Thank You C D

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mmarti, Dec 26, 2009.

  1. mmarti

    mmarti New Member

    I'm new here, but have to say thank you!! It's so helpful to read archives and realize that I'm not alone, and as bad as it may have gotten from time to time others are dealing with worse. That there is always hope and that there is a place to come and vent where everything I say is understood is very comforting!! I have a 27 y/o difficult child "C". I posted on another forum and was directed here and I can see this definitely where I need to be. I need to be strong and make the hard decisions but don't think I can do that 'cold turkey'. I'll have to ease into it. "C" recently came home for 2 weeks after being out of the house for 3 years in AZ going to tech (sound engineering) school and in NY trying to find work. I of course supported him through most of this and in fact moved him around the country, till he found a girlfriend to take the place of mom. She however, had as many issues as "C" and the relationship got violent so he asked to come home..He's moving in with a friend who owns a construction company and will provide work but C must get his license back and a vehicle (2 DUI and multiple driving with-o a licence). We're a bit rural, so a car is a necessity if he's going to of course the question is how much do I help? He's in a bit of a catch I help with some rules about paying me back? Do I really think he will? I know though through these boards and with your support I'll work through whatever decisions I make. husband is active alcolohic so no emotional support there. He knows I prefer he stay out of making any decisions as his answer is always to kick C to the curb.. I think perhaps it's time for me to find my own therapist!!
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hello and welcome. Sounds like you are on the road to regaining some control of your own life.
    My situation is a little different so I don't feel qualified to tell you when to disengage or what rules to impose. I'm sure you will get more qualified responses as time goes on tonight.

    I do think the "do to get" philosophy is a good first step. What will he do to get what he needs? Why would you have to work harder at his life than he does? He needs to help come up with a plan.

    Again, welcome and I hope you get some good suggestions because I know you will get great support.
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Welcome ~

    I am so glad you found comfort and support through our board. It is one of a kind, and I have never felt more of a secure setting to truly share what is going on in my life. Probably like you, most of my friends know little about what is going on with my kid ~ but here I can fully disclose the trials and tribulations without judgment or criticism.

    I am glad you found us.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm so glad you found your way over here. This place is amazing.

    I would also encourage you to keep going to alanon. You now have 2 alcoholics living in your home and I believe this will help you hold onto your sanity.

    My husband is now 15 months sober and I have a 27 year old step son (J), also alcoholic living here. Plus an 11 year old impressionable son (manster) living here. He's the one who originally brought me to the CD family.

    Again, welcome to the family. My prayer is that we all find the strength and courage to keep doing "the next right thing".

    One Day at a Time.


  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi. I also want to welcome you to our corner of the world. :)

    For some reading material, take a peek at the two links in my signature. We refer to them often to newbies and as refreshers to ourselves and each other.

    As for the car question...he is 27. He can bumb a ride or carpool. It's what my difficult child has to do when his car doesn't work or his license has been taken away from him (several times now). You are not responsible for providing transportation for him; he is responsible to find it for himself.

    You mention at the end that you are thinking of getting a counselor for yourself. I would strongly urge you to do that if it's at all possible. If the therapist is worth his/her salt, there is nothing like face-to-face confirmation and accountability to keep you strong and moving forward.

    Anyway, glad to meet you!

  6. mmarti

    mmarti New Member

    Fran, your question "why would I have to work harder at his life than he does" really resonated with me...thanks for that and Suz, the blunt no nonsense direction helps me rethink some thoughts...although I don't know if I'm strong enough at this point to hold firm to the truly tough love stuff...anyway, I have great insurance and actually get 8 free face to face therapist visits...I also lead people at work and always direct them to our Employee Assistance Plan...time for me to take my own advice...once I'm back in the office in January I'll make the call and set something up...they do triage via phone and place you with a therapist skilled in what your problem is...anyway, C moved out this weekend so things are calmer...(I just get so stressed and anxious when he's here wondering when he and husband (his Dad) will get into's gotten pretty ugly a few times...but thankfully there was only 1 blow up in the week and half he was at the way, as if I didn't have enuf stress..I'm the primary caregiver for my elderly parents (Dad's 91, Mom's 87), they live with me...we did an addition and built them an apartment off my kitchen..Mom's a worse enabler than me..always wanting to give him money and pay his bills....ah well..I guess that's how I grew up so old habits are hard to break...Thanks for the words of wisdom...I'll keep you psted