Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by beachn8tve, Jan 23, 2008.
I am not sure how much advice I can give you other than to tell you to hang in there. My son also show signs of ODD since he was a toddler. ?He has thrown fits for hours on end with and intensity that is unbelieveable. As he has grown older, he is now 12, the episodes are further between and usually do not last as long.
I too blame myself constantly, even though my head tells me that I have done nothing wrong and it genetic. When I am feeling down I usally do two things. First, I cryand get it all out. Second, I go on sites like this that remind me I am not alone and nor is he!
We are good parents who are doing our best to help our kids. Hang in there and try your best to stay positive with him. I believe my son's best chance is to see me model good behavior. I am embarassed to admit that I have lost my temper more than a few times when I should not have because I can't take it anymore. I use this as a point of conversation to tell him that I made a bad decision and need to work on controlling my emotions. This morning I was so upset because we could not get out of the house, and homework wasn't done, I sat down on the stairs and cried. When my son asked what was wrong, I explained that I was very upset and needed a moment to control my emotions.
When my son is in the middle of a melt down we tell him that we are proud of him, we love him, and we know he can work through his emotions. The good news is that as time is going on, he seems to beable to do this.
Hang in there....try and take care of yourself. That is the hardest part for me because I am so exhausted trying to parent him.
Well, I think it's positive that therapist wants to do more testing - in my book, that shows that he's seeing there may be an issue (which sometimes is *so* hard to get tdocs to see, especially when our kiddos turn on that charm) and isn't just chalking it up to parenting or ... whatever. Personally, I wouldn't address difficult child's refusal to go back at this point; maybe by next appointment he'll be a bit more willing (hope springs eternal).
Allow yourself the tears but please remember that this is no one's fault. You're doing the best that you can and you are seeking help, which is definitely the right thing to do. That Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing is incredibly frustrating - wish I could offer you a sure fire coping skill, but I can only tell you there are good days that you have to savor and bad days that you should just try to take 1 minute at a time and forget as soon as they're through.
Hang in there!
Don't blame yourself. It just isn't your fault and it doesn't help. Give yourself a break, you are doing the best you can!
Please don't bring up the therapy refusal to him. Andplease, don't make it optional. If he can get out of this by refusing and being terrible, it will only lead to him refusing bigger and bigger things. I know whereof I speak. If he does not go, you may have to decide if you are going to make it an issue. I would, and did, personally. I also let my son know that refusing meant he would have NONE of his things other than a mattress and some clothing. And NO TV. or anything else. He would be room-bound until the next therapy visit that he participated in. I said it, and I was ready to do it.
Don't say it if you are not 100% ready to do it, not with anything. But I see this as a big challenge coming your way. Others may have other ideas, like a reward after, or whatever. That may also help. Or, next therapy, get him in the car with-o telling him where you are going?
Anyway, it is NOT your fault. Keep sayingit. You know it is true!!!
Hugs and a cupof HMJ!
Many gentle hugs-do not blame yourself-it isn't your fault.
G'day, welcome from another beach girl. It's also good therapy for our boys - chuck 'em under a wave and it cools those tempers!
Seriously though, I'm with the others - seeing the therapist is NOT optional, he WILL do it even if you have to get someone strong enough to carry him in there. Because you both need answers and his refusal will get both of you absolutely nowhere. He can't spend his life running away from anything he considers unpleasant - a parent can't shield a kid from unpleasantness for very long at all.
Have you had him checked out for Asperger's or similar? specially if he seems bright, even if he's not doing so well at school. It often shows up as a combination of behaviour problems, anger problems and a determination to follow his own rules. There are reasons for this, and when you can get an understanding of them, the oppositionality can cease to be such an issue.
Strong suggestion - get your hands on a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's a darn good book, helps you get a better 'feel' for kids like this. Techniques in it also work for 'normal' kids. It's not a cure, more a management option. We actually found it made life easier.
The biggest thing is, if he's Aspie (or Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some other form) he will show the same respect to adults, that they show to him. We often forget that when we talk to children, especially children for whom we are responsible, we really are using language that we wouldn't tolerate for a minute from another adult. Most kids understand the difference between adults & children - Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids generally don't. And they resent being expected to be nice and polite, when they're surrounded by ill-mannered idiots (in their opinion).
An example - easy child 2/difficult child 2 at the age of 3 would ask for a drink of juice. It didn't matter if I was busy, she would gt vrey demanding. And if I felt she had enough juice and needed a glass of water for a change, when I gave her the water she would stand with her hands on her hips and say loudly, "I told you I wanted juice!", scolding me like an inattentive student. She was, in fact, dishing back the same behaviour that had been modelled for her. As parents we say to our kids, "I told you to get dressed half an hour ago - what have you been doing?" "Why aren't you in that bath yet?" "Get out of bed, you lazy twerp." But if our kids give that back to us - we say that they are being rude and disrespectful.
As I said, most kids understand the dichotomy. Aspies don't. And when they give it back - it's not being rude, not for them. They are merely responding as we have taught them.
Even a really intelligent child can do this, and still not understand the inappropriateness of it. But an intelligent child will resent the apparent double-standards, and be angry.
Read the book. it helps.
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