Thanks for letting me join...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Valentine, Dec 2, 2009.

  1. Valentine

    Valentine New Member

    I am a mother to a difficult child.. He is 14 years old and has ODD also having really bad behavioral problems but is not being medicated. Well that might change after today:crying:. I am at a complete loss for words and all I can do is cry. difficult child went to school toady and threatned everyone and the police showed up at my house.. handcuffed him and took him away.. My 3 year old who witnessed this is saying " mommy he is in jail". I am so broken and feel so numb. I just dont know what to do.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    Welcome to our little corner of the web. I'm so sorry that it has gotten to this point. ODD is usually a poor excuse for a diagnosis. Who diagnosis your son with this? Has he ever had a multidisciplinary evaluation or a neuropysch evaluation? Is he on an IEP at school?

    Please let us know more about your son and his childhood. There are many, many parents on this board and we are more than willing to share our experiences and provide as much emotional support as you need.
  3. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    Valentine, I know what a trauma it is to have your child taken away in handcuffs, particularly in front of a younger child. To explain to the younger one, though, I did not ever say "jail," and if she had ever asked me that, I would have said that was not true. (It is not technically called that for a juvenile, after all.) I explained that the police had to take difficult child to "big girl time out." She could relate to that. When can she get out? (the follow-up question): When she has had enough time to think about how to behave, just like other "time out."

    When difficult child was hospitalized, I NEVER used the word "hospital." I explained that she was in a special school to help her learn how to be nicer to other people. (Younger one had already named up the "mean" behavior that was happening--impossible to deny--so this was a natural way to explain why she was there.) When will she come home? When the teachers think she is ready, when she has learned the lessons she needs to learn.

    For YOU, have you been in contact with your own doctor? Your little one will take cues from you, and the medication I was able to get--temporarily--to help me be more functional through the shock phases, helped her and me both.

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through today.
  4. Valentine

    Valentine New Member

    My difficult child has always been more difficult than my other 4 kids. He sees a counsler (sp) at the Mental Health center and already goes to the alternative school because he has made threats in the past. He has drawn horrific pictures and made threats to kill people at school. He will be charged with criminal threat. He is at a hospital getting I am sure a psychiatric evaluation.
  5. jal

    jal Member

    Welcome. I am sorry you've had to go through that. I'm not there yet with-my young difficult child, (he's 7 and in an alternative school too) but I fear it sometimes, down the road. You will find a lot of support here. ((hugs)).
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in my welcome and some gentle hugs. Sounds like you are dealing with so much. Please be sure you are taking care of you (which I know is easier said than done).
  7. Valentine

    Valentine New Member

    I am a 34 year old mother to 5 beautiful children and have a loving husband of 7 years. I have 2 difficult child's both boys ages 14 (ODD) and 11 (ODD). I also have 3 girls who dont seem to have any problems.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Valentine, I am sorry for your hurting mommy heart. HUGS!!

    However, please try to look at this as a way to get services for your child. He obviously needs some help that a family home can not provide. Please try to work with the system to get him some support services. You want to give him every shot at becoming a productive, law-abiding citizen. He needs help.

    Perhaps a residential treatment facility or emotional growth boarding school.
  9. lizanne2

    lizanne2 New Member

    Welcome. Please take care of yourself. I also did the short term medicine for myself surrounding my sons juvenile justice system experience. I am thankful that I did.

    While escalating behavior and then police involvement is awful, this may be the way to secure more or better services. I can never tell what will or did have an impact on my difficult child. This may help him now or eventually.

    My son is diagnosed with ODD. I always forget that. You see it really doesn't help him or me. The next or resulting dxes always seemed to lead us to a better understanding and better treatment of what was going on.

    Take care. Keep us posted.
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Hello Valentine,

    I just wanted to add my welcome. Sorry that things are so rough with your older difficult child right now. I agree with Busywend that this might be your golden opportunity to get crucial services in place for your difficult child.

    I would also suggest that you revisit the diagnosis of ODD. ODD is more of a description of behaviour than a true diagnosis, and it is often caused by an underlying condition that's not being treated effectively. Until you know what the underlying condition is and put the right interventions in place, it's hard to regulate the behaviour.

    Have you read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? Although your boys are a bit older, it's never too late to start putting the principles into practice. If you can de-escalate conflict in the house it's better for everyone concerned.

    Has your difficult child ever been seen by a NeuroPsychologist? I would recommend it as it can rule in or rule out some conditions that might have gone unrecognized from other evaluations.

  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aw, Valentine, I am so sorry.

    The best thing for your difficult child right now is his psychiatric evaluation. I hope they are competent and caring, and keep him for the max amt of time. I hate it when they throw you out after 24 hrs, because it doesn't really give them a chance to observe behaviors, and to see what kinds of effects the medications have.

    I hope they prescribe some great medications that you son agrees to take (you may have to negotiate or withhold items like Xbox or whatever. Works for us! Although my son willingly takes his medications now.)

    Please tell your 3-yr-old that his brother is sick, but instead of sick in his stomach, it's in his head, and he is in the hospital to get better. That is the truth.

    Many hugs.

    You've come to the right place.
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Hi again -- If he is in a psychiatric hospital, push hard for them to do testing.
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hi Valentine - it sounds like you sure have a lot going on. I hope that this event acts as a catalyst for changes with your son. At 14, it is difficult to make them take some medications, but perhaps getting him to take medications could be a way for him to earn back some freedoms and privileges.

    As wiped out said, please be sure and take this time while he's out of the house to regenerate, rest and nurture yourself. It's okay to tell the little ones that their brother is not well. Mental illness is just like any other illness, such as asthma and diabetes.

    Sending many gentle hugs your way~
  14. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    My earlier comment about referring to a "special school" rather than a "hospital" is because my younger child has unfortunately been conditioned to relate that word to death. Because her father died in a hospital, she makes this connection anytime anybody is in the hospital--especially if she cannot see the person for a while, as has been the case with difficult child's hospitalizations.

    This, in turn, connects to fears of "illnesses" that are more than short-term. My case is complicated due to my child's language impairments, but I'm not sure it's unusual for a young child to have negative feelings related to hospitals and uncertainties about "illnesses" that are difficult to explain in a concrete way. My thinking is that what I have needed to do in order to put explanations in terms my 6-8 year-old could understand in a non-threatening way could be very close to what would be needed for a typically developing 3-year-old. Abstract is just hard!

    I'd just go with whatever you think will bring your child the least worry.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    that reminds me ... both my kids went through stages when they didn't understand why people went to the hospital to give birth.
    Then it did a 360, when my son wanted to know why Jesus wasn't born in a hospital, LOL!
  16. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    Terry, it's funny that you would bring that up, because we're going through that stage as well. I've not been able to explain well enough why people go to a hospital for that, because she keeps asking again. I've learned that when I get the same question over and over, it's not from forgetting the answer or trying to annoy, but because she is really struggling to understand and can't. Frustrating!

    Valentine, how are you doing, and how are the other children coping/understanding?
  17. Valentine

    Valentine New Member

    We miss him VERY much and I am heartbroken.... I havent spoke to him since they took him and its pure torture.. We have a hearing on monday and I have no idea what to expect... Has anyone ever dealt with this and give me some ideas of what to expect? :brokenheart::sad-very:
  18. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    What type of hearing?

    Probably what caught me most by surprise at my difficult child's first hearing was the sight of her coming through the door in the "uniform" and restraints. I'm not sure why I didn't expect that, but I guess I was just too upset by everything to think about it beforehand. Her restraints were removed after she entered the courtroom.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Juvenile court isnt the same as regular criminal court. It will be closed to the public so it will just be you, your son, the lawyer for the court and the judge...if this is actually in a courtroom. Now this could just be a hearing in an office. Sometimes they do a sort of interview with the offender, the parent, a court investigator (or some other name that I cant remember). Then they go and make recommendations to the court about charges and such. Then they ask the CHILD if they want a this point they will ask if you want to retain one or if you want a court appointed one. I always just got the court appointed one.

    After they set a court date...and they never remanded my son into custody...he was let go into my care...we had to show up for court and my son met with his lawyer before court. I wasnt allowed in. I gave the lawyer, the DA, the judge, and anyone else involved copies of my parent report (directions in the FAQ section here) which everyone found very helpful.
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome. I am sorry things have come to such a place where difficult child drew the police with his behavior. It may be very good that he is on the police radar, esp if he starts to be violent at home. When one child is violent you must be super careful at home so that the other children are protected if he starts to hurt anyone.

    I would start a safety plan for the other kids, even if he has never hurt anyone at home. Make sure one room has a sturdy door, a good lock and a telephone. All the other kids should go into that room, lock the door and wait for you to tell them to call 911. Just in case he really hurts you. Or you can go in there with them. Whatever works.

    The safety plan should be practiced without your son being home. Tell the girls it is a game. The big reason for the safety plan is that the courts will want to know that you have a way to keep the other children safe if he gets violent at home. You may want to consider putting an alarm on his bedroom door so that if he gets up in the night you all know it. Battery alarms are easy to find and install. Try radio shack or walmart.

    This will keep CPS from becoming a problem. They want to make sure that you take this seriously and have a plan to keep the other kids safe.

    The courtroom will be private. It will have some extra people that you don't know, likely from CPS. Have a written copy of the safety plan to show if they ask how you intend to keep the other kids safe from him.

    Do you intend to let him come home? It is something they will likely ask. If they don't, but you don't feel safe having him at home, then you must tell the judge this. Write out what you want to say. Not in paragraph form, more like bullets to let you tell the judge quickly and concisely what you want/need.

    Are you afraid of your son? I was afraid of my when he was 14. He was very violent. Don't be ashamed if you are. Mental illness is scary.

    The parent report is a great idea.

    Glad you found us!