in my car afterschool and talked in unison!
    And oh boy yes it is very very hard on everyone when this sort of arrangement is decided. A few years later I ran into the extended family (greatgrandma was still sputtering from the honestly dumb situation) but granddad and the mom were happy and the granddad and I talked about the fact that his son, the dad, was having trouble getting the school system to let him back in as he intially quit school and went to work. Now he wanted to finish and work.

    I think that societies need to take a long hard look at the way that the biological reality of fertility and the theological nonsense are pressuring youth into reproduction when we do have means and every sane reason under the sun to stop having unintended pregancy as the population driving means of increasing.

    Yes younge people can have good lives after reproduction early in life and yes large families can be terrific. however we are living in times when we are aware that increase is not all good. Globally and in families, rich or poor, when people choose to limit reproduction it is a better long term plan than to let biology and fertility be a disease sourse. Babies need water,and clean air too. Now and every generation to come. We have math we can see with our own eyes that doubling the population faster and faster is dooming the life on this planet.

    But for me once other people decide to have a baby, well then, they are all welcome and I like to entertain a baby when ever and whereever they maybe.

    Two hundred percent is what i say it take to bring a baby into this world. A father does 100% of what he has to do to start life and a mother does 100% of what she has to do and then: new life!And dumb as dirt, high as a kite, utterly incompitent makes not differance. Younge girls are very vunerable and theologists have been betting on the younge mares for just that reason. That is my opinion.
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    this is in response to Ropefree, I know of no traditional religion that encourages young unmarried kids or adults to have children.

    This thread was not about over population nor about theology. It was about Heather's pain at seeing someone close to her in a position that would make his life so much more difficult. Lets try to stay on topic. -RM
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Heather, this is something I worry about all the time. We did get difficult child on birth control but it's not foolproof and she isn't always compliant.

    I agree they have no idea how their life is going to change. They just don't think further ahead than today. difficult child just told me that the neighbor boy's girlfriend is pregnant. She use to be involved with this boy. In fact he is the first boy she had sex with. This could be us. It sends shivers up my spine.

    There are lots of stories like this that end ok, but there are so many that have a far different outcome. I know of at least 4 kids in difficult child's hs that had babies in the past year and they are all struggling big time. Two of them dropped out of school. Their fututre is so uncertain. And guess what, none of the fathers are still involved in their lives.

    What did Devon have to say?

  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Heather, you're right...they have no idea. All you can do is offer your wisdom, and hopefully they can learn from what you say.
  15. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    Oh I no longer cringe when I see the condoms lying on difficult child I's night stand, I just count my blessings when I see them that he uses them and uses them correctly!
  16. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thank you for listening, ladies.

    It just hit me like a ton of bricks. I keep thinking about him and you know, he's a kid. He's into video games and electronics. He's the most laid back person I've ever known; this kid never gets his feathers ruffled. But...I just don't know.

    Anyway, thanks for listening.
  17. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    When the 14 year olds embarked on that same road here I felt it hard too. It is so tricky with the young parents-to-be as they are tender hearted and they intend no harm.
    Hope it helps to keep the dialogue open with your boy.
    Talking about planing for parenthood with teens is ackward yet it is way less emotionally charged as from the other side of all that].
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    For the girl concerned - it can either make her as a person, or slow her down. her's hoping it works in a positive way for her.

    BF1 has a best frined from school who is what I term a "serial father". He lived with a girl (who wasn't the most responsible person, she wouldn't lift a finger round the place) and got the girl pregnant. We all thoughrt he would find himself snowed under by the responsibilities of parenthood, he would be the one getting up for night feeds and doing all the nappy changes. he would have, too, he was so looking forward to being a father.
    Then a few months after the baby was born, she upped and left him, taking the baby. Having the baby had made her take some responsibility for another human being, but she chose to leave the father, perhaps because she wanted the baby to herself and was arguing with hi too much about what the baby needed. She moved to another city; he moved as well, to be near his baby girl.

    Next I hear, he's living with another girl and SHE'S pregnant. She has the baby, and leaves him. He moves in with a third girl and gets HER pregnant. last I heard, he's still on good terms with GFs 2 and 3 (still with no 3) but has some difficulties with access to child No 1, who he still would do anything for. But his own desperate desire to be a father, is leading to what I feel are (for him and the girls he is with) irresponsible choices.

    Mind you, if either of my girls came home and said, "I'm pregnant," or if difficult child 1's Gfs had ever got pregnant, I would have accepted it as, "what's done is done," and stood by them, to support them in whatever decision they make for their future and the future of the child. Thankfully we haven't had to go there. Yet. Hopefully we won't.

    One of thr biggest difficultiesis gonig to be their relationship. They're both still young, stillchanging and growing emotionally. Now with the added presure of such drastic change in their lives, it is going to have a different impact on her than on him. It can't be helped, no matter how involved he wants to be. Only one of them goes into labour. THis can drive a too big wedge in their relationship, or it could be the testing ground that proves their relationship can last.

    Heather, if their lives are about to change, the best you can do is to be there for him, as much as is appropriate for someone who is not your child. Be a friend. They probably will need friends. It doesn't mean you think they've made a wise decision - being a friend has nothing to do with decisions they make. But it will give your son the example of compassion (assuming he needs it at all). And having him getting a close-up view of what they go through will be the best-ever deterrent to his own possibility of ever getting a girl pregnant.

  19. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    I found this site at the end of last year when I was dealing with behavior issues with my priorly co-operative son. Part of the problem I was having was the teen girls with the drivers lisences wisking the boys away to undisclosed locations and homes of parents who did not supervise.

    Since then I did contact other parents in the group of friends and have a network of sorts now. This way for those of us who give a ____ we can set the limits to demonstrate that self control that teens need now, and later, to avoid the casual parenthood situations that pop out of the reckless follies that , you know, can happen.

    As difficult as this time maybe for you to take in and accept you are now aware of the need to have your son know that you do want him to meet certain goals for his life. How important it is to know the people he ever gets intimate with in his life at anytime, and why.

    The first arguement I was brought was that I did not trust my son. I was able to share what I feel is my role as his parent in terms of guiding him and being there for him so that he doesn't get himself into a situation with parents, or girls without fully understanding the matters. Such as the fact that most fathers and mothers will not want a boy around who does not follow their rules. He needs to ask. He needs to met them and be comfortable with the family of a girl he is dating.

    Next he said they are just friends. (we, all the parents, think that this is true) and I pointed out that that type of relationship makes it even easier to establish the habits that create possitive relationships.

    I also told him that I do want to know the families of the girls he wishes to date. I want them and I to be talking and to have each others numbers. I want this for any cars he rides in as well. That way, I told him, the first contact I have with any of his friends parents will not be under tradgic circumstances.

    Last year he had a girlfriend who was older and in a differant grade. my son has had the girls after him since elementary school. I did the same things. Met the parents, made certain that they were doing supervised activities.
    when they broke up it was hard on my son. and I had felt that it was not ideal when this girl had taken interest in him at the time. He was happy to be friends but he was not so interested in the relationship. I felt that was about his maturity and it is a hazard really where the girls are pursuing the boys.

    These kids had very thorough sex ed in this school system. And they had the suragate baby project where they had to carry the object as a baby and follow all the steps involved. That is a very good idea, I think.
    And, we all know it is more than all of these put together.

    I wish that the youth had a stronger example or presence for understanding how the privacy and seeking contraception and also conseling for unintended pregancy is a personal matter. In some families that choice is not ever discussed accept with disgust and the fact is that is wrong, I think. When a teen is making a choice about an unintended pregnancy the conseling process is the place where one way or another a teen can sort out the matter for herself and set her course.

    In my mind fertility is not a point of shame. it is a sign of health. And as much as the health factor is there it is only shamefull of the people who continue to push girls when they are young and vunerable to feel that they have to do one thing or another or they are making a bad choice.

    I recieved alot of advice when I was complaining about how the neglect in my sons friends family was intruding into the mood and happiness in my family. This event in your community of the highschool sweethearts becoming parents is happening in a context of a family that wants this course for their daughter. And, you know, bless those teens for their futures sake. Because sometimes these are the pairs that do bond and endure and that is a joyous thing.

    I do hope for my son and other teens that they do form close carring enduring and meaningful relationships. The lucky do find each other early in life and build their educations and careers and at differant times in the timeline families of their own with children.

    Like I said we faced the teens becoming parents at 14 here. Their child is almost three now. it goes by quick.
    but I fully recommend the first time motherhood closer to or after thirty. There is less distraction and the joy of infants and toddlers and younge children is really ideally suited to the calm devotion of a time when their needs are truly first.
  20. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Hi ladies,

    Just a reminder that we don't discuss religion or politics on this site. There are plenty of places to discuss those hotbed topics on the internet, but this isn't it.

    Please refer to our house rules if you have any questions: