Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Thank you....
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 705670" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>I think there were a lot of things that helped me get there, but if I had to pinpoint the thing that helped me the *most* it was educating myself. I am a person that the more I know, for good or bad, the more I feel in control and able to handle something head on. I spent hours, weeks, months researching EVERYTHING I could find about drug addiction and her particular disorder - both of which I knew nothing about. I talked to a therapist, I came here, I read every article I could find. Over and over and over, I kept getting the same message: I can't change her. I can't make her want to get help. I can't force a different life on her. Every bit of energy I put into "fixing" her was futile as long as it wasn't what she wanted. </p><p></p><p>I physically distanced myself. That was the hardest bc all I could think was that she would be homeless, and I would get an image of her without somewhere to sleep, anyone to help her, and fall apart. But I stuck to it. She couldn't be in my home as she is without a commitment, true commitment and not some manipulative play. When she "triggered" and began to yell and curse on the phone, I disengaged and hung up. I finally emotionally distanced myself (God, that sounds so cold). I love her, will always love her, but refused to give her control over my emotions. I accept her decisions, her life, but I refuse to participate or contribute to it as long as she makes self-destructive choices. </p><p></p><p>To be honest, there is no way I could have done it with her in my home or even in my life on a regular basis. I don't think the most even tempered, mild mannered, empathetic person in the world can handle the continued, non stop abusive, manipulative, harmful behaviors some of these adult children are capable of. Even when they aren't "beating you up" by blowing up on you, watching your child self destruct in front of your eyes with no power to stop it is a different kind of abusive, harmful behavior. </p><p></p><p>I know that as long as she is the way she is, there is nothing I can ever do that will be "right" in her eyes, so I no longer try to please her. I pray for her every day, and let it go to a higher power. Maybe someday she will come back to us; if not, I take solace in the memories we made while she was growing up. Ultimately, the choice is theirs, not yours. As long as they find enablers, no matter how well meaning or well intended, they have no reason to change (this from my therapist). I know she can always find enablers, but I refuse to be one of them. </p><p></p><p>I focus on the good in my life and remind myself we are only here for a short time. I don't want to grow old and look back with regret, having spent my life trying to help someone who didn't want it instead of putting that energy where it can do some good and bring me joy. Life is a gift. I appreciate that even if right now she can't.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 705670, member: 19905"] I think there were a lot of things that helped me get there, but if I had to pinpoint the thing that helped me the *most* it was educating myself. I am a person that the more I know, for good or bad, the more I feel in control and able to handle something head on. I spent hours, weeks, months researching EVERYTHING I could find about drug addiction and her particular disorder - both of which I knew nothing about. I talked to a therapist, I came here, I read every article I could find. Over and over and over, I kept getting the same message: I can't change her. I can't make her want to get help. I can't force a different life on her. Every bit of energy I put into "fixing" her was futile as long as it wasn't what she wanted. I physically distanced myself. That was the hardest bc all I could think was that she would be homeless, and I would get an image of her without somewhere to sleep, anyone to help her, and fall apart. But I stuck to it. She couldn't be in my home as she is without a commitment, true commitment and not some manipulative play. When she "triggered" and began to yell and curse on the phone, I disengaged and hung up. I finally emotionally distanced myself (God, that sounds so cold). I love her, will always love her, but refused to give her control over my emotions. I accept her decisions, her life, but I refuse to participate or contribute to it as long as she makes self-destructive choices. To be honest, there is no way I could have done it with her in my home or even in my life on a regular basis. I don't think the most even tempered, mild mannered, empathetic person in the world can handle the continued, non stop abusive, manipulative, harmful behaviors some of these adult children are capable of. Even when they aren't "beating you up" by blowing up on you, watching your child self destruct in front of your eyes with no power to stop it is a different kind of abusive, harmful behavior. I know that as long as she is the way she is, there is nothing I can ever do that will be "right" in her eyes, so I no longer try to please her. I pray for her every day, and let it go to a higher power. Maybe someday she will come back to us; if not, I take solace in the memories we made while she was growing up. Ultimately, the choice is theirs, not yours. As long as they find enablers, no matter how well meaning or well intended, they have no reason to change (this from my therapist). I know she can always find enablers, but I refuse to be one of them. I focus on the good in my life and remind myself we are only here for a short time. I don't want to grow old and look back with regret, having spent my life trying to help someone who didn't want it instead of putting that energy where it can do some good and bring me joy. Life is a gift. I appreciate that even if right now she can't. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Thank you....
Top