Special thanks to Tanya, Cedar and Confused (my great little cyber-daughter...isn't she the best?) Well, I was actually in a total state of shock that my siblings, both in their latter 50s, were reading my thoughts, laughing at my abusive life, and my sister was bragging about how she hasn't spoken to me almost for one whole year because I was "borderline." What she said didn't bother me. The fact that my two almost senior citizen siblings would spy on me, read it together and LAUGH about it gave me a real shock...I truly thought both were more mature than that and I had no idea, until then, how much I did not have a family of origin. That hurt. They think the very worst of me, as is the case with every scapegoat in every family. It's not borderline; it's the scapegoat syndrome, but no matter. After I looked up my unc's obit just to see if I was in it and kind of chuckled that I wasn't, thinks settled down for me. I found a great new psycholgist...a PhD, not just some talker with a four year degree.He understands family roles and does some dialectal behavioral therapy, which I am very responsive to. It's like cognitive, but it's better, in my opinion. So I admit I have no family of origin. My father, whom seems to get it then doesn't, is in a tough spot as we are all his kids and frankly he is too elderly for me to judge too harshly. I talked to my husband about my father, whom is the only person I do feel connected to and whom I know loves me. We decided because talking to him does remind me of my sister and brother, my dad and I would talk shortly once a week or so and never bring up sis and bro again. This is for my own protection. I can't go back to thinking about the two ex-sibs and sadly our connection to them reminds me of them. It is shock and awe to me to learn that my sibs actually did not witness the abuse, but of course they didn't. Mom was sneaky and of course most of it did not happen in front of them and she told a good story to make herself look like the victim. And nobody asked for my side of the story so they heard it, whatever it was, only from her (shrug). I am not perfect, but I am in shock to realize that they are even worse. I'm especially sorry that it took me so many years to realize what my sister really is on the inside. She is very different on the outside. Sort of like an Oreo cookie. So this is what you guys taught me and I thank you. Maybe you didn't mean to teach me these things, but you did. 1/It is what it is. That is something my father likes to ssay and it's true. You can not, no matter how much you try and are a good person, ever talk somebody else out of what they think you are so you accept it, turn your back on it, and move on. It doesn't hurt forever. If it is your family only that says these things about you, then you know it's them, not you. In fact, now that I think about it, Sis says horrible things about her own friends and boyfriend makes fun of them, and if they knew how she talked behind their backs,, she wouldn't have any friends. She is just good at faking it then laughing at them. It is her nature. So why was I surprised she did this to me? She also diagnosed many of her "friends" as borderline too. Lesson learned: She talks about everyone this way at some point in time. Forget it. Forget her. Move on. Another lesson learned: Brother has issues of his own, is not in this state, and has been in therapy for a long time. He was my mother's Golden Child and she is his Golden Mama. So be it. He is not somebody I give much thought to. I'm just shocked that, with his job and intelligence, he is immature enough to read my thoughts and laugh with Sis over them. Other than that, he has not been in my life for decades. Lesson learned: Your family is the one YOU made. A family can be big or only two loving people, a great couple. My family, my real family, is my husband and kids and one very special friend who always turns on my lights when they are off. And, of course, the pets! I am really the lucky one and my husband gets so puzzled when I get upset over ex-family of origin. He would have walked away without regret years ago if his family had been like mine. I wish I had been like him. It helps to be validated. He knows most of my family, brother excluded. He constantly hugs me and reminds me that they are not worth my time. At any rate, longwinded thank you as you all helped get me through the shock of realizing how immature and, yes, crazy the ex's are. I doubt they read this anymore. I think it embarassed Sis that I found out she was stalking me. If they do read it, let them. Why should I care? They are in the category of strangers to me and I have never much cared what strangers think of me. Thank you again. I'm almost back to normal now, whatever THAT is . To me it actually means I have my serenity back, feel good about my world, my loved ones and life is good.