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Text message from Difficult Child that may make you laugh (I hope so)
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 665292" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>With the forum's help, I was able to label my son's (and some of our daughter's behaviors, too) as abusive manipulations targeted specifically to my vulnerabilities.</p><p></p><p>Specifically.</p><p></p><p>After much time here on the site, I was able to realize my son had tried many different kinds of accusations but stuck with and came to believe the validity of, those that worked. Because they hurt me, because I wondered if that was "it".</p><p></p><p>If that was the thing I had done to him; if that was where I had gone wrong and could now work to correct.</p><p></p><p>I apologized for abandoning him when his sister was in such trouble.</p><p></p><p>I explained why we had not put him in treatment before he was old enough to refuse it ~ which he was doing routinely by the time we got it that it was drugs at the core of what was happening to him.</p><p></p><p>Serenity posted an article on abusive adult children.</p><p></p><p>And at first, I couldn't see it.</p><p></p><p>And then I could.</p><p></p><p>So, I confronted son with what he said. I said: NO MONEY</p><p></p><p>That's the thing. It always comes down to money; they will hurt us as deeply as they have to, to bring us into submission, to get us on their page, and to get...money. </p><p></p><p>Money.</p><p></p><p>That is not our son talking; our son would not do that to us. That is the addiction talking. It is crucial for us to remember that very important thing.</p><p></p><p>Not our son. We cannot respond to our addicted child in the same way we would respond, were he not addicted.</p><p></p><p>To do so is to enable; to enable is to ensure our own eventual moral and financial destruction, along with any possible value we may have had in helping our addicted kids stop using.</p><p></p><p>It took me so many years to accept the truth of this.</p><p></p><p>My son is standing up. Wobbly, many back turnings, but he is doing it. Just as I had to let him fall as a toddler learning to walk, I am willing to let him fall now so he can walk himself out of this whole morass of drug use and drug culture and the lack of empathy or integrity that attends it.</p><p></p><p>I think you and D H are handling it well. These are very hard things. I like it that D H verified the reality of whatever it was that happened when he was coaching. My take on it is that son hates remembering his father <em>did love him, did coach his team, and was respected and cherished for the man he is by son's peers who are not using drugs and have lives they are proud of, today. In part, because D H was their coach in that time. </em>Those memories would put the lie to everything son claims to be true now, so he created a falsehood about the quality of the coaching because that was the only place there was room to lie, to hurt D H and cause him to question what he knows to be true.</p><p></p><p>And it worked, too.</p><p></p><p>But D H did validate what he knew was true.</p><p></p><p>I like the integrity in that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I agree with Copa that son will have seen this as a challenge. I disagree that it was challenging him to say so. We need to be true to ourselves and to our kids. There are standards of respect in relationship or the relationship is abusive. In essence, that is what you said: When you are again the man we raised you to be, the man you know, in your heart, that you are, then and only then, will we welcome you. What you are choosing now is unacceptable. Nothing is over. No doors have closed irrevocably <em>but we will not be abused. </em></p><p></p><p>The unspoken truth here is: Neither will we be party to your abusing yourself.</p><p></p><p>That is a difficult true thing to see.</p><p></p><p>It took me something like twenty years.</p><p></p><p>Addiction is a nasty, destructive thing. This helps me: It is not my son who is bad. It is not me who is bad. It is the situation that is bad and so very, very wrong and unfair.</p><p></p><p>But it is what it is, and we have to look at it.</p><p></p><p>It's a very hard thing.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 665292, member: 17461"] With the forum's help, I was able to label my son's (and some of our daughter's behaviors, too) as abusive manipulations targeted specifically to my vulnerabilities. Specifically. After much time here on the site, I was able to realize my son had tried many different kinds of accusations but stuck with and came to believe the validity of, those that worked. Because they hurt me, because I wondered if that was "it". If that was the thing I had done to him; if that was where I had gone wrong and could now work to correct. I apologized for abandoning him when his sister was in such trouble. I explained why we had not put him in treatment before he was old enough to refuse it ~ which he was doing routinely by the time we got it that it was drugs at the core of what was happening to him. Serenity posted an article on abusive adult children. And at first, I couldn't see it. And then I could. So, I confronted son with what he said. I said: NO MONEY That's the thing. It always comes down to money; they will hurt us as deeply as they have to, to bring us into submission, to get us on their page, and to get...money. Money. That is not our son talking; our son would not do that to us. That is the addiction talking. It is crucial for us to remember that very important thing. Not our son. We cannot respond to our addicted child in the same way we would respond, were he not addicted. To do so is to enable; to enable is to ensure our own eventual moral and financial destruction, along with any possible value we may have had in helping our addicted kids stop using. It took me so many years to accept the truth of this. My son is standing up. Wobbly, many back turnings, but he is doing it. Just as I had to let him fall as a toddler learning to walk, I am willing to let him fall now so he can walk himself out of this whole morass of drug use and drug culture and the lack of empathy or integrity that attends it. I think you and D H are handling it well. These are very hard things. I like it that D H verified the reality of whatever it was that happened when he was coaching. My take on it is that son hates remembering his father [I]did love him, did coach his team, and was respected and cherished for the man he is by son's peers who are not using drugs and have lives they are proud of, today. In part, because D H was their coach in that time. [/I]Those memories would put the lie to everything son claims to be true now, so he created a falsehood about the quality of the coaching because that was the only place there was room to lie, to hurt D H and cause him to question what he knows to be true. And it worked, too. But D H did validate what he knew was true. I like the integrity in that. I agree with Copa that son will have seen this as a challenge. I disagree that it was challenging him to say so. We need to be true to ourselves and to our kids. There are standards of respect in relationship or the relationship is abusive. In essence, that is what you said: When you are again the man we raised you to be, the man you know, in your heart, that you are, then and only then, will we welcome you. What you are choosing now is unacceptable. Nothing is over. No doors have closed irrevocably [I]but we will not be abused. [/I] The unspoken truth here is: Neither will we be party to your abusing yourself. That is a difficult true thing to see. It took me something like twenty years. Addiction is a nasty, destructive thing. This helps me: It is not my son who is bad. It is not me who is bad. It is the situation that is bad and so very, very wrong and unfair. But it is what it is, and we have to look at it. It's a very hard thing. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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