Thank You from WiscKaren

[WiscKaren]

How can I begin to thank you all for your replies to my firt posting (yesterday) and your comforting words (Star, thank you for the basket -- it made me laugh and it has been months since I did that!), but I hope you know how much I appreciate you being here.

I/we am just starting this road with my daughter. I was reading on detachment today (plus reading all 38 pages of postings) and I have decided that is what hubby and I are going to have to do with her. Her trial begins this Thursday and we have decided not to attend as I'm sure she will deny all the evidence to be brought forward -- and at the end we "won't understand" anyways (that is what she likes to say). Us not attending will be a big turning point, if not for her at least for us. I just need to quit feeling guilty over this decision -- need to read more on detachment.

But in reading the postings today, it is the first time in years that I have truely felt like people understand. It has been like "Wow, been there done that....she is writing what I feel; I have been there and I can feel her/his pain....etc. etc." Although I wish nobody needed a forum like this, I am sooooooo glad I am not alone.

With our daughter, this is all new to us. We are so devastated by this all. When it first happened we said to each other, "Now if this were difficult child son, we could "accept" it", but from our daughter, we were not prepared at all -- complete shock. Since we have detached from our 23 year old son, life became good again (until this recent even with daughter). I always wonder what our son is doing, but sad to say, I don't miss him at all. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't say that, but it is so true -- and I know you guys understand.

But thank you for being here. I smiled today -- and that felt good. When I get stronger, I promise to be here for all of you too.

Karen

Edited as I finally figured out how to do signature! I'm so computer illiterate...LOL

 

[BusynMember]

Karen, I do know how you feel. I was so mystified by my son's behavior that I was in serious trouble emotionally. This kid had been Perfect Child since the day he came off the airplane from Hong Kong. In no way did we ever anticipate he'd throw us out of his life for no reason (we didn't fight with him or let him down) and not see us for two years. I've decided to enjoy the rest of my life. If my grown kids mess up, I can't fix them. What part of Wisconsin are you in? You a Packers fan? I AM!!! I'm not going to think about the grown kids this weekend, and just sit and enjoy football :smile:

 

[WiscKaren]

Hi Midwest Mom, I hope you don't mind but I'm going to print out your saying "If my grown kids mess up, I can't fix them" and post that on my fridge, on my mirrors, and at work. Powerful saying.

I'm right out of Milwaukee, but travel during the summer almost every weekend to the Dells area (we love to camp!). How about you?

Unfortunately I am not a Packers fan, but hubby is. I was (don't shoot me now...LOL) rooting for the Seahawks. But now I will cheer for the Packers over the Giants.

On a side note here, my friend adopted a brother/sister from Russia three years ago. They have definately been a blessing, but a challenge at the same time (now 8 and 6). The oldest is definately having attachment problems.

 

[BusynMember]

I go to the Dells a lot. Next week we're ditching two days of school (with work done in advance) so my younger two (fourteen and eleven) can go to a water park. It's related to my daughter's membership in the Jr. Packers Club. I'd be up for a Dells visit anytime :smile: We're maybe thirty minutes from there! PM me, if you like. We can maybe talk.
by the way, TRAITOR
If ya live in Wisconsin, ya gotta love the Packers. It's kind of a religion...lol :wink:

 

[Scent of Cedar II]

:smile:

Welcome, Wisckaren!

Barbara

 

[Star*]

Karen -

You're welcome for the basket. I am so glad if you laughed. THAT makes ME feel good!

You know your post part about your son. I found myself nodding in agreement - and the wicked part about what you said - is that it IS true.

I am practicing detachment from my son NOT because I don't love him but because there are ONLY 2 scenarios that can play out.
1.) I stop feeding his immature side with my help only to be stomped on time and time again, which if kept fed will have these behaviors manifest into adulthood - which I can't be a 50 year old woman still taking care of a 25 year old kid. I have a life to live and deserve to live it. So I detach - he does what he's going to do irregardless of my presence or not and the ONLY ONLY ONLY thing different is that I have removed MYSELF from the bermuda triangle of his life. He doesn't change- but I get out. I love him - I will always worry about him - but I'm not subjecting myself to hell. And maybe he grows up and comes back around me sorry for what he did - and Maybe he never gets it - and ends up in and out of jail or homeless. I pray for the former, but prepare for the latter as best I can.

and scenario 2
2.) I keep feeding into his immature side with my "help" only to be stomped on time and time and time and time and time and time again - which BECAUSE I didn't detach he feels is a right to stomp me into the ground all through adulthood. I wlil be a 50 year old woman with over 1/2 my life gone - and not able to do anything like live - because I constantly have to help/enable/do for my dysfunctional son who hasn't a CLUE how to be a man because I babied him into his 30's. So I don't detach and my life is turmoil day in and day out - so is his (which to me at that point shouldn't be amazing but is - because I have been a good Mom who didn't leave my 'child' but I SHOWED HIM - I love him - by enabling.) And now the entire family is constantly in a state of turmoil when I should be enjoying my golden years - and family - not wishing I were dead because now I'm 50+ and can't deal with the stress that is a difficult child in his 30's.

I have to ask myself too - after sitting back for just the last year of learning to detach - DID my presence or lack of presence make a difference in how my son has behaved? Not at all. And I can back that up BECAUSE - when he lived at home there were rules, just like there are everywhere else and he cared little for them even with my charts, stars, consequences and being right there in his face. I removed myself from the equation as a 'test' to see if I WAS right to prove to everyone (DF, psychiatric) that if I am there - he does better, and my test failed. The psychiatric and Df were right - difficult child is going to do what he wants to do regardless of my presence, love, caring, rules, consequences - the ONLY difference is that I'm not subjected to the BS. That's the ONLY difference.

My wish? Would have been to see that without me - things were worse -and he changed, came home with his tail between his legs, sorry for his behaviors. NOT to remove myself from the equation and STILL SEE him doing the same dumb, poor choices, he's BEEN doing all along. I learned - I can't make him change. He has to want to do it on his own. So while he's Doing his thing - I'm going to do mine. And the oddest thing has happened - because NOW - he sees that MY life and DF's life didn't stop for him - and he's just AMAZED that we're living life on our terms without him. We love him, we miss him - but until he can make better choices, and become a productive member of society - he's not welcome here at our home. And if you think that they don't ever WISH they could come home - you're wrong. They do - if they do enough - they'll change. THAT is the key for us.

There is always that "hopeful" thought in the back of my head that I won't have to play out scenario 1 or 2 - that Dude gets struck by lightning, has an epiphany about his behavior and how much of his life he's wasted and JUST pulls his head out of his kiester - but I stopped holding my breath on that one a LONG time ago.

I can recommend a book - Tough Love - it is not the most well written book or even interesting - but it does give scenarios that you can read about how others handle detaching.

I'm glad you found us too -
Hugs
Star