That sinking feeling...

[Lil]

Had our talk. Included the bit about "If we ever have reason to believe you're doing anything illegal, you are out of this house immediately." He insists he isn't. I pointed out synthetic isn't free. He says he's only doing is when someone offers him a hit. Do I believe him? I don't know. Not completely.

Also told him he has to get a job by October and we are not supporting him until he's 20. I don't care if he doesn't want to work fast food. I don't care what job he gets. He can be a kiss-o-gram for all I care. But this kid us getting a darn job!

Sent from my PC36100 using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[SeekingStrength]

Hi Lil,

Chiming in because my difficult child used synthetic pot. We learned this from his girlfriend. She has since told us he is no longer using. Who knows?

Our daughter, who has had nothing to do with difficult child in years, commented, "That's not so bad. Miley Cyrus uses it". (Disclaimer: i have no idea if MC uses or not)." But, it will make difficult child not care if he gets a job or not. I can get a job tomorrow." This was when difficult child was 32 yo. He was out of work for six months....the entire time he used it.

He supposedly has a job now and is (supposedly) not using.

When difficult child was 19 yo, I would have thought much like you. husband and i held such hope. difficult child had much going in his favor.

Your son may break out of this and i hope he does! Just saying, after what i learned (okay, much of it by Googling), synthetic pot is bad stuff. Scarier than we might think when we hear of it. Hey, at least it's not real pot. Wrong thinking, husband and i found out.

And, this is NOT coming from a person who never smoked pot. Another disclaimer: I had a job and went to work every day.

 

[Lil]

Supposedly he went to the factory today...no job. Everyone else gets hired on the spot, and he tells me they just took his application and he doesn't know why. Of course, he went in dirty clothes and ... whatever. I suppose it's possible that they weren't doing the "hire on the spot" thing this time, or he's still lying. There was a LONG discussion I didn't want to have because he just keeps "trying to explain" things. I don't WANT an explaination! I just want him to get his head out of his butt and DO what needs done!

 

[Childofmine]

Oh Lil, I am sorry. You are walking the road we have all walked. This is how it unfolds. They talk, we wait and hope, and they talk some more.

No action. Or very little action, just enough to keep us engaged and hoping and praying.

Lil, sadly, unfortunately, truly----it will start to change when you start to take decisive new actions and set even stronger boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate from your son.

I KNOW how hard it is to do this, believe me. It is inch by inch.

And you'll go backward inches at a time as well because when you start doing something new, there will be LOTS of pushback. Drama. More chaos. Emotion. Threats.

You know the drill, Lil, because you have read this site.

Don't buy the synthetic pot bstuff.

A funny story: Before difficult child started his dramatic jump off the cliff into unthinkable stuff, we had a long conversation about hookah. To set the stage, I had never heard of this. I had no idea what it even was. difficult child was spending $10 a pop with his friends going to hookah bars and doing whatever they do there. I said: Isn't that bad for you? He said: Oh, no, Mom, it's awesome. You don't even inhale. There's not one bad or harmful thing about it. I do the strawberry margarita flavor. Mom, come do it with me. Please, please please, it would be fun....blah, blah, blah.

First of all, there was no way I was going to a hookah bar---just from the outside they look awful. And I have no desire to sit around and smoke. (thus says the long-reformed cigarette smoker). Anyway, I went and looked it up, of course. Same effects as nicotine and smoking cigarettes.

Lil, they will say ANYTHING to rationalize what they do and did. And expect us to buy it. You know, I'm not a dumb person and I finally told difficult child to stop with the bstuff. It's insulting. And I can google as well as anybody.

Lil, he is right now showing you who he is...today. In order for him to continue on the painful path (our difficult children take the MOST painful paths) to growing up, you are going to have to get out of the way. And let him take the natural and real consequences of making the choices that he continues to make.

There are jobs on every corner. I no longer buy any bstuff about "can't get a job." You can get a job today if you want one, if you really want one. Anybody can.

Warm Hugs. When you are sick and tired, Lil, you will be ready to take more steps. You will be ready when you are ready, and not before. I wish things were different, but this is reality.

We have to stop enabling, detach with love, and accept reality. That is our mission statement to wholeness and much healthier behavior---from us---in dealing with difficult children.

What they will do with that remains to be seen, for all of us.

 

[Lil]

Don't buy the synthetic pot bstuff.

I hope you didn't mean buy as in literally hand over money!

No, I don't buy it, literally or figuratively. I know it's horrible stuff. The first time I found out when he was 17 I did my research. I'm MUCH rather pot was legal than that stuff by "legal". Not that I'm a fan of any mood-altering substance, but at least I know what's in pot...it's pot.

I just really wish he'd quit "explaining" himself. He goes on and on when he's in these moods. It started with someone who wasn't even at the job fair thing telling him "You should have been interviewed there! You should have been drug tested then. Something wasn't right. You should call them." Which frustrated him because he said he filled out the application, gave it to the HR person, was asked a couple questions about his lack of prior employment "What have you been doing for the last year?" which lead to him stumbling and stuttering over how he went to college but that didn't really work out. Which lead to them asking why that wasn't on the application, leading to more stumbling and stuttering over how he didn't actually get any college credits....you get the idea. They told him they'd call him and sent him on his way.

So he's of the opinion that he blew it. Literally every person who's walked into that factory for the last MONTH has been hired on the spot, all they had to do was pass the drug test, and he wasn't. So he's all bummed and frustrated. And so he has to talk.

I don't want to hear it! He ended up going on and on over fast food and how he doesn't want to work fast food and how he hates it and it sucks and he'll get sucky hours with people he hates. With that attitude he WILL hate it! I told him that. I told him, if he takes the position it will suck - then it will suck!

It's the usual, "I'm trying so hard." When he's just not. He asked if he was looking hard enough to suit me. I told him, "I don't know! I have absolutely no way of knowing what you are and aren't doing. I'm not home and you are answering Craig's List ads instead of going to company websites. You've lied SO much I have no reason to believe you even went to the job fair today? So NO. I'm not happy with how much you are doing!"

It's the usual, "I just want to explain my feelings and I can find the words." This time I told him, "You know what, maybe your 'feelings' just don't matter. It doesn't matter what you want or how unhappy it makes you. Sometimes you just have to get over your 'feelings' and do what has to be done."

I truly hate talking to him when he's in these moods. My son can actually have fairly interesting conversations about stuff I actually have an interest in from time to time. We had an hour long conversation, him, his father and me, about some Biblical Apocrypha the other day that he was reading - doubly odd since he's an atheist - but it was such a pleasant and interesting conversation. He's been in a decent mood. The job being the only sticking point right now.

At the end of our discussion last night he, once again, tried to "explain" why he keeps talking and talking after we're already getting ticked off at him. He wants to "explain" and end the conversation on a better note. I told him, "When you are upset do you want us to keep pestering and pestering you? Sometimes, it's just better to shut the Hell up!" lol - Then his dad came home and the conversation stopped. I'm always the one he dumps this stuff on. smh

 

[hopeandjoy66]

Hey Lil, you are sounding like a parent that is just about had enough or perhaps has. If these responses of yours are not your usual, then I would say this is definitely a step forward in this battle. Sometimes I think kid/adults use the "feeling card" and I think you trumped it. It isn't about whether we will like this job or not. My son who went to University and earned his degree is working at a Toyota Factory and really doesn't, lets say, love it. However in the end he knows he has a daughter and fiance counting on him. So he just has to suck it up for now. You have given your son a deadline and he should be sweating about that and realize he is best to suck it up or else he will not have a place to live. Does he know how much work it will be if he has to leave your house and find a place, a job, make his own meals ect..... Boy, I would be cleaning toilets at the bus station so I didn't have to face this scenario.
Good for you Lil.

 

[Lil]

Well crud. Now I feel just terrible.

My son mentioned the factory again and I told him just say, "Since it was a job fair I thought there would be interviews." He said, "You keep saying Job Fair but it wasn't like last time. There wasn't lots of people and there weren't any signs or anything. It was just filling out an application and giving it to the HR lady." I go thru my deleted emails and find the flyer I got in the mail...and he was supposed to go to the state career center - not the factory. He went to the wrong place completely and I'm the one who told him where to go. They were doing the interviews at the career center. So now he's all like, "Well, I'll call tomorrow, but it may be too little too late since they were hiring at the job fair!" And he's right! And it's all my fault! I feel like such an awful person. I never even read the whole thing, I just saw the date and told him about it. He had know way to know, because I didn't forward him the email.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

You are allowed to make a mistake, Lil.

Now you know something invaluable.

You know he is trying.

In future, he will have to track down and verify the leads you give him.

You are doing a great job in a tough situation.

Cedar

 

[Lil]

Yes, at least I know now he actually went. Doesn't make me feel a lot better, but some. Funny thing is I feel like poo and he's not that upset. He was a little at first, but now he plans on calling and just telling them he didn't know they were having a job fair on Tuesday (which he kind of did, but he didn't where - at this point he's saying I didn't even tell him it was a job fair, which I totally did, but whatever) and had just come in to apply, then yesterday found out about the career center thing, which had on the spot interviews and that he hopes that by applying at the factory didn't hurt his chances, as he really wants a job.

It will be what it is. At least if they give him an interview he will have a second chance to make a decent impression by wearing something clean and not being a slob. If he gets a job there he does, if he doesn't he doesn't. He can still look elsewhere.

 

[Lil]

I know my son's job hunt - or lack thereof - is becoming a bit of a chronicle...but it's nice to vent. So here's the latest:

He calls today because he can't find the phone number to the factory. I go on line, find a couple, give them to him. He calls back and both are no good. I try the actual paper phone book. Give him three numbers (one of which he'd already tried).

He calls back about 15 minutes later, in his usual huffy, OMG PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID HOW DO I DEAL WITH LIFE manner. After two bad numbers he finally gets a human at the 3rd, and has to go through the guy who answered and then two different HR people, but he has an interview next Wednesday at 11. You'd think he'd had to climb a mountain and swim a swollen river with a baby grand piano on his back - calling three numbers and talking to three people was THAT much work!

He mentioned that he'd found out they were doing on-the-spot interviews at the job fair, and stated if he'd known about that, he'd have gone there and been interviewed and maybe have a job now. They told him that actually, if he'd gone there, been interviewed and was chosen, he would STILL have had to go to the factory and interview again and fill out a second application and do the drug test...so all in all, he short-cut half the process by skipping the job fair and applying to the factory.

I pointed out that he also gets a second chance to make a good impression...by going clean and neatly dressed to the interview and letting them know that, if they don't need him for warehouse, he has office skills and would be happy to take an office job. (In fact he'd prefer it, but let's face it...the boy doesn't have people skills.)

So...I don't expect to see him lift a finger to look for anything else until after next Wednesday, [Why don't we have an eye-roll smilie? It would be so very appropriate a lot of the time.] but at least he has the interview.

 

[Lil]

by the way - That the last help I give this kid! I can't believe he called me for phone numbers...but then again, I'm not sure we even own a phone book at home. smh

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Progress!

Kids can be so funny.

You've worked harder than he has, Lil.

:0)

Hope he gets the job!

Cedar

 

[Lil]

Today's the day. Interview at 1 p.m.

You know, a newcomer at our church told me last Sunday she was hired on the spot last Tuesday at the same factory. (I had mentioned to her the Sunday before that they were hiring, as she had said she was looking for work...just being helpful.) This Sunday she tells me that she went on Tuesday and they hired her, all because she woke up last Sunday and thought she'd try out our church. She felt like it was a sign. I'm happy for her, but I keep thinking about it and finding it hard to work today. She was hired the same day he said he went. I do actually think he went...but why wasn't he interviewed? Maybe the HR person was so unimpressed they didn't bother to talk to him more? Yesterday I couldn't help myself but to tell him to give himself that best chance by actually cleaning himself up and wearing interview appropriate clothing, and to remember, if he doesn't get it, it's likely because he has no job experience and he can get something else. His dad limited himself to saying, "If you don't get it and are all upset and having a meltdown, DON'T call your mother until you calm down. Don't upset her at work!"

I keep finding myself dwelling and nervous. I hate this feeling, because I know I'm helpless here. It's all on him. Keep fingers crossed for him please...and maybe a little prayer wouldn't hurt. I just am expecting the worst.

 

[Childofmine]

I am praying for you and for difficult child right now.

Lil, you did something really good in helping your new friend from church. Stay in that for a moment. You shared some information you had, she took it and ran with it, and something good happened for her.

That is how most interactions with healthy people work. We help each other. Things happen. Everybody smiles.

But not with our difficult children. Don't expect the same thing to happen with your difficult child---through your help and advice---that happened with your new friend.

It's a whole different thing.

You may never know what in the world is different when he goes there---to that factory---compared with what happens when your new friend went there.

But he is responsible for it, not you. In fact, Lil, you don't even need to know

Breathe into this situation today. Try your best to say nothing. Try your best to focus on your own life and responsibilities, and stay out of the way so he has a chance to focus on his. If you choose to answer the phone after the time of his interview, go ahead and do it. You would love to hear some good news, and perhaps there will be some good news.

If there is not, or there is uncertainty, say this: Well, I'm sure you did your best. Let's hope for the best. There is always tomorrow. I have to go work now. See you at home later. I love you.

Don't get yourself upset at work. Fake it til you make it.

Warm hugs. I know you are anxious and want the very best for your son. There is just as great a chance than something good will happen as something bad.

People do what they want to do. People make choices.

 

[Lil]

Fake it til you make it.

LOL I might have to make this my new mantra.

I am so pleased for the new lady at church. (This is totally off topic, but what a nice story...so I'll share.) She actually came late, thinking our church service was after Sunday school, when in fact it's before, so a member directed her to my Sunday school class last week, which is taught by our pastor, bringing her disabled sister (Downs perhaps?) with her. She mentioned she was new in town, attending the local college, and looking for work, so I mentioned the job fair and that they were advertising that they had openings for students, evenings and weekends.

I must admit, I didn't expect them to return. Our congregation is mostly older (I'm one of the youngsters at 50) and VERY predominately white - we have two African American members who have been very active in the church in the past, but their work has caused attendance conflicts and they haven't been in a few weeks - so when they aren't there it's 100% old white people, lol. We're pretty darn liberal for being an older congregation, and very open-minded. Still, I thought she might have been uncomfortable being the only African Americans in attendance.

But, Sunday she returned, bringing her sister AND her 14 year old son. She said she had just woken up the prior Sunday and said, "I think I need to find a church home." and ours is walking distance from her apartment. She said, "I came here, met you nice people, got a lead on a job, got the job and it was like providence." I guess sometimes the Lord works in not-very-mysterious ways too.

 

[Lil]

HE GOT IT! HE GOT IT! HE GOT IT!

Assuming, of course, he passed the drug test, he starts September 17th.

Now just keep it...that's all mom asks.

 

[TearyEyed]

Its good to hear the news!

 

[Childofmine]

Great news Lil. Enjoy the moment.

 

[in a daze]

Yay!!!! It's such a great feeling when they finally get a job! Keep us posted Lil.

 

[youngmomwithadultson]

HI there, I'm still in the middle of my difficult child coming and going. He's 21. Ive had what I call my aha moment and I've had a recent relapse so I have a lot of sympathy for what you are going through. The first thought of kicking him out seems devastating and impossible until you start to see how beneficial the separation will be. Eventhough I have yet to be completely successful with my efforts to separate from my difficult child, the efforts I made gave him some highly beneficial tools. The two times he did leave the house he developed excellent skills at getting a job. He's terrible at keeping a job though but man can he get them. He found out that just completing applications will get you hired in some places. He has built some life skills. He will build more. I've set the next deadline to move. I've seen many others do what i'm about to do and i'm moving and he can't come with me. Its weird how that seems to be the case as if the house becomes the common factor and once you can change that, it helps. That probably doesn't mean much to you right now though. Read the detachment article and re read it over and over. Practice one line at a time until it takes effect. Try setting a deadline that makes sense for you like 7 months from now you will be leaving.. that's a lot of time. But also how about, in the last month you will only be allowed in the house from 10pm to 7am because the rest of the time you should be working or in school... its okay to insist on some effort.. this is something in between. just an idea that has worked for me although its that awful place on the fence and one day you have to get to the point of letting go.. i'm sorry to say for both of us..