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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 678582" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>ST, I feel the same way about this site, and the good folks here.</p><p>When I was much younger, hubs and I were having a rough time of it. My sis was convinced I should pick up and leave and go back home. "You could stay with mom and dad."</p><p>Mom gently told me no. "You need to be self sufficient."</p><p>At the time, it hurt. You know what, she was right. Moving all the way back home would have been the worst thing for my kids and I. Turns out we got counseling and here I still am.</p><p></p><p>There is help out there for your daughter. Women with children can leave an abusive situation and go to a shelter. You are not the only resource available to her,<em> you are the easiest one to go to.</em></p><p>Doesn't matter to her that she is inconveniencing you, relying on you too much, or causing you grief with all of these stories. It is sad and hard, but she has got to take responsibility for her choices.</p><p>Things are not going her way, so you know you will be her target. You have that written here in your information.</p><p></p><p>I think it is perfectly fine to tell her how much it hurts you to hear about her problems with this abusive man. If you haven't already, tell her that she really needs to go to a counselor and get help for herself and her kids. If she gets upset, it is okay.</p><p>You don't have to tell her over and over. She knows this.</p><p></p><p>Next call, keep the conversation short. Boundaries include how our d cs speak with us on the phone, the texts they send, where <em>we draw the line with them</em>.</p><p>I am not cold hearted. I have the same issues with my two. It is distressing, to say the least. Rain has told us a couple of times that she is with an extremely abusive man, but she refuses to go to a shelter. Tornado, has three kids with the same guy, who has been terrible to her and my grandkids, but she always ends up going back to him. It is a never ending saga. I have not heard from her in the five months since she left, after a horrible tirade.</p><p></p><p>We have tried and tried to help, to no avail. It gets to the point, where <em>what can we do</em>? These are our adult children, who we love, our grandkids, who we adore, but<em> we have no control over any of this.</em> It is not our fault.</p><p></p><p>We did the best job we could do parenting them.</p><p></p><p>It is up to them to see the need for change, and to make better choices. I think, as long as we continue to respond the same way to their crisis and drama, they will not see the need to change, at least in how they view and treat us. It is up to us to set clear boundaries here.</p><p></p><p>I was able to take a trip this past fall with my three well children, and so enjoyed spending time with them. I realized that I had spent so many years focusing on my two d cs and my grands, it had really robbed me of spending quality time with my other kids.</p><p></p><p>This journey we are all on with our d cs is so difficult and draining. We love them, but their choices..........ugh. I would love to have a good relationship with my two, but that is not in the cards for the moment.....</p><p></p><p>I have accepted the fact that I cannot control what my two do. There is nothing that I can say to them that I haven't already said. I gave them to God and pray that they will come to their senses.</p><p></p><p>It is hard ST, but it is real.</p><p></p><p>I have decided to concentrate on what I do have in front of me.</p><p>My well adult kids, my young son, deserve attention.</p><p></p><p>You have value and you matter.</p><p></p><p>We are in the "winter" of our lives. I think it is high time to find ways to bring peace and joy back to whatever time we have left on this earth.</p><p></p><p>I am working hard at this and I hope you do too.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 678582, member: 19522"] ST, I feel the same way about this site, and the good folks here. When I was much younger, hubs and I were having a rough time of it. My sis was convinced I should pick up and leave and go back home. "You could stay with mom and dad." Mom gently told me no. "You need to be self sufficient." At the time, it hurt. You know what, she was right. Moving all the way back home would have been the worst thing for my kids and I. Turns out we got counseling and here I still am. There is help out there for your daughter. Women with children can leave an abusive situation and go to a shelter. You are not the only resource available to her,[I] you are the easiest one to go to.[/I] Doesn't matter to her that she is inconveniencing you, relying on you too much, or causing you grief with all of these stories. It is sad and hard, but she has got to take responsibility for her choices. Things are not going her way, so you know you will be her target. You have that written here in your information. I think it is perfectly fine to tell her how much it hurts you to hear about her problems with this abusive man. If you haven't already, tell her that she really needs to go to a counselor and get help for herself and her kids. If she gets upset, it is okay. You don't have to tell her over and over. She knows this. Next call, keep the conversation short. Boundaries include how our d cs speak with us on the phone, the texts they send, where [I]we draw the line with them[/I]. I am not cold hearted. I have the same issues with my two. It is distressing, to say the least. Rain has told us a couple of times that she is with an extremely abusive man, but she refuses to go to a shelter. Tornado, has three kids with the same guy, who has been terrible to her and my grandkids, but she always ends up going back to him. It is a never ending saga. I have not heard from her in the five months since she left, after a horrible tirade. We have tried and tried to help, to no avail. It gets to the point, where [I]what can we do[/I]? These are our adult children, who we love, our grandkids, who we adore, but[I] we have no control over any of this.[/I] It is not our fault. We did the best job we could do parenting them. It is up to them to see the need for change, and to make better choices. I think, as long as we continue to respond the same way to their crisis and drama, they will not see the need to change, at least in how they view and treat us. It is up to us to set clear boundaries here. I was able to take a trip this past fall with my three well children, and so enjoyed spending time with them. I realized that I had spent so many years focusing on my two d cs and my grands, it had really robbed me of spending quality time with my other kids. This journey we are all on with our d cs is so difficult and draining. We love them, but their choices..........ugh. I would love to have a good relationship with my two, but that is not in the cards for the moment..... I have accepted the fact that I cannot control what my two do. There is nothing that I can say to them that I haven't already said. I gave them to God and pray that they will come to their senses. It is hard ST, but it is real. I have decided to concentrate on what I do have in front of me. My well adult kids, my young son, deserve attention. You have value and you matter. We are in the "winter" of our lives. I think it is high time to find ways to bring peace and joy back to whatever time we have left on this earth. I am working hard at this and I hope you do too. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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