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Substance Abuse
Teetering on the edge
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 760431" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Hi. Sorry for your heartache. It probably seems like an unbelievable story to you but it's common in the disease of addiction. Addiction is a family disease and everyone is affected. I've been in Nar Anon for people with addicted loved ones for years and it helped me so much. It's on Zoom and email too.</p><p></p><p>Addiction, like your son and.my daughter, is not in any way something we the parents can control or cure not can we force sobriety and better choices by nagging and threatening or excusing bad choices. Good for you for not bailing your son out of jail. That's how we need to be.</p><p></p><p>We did not CAUSE our child's disease, we can not CONTROL it's course or CURE our beloved child. But we can change OUR lives and thrive even with addicted loved ones. We have. Took us ten years! Daughter, married to horrible husband (we have no control over their love lives, is in her middle 30s. Be happy your son works. Lee and Kay are lazy addicts.</p><p></p><p>We have no control over our adult addicts. None. This is not an illness we can help with chicken soup and it does cause puzzling, frustrating behavior that we will never understand.</p><p></p><p>Only the addict can decide to quit. Even.our bribing them into rehab won't make them do the hard work needed for them to get and stay clean. Don't spend all your money (we spent toouch) and try to learn to take care of yourself. You have no control over anyone but YOU. You can't control children, spouses, the weather, things that pop up like COVID....our only control is over how we decide to deal with our own lives. That's really all we can control. Nar Anon and private therapy both saved our own lives. We learned to take care of us first. It felt selfish at first but it's not. We also learned to foster healthy relationships with well balanced lived ones and friends whom we ignored for Kay. We rekindled our marriage, found hobbies and bought a wonderful escape cottage on the water.</p><p></p><p>Kay and her choices are not up to me nor do I need to tell her how she hurts herself. She already knows and will hang up on us and get nasty if we try to "help" her. I wish it were not this way but they are adults even if immature and don't respond to our badgering. Often they just stop engaging which can be good for us as well as them. Do not talk to them if they are being abusive or asking for money unless you are up to it. We are no longer up to it...ever.</p><p></p><p>Kay lives in an old motorhome with Lee in AZ last we heard. Lee is a part time pizza worker and Kay never works. She was not raised to be lazy...we have a family business and she worked there a few months but swore at customers etc and can't. She won't be civilized and Lee and Kay fight in front of people.</p><p></p><p>We bought Kay a house, a mobile home and helped her pay rent when she.blew all that by bad behavior and not paying small amounts to us.</p><p></p><p>I highly recommend a form of Al Anon and private therapy. This saved us. It did not change Kay but WE no longer are always stressed and have time for.our.other loved ones and ourselves. I don't know how anyone does this without outside help. Al Anon is free.</p><p></p><p>If God is in your.life ask Him to take care of your son. I send.orayers and love. Keep us updated. Please focus on YOU because you can help YOU, but not him. I know you tried. Be well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 760431, member: 23706"] Hi. Sorry for your heartache. It probably seems like an unbelievable story to you but it's common in the disease of addiction. Addiction is a family disease and everyone is affected. I've been in Nar Anon for people with addicted loved ones for years and it helped me so much. It's on Zoom and email too. Addiction, like your son and.my daughter, is not in any way something we the parents can control or cure not can we force sobriety and better choices by nagging and threatening or excusing bad choices. Good for you for not bailing your son out of jail. That's how we need to be. We did not CAUSE our child's disease, we can not CONTROL it's course or CURE our beloved child. But we can change OUR lives and thrive even with addicted loved ones. We have. Took us ten years! Daughter, married to horrible husband (we have no control over their love lives, is in her middle 30s. Be happy your son works. Lee and Kay are lazy addicts. We have no control over our adult addicts. None. This is not an illness we can help with chicken soup and it does cause puzzling, frustrating behavior that we will never understand. Only the addict can decide to quit. Even.our bribing them into rehab won't make them do the hard work needed for them to get and stay clean. Don't spend all your money (we spent toouch) and try to learn to take care of yourself. You have no control over anyone but YOU. You can't control children, spouses, the weather, things that pop up like COVID....our only control is over how we decide to deal with our own lives. That's really all we can control. Nar Anon and private therapy both saved our own lives. We learned to take care of us first. It felt selfish at first but it's not. We also learned to foster healthy relationships with well balanced lived ones and friends whom we ignored for Kay. We rekindled our marriage, found hobbies and bought a wonderful escape cottage on the water. Kay and her choices are not up to me nor do I need to tell her how she hurts herself. She already knows and will hang up on us and get nasty if we try to "help" her. I wish it were not this way but they are adults even if immature and don't respond to our badgering. Often they just stop engaging which can be good for us as well as them. Do not talk to them if they are being abusive or asking for money unless you are up to it. We are no longer up to it...ever. Kay lives in an old motorhome with Lee in AZ last we heard. Lee is a part time pizza worker and Kay never works. She was not raised to be lazy...we have a family business and she worked there a few months but swore at customers etc and can't. She won't be civilized and Lee and Kay fight in front of people. We bought Kay a house, a mobile home and helped her pay rent when she.blew all that by bad behavior and not paying small amounts to us. I highly recommend a form of Al Anon and private therapy. This saved us. It did not change Kay but WE no longer are always stressed and have time for.our.other loved ones and ourselves. I don't know how anyone does this without outside help. Al Anon is free. If God is in your.life ask Him to take care of your son. I send.orayers and love. Keep us updated. Please focus on YOU because you can help YOU, but not him. I know you tried. Be well. [/QUOTE]
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