That sick feeling in my stomach

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by buddy, Sep 28, 2011.

  1. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sometimes I just get that gut feeling that something will go terribly wrong. It is part because I know of some hot issues right now and part because I just feel him (difficult child).

    1. Didn't bounce out of bed as usually does
    2. Principal over ran the IEP and behavior team when he saw one of the behaviors difficult child did (already taken care of by school people working with him, they told me to praise him for turning it around, I talked to him that day, etc. but principal found out a day later then decided to take action--ie suspension--this coming Friday.)
    3. He is the ONE person at this school who does that, like he is saying....sorry special education professionals, sorry district team who comes weekly to work with the team and directly with the child, sorry asst. principal, sorry sp. ed. school discipline administrator, sorry brain trauma expert MOM brings in to help, sorry MOM, I am going to derail all your hard work and add to the plan.
    4. He just doesn' t get that with brain injury this severe the behavior methods are different....mostly to avoid triggers and keep the person in a calmer state so what little control is left in their brain can work. Now with the increased anxiety over his schedule being changed he is likely to fall apart at school............WHAT THEN?????? he will do more of the verbal and physical aggression as he obsesses and perseverates on the change in what then????? he will just get more days kicked out.

    We have been down this road so many times with so many schools it is just making me ill. I found out my BiPolar (BP) is wonder.

    Please God bring my little man some peace today so he can make it. It is the ONE day I have an appointment with a doctor. I have no insurance and no money to pay privately so if this clinic doesn't work out I am SOL and if I dont stay healthy who cares for little man?

    fighting the tears....
    buddy....aka Dee (buddy is my dog's name)
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Many of us have experienced that sick feeling triggered by fear. It sounds as though you have taken all the steps you can to protect him from himself and, sadly, you can not shadow him through his daily choice. I know it may sound a bit lame but repeating the Serenity Prayers in your head may help you find some peace. You are well aware that your health needs are important and walking the tightrope with him likely is not helping you. Sending caring hugs. DDD
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    A gentle reminder to the principal that if your son gets 10 suspensions you can look for alternative placement for difficult child that will come out of HIS (the principal's) school budget. I'm pretty sure that's the way the IEP protection works.

    I was appalled at my own advocate when she told the IEP team that if I had to come pick up son from school again, it should be counted as a suspension. I thought she was "throwing him under the bus" She explained that if he just gets sent home, then nothing will change, but if he gets a suspension, 10 or more in a semester, it means they are either not appropriately following the IEP or are UNABLE to follow the IEP and new placement gets to be considered at district expense. Of course, she' had years of experience with this school, and knew son's behavior issues were truly on the mild end and told me he'd never get a suspension again. She was right - for various reasons, including the fact that son was actually getting better with medication, but the school became more amenable and flexible.
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I do understand your frustration. Our kids have to deal with so much and it seems just when progress is being made, someone comes along and unravels all of the effort being made. It infurates me that the people that are in charge of our kids for so many hours of their life make matters that much worse for everyone. Then they sit back and say that they just don't understand why these kids just give up caring anymore.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I have found the state school board often helpful in such type situations. I've been known to state a problem area with them, they'll quote me a law backing my position up if there is one, explain it to me, and tell me to call them back if the school still refuses to comply after quoting them the law that states they must. Our schools hated that. A parent wasn't supposed to know the actual laws, let alone where to go to get the information. Most of the time the law quote was enough. But there have been times when the state school board has had to come down on them hard.

    I so understand your frustration.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hound, I had forgotten that I also contacted the State Board of Education Special Education people to get clarification of options and rights. It's been quite a long time ago but you're right...sometimes you get important info. DDD
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    This is NOT true. If a child is suspended for more than 10 days in a row or a series of removals that equal 10 days, then an IEP meeting should be convened. If a recent Functional Behavior Analysis has not been done, it must be done so that the Behavior Intervention Plan can be reviewed and modified. At that meeting, the IEP team may also discuss placement options to determine if the current placement is the Least Restrictive Environment that meets the child's educational needs. It is not required that the child's placement be changed.

    10 days of suspension DOES NOT allow the parent to seek unilateral placement in an alternate setting. Parents who unilaterally place their child in an alternate setting will be paying $$$ the tuition themselves. If a parent rejects the placement offered by the school, there are certain steps that must be followed in order to protect the parents right to get reimbursement from the school district. If those steps are not followed, the parents will not be entitled to reimbursement EVEN IF it is later determined (through due process) that the school's placement was inappropriate.
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have an advocate for my son. I shopped very carefully weeding out those that had a them against us and demanding the world type attitudes. The best scenario is one of mutal respect and an equal opportunity for our kids to get an appropriate education. Kids get suspended for violating school rules. Unfortunately, sometimes our kids do things knowingly to get suspended. My issue is when they heap on one consequence after another when that is not the case with a regular ed kid in the same circumstances or when the school failed to follow the BIP.
  9. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Sorry JJJ that was about as clear as mud. Here is an example. The first part seems to say that removing a child with a disability for 10 days = change of placement. The last sentence contradicts this? This is just one example of why I'm having a hard time understanding that page.

    "school officials can remove any child with a disability from his or her regular school placement for up to 10 school days at a time, even over the parents' objections, whenever discipline is appropriate and is administered consistent with the treatment of nondisabled children. Sec. 300.520(a)(1). However, school officials cannot use this authority to repeatedly remove a child from his or her current placement if that series of removals means the child is removed for more than 10 school days in a school year and factors such as the length of each removal, the total amount of time that the child is removed, and the proximity of the removals to one another lead to the conclusion that there has been a change in placement. Secs. 300.519-300.520(a)(1). There is no specific limit on the number of days in a school year that a child with a disability can be removed from
    his or her current placement."
  10. keista

    keista New Member

    JJJ is correct. I did not mean to imply that a parent can just automatically choose the next (if any) placement. That would be done with the whole IEP including parents. However, following JJJ's link I did find the 'caveat' I was referencing. It's section 5 close to the bottom of the page.
    IOW even if the child, with an IEP, is suspended, their education and services must continue, beginning on the 11th day. Kids without an IEP generally do not get the privilege of continuing their education while suspended.
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh thanks so much everyone...fortunately I have worked in sp. ed for 20 blah some years (dating myself) and I am super comfortable with the laws. We have dealt with the 10 times suspension issue in past settings and I was the one that demanded a manifestation determination hearing. Sad for them that I have three doctor that testified ALL of the behaviors are a result of brain injury and autism. Everyone agreed. So in his IEP I have a statement that (not exact words here) says Due to difficult child's brain injury and autism he is not able to follow school and district behavioral policies as written. All discipline actions will include the special education team. That has been in his IEP for years. The sp. ed team, including the district team that has been brought in to assist the school team with behaviors and including our home Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) psychologist and Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) team and myself were part of a complete re-evaluation including the FBA last was actually a year early but everyone agreed it was necessary. Having done these many years myself, I have to say it was an excellent report and included all of the private evaluations/opinions I wanted. A really great behavior plan has been started (had a good one before but he changed and we always have to monitor and adjust right?) and they even carried it through summerschool which is totally different than reg. year. It is going well. My experience is that once documentation leaves the Special Education. team and goes to the principal then he feels he needs to add something, he simply doesn't understand that these behaviors are status quo for my kiddo, not a day of disrespect that needs to be punished. I feel like his choice to do this says that it doesn't matter what all of the professionals on the team say, he is gonna look like he is in control of it. But it really makes everything spin out of control .

    difficult child hates being autistic and brain injured. Asks the neuro if he has to die to get rid of all of this? Asks if she can please put his brain back in so it wont make so many mistakes. He told a child this year he was autistic and going to commit suicide because he can't stand worrying about being in trouble all of the time. It is so sad and the team has been trying to make sure he does things he CAN do so he will feel success. He has a job in the cafeteria every morning and is doing so well there They love him. No one ever says that! It is just that even with the best program ever for him...(the setting is the best- we have tried everything and he needs some general peers or things get much worse as he copies all bad behaviors around him). I actually sold my home and moved into this setting 5 years ago because no school setting was working where we were.
    I have used advocates, haven't needed them to actually come recently, but I did tell them in my tactfully worded email today that I will be including them now because we need to solve this one issue. It does feel at times administration just wants to document that things are so bad he should be in a special needs only setting. It would make their life easier. I am docummenting everything they say to me including phone calls because after this incident I specifically ased if all was okay and the teacher said yes (and she meant it...just principal disagreed)...she said the behavior plan worked and he turned it around and did well the rest of the day. NO ONE on the Special Education. team feels that he needs a suspension or different setting, and that is the frustration. That an administrator can legally (up to the ten times as was stated) interfere with the IEP team. We meet as a whole group (I am talking 8-12 people each time) every 3-4 weeks to review data and tweek things. I share dr. info with them and their info with docs. I love doing this for him but when things like this happen it feels like, OMGosh, I am banging my head against the wall. I know I'm not but I am by nature not confrontive, so this has been ten years of learning to be much more assertive.

    My dr. appointment went well...blood pressure was high, go figure, but by the end of the appointment It was normal again. STRESS??????
    i love that you guys get it....I am so grateful. by the way, I agree the serenity prayer does help..that is not lame at all...and I do deep breathing too. I walk/bike or swim daily. Still fat but losing weight, smile. Mostly it helps with the stress!

    ta for now, Dee
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the update, Dee. It sounds like your son is blessed having an educated Warrior Mom to fight for his highest quality of life. Even well prepared...there are still "sick stomach" days. Heaven help us all and our difficult children. Hugs DDD
  13. keista

    keista New Member

    A thought occurred to me - Is the administration ever invited to the IEP team meetings? If not, maybe extend an invite.

    It's one of those "DUH" type of things, but "we" assume that the administration is aware of our kids' IEP's, BIP's, 504s, whatever. And they probably are, but just vaguely. I've been thinking back on meetings regarding both son and DD1 and all the times, BEFORE administration was present at a meeting they were rather adversarial. AFTER a meeting, not so much. They still come at "problems" in a strictly disciplinarian approach, but after learning about the child's issues, through even one meeting, they actually SEE some of the details and problems of the issues and SEE exactly how their staff handles things on an ongoing basis.

    If this principal has never been to any team meeting, you might want to consider extending an invitation. I did this instinctually for DD1's last meeting. The principal still doesn't "get it" but is a bit closer to understanding that DD1 truly does not CHOOSE to misbehave when she does. Trying to try to get your principal to "get it" through such a meeting might be worth the effort especially since it sounds as if these suspensions actually set your difficult child backwards.
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sorry to say (because I would like to think I didn't need it) but that means a lot to me because sometimes I just feel like a pest. My head knows that is absolutely not the case, but the little insecure kid in me feels it.
    by the way, funny thing (or not so) I actually am sick to my stomach now, maybe I ate something yesterday? it often all hits on one day, right?
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Or... its stress-induced...
    Or... the level of stress you're under makes you more prone to catching every bug going around...

    No matter what the cause... look after yourself!
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I will, haha, after I break the news that we now have an added doctor appointment TODAY for him...sigh.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad you are so well versed with the laws and intricacies of special education. You most certainly are NOT a pest, you are a Warrior Mom!!!

    While the principal may be ABLE to do this over-ride of the team, it is certainly NOT in his, the schools, or your son's best interest. I wonder what a civil rights atty would say about his actions? I know that sometimes principals are just too in love with power and they exercise it in ways guaranteed to cause problems, often just because they can or are PMSing (not just for women - my mother says it also stands for Permanent Man Syndrome, lol but not totally joking with this type of power play behavior) or it gives them some thrill or other.

    I know that MWM got the civil rights section of her state board of ed involved and got some great results. It might be worth a phone call or three to find out what the state board of ed and/or state and district superintendent of education and school boards think of a principal who goes in, days later, and imposes punishment on a disabled child who cannot help his actions because he has a serious brain injury? At the very least they will be aware of the way this would look in the media if you were able to get attention called to it. Given your experience in sp ed, it seems you likely have some impressive community contacts. Not just other educators, former students and their families also are useful connections when something like this happens.

    Being the child of educators, I have seen the best and worst of many who work in schools. Some feel that if they are not flexing their power they are not doing their job. In your son's case, it sounds like everything was handled appropriately and then this man tromped all over everything.

    What you have to look forward to if you don't stop this is juvie. He will begin to call the police on your child and will press charges. It is happening more and more and more and in my opinion is just wrong in most cases. First of all, go to the state school board and ask how to handle this. Ask how this is handled because your child is protected by an IEP and is NOT supposed to be punished for behaviors that are a manifestation of his illness and that is EXACTLY what the principal is doing. You have provided MORE than enough proof of his disabilities. Also contact NAMI and various groups who advocate for the disabled. If you let this go on with-o challenging it, it will just get worse. Even if you can't stop this one suspension, you can make the man see that it is unwise to rile the Warrior Momma Bear by violating her child's rights. Heck, for the fun of it, call the school district's attorney and ask if he would support this action of the principal. YOU won't have to pay the man - the school will, probably out of the principal's budget depending on the arrangement, and as this IS a violation of your son's protection under IDEA, well, if he is halfway decent the atty will try to at least tone the principal down so that the school doesn't have its' fanny hanging out there begging for swift kick.

    Sometimes it isn't just knowing the rules, it is figuring out who to approach to make the difficult person see how very expensive this action might be - financially, politically and career-wise. people who get lawyers upset and various advocacy groups involved in a negative way often do not get the good promotions and assignments. So often we are used to using one system to handle an issue, in your case the special education system through the school, that we forget that there are other systems that can also be helpful.

    If the suspension stands, how can you make it a really good day for your son, NOT a day of punishment? As the behavior is as much under difficult child's control as coughing or getting the flu is, there is not reason for him to have a day of punishment. What did he want to do over the summer but you couldn't because it would be too crowded or hot or whatever? What does he like to do? Plan to spend at least part of the day doing that - not to overstimulate him or get him thrown too far out of his routine, but to let him know that htis is NOT his fault and that in no way do you or the IEP team blame him. If nothing else, what sensory activities are calming but maybe you haven't done in a while? If you want ideas and/or haven't read it, The Out of Sync Child Has Fun by Kranowitz is amazing (ALL my kids and my husband and I love the activities in it, and I have done a lot of them with my kids' classes at parties, etc... because they just are fun for all, not just a child with challenges, Know what I mean??)

    I do think it is important to invite this principal to the IEP meetings if he will come. If not, maybe a letter from your son's neurologist or other specialist would carry some weight? We had one principal who ignored everything written up by a psychologist, sp ed teacher/expert, etc... but a letter or call from a doctor who specialized in "hard science", meaning not psychiatry or psychology, carried a lot of weight. Just another avenue that might get through to him.

    I hope the principal backs down and that if he doesn't, you can manage to have a good day with your difficult child and not let this put him into a tailspin. Your difficult child has had way more than his share of hard knocks and does NOT deserve this.
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    in my opinion, the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) works in your favor... There is no way that his behavior is psychosomatic... The major brain surgery created a disability, and the behavior is the result of the injury.

    You may suspect prior issues, but YOU don't put that argument forward because the behavoir would not be nearly so bad if it wasn't for the too much information. The focus is the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI).
  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    InsaneCdn, I totally agree. I have always said, in some respects he is lucky we have MRI's that SHOW that he has a legitimate brain injury. I know that is why we get the amount of service we do. I dont want to sound like I am complaining at is just that even in great circumstances I have found I have to be vigilant because it only takes ONE incident to end the whole thing.
    IRONY....difficult child has been amazing tonight. Every time he says "ok mom" when I say he can't go out again or no to whatever (I dont say no to everything but he hates any NO response usually) My eyes get big and I think, who are you? He has had a cold/sore throat for over a week and I always underestimate how this affects him. Today he woke and said, my throat feels MUCH better. go figure. Last year in the middle of the transition to the new behavior plan, when a bunch of things went horrible at first, what did he get??? MONO! poor dude.
  20. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Well, at least he acts better when he is sick instead of worse.