Thank you for bein my friends !!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Feb 1, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I truly don't know what i would do without all of you !! When I feel like Im going over the edge alls I can think to do is run to this site!! Well all of you that know my story my Difficult Child went back with the abusive boyfriend, and of course quit school! She texts me while I am at work with this whole story of how badly she is being treated...not physically but he continually redicules her and calls her names in front of my grandson. Tells her she is worth nothing and now demands she find a job since she is not going to school, yet doesnt help her with transportation or babysitting. She tells me how much she needs my mom right now (my mom has been gone for 8 years) because my mother would never say no to her and she would have let her move in and would not have made her do anything! My little grandson is changing now too, I see his sweet little personality developing some anger and defiance. I am tired of getting my hopes up just to have them shattered all over again ! She says when she calls me that she just wants to talk, but it always turns into her making sure i know how bad her life is, and I hate hearing the same song over and over again I have run out of things to say to her. We start having a decent relationship then it always goes bad just as quick as it came ! I would so love to have a decent relationship with her but I feel like that will never be!
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    ST, I feel the same way about this site, and the good folks here.
    When I was much younger, hubs and I were having a rough time of it. My sis was convinced I should pick up and leave and go back home. "You could stay with mom and dad."
    Mom gently told me no. "You need to be self sufficient."
    At the time, it hurt. You know what, she was right. Moving all the way back home would have been the worst thing for my kids and I. Turns out we got counseling and here I still am.

    There is help out there for your daughter. Women with children can leave an abusive situation and go to a shelter. You are not the only resource available to her, you are the easiest one to go to.
    Doesn't matter to her that she is inconveniencing you, relying on you too much, or causing you grief with all of these stories. It is sad and hard, but she has got to take responsibility for her choices.
    Things are not going her way, so you know you will be her target. You have that written here in your information.
    I think it is perfectly fine to tell her how much it hurts you to hear about her problems with this abusive man. If you haven't already, tell her that she really needs to go to a counselor and get help for herself and her kids. If she gets upset, it is okay.
    You don't have to tell her over and over. She knows this.

    Next call, keep the conversation short. Boundaries include how our d cs speak with us on the phone, the texts they send, where we draw the line with them.
    I am not cold hearted. I have the same issues with my two. It is distressing, to say the least. Rain has told us a couple of times that she is with an extremely abusive man, but she refuses to go to a shelter. Tornado, has three kids with the same guy, who has been terrible to her and my grandkids, but she always ends up going back to him. It is a never ending saga. I have not heard from her in the five months since she left, after a horrible tirade.

    We have tried and tried to help, to no avail. It gets to the point, where what can we do? These are our adult children, who we love, our grandkids, who we adore, but we have no control over any of this. It is not our fault.

    We did the best job we could do parenting them.

    It is up to them to see the need for change, and to make better choices. I think, as long as we continue to respond the same way to their crisis and drama, they will not see the need to change, at least in how they view and treat us. It is up to us to set clear boundaries here.

    I was able to take a trip this past fall with my three well children, and so enjoyed spending time with them. I realized that I had spent so many years focusing on my two d cs and my grands, it had really robbed me of spending quality time with my other kids.

    This journey we are all on with our d cs is so difficult and draining. We love them, but their choices..........ugh. I would love to have a good relationship with my two, but that is not in the cards for the moment.....

    I have accepted the fact that I cannot control what my two do. There is nothing that I can say to them that I haven't already said. I gave them to God and pray that they will come to their senses.

    It is hard ST, but it is real.

    I have decided to concentrate on what I do have in front of me.
    My well adult kids, my young son, deserve attention.

    You have value and you matter.

    We are in the "winter" of our lives. I think it is high time to find ways to bring peace and joy back to whatever time we have left on this earth.

    I am working hard at this and I hope you do too.

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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Good Morning SoooooT,

    I am so glad you are sharing with us and I'm sorry your daughter is still causing you so much pain.
    It's so obvious from her saying this that she is trying to guilt you into to helping her. Please don't fall into this trap with your emotions. You are being so strong and have come such a long way since you first came here.

    I can only suggest that you limit your contact with her and when she starts going into how horrible her life is and poorly the boyfriend is treating her be prepared with some information on Woman's shelters.
    This will take a little bit of work on your part to find out what is available in your area. Write them down, names, phone numbers and addresses and have them at the ready for when she calls.
    After going through this a few times of giving her this information, if she continues to stay with the boyfriend I would suggest telling her something like "honey, I love you and have offered advice on how to get out of the situation you are in but you choose to stay. There is nothing more I can do for you. I love you, goodbye."

    This is the underlying wish and hope of all parents on this site. I will always hold onto a little bit of hope that someday my son and I might have a good relationship but I am realistic to know that may never happen and the best thing I can do for myself is live the best life I can live.

    Hang in there dear friend!! I do hope you are taking time to be good to yourself. Please tell us something wonderful you have done just for you.

  4. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    thank you my friends. It is kind of hard to take time for myself right now. My best friend that I have known my entire life is really having a hard time right now. Her mom (who I have always considered my mom #2) was diagnosed with throat cancer and refuses treatment, so my girlfriend is bringing her home to take care of her, and I am trying to help her as much as I can! But when and if she ever gets a break I plan on us having a spa day!! I think we both will need it !!
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Soooootired I am sorry to read this..... When it rains it pours......your best friend for life must be so grateful to have you by her side. It is a blessing for you both that you are able to be with her during this difficult time.
    Please take care, and make sure to take time for yourself to refresh and strengthen. Post when you can.....
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    SoooTired. A spa day sounds fine.

    You are in control with your daughter, any moment you choose to be. Nobody, I mean nobody could tolerate her constant complaints about her life, and refusal to take responsibility for any of it.

    I have told my son: I do not want to hear your complaining relentlessly about things that have remedy, that you have chosen and continue choosing not to change. I will only talk about that which we both want to hear. I tell him goodbye if he breaks my rules. He has learned to not cross me, if he wants to talk.

    I believe this is good for the both of us. I feel more peace. He feels more self-control. Actually he expresses pride in himself that he is able to comply. Really.

    If we do not set limits with them, we do not model for them self-respect and boundaries. They lose respect for us. And their self-contempt grows. They begin to hate us for this, a little bit, no matter what they say. I believe this.

    You are changing. You are doing this. It is slow for all of us. It has to be. We love them too much to risk it. But we do.

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    Last edited: Feb 2, 2016
  7. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Copa said " If we do not set limits with them, we do not model for them self-respect and boundaries. They lose respect for us. And their self-contempt grows. They begin to hate us for this, a little bit, no matter what they say."

    Thank you for this insight, Copa. This is good for me to hear at this time.

    I'm following along, SoTired. Thoughts are with you.
    Aloha. Kalahou
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi sooo tired, just catching up here.

    When we start detaching with love and setting boundaries, it's hard to handle the texts, phone calls, FB messages and other ways they continue to reach out to us. We don't want to break all contact, but if you're like I was, I used to dread it when his name flashed up on my phone. Even today (I think this is lingering PTSD) my stomach tightens up when he calls. I wanted to know he was alive, but beyond that, quite frankly, I didn't want to know the details. All they did was upset me and then it would take me hours/days to get back to level ground.

    This is the very best advice ever from Tanya. This gives us something to do and something to say, and is proactive and positive. I can't tell you how many times I gave my Difficult Child information about resources. Over and over and over and later I would find out he never contacted any of them. He didn't want information. He wanted ME to save him once again. He wasn't ready to take responsibility and nothing I did or said every made that happen any faster. But this is for YOU. This is so you can look in the mirror and sleep at night.

    I said this a few times to my son, and today, I am working to be more clear and direct about what works and doesn't work for me in our relationship. Most of the time, I set boundaries by my actions. Yesterday, my son and I went to the movie The Revenant. He had mentioned this several weeks ago, and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I did, but there was no good time to go. Monday, I texted my son as I hadn't seen him in nearly two weeks. I said hey would you like to go to the movie tomorrow since you're off? If that works, great, if not, we can go another time.

    He said sure. We met at the movie theatre, saw the movie and then parted ways. It was a good time together. Sometimes, when I spend a lot of time with my son, I start wanting to know things about his plans, what's going on in his life, what he is thinking, etc. I feel anxious about him. Is he really doing well? What don't I know about him? What is next for him? Will he go back to his old ways? Is he progressing?

    Creating space and time for me and for him helps me calm the crazies that race around in my head. None of that is my business. That is his business. It's up to him to progress in his life...or not. I have to continue to work on myself all the time to let go of the future. I don't want to hear all of his thinking, but still...I find myself dying to ask these questions when we are around each other for several hours.

    I find it's best, even though he appears to be doing so much better, to limit our time and continue to set and maintain boundaries (loving ones) and let him figure his own life out.

    Wow this stuff is hard, isn't it?

    You people are Warriors. You are the best! Thanks for helping us all with your posts.