Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, May 6, 2015.
I'm sure lots of us are worried about you.
We all have our issues from time to time. Speak up Terry!
Worried about you girl.
Terry, I have been thinking about you over the last week. Come back and touch base so we know, even though stuff is really rough and tough, that you are hanging there girl.
Terry, I'm not a big poster since my child was little. He's going to be a teenager this year. I am a reader though and have followed you and many others further along in the journey than I. I, as others, have been concerned about you and hope that you update when you can. We do care. Take the best of care.
I agree @TerryJ2 Would love you to post. We've been thinking of you!
My sciatica comes and goes. It's better, but I still can't walk 3 miles like I want to. The pain patch allergic reaction has healed.
Cousin P is still alive. I have no idea how she does it. She's been in hospice for several wks.
My daughter graduated and I drove to Difficult Child for the ceremony. It was a great weekend.
difficult child stayed home and "watched" the house. We had cousins and friends stop by to keep an eye on him. He changed the kitty litter, took the dogs out, fed himself, watered the plants, never used the cars (we hid the keys, and checked the mileage) and took his medications all except for the last day.
My expectations were very low: I didn't want the house to burn down, and didn't want any parties. Mission accomplished.
difficult child is still looking for a job. I had him do chores to earn $25 the other day so he could pay back D's mom for their dr co-pay. He still owes them $50. I told him he's got to show me two job applications a day, either on his phone or on paper.
He still does not have his phone back.
He is still titrating up on new medications, in addition to staying on his lithium. He seems to be over the hump of going off of Adderall. His focus is back just a little. But it's not as good as it was when he was on it. But his anxiety is slightly better.
He has, for the most part, ditched his pothead friends.
Nothing else has been stolen. They have not been over here. Everything is kept locked.
I gave him the car on Sunday to visit his ex-girlfriend 1 mile way. He had originally (Saturday) asked to go to another city to visit his new girlfriend, H. (She rotates work ins 3 store locations.) I said no.
When I gave him the car, it was a test to see if he could resist driving all that way. I figured he was just saying he'd visit the new girlfriend but not planning on it. The next day, I checked the mileage. 68.1 Yep, he drove all the way there and back.
husband and I both got on his case but I don't think he "got it." He doesn't understand the trust issue. He became the victim. And he shut down and clammed up.
But I know he'll talk again when he wants something.
Ex girlfriend's mom has been taking her to adoption places and the dr. Ex girlfriend is waffling on placement. I'm hoping that's a normal thing. She is going to home school through the computer because she keeps throwing up and passing out.
I have been waiting for the right moment to talk to H about using BC.
Be careful what you wish for ... the moment arrived today.
The lawn maintenance people were here so it was noisy. difficult child and H did not hear me come inside. I found H's keys on the LR table. The kids were nowhere to be found. Downstairs.
I found them in difficult child's room ... he has no door. For good reason.
The kids fluttered and flew and scattered.
I said, "We have to talk about birth control. Now."
difficult child yelled, "We were using a condom!"
I said, "That's not good enough. I want birth control pills."
And I went downstairs and took H's keys so they couldn't leave until we'd talked.
H still believes the rumors she has heard. Love is not only blind, it's retarded.
So they went downstairs and H went outside. difficult child met me in the kitchen and went ballistic and yelled at me to give him H's keys and he nearly decked me. "She has to leave. NOW! She has to go to work!" he yelled.
I finally got him to let me out the door.
I handed H the keys and told her that I would pay for BC and we could go to another city where no one knows her.
I said, "What you're doing isn't good enough. No one has to know. We'll find a dr out of town."
She said we could talk later. I could tell she'd been crying. (I have her phone # so I'll make sure we do talk later.)
I sat on a lawn chair for a few min to calm down, and then walked around the house.
difficult child and H were sitting in her car talking in the driveway.
"I thought you had to go to work."
She shook her head. "No, not right now. No. Yes, I do, but no, I mean ..."
I will give her a few days to calm down before I call.
I do not want two grandchildren this year.
by the way, difficult child's therapist said that renting a room for difficult child is not a good idea. He would become too isolated. He suggested a regular apt. with-friends who are roommates. (Obviously, not the friends from this past winter.) I visited the therapist by myself last week to get ideas.
We are working on 1) getting difficult child through the school yr. right now. 2) And getting a job.
Oops, typo ... "believes the rumors she has heard," should be she "still does NOT believe the rumors."
A graduation.......how wonderful.
difficult child passed his history SOL test.
Five more to go.
Okay, I don't mean to make waves...but aren't "the rumors" about the baby and the venereal disease?
Does this mean she doesn't believe those? She doesn't believe he's the father or that he had chlamydia? That would mean she hasn't been tested? Given that they're (obviously - you poor thing) sexually active, this is a bad thing.
I'm glad other things have gone okay.
Lil, I actually typed in that sentence two different ways so that it would make sense, lol.
The whole thing doesn't make sense, so I have no idea why I thought that syntax would matter.
The girlfriend, H, has been hearing "rumors" at school, which say that difficult child and exgf had chlamidia and that she is pregnant.
The rumors are facts.
The facts/rumors actually came from the guy who gave exgf chlamidia. I guess he was bragging. Ick. And they all know who gave it to him.
(Sheesh, they all keep track of these kids but they all think that nobody really knows it?)
So, from what I understand, H is struggling with the information, and allowing herself to be snowed by difficult child.
They were on the phone last night (this is a phone that she has loaned him!--the other two phones went away, back to their owners) for over an hour, and I couldn't hear the words, but I could tell that he was arguing and negotiating.
I also see, online, (just now) that he skipped two classes this a.m.
We (difficult child, husband and I) had a talk the other night and he is severely depressed (biological plus situational) and he is not thinking clearly. The therapist told me to keep him grounded in reality. Scary stuff. difficult child has built this fortress and it is about to come crumbling down.
We have an appointment Monday, thank doG.
We also have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday. I think we should change the medications or at least, up the lithium. difficult child is refusing to take his clonidine. That's sad, because it really helps. difficult child is back to the point where he explodes if a sandwich isn't made the way he expected it to be. I remember when he was little and he exploded one night because I made spaghetti instead of chicken because I had frozen the wrong meat. I knew then that he had Asperger's but didn't realize he also had bipolar (dysthymia, or whatever it ends up being called).
What I want the therapist and husband to help me out with is to keep difficult child grounded in reality, but also make him understand that even though he is sick, he is still responsible for his actions. All he sees/thinks is people ganging up on him and taking away things. And then he shuts down. He doesn't "get it." I'm wondering if he will end up hospitalized this summer ...
I'm off to get a massage, and then visit Cousin P. I have to get her pain medications increased; she has such a high tolerance to medications. She's been in hospice for 2 or 3 wks now. I've lost track. Sudoku and "Criminal Minds" are a big part of my life when I visit her.
Ack! He has been home all day. Right after I posted the note above, I found him downstairs on the couch. Sick.
Wheat and cheese and cigarettes.
I won't buy it so his exgf's mom buys them junk food and brings it over. We give it back to her and tell her not to do it.
she does it anyway. And then she wonders why her daughter didn't listen when it came to bcontrol.
Are you paying for this toys? Is he looking for a job yet?
I'm glad H. knows about the STD.
I'm sorry your son is a mess. However, I think it is more drugs and his own behaviors than mental illness. I had depression all my life and never lost touch with reality. That's not a part of depression. Don't lose yourself by feeling that he can't do better. He can and should. His therapist doesn't sound too hot. Is he seeing a psychiatrist?
Hugs. We missed you lots!
Glad you checked back in!
I was worried that you had abandoned us!
I don't have much time right now, but did want to back up what SWOT said: your son's therapist may not be seeing the bigger picture. I would think about getting a second opinion.
When is girlfriend due, if you care to say?
Good idea ... we see the therapist tomorrow (Monday) and the psychiatrist Tuesday. So, yes, he does have a psychiatrist.
I will tell them both.
The exgf is due in Sept.
Yes, he is still looking for a job. He sent in an application yesterday, and one last wk. I told him I want 1 or 2 a day. There is a lot of competition, especially this time of yr.
I will test him tomorrow night for drugs. A home-kit. We'll have the results for the psychiatrist. He usually writes a scrip for a test, but he didn't think that the THC would be out of difficult child's system by the time we came back. Even so, it's worth $38 to show difficult child that we're still watching him. We can talk and talk, but unless we "do" something, he doesn't get it.
Like every healthcare professional, the doctors/therapists in our lives judge their diagnosis and treatment by what we tell them. They are not magically able to figure out what we won't say. If you go to a doctor for a sore throat, but have been passing out lately, and skip the passing out part, the doctor will not have a complete picture and will only treat the sore throat.
I've been in therapy since age 23. I gained so much from it that words can't express the gratitude I feel. Sometimes I had a therapist who was a bad fit or didn't "get" me and I'd not return and look for a better fit. Therapists are like shoes (lol, but true). If the shoe doesn't fit, if it's too tight or too loose, it can hurt your foot and making walking hard. If a therapist is not a good connection, the person may not only not get better...the person may get worse.
Whatever your son tells t he therapist, which you are not able to access because of his age, is what the therapist knows and not a thing more. Our health professionals re only as good as the information they receive.
That goes for our Difficult Child too. We only know what we either catch them doing, read on their FB and cell phones or what they tell us. Everything else is a guess. Usually they leave important pieces out and become quite good at telling us what we want to hear and even behaving if it gets them some sort of monetary benefit.
In a small town, my daughter just got a job in a nursing home for a good salary. You can get jobs. You do have to try and to put on a good appearance. There are lots of fast food places hiring too out here. Usually you can find a two bit job if you try.
Some drugs don't show up on drug tests and the adult kids know how and when to use drugs that DO show up so that they don't show up on tests. Or they just use drugs that don't show up.
Beware, beware, beware.
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