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Teetering on the edge
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<blockquote data-quote="C Han" data-source="post: 760439" data-attributes="member: 27504"><p>Having a person in the family with addictions is hard. I'm glad that you have two other children that bring you joy. We often times go above and beyond for our troubled children thinking that MAYBE we can set a new course, but truthfully it's rarely, if ever, true. My son hasn't been to visit us in over two years. We live about 3 hours away, and he used to come regularly. However, he is on probation pending a DWI hearing (for the first one), and he would have to pass a urine test for alcohol before and after leaving his area. He can't pass because he is drinking. DUH. We finally figured that out. So, it's hard to not think that he loves beer more than he loves us, because I know that his addiction is bigger than he is, but it still hurts. We drive to his city to see him on occasion, but he will meet us for lunch or a picnic, or whatever, but we never have in depth discussions about anything. It's almost as if I am meeting a stranger, and we talk pleasantries. Nothing more.</p><p></p><p>I was a single parent with him from when he was 10 years old, and when he was 20, I got remarried to a wonderful man that didn't have children of his own. He took my son in like his biological child, he said that he knew that we were a package deal. He paid for his college, (wanted me to quit spending my retirement), bought a condo for him to live, gave him a car and spending money. He also changed his will so that every single thing he owns goes to my son, because he said that Preston deserved a break in life, and he was going to give it to him. Still brings tears to my eyes, I never knew that kind of love. My son acts like he could care less. He doesn't know anything about gratitude, or how to have a healthy relationship with anyone. His reply is, "I didn't ask you to do that." We don't ever, ever remind him of what we have done for him, but if something comes up about any issue regarding money, this is his go to response. It breaks both of our hearts terribly. I have quit giving him money, I learned that anything that I could give to him, he could spend, but his life never improved.</p><p></p><p>Whenever he goes on a tirade, or accuses me of "negating" him, or minimizing him, I have to set a boundary and not engage his attack. I think I learned to not argue with him, and to not raise my voice when he gets mean. I have learned to stay calm and maintain my composure, because I learned that when he spews vitriol at me, he is really unhappy with himself. He tries to project his unhappiness toward me, but I've learned that if he can behave so horribly toward another human being, he must feel really awful inside-and that's not my problem, it's his. He knows that I love him and that I care about his life, but he is also angry that I've done a lot of emotional work to heal wounds, and I am in a loving, healthy relationship. He knows that he can have the same, but is too lazy to do the work. Once when he was in middle school, (I was a single homeowner, went back to college and also worked) he told me that he never wanted to grow up, all adults ever did was work! So, alcoholism is an easier solution to him to "handle" life, instead of getting off his butt and doing the emotional work required to fix what ever is so dang broken. </p><p></p><p>Preston is on a crash course to disaster. He is still drinking, and driving....I keep incessantly praying that he doesn't kill an innocent person. He is inevitably going to lose his great job, because there's no way that he can compartmentalize his behavior, his employer has to see that he is a train wreck in progress. So, when that happens, hopefully he will find his bottom, he clearly isn't there yet. We will no longer bail him out of jail, pay for attorneys, or any other means to lessen the impact of his fall. Yes, I would feed him if he were hungry, or if he needed medical attention, but he is going to suffer the consequences of whatever wrath lies ahead of him.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for your words about Al Anon. I did attend their meetings for a few months. It was a 35 mile drive, one way, and I felt that I wasn't receiving the nurturing that my soul was craving there. It was a very small group, and because Al Anon teaches "no crosstalk", I felt that I was not progressing forward. We read from the books and recited all the mantras, but I didn't want to drive that far in order to sit in such structure, it wasn't what I was searching for. So, I subscribed to Audible, and began listening to self help books on the subject. My new year resolution was that this topic was ALL I was going to listen to this year. It's been a godsend, and I've learned so much. I also have a good support group of friends that I can talk to about this, in addition to my precious husband that is right in the trenches with me. </p><p></p><p>I appreciate your note, and I have great compassion for the struggles you are enduring with your daughter. It is nice to know that there's someone out there that understands this madness. In a sea of what I call "Facebook Happy", where everyone posts their triumphs and victories, it's nice to know that real life isn't always such a neat little package. Let's stand together and be strong support for each other.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="C Han, post: 760439, member: 27504"] Having a person in the family with addictions is hard. I'm glad that you have two other children that bring you joy. We often times go above and beyond for our troubled children thinking that MAYBE we can set a new course, but truthfully it's rarely, if ever, true. My son hasn't been to visit us in over two years. We live about 3 hours away, and he used to come regularly. However, he is on probation pending a DWI hearing (for the first one), and he would have to pass a urine test for alcohol before and after leaving his area. He can't pass because he is drinking. DUH. We finally figured that out. So, it's hard to not think that he loves beer more than he loves us, because I know that his addiction is bigger than he is, but it still hurts. We drive to his city to see him on occasion, but he will meet us for lunch or a picnic, or whatever, but we never have in depth discussions about anything. It's almost as if I am meeting a stranger, and we talk pleasantries. Nothing more. I was a single parent with him from when he was 10 years old, and when he was 20, I got remarried to a wonderful man that didn't have children of his own. He took my son in like his biological child, he said that he knew that we were a package deal. He paid for his college, (wanted me to quit spending my retirement), bought a condo for him to live, gave him a car and spending money. He also changed his will so that every single thing he owns goes to my son, because he said that Preston deserved a break in life, and he was going to give it to him. Still brings tears to my eyes, I never knew that kind of love. My son acts like he could care less. He doesn't know anything about gratitude, or how to have a healthy relationship with anyone. His reply is, "I didn't ask you to do that." We don't ever, ever remind him of what we have done for him, but if something comes up about any issue regarding money, this is his go to response. It breaks both of our hearts terribly. I have quit giving him money, I learned that anything that I could give to him, he could spend, but his life never improved. Whenever he goes on a tirade, or accuses me of "negating" him, or minimizing him, I have to set a boundary and not engage his attack. I think I learned to not argue with him, and to not raise my voice when he gets mean. I have learned to stay calm and maintain my composure, because I learned that when he spews vitriol at me, he is really unhappy with himself. He tries to project his unhappiness toward me, but I've learned that if he can behave so horribly toward another human being, he must feel really awful inside-and that's not my problem, it's his. He knows that I love him and that I care about his life, but he is also angry that I've done a lot of emotional work to heal wounds, and I am in a loving, healthy relationship. He knows that he can have the same, but is too lazy to do the work. Once when he was in middle school, (I was a single homeowner, went back to college and also worked) he told me that he never wanted to grow up, all adults ever did was work! So, alcoholism is an easier solution to him to "handle" life, instead of getting off his butt and doing the emotional work required to fix what ever is so dang broken. Preston is on a crash course to disaster. He is still drinking, and driving....I keep incessantly praying that he doesn't kill an innocent person. He is inevitably going to lose his great job, because there's no way that he can compartmentalize his behavior, his employer has to see that he is a train wreck in progress. So, when that happens, hopefully he will find his bottom, he clearly isn't there yet. We will no longer bail him out of jail, pay for attorneys, or any other means to lessen the impact of his fall. Yes, I would feed him if he were hungry, or if he needed medical attention, but he is going to suffer the consequences of whatever wrath lies ahead of him. Thank you for your words about Al Anon. I did attend their meetings for a few months. It was a 35 mile drive, one way, and I felt that I wasn't receiving the nurturing that my soul was craving there. It was a very small group, and because Al Anon teaches "no crosstalk", I felt that I was not progressing forward. We read from the books and recited all the mantras, but I didn't want to drive that far in order to sit in such structure, it wasn't what I was searching for. So, I subscribed to Audible, and began listening to self help books on the subject. My new year resolution was that this topic was ALL I was going to listen to this year. It's been a godsend, and I've learned so much. I also have a good support group of friends that I can talk to about this, in addition to my precious husband that is right in the trenches with me. I appreciate your note, and I have great compassion for the struggles you are enduring with your daughter. It is nice to know that there's someone out there that understands this madness. In a sea of what I call "Facebook Happy", where everyone posts their triumphs and victories, it's nice to know that real life isn't always such a neat little package. Let's stand together and be strong support for each other. [/QUOTE]
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