Teen son's father dies.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Billiesue, Mar 2, 2018.

  1. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    I have two sons. 19 and 17. They lost their father to cancer this week... Younger son at age 14 had a lot of trouble going to his father's house. He didn't like his live in girlfriend. And for just several reasons had a lot of anxiety when he was there. No, no physical abuse. But anxiety attacks. Wanting to come back to my house. Father got angry because they wouldn't tell a judge that they wanted to live with him more. Had told them he didn't even need to be alive if they didn't care about seeing him. His father telling him not to be a mama's boy because he wanted to come back to my house. For these reasons, I took him to a lawyer to see if he had to go there. She said he did not. His father then called harrassed him and saying, You're going to have to tell me why you don't want to come. This upset him greatly. I talked to a lawyer again. She said I didn't have to let him talk to him. This led to a 3 year estrangment. There was some texting between them but not much more. Then the father got cancer. Upon much encouragement, I convinced him to see him again. He has been seeing him about a year. This week he died. My sons' family members hate me over this. I brought my sons to the hospital when he was very sick. They drive but had never been to this hospital. It was dark and about an hour away. Ex's sister met me with great anger and convinced the rest of the family to move away from me. I did end up leaving my sons there with ex's family with the understanding I would be back in the morning to get them. My older son began texting me. It was pretty evident his father would not make it. SO my father and I drove back to the hospital for support of my sons. It was a cold and icy reception by the family members. So much so I wondered if I should go to the funeral. I did sit in the same waiting room with them as there was no other. But when they moved the ex to ICU, I stayed put and told the kids I'd be there for them. I plan to go to the funeral. I was on the fence about it but feel I should be there for my sons. I have decided to not go through the line. I explained this to my younger son. I told him I felt it made his aunt uncomfortable that I was there. Also the ex's new wife. Son is wore out but seems stressed by this. I don't want to go through the line and them refuse to shake my hand. Am I wrong for going at all?
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Billy Sue

    If yo feel the need to be there for your sons and are not going through the reception line. I think this should be acceptable. Is there any way Roy can notify Xa family in advance to see the reaction they will have to your attendance.
     
  3. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    Well I could but I feel like the last person sis and mom want to hear from is me. Me son who was living with him, (and hooked on pot), has stayed over there the whole time. He has been here but has just sobbed every time I see him. My younger son suprisingly stayed over there for two nights. He hasn't stayed there in years. He came home last night just exhausted. Seems nothing I said was the right thing. He was ill and snippy with me. Very unlike him to me. His father had written a hand written will. He pretty much said he was leaving everything to the boys but wanted his wife to be able to live in his house as long as she wanted to. ( Ex actually verbalized these words to me prior to his dying). He then says about his chicken houses, that the wife and each son get 33% of them. He just had them built. a couple years ago. I think it is a 20 year contract. Then younger son says wife's sister was making pictures of everything in the house. I just smell trouble. Anyway I told him to ask the wife why she was doing that and suggested he take a few himself. Older son is in no shape to have these conversations. Not sure the other is either. I questioned the validity of a hand written will and told him I would make an appointment with my lawyer for them to protect their rights.He got very upset that I wondered if it was legal. I told him I wasn't sure. Finally I just told him I was going to let him go to bed. In a while he came back up. I explained that I was coming to the funeral but wasn't going through the line. He asked why I wasn't going through the line. I said I really got the cold shoulder at the hospital and wasn't sure they would want me to. He got upset again and just said I'm going to bed. This son never gets mad at me and is usually very open. I feel I"m in new territory. Nothing I say is right. Just needing to vent. This is so stressful.
     
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Billiesue. Lots of stuff going on with your ex passing. I am sorry for the hardship of it. Everyone grieves differently. There is so much going through our minds as we process the loss. I am sure for a teenager it is much more complex.Add issues like a three year estrangement and possible troubles with the will and icy receptions......ugh.
    I am sure your son is exhausted from grieving and perplexed with the adults around him reacting in their own way.
    Memories of his father’s appearance in the hospital may be reeling through (this happened to me after hubs passing) I would get flashbacks (sometimes still do) and anxiety attacks that left me short of breath. I would replay the days leading up to his passing and went through all of the stages of grieving. Anger, guilt, denial, sadness, bargaining, etc.
    I think giving your son some space to feel what he feels may help. Let him come to you.
    You sound very close and it probably upsets him how is father’s family views you. This is another loss on top of it all. Add on possible weirdness about the will, it is a heap of stuff for a young boy.
    When hubs passed, my son didn’t talk much about it.He was super involved with school and he just buried himself with work. I offered counseling and he said he didn’t need it. Months later he asked to go. It is nearing two years and only now, my son talks about losing his Dad. I don’t press him. He is super sensitive. There are moments when he needs to be alone, or he is moody. Or, he just needs to get in the ocean. I think it is all a part of him processing this deep loss.
    Remember Billisue this is new territory for your son. It is still so fresh. One week is hardly time at all.
    With your love, understanding and patience your son will be okay. He just needs time to heal.
    I am sorry for how difficult this is.
    There are so many things going on, I’m sure your son feels a bit bewildered.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  5. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    I really appreciate your responses. Feels good to get an outside perspective. Older son is here now getting ready for the funeral. We go in an hour. Thanks so much.
     
  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    People in my husband's extended family were in similar situations. They didn't go through the receiving line. They sat on the very back row and had no contact with the others. In another situation, my mom went through the receiving line and was yelled at and cussed out, so she just calmly left without engaging anyone who was yelling at her.
     
  7. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    Wow. I know people are grieving. But seems like it is a time and a place. My ex left me on Christmas Day when my kids were 5 and 3 for another woman. That didn't last long. He then married another woman on a whim. My kids didn't even know he was married. Nor did they know he divorced her a short time later. I asked him a year ago if he and this girl were married. My sons were not sure. He had been living with her for awhile. He said that they were. I have forgiven and we got along fine. I am also remarried and he and my new husband liked each other fine. But seems they never see any fault that he did. I would love to be able to invite them to future events. Baby showers, etc. Maybe as time passes they will calm down. I will respect their distance for now.
     
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  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh, that is terrible. I am so sorry.
    I have much respect for you, Billiesue.
    They are his family and see things very differently. I am sorry for all that is happening, and what has happened.
    It is a no wonder your son felt the way he did with the estrangement.
    That can all just add to the loss.
    One of the things I went through is regret. Hubs had a tough time dealing with our twos' downfall with drugs and all of the agony that comes with that. Me too, I was ready to detach and he was, and wasn't. We grew apart in many ways due to this and extenuating circumstances with his illness. He was withdrawn and angry. That being written, one of my biggest regrets was the time we missed rekindling our relationship. That he had passed so unexpectedly before we could regroup from the mess having two drug addicted daughters brings to the table.............we didn't have the time to heal.
    It was hard enough for me to process, I can't imagine how a 17 year old is supposed to.
    My son turned 15 the month is dad died.
    It is such a tender age for a boy to lose his father.
    Hang in there Billiesue.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
  9. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    New Leaf- I have read about others that had two of their precious children with a drug problem. It has broke my heart that my one chooses this life. I can't begin to imagine if both of them did. I see what you are saying about rekindling the relationship. I know my son feels regret and guilt for the time he missed with him. But it needed to happen. I regret not encouraging him to go back sooner. He was 14 when that happened and it was tearing him up. Now, he is soon to find out about govenor's school and a good chance of being valedictorian next year... The circumstances with my late ex's estate will be difficult for them both. They innocently believe that because of this hand written will, that all is theirs. They don't understand about medical bills to come in and what may still be owed on the house. That these chicken houses if they are not sold will bind them with step mother for the next 20years. The house is sentimental to the boys. It is beautiful. He was a builder. We built it when we married. But is in need of upkeep as ex had been unwell. My drug addicted son was very close to him and I fear this may make him worse. As for the funeral. All went well. My family and I sat on the back row. We skipped the line. I waited on them to return to the church from the grave site so as to give each of my boys some love. My younger son hugged me and just bawled. First time I've really seen him cry yet. I was glad I went. Then we left them to spend time and grieve with their father's family. Sis gave me the stink eye as I left the parking lot. But that was it.
     
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  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I admire your attitude and think you handled it very well.
     
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It is what it is. That’s what I had to keep reminding myself and move on to memories of good times shared. The feelings your son had back then were something he had to process. We do the best we can at the time. That’s all.
    You probably didn’t because you knew it was hard for him. Retrospect. Don’t let it kick you in the backside.
    That will not be a fun mess to straighten out.
    I hope this isn’t the case. It’s hard. It could be a pivot point. I was hoping the same for my two, that maybe they would change their ways. Still hoping.
    I am glad it went smoothly and you were able to be there for your sons, that took courage.
    Poor guy, this is a difficult time for him.
    You are the bigger person for going and paying your respects. I’m glad she did not make a scene, that would have been awful. You must be exhausted. Do something kind for yourself dear.
    Prayers going up for peace.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  12. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    I love you guys. Yours words lift me up. Thanks so much!
     
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  13. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    These are awful days. I asked my older son if he and brother wanted to go see a lawyer to see that their rights are protected. He just says, " I think it will be OK." My younger son has took to going to late Dad's house everyday. He has always talked to me and told me everything. He barely has two words to say except to ask for gas money. I asked him this morning if he would be home after school. He said he was going to watch late Dad's step daughter play ball. He has always hated her. Never had anything to do with her. I feel like the enemy. My feelings are hurt. I half wonder if older brother has asked him to move in over there. How would both my children rather live with this woman than me. I was going to go gather information at the clerk of court today. Try to find out when ex actually married her. Find out what land he owns. I feel like this will all go south. Younger son did say that they signed a prenump. He seems angry at me. I am not sure why. This will he wrote is in his handwriting. It is not signed. Not dated and not notarized. My older son left his car that is in his name at the gym where he was working out the night his Dad got sick. He couldn't find his keys. Its still there. I had let him take home the one I took away from him that is in my name. He is still driving it.
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion this is part of grieving his father and perhaps regret that they had been estranged. I doubt it is because they suddenly prefer stepmother.

    Why don't you wait and see about the will. For now your boys may be angry if you cause strife of any kind. Will go through probate and take a while. Many families go crazy about wills and money to the point that it's not fixable. Nothing will be decided this soon.

    I am sorry all this is happening. Love and light.
     
  15. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    SWOT-Thanks. I appreciate it. I have pulled myself together. I am going to work behind the scenes. I know it will come down to me figuring out this mess for them.. I am going to the lawyer alone. I have a picture of this will. When they ask me I will have information for them. I will not mention it to them again unless they ask me. I wonder if son isn't a bit angry at me for allowing the estrangement. I don't know. But I believed then and now it was in his best interest. I know my older son and feel sure it's a matter of time before he and step mom will butt heads. I have a meeting at the courthouse today with the clerk of court. There is something about claiming 5000.00 for minor child. I didn't know about this. She had told me. I'm just going to give young son space. Those boys know I love them. They'll be back around. It is amazing to me that while I feel empathy for my ex's family. And how he and I had a real hate, get along ok relationship most of the time. I could always pick up the phone and call him. I would update him on achievements of my younger son and we would talk and argue about my older addicted son. The sudden disappearance of the ability to talk to him. I myself am surprised by my grief. I have had flashbacks for days of our young married life. More bad times than good, but flashbacks nonetheless. He would have made fun of me saying this. Can't really express this to current spouse. Feel it would make him feel less. He certainly is not. He is my rock.