Thank you - Bio Dad.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Jan 4, 2010.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi Family,

    Well if stranger words were to ever come out of MY mouth they are fewer than those. If anyone had told me 15 years ago I'd be saying thanks to my x? I would have said "Yeah right."

    True colors were shown. Dude got to see 1st hand. ;)
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, is Dude taking it?
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You big tease!
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ok...splain Lucy!
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I'll TRY to be brief. (Not my strong suit)

    All these years I have spent protecting Dude from my x and his lifestyle. I told Dude and his anger that at 18 he could seek him out, look him up and do whatever he wanted. I never thought he would, but he did. (Remember the Thanksgiving trip?) - Funded by myself and DF as a Christmas present. Funded because Dude gave x a months notice and begged for $ for bus, train fare and it never came. (not surprised at all) So he went, came back and of course everyone was excited to see Dude. He came home with x's cousin by truck, dropped off - remember?? Named the puppy after my dead x mother in law? Lovely. :faint:

    So for between then and Christmas it's been - mmm? Hmm FUN. Not. We've had to listen to "My Daddy this, My Daddy that, You'll see!" etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. (King and I voice please) Everything came to a head, and finally Dude took his OWN paycheck, did not pay his probation and figured Daddy would reimburse him for the round trip excursion. (Ahhh brains are wasted on the aging) :smug: Daddy did his "Crying over the phone" skit again, with the manipulation of a master puppeteer in a depressed phone voice "I'm so worthless, please don't hate me, my ladies of the evening haven't been turning tricks, my pills haven't sold." (Yeah not kidding here folks - you have no idea) I want you here, but I have no money son." and Dude says "Don't worry, please don't get upset, I have it all covered, don't do this to yourself." (And I'm in the background nearly choking on my Christmas Spirit) Choking? Gagging. :ashamed:

    So WE pony up the money again - on the promise of Dudes boss paying me back the next day when he gets paid. (I got paid New Years Eve) And we once again trotted down to the midnight 2:00 AM drop off train station, said our goodbyes - left and went to the convenience store and got him a soda and a few munchies. Why? BECAUSE WE ARE DECENT PEOPLE and I wouldn't let anyone get on a 15 hour train ride without 5.oo on their pocket and nothing to eat or drink, and no cell phone. (Oh and DF put $15 on his cell for emergencies) Thats why.

    So he gets to FL.....and there is NO ONE there to get him. He sat there for three hours. Finally someone managed to come get him from an abandoned bus station on Christmas Eve. Nice. Not a relative. Nope - they already had checked him out (meaning me, and DF) and there was NO money involved - so kid ya' on ya' own. The car that they told him his Daddy was working "So So hard to get the money for - to buy him for CHristmas?" OMG what a joke THAT was. Yeah - the Uncle had told him that he got the Daddy a job with the other Uncle right - so that he could talk Dude out of a jacket that I had gotten Dude for a Christmas gift. (You would just never believe the junk that goes on here) It's a NASCAR jacket. So Dude tells him that it's his.....IT"S HIS.....he can't believe that he got his Dad a job with the other uncle who hates his Dad -so that Dad can get him that car. Oh wow OH GEE....Oh kiss kiss.....and then? Well the jacket is his....he'll never take it off.....the car? Never got to see it. NOT EVEN SEE IT. Dad's money? Spent on crack.

    And Daddy? Well lets just say - Daddy spent HIS time - Celebrating his Christmas festivities - in his YULEsual way. UP in smoke. Nothing has changed in over 25 years. Not a thing. Leaves 2 days before Christmas, pops in hung over and cracked out Christmas night - ruins everyones Christmas night - sleeps for 4 days, gets up, eats everything in site, bosses everyone around - DARES you to say something about what he's done to ruin his birthday your holiday or anyday. And since Dude was new to this - He said "I come all the way here to see you and you can't spend ANY time with me? NONE? ANd Daddy says??????

    WTX? Aren't YOU a MAN? What do you want from ME? I gave you $100.00 . You can't be up my #$% Why don't you go somewhere, do something. You need to grow up. And with that he left and Dude hasn't seen him since.

    Nice - x THANK YOU SO MUCH. Gosh - if it weren't for statements like that? I bet the boy would still be chasing you down wanting to have a meaningful relationship with you and continue to be a baby. Thanks for the favor.

    Dude saw him briefly for 15 minutes - Out of 2 weeks. I think that was 14 minutes and 45 seconds too much. 15 seconds to say - Heres 15 seconds to get $100 was maybe 14 seconds to many in 19 years.

    I called Greyhound and got Dude a ticket.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sigh. Hope the fallout isnt too severe.
  7. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    One trip was worth a thousand words.........

    Hope the memory lingers and Dude doesn't let the details become "hazy"".........
  8. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    " ... please don't hate me, my ladies of the evening haven't been turning tricks, my pills haven't sold"

    Boy, you know the economy is bad when even these 'businesses' have been affected!


    Poor Dude! I guess everybody could see it coming except him. This hits very close to home for me, you know. And there is nothing more painful than watching your child go through something like this and seeing them be so hurt. They practically beg for love and attention from their father and it never comes. It took my own son years to finally figure out that there was nothing wrong with him, it wasn't any shortcoming of his - his father is just a selfish jerk whose love for his addictions has replaced everything and everybody else! And I think my son has finally achieved "indifference" - the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference and he finally got to where he is at peace with it. Nothing he can do to change it anyway. Hopefully all this was the 'final straw' for Dude too and now he can move forward. It's just a shame that the jerk had to ruin his Christmas too!
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    On one hand it has to give you enormous satisfaction, Star, that ex lived down to your expectations.

    It will be difficult to be sympathetic to Dude when he comes home devastated and/or angry when you must want to crow "I TOLD YOU SO" from here to eternity... but I know you will help him through this anyway.

    Is Dude on his way or is he home already?

  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I know - I am a big marshmellow - but I feel so sick for Dude. I get so angry and ill that a parent could do that to a child, I become almost homicidal.

    Matt is still figuring out the reality of his dad. It has been a lifelong struggle - one he still has not come fully to terms with. He just seems to take heart break after heart break holding out hope for the super dad. :mad:

    I pray that now that Dude is older, he will be able to see it more clearly, and apply that reality to his life in a more concrete way. Hugs Dude - see the light man - see the light!!!
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Who did you get the details from?
  12. Blondie

    Blondie New Member

    O my. Oh yessss! ANNNND....

    Oh No. :(

    Poor poor Dude.
    Rejection bites majorly and hard, no matter how old one is. been there done that, STSDT. Have many T-Shirts (most of 'em truly appallingly ugly).

    Somewhere inside this poor kid he has got to be utterly crushed. That's so horrible.

    True Colours, when someone you've been determined to see thru Dreamgoggles for yrs, are so hard to take when they finally slam into your brain. The hardest object lesson Dude will have in many a long while, I expect.

    I'm proud of you, Starbie. You and DF have given Dude an enormous object lesson as well: You supported, provided for, and were accepting & loving with-him regardless of how ill-advised you thought this trip would be. Kudos bigtime! THAT, my love, is PARENTING. Yanno?

  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Our Dude is hurting in the worst way, but it won't last too long. Why? Cuz it's not going to take him but a short time to realize that his Dad has been with him all along. SO. Once that hits him bio Dad will be nothing more than a sperm donor.

    A very painful lesson, but one he had to learn on his own. It will have more impact because you weren't the sort of person to preach to him his sperm donor's faults ect. He got slapped upside the head with the real deal. I doubt he will ever forget it.

    I agree with Blondie. You handled it beautifully. I know this was hard as hades on you.

    With this lesson behind him now Dude can continue to move forward and become everything his sperm donor isn't. A real man. :)

  14. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    While you said nothing for years about dear DADEEEEE, in his mind Dudeeeee had built him up...over and over again. Imagining that that man would have been there if mom had not run him off, if mom had not been sooooo mean, if mom had...because DADEEEEEE was absent. He did not have to discipline; he did not have to say no; he did not have to do anything to remain perfect except for you to be silent. Dude is old enough now and remembers far more than you think. My Josh is now 27---and he is just coming to terms with his biodad and his absence (bio's decision). Now that he has children, he has a hard time understanding how a man (that word is used very loosely to describe ex) could walk away from a child. I forgave ex for that because I knew that what he did was the best thing for my son. I think Josh is at the point that he is ready to forgive him because he sees where the anger and pain can lead from watching my own experience.

    As a mother, I could not have done what my mother or father did. I could not have left my children to be raised by someone else. I have more courage than my mother did. She is a weak victim of her own making. My father is dead. He had great intentions---just never could follow through as there was always another woman (loads and loads of them) with children to raise (not his, but he took pride in raising other men's chidren.) Josh has see me handle the situation with my parents. I forgave both of them long ago. For my sake. My sister hasn't. She still hangs on, much like a lost puppy, to my mother. She is as helpless and as much a victim as my mother. And I watch and repeat over and over: I will never, ever be a victim.

    Hopefully Dude can come back enlightened and carrying a much lighter load of guilt on why DADEEEEE left him.
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I hope that Daisy is right. That's why I ask who you got the story from. Is Dude becoming aware that dad's good for nothing, and that good for nothing is nothing to do with him?

    Kids want to be so drama prone. "My life hoovers because my dad's a no good pimple. There's nothing I can do to make my life better because my no good pimple of a dad ruined me." What do you think? Is he ready to seperate it?
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    My heart is aching for Dude and any lost expectations he had about having whatever relationship he wanted with him. I truly hope that this has the impact on him that you're hoping for.

    Even if the fallout is horrid, if he learns something from it, it will have been worth it.

    Hugs Star, I know that even though you're glad Dude got to see exh for who he truly is, your heart breaks a little for him as well.
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911

    All your comments are really interesting & make me appreciate all of you so very much.

    First of all - The comments to Dude from x were from Dude. He told them to me after what he called an in your face confrontation with his Dad at his Aunts. The Aunt's husband had forbidden the x from ever being there. Aunt broke the rules by allowing them to meet at their house. After the confrontation? She couldn't risk having anyone mention the altercation so she felt it was best if Dude didn't come back. Nice one. See how this works to her advantage? This is the same Aunt who told him at Thanksgiving "If you need a place to live and want to move here? You can stay here. I want to take you shopping for clothes at the mall, but I don't have time right now." - Always a set up. Always manipulation like a carrot dangling. Dude also threw this in our faces. SHE WANTED TO BUY ME CLOTHES. DF said "Well we wanted to buy you a full size pick up truck, doesn't mean we're going to today, but just know it 'could' happen." ugh.

    As far as the rest of the information? When Dude was little? I worked three jobs on and off, and had a Nanny for him while I worked two of the jobs. Her and her husband lived down the street from our home. They still lived there, and were just tickled to see Dude. She called me and filled me in on the goings on as most of the "clan" still lived in close proximity to her or her kids or her grandkids were friends with my (follow this) x's, in laws kids - and would tell her what was going on and she would ask Dude what was going on. At one point he came in her house and she asked him if he'd like to hang out with them. He told her that would be great because he didn't want to be on the streets again. She said "On the streets?" Then he told her about not being able to go to the aunts, the Uncle was always drunk and obnoxious (really? - thought he was so cool and sooooooo funny and just the greatest??), the other Uncle didn't answer his phone - smart man doesn't want anything to do with any of the others and wouldn't hand you a life jacket if he had three and you were drowning, and then she said "What about your Dad?" and she said "Well all I can say about that is he's out somewhere and you had better make sure you lock up your cars, your doors, your house, nail your windows shut, bring in your dog, roll up your grass if it has any value, and put tape over your pockets if you keep your money there."

    We think the $100 that the x supposedly gave to Dude? He took back from him when he was sleeping. Happens all the time. When Dude was a baby - x would give Dude toys and then take them away - tease him until he would cry. Then throw them at him and call him names for crying. Nothing has changed. He still has the same cruel M.O. The first visit was being as nice as he could, getting information (how is your Mom, what is she doing?, what does your step-dad do? (in other words is he rich and are you going to come into some money so should I keep a relationship with you for the future?) and when he found out nope - we're poor? - See ya.
    The second meeting was the TAKE the toy away - make you cry, be cruel. Nothing has changed. Makes you want to come back and find the nice guy you met the first time....what did you do wrong the 2nd time? I hope Dude doesn't fall for it.

    Sad thing is.....they are ALL like this to some degree. Even my x-mother in law - oh she was the best at it. She was so hardly knew you were being played. THEN WHAM!! :faint:

    As far as wanting to say "I told you so?" (Makes really twisted face) I guess a part of me sits here and thinks it would have been just too much to handle if my x had done one single, solitary honorable thing in his entire life and actually helped the kid get the car. I thought I would be angry, but I'm really just nothing. Not angry, not upset, not happy. That is the beauty of therapy I guess. I'm just void of any emotion regarding anything x does. It's predictable. Like a bad B horror movie (DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR) kinda thing. You know someone is going to get it. Then it happens and you're just like - YUP. Duh. This time - it was Dude despite all the warnings.

    I'm not even (oddly) curious about what went on down there with Dude or the clan. I don't care to hear the dialogue past what I've been told already; mostly because it never changes, it's predictable at best, and it just rehashes my life. I was thinking about this and you tell me how odd you think this is. Here goes. I met and married at 23 years old. Dude is 19. Four years younger than I was, okay? THE EXACT SAME THINGS ARE STILL HAPPENING 23 years LATER.....EXACT SAME DIALOGUE, EXACT SAME DAY TO DAY HAPPENINGS, EXACT SAME DRAMA. NOTHING.....and I mean NOTHING changes except they add, and subtract players. How very pathetic. No one grows, or changes for the better - their kids? Having babies at 15, 16 - like they did - living with their parents, no jobs. The grandchildren being supported by their grand parents like they were. The grandparents drinking every night, beating up their live in girlfriends. Arguing all the time, Stealing, lying, cheating, and the x? Still doing crack except since somehow his Mother managed to run over herself with her own mini-van at 3:00 AM (uh huh) and kill herself - he now has no source of viable income instead of her supporting him with her SSI check - he has ladies of the evening supporting him and sells his pain pills so he can continue to fry his brains on crack and booze - I'm telling you he's got to have about no brains left smoking crack non-stop for 25 years? WOW. No thanks. Yet this is the family that Dude came home on Thanksgiving and said "They are a lot nicer than YOU and your boyfriend.....Star."

    Sooooo......Star, and her Boyfriend....dug deep and found another $100+ and got the boy a bus ticket, and brought him (home) you know the place he can't STAND. I'll be picking him up at 11:00 this morning. ----It's like all sense and sensibility just went right out that little window in my brain that said -----"HE'S OUT; LEAVE HIM GONE, LET HIM HAVE THE PEOPLE HE WANTS ----STAR." - That IS what he's calling you errrrr rather that was what he was calling you until he needed a bus ticket.

    Any who, if you have a kind thought after you get done having all your other (omg you are an idiot thoughts) please send them my way. If you are having those (omg you are an idiot thoughts just know you are not alone - you can stand over there --------> with my Mom, the sensible one)

    (makes sign of the cross with a hammer and smacks herself square in the head with it)
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Smacks you on forehead. Didnt I tell you to leave him in Florida?

    Oh well. I also told you I would be the wimp and tell you to go get him

    You can smack me too, I did something stupid for Cory and Im blaming it on being
  19. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Ugh....I guess I was kind of in the "leave the boy there" camp too but now that he's seen the underside of the pretty shiny rock....*shrugs*.....I don't know. I guess see how he is back home now that he's had those rose colored glassed ripped off.

    I'm with Daisy....maybe NOW he'll see that it takes more than a bit of sperm to be a Dad and a real man. A real man steps up and takes care of things. A real man raises a kid as his own even without contributing genetic goo. A real man treats his family with respect and doesn't hit them, cheat them, betray them or sell them.

    Being a man isn't how many women you can control or knock up, it isn't how big you look to others, it isn't the length of your rap sheet (or other things), it isn't how many girls you have in your stable.

    A REAL man is someone who does what's right, takes care of what's his (bio or not), respects himself and others, doesn't blame others for his mistakes, will work to get himself out of a hole and do what he can to keep from finding himself in the hole again.

    A REAL man realizes respect is earned and not demanded and acts accordingly.

    A REAL man understands that sometimes love and want aren't enough. You can love someone all you want but if they aren't deserving of it or don't return it, sometimes you have to walk away.

    A REAL man will understand and accept, no matter how difficult it is, that sometimes rejection has nothing to do with yourself and everything to do with the person doing the rejecting.

    A REAL man isn't afraid to ask for help.
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911

    UGH - He wasn't ON the bus and Greyhound is not one knows where he is. His pseudo grandparents said they waited with him - yup he got on...bus was late 1 1/2 hours. There were 4 lay overs. 3 changes. OMG...where is this kid?

    Next bus is in at 2:15 - I keep telling myself - he is 19 not 9. Still - :sick:

    Grandparents said today - "You know that poor kid is SUCH a victim of circumstance, and he is such a really nice kid with such a lovely heart."

    Isn't it odd that out of all the ugly, koi that he thought he wanted to be with he actually sought out the people that were like his family here? Interesting huh?