Thank you all for the concern

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by jal, Jul 29, 2010.

  1. jal

    jal Member

    I apologize for not being back earlier. I am more of a lurker than a poster, but that night I needed to shout out. I was probably premature in doing so, but so filled with anger and hurt and confusion about what I should do, plus I don't have anyone to share something like that with.

    Our stress has been building for years. I always say the sun doesn't shine on me it just sh*Tourette's Syndrome on me... I don't feel that way always, but a lot lately. difficult child's been a nut after so long doing so well - but that's another thread.

    It came to a head in a way that is unacceptable. We both know that. I think we have become so unemotional due to dealing with everything that is going on in our lives and not going the way we would hope that we have internalized that so much so that it had to blow. We have really not caught any type of break on any level in the past 7 years.

    We are starting to talk again. Really talk. This is the man I have been with for 20 years, since we were 18. He is the kindest man in the world and would do anything for anyone, but we do all have our breaking points. I'm not condoning what happened, because we both were at fault.

    I thank you all for your concern and am sorry to have worried you.

    On a nice note difficult child turned 8 today. He had a good day. Tomorrow I am taking the day off and we are all going to his favorite amusement park. He is conked now (TG!), but excited for tomorrow.

    Thank you.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks for letting us know! I think it's safe to say that we all understand and it's fine to lurk more than post, but we were just worried and hoped you would touch base to let us know you were ok. I'm glad you are working thru this- it can be so hard sometimes to deal with family problems, especially when a difficult child is a part of the family. If you are not comfortable posting details, it's ok. Sometimes a simple "I'm here and ok" is plenty to relieve other people's worries. The main thing is that you ARE ok- so thanks again for letting us know!
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Jal, thanks for checking in. I'm so relieved that you're okay.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for checking in Jal!! I'm glad you are o.k. Enjoy the amusement park tomorrow!
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Glad you're OK...I was worried, too.
  6. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    Jal, I don't know you but I am so glad to see your post.

    I want to share some things from my own past, just in case anything strikes a chord. Since I don't know you or your situation, I hope that will help you understand I mean this in no way as a claim to know what your situation is.

    My own situation is that I was in an abusive, controlling marriage for a number of years. The patterns were so subtle, I didn't see them until years down the pike, with a lot of soul-searching, counseling, and reading. Tension would build over time, explode in some fashion, and then there would be an apologetic, "honeymoon" period, where I once again had exactly the man I longed for. Over time, he learned better and better just how to reel me in after an explosion, what to say and do to most effectively "melt" me into believing what I really WANTED to believe. That it really wasn't so bad. He didn't mean it. I surely said or did something wrong to cause the explosion. That I could be a better wife somehow. That it was really my fault after all, for making him angry, misinterpreting something he said or did. Etc. This pattern took hold much more easily since the abuse was not the dramatic battering that lands a woman in the emergency room. Since it wasn't THAT, I even had trouble convincing myself that my situation qualified as "abuse." I knew I was miserable much of the time, and FELT like I was being abused, but since I had no bruises to show, I even felt GUILTY for thinking that way. I didn't have the "battle wounds" to justify those feelings and must surely be blowing things out of proportion.

    Over time, I became more and more confused. I had no confidence in my capability to correctly separate reality from illusion. I felt as if I were in a "house of mirrors" where I did not know what was real and had no faith in my perceptions. It was much easier for me to allow him to define reality for me than to look directly at my situation. Over time, I became so deeply invested in the relationship. I certainly did not want to admit to myself or to anybody else that, not only was I in an abusive situation, but that I had allowed it to go in circles for so many years. Tension build, explosion, then the appearance of the "prince" I thought I had married.

    Central to my pattern as well as the patterns of many other people I have spoken to or read about, is the minimizing what happened, questioning my memory and/or interpretation of what happened, allowing him to define my reality because I was too confused to have any confidence in my own perceptions.

    One of the most valuable pieces of advice I ever got from a counselor, when I was in a great deal of emotional pain, feeling I had to do something but did not know which way to turn, was.... "Do nothing for now except observe. Take notes somewhere inside. Look for patterns and see if you can predict what will happen next as you go along." I'd already heard several times from him, "I can't believe you haven't been in this place before. What do you THINK will happen next?"

    The counselor took the pressure off when he asked me to do nothing. I watched. I learned to trust myself a little bit, as I saw that I WAS able to identify patterns. That I WAS able to predict next moves. That I was NOT as incapable as I'd come to believe I was. I recognized more and more of the specific tools that were serving the purpose of keeping me off balance and firmly under his control. I remember so well, in one of the early counseling appointments, saying, "I FEEL like I'm being abused. Do YOU think it's right to call it abuse?" Nothing was truth for me at that time, until somebody validated FOR me, what was real.

    Jal, it may be that none of this applies to you at all, but I felt compeled to share it anyway. I'll definitely be thinking of you and hoping to see posts from you every now and then. TAKE CARE OF YOU!
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Aw Jal, thanks so much for checking in. I'm relieved that you're okay and happy that you and H are going to work this out together.

    Take care and hugs.
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I'm glad you're okay... have fun tomorrow! Happy Birthday difficult child!
  9. Bean

    Bean Member

    Hope you enjoyed the birthday, and glad you checked in. Be well...
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Good to hear from you, Jal. Even my husband was worried. He rang me today while I was out, to tell me you had posted at last.

    This is family, a good family. We care. And if you prefer to lurk, that is OK too. Just do what works for you. husband is mostly a lurker as well.

  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Jal - thank you for checking in with us!!!!!

    I understand how things feel right now... Please, lurk, post, whatever. Just let us know from time to time.

  12. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    From a fellow "lurker more that poster"....Glad to know that you are doing better. I was worried too! I hope you guys are able to continue working things out. Sometimes having things come to a head and blow, opens the door for really good communication. I wish that for both of you.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Jal, thank you for checking back. I'm glad that things have calmed down and that you are able to talk now. I hope you two can get into counseling and keep talking and talking. And talking.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Sooooooo you don't have anyone to talk to huh? Nooobody? No one comes to mind? (looks around, looks up at the ceiling, around the CD board family room) No one that could POooooooosibly -drag that out for dramatic effect understand where you are, how you feel, what goes on with the family dynamic. Yuuuuup.
    ---Raises hand in obligitory question fashion. WHY then am I on three [puts up last three fingers on left hand] anti depressants? THREE (again said in dramatic tone).

    Listen sister - and I mean SISTER, not like SISTA...although you could be a sista, but then I couldn't care less if you were a sista or a (insert angelic sounds) Sister Jal. When you N.E.E.D. someone, we are here. This isn't just like some namby-pamby wishy washy - oh we don't care what happened to her board. Do you know how many people come here, and post and tell their story and then just disappear and the rest of us are like WHATEVER HAPPENED TO, I sure hope the kids are okay - I wish she would check in?

    YOU my dear woman, are not - REPEAT NOT...going to be one of those people. Yes life is difficult. Few things worth having are. Yes men can be difficult (sorry Margs man it is what it is not saying that I myself am not a complex and difficult creature just stating my p.o.v as a female) and a bevy of other unthinkable things that makes you just want to shake them until their teeth fall out. ABSOLUTELY no one said when your children were born that they would be like this; otherwise we'd have spent 9 months trying to put them back where they came from or at least give them back to the man in their most basic form - yeah get a visual on that why doncha - talk about birthcontrol.

    So....whatever it is that has kept you from US? I'm glad you have not stayed gone, and will continue to check with us for support and guidance and laughter, and wise and sound unbiased (pft) loving, sisterly and brotherly concern.

    Lest we come looking for you......mwah ha ha.....
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911


    From this day forward and for clarification purposes et al -

    When sun Sh*^s on you from now henceforth? It will be as it should have been - RAYS of BEAUTIFUL, BASKING, WARM, RADIANT LIGHT....

    Not hot, ploppy, scalding streams of doo doo.
  16. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Give him a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY from us and enjoy the day yourself. We all need to let it out and explode (from whichever orifice we choose) once in awhile!!!

    Thanks for checking in
  17. jal

    jal Member

    Star OMG, you are the one to make us all laugh even when it seems like we cannot. G*d bless ur heart. I always read your posts, and they up lift me, but never in my wildest would I think that I would be the receiver of one and I thank you. You made me laugh so I cried. As others have always said you should write a book. PS. I have a lot of connections if you choose to do so!

    As we all know Star has her way, but nothing can replace the love and concern that I have felt from all here.

    I know a lot of you don't know me, but I have been around for a long, long time. Even changing names when I forgot mine. Thank you all for everything. And I do mean that to each and everyone of you..