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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 676053" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>I really think there is a lot of misunderstanding out there what is meant by detaching.... For me it does not mean you stop loving the person. It doesn't even mean you stop helping the person if that makes sense. To me it means you detach from being (or trying to be) responsible for them and the consequences of their actions. It means detaching from the outcome of their choices and making sure you take care of yourself. I think some people think it means cutting people off, and cutting all ties or cutting off all contact and I don't think the hat is what they are talking about at all. Yes there are situations and cases where it does make sense to cut off contact especially if someone is still using.</p><p></p><p>But for me so far it has not meant that. Even when my son was on the streets in the middle of winter we talked to him when he called and like I said in another post got him a sleeping bag. </p><p></p><p>So I think many people misunderstand the term detachment or detachment with love.</p><p></p><p>I do believe that maintaining a connection if possible is helpful for the addict and I do think them knowing they are still loved is also helpful. At one point when my son was in jail I thought to myself..... The one thing that his helping him not become a hardened criminal is the love of his mother and I think that is true..... And yet I have also had to detach. I will not survive if my whole life is tied up with his success.</p><p></p><p>The other day I heart a discussion about "you are only as happy as your unhappiest child" and that idea drives me bonkers! I mean honestly if you believe that and go by that then your kids are probably ok. Most of us on this list would be totally miserable all the time if we went by that idea. Really I would not survive if I spent my life only being as happy as my unhappiest child!! I need to detach my happiness and my life from all of his problems.... I cannot be embroiled in them all the time. That is not healthy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 676053, member: 15801"] I really think there is a lot of misunderstanding out there what is meant by detaching.... For me it does not mean you stop loving the person. It doesn't even mean you stop helping the person if that makes sense. To me it means you detach from being (or trying to be) responsible for them and the consequences of their actions. It means detaching from the outcome of their choices and making sure you take care of yourself. I think some people think it means cutting people off, and cutting all ties or cutting off all contact and I don't think the hat is what they are talking about at all. Yes there are situations and cases where it does make sense to cut off contact especially if someone is still using. But for me so far it has not meant that. Even when my son was on the streets in the middle of winter we talked to him when he called and like I said in another post got him a sleeping bag. So I think many people misunderstand the term detachment or detachment with love. I do believe that maintaining a connection if possible is helpful for the addict and I do think them knowing they are still loved is also helpful. At one point when my son was in jail I thought to myself..... The one thing that his helping him not become a hardened criminal is the love of his mother and I think that is true..... And yet I have also had to detach. I will not survive if my whole life is tied up with his success. The other day I heart a discussion about "you are only as happy as your unhappiest child" and that idea drives me bonkers! I mean honestly if you believe that and go by that then your kids are probably ok. Most of us on this list would be totally miserable all the time if we went by that idea. Really I would not survive if I spent my life only being as happy as my unhappiest child!! I need to detach my happiness and my life from all of his problems.... I cannot be embroiled in them all the time. That is not healthy. [/QUOTE]
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