*That Sunday* is coming up

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, May 5, 2009.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think there was a thread about this in previous years. Mother's Day is NOT my favorite day of the year, in fact it's one of my least favorite, for many reasons.

    Not a word so far from either of my girls about any plans for Sunday, although it's still early in the week. Still, I don't expect there to be any unless I make them. Some years I handle this better than others; mostly, I've just gotten used to it. Yeah, bah humbug :p

    How do I cope with it? While my girls may not always be eternally grateful to me for raising them, I remind myself how grateful *I* am for being alive, for having great friends, a great job, and having survived things I never thought I could have. YAY ME! My girls have come a LONG way.. and I'm grateful for that, too :)
  2. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Crazy,
    I remember a few years ago when difficult child 1 was still living in our house and she did not acknowledge the day at all though she was well aware of it. When she was younger she'd always make a big deal of it. I felt really hurt.

    On the other hand, my son, who never remembers any special days, bought me a couple of rose bushes a few years ago for Mother's Day. I was so shocked!

    difficult child 2/easy child means well but she never gets anyone anything on time so I don't take that personally.

    Like you, I have made this day into my own. I like to go with husband and pick out flowers to plant in planters for our porch and have him cook dinner or I will barbecue if the weather is nice. I just do whatever I feel like doing and husband is always there to help out and keep me company. Sometimes I have ended up having to work on Mother's Day and that is okay too.

    I think we mothers of difficult children have to take the initiative to make it a nice day since we can't count on our kids to do it!

  3. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member

    I was dreading 'that Sunday'. I have been in such a mood. Tears. Sadness. It's been three weeks since I've heard from him. He's still at my sister's house. His grades have tanked. I've wanted so badly to contact him.

    A friend of mine saw him at his sporting event. My son volunteered that he hadn't spoken with me in three weeks. (I was surprised that he knew the exact time.) My friend asked why he hasn't called me and my son said he's been busy.

    And then today, an email from my son. It said, "I was going to ask if maybe you wanted to go to breakfast with me on mother's day. Maybe at the [restaurant name]? I would pay. If you don't want to or can't please let me know as soon as you can."

    Yea! :D
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Mother's Day is difficult on a variety of levels, I think. I started the first thread a few years ago in Watercooler about how tough it was........not about me but because I miss my own Mom so much on Mother's Day.

    I haven't heard from Rob. It will be interesting to see if he contacts me or wants to get together. We'll see.

  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I have no clue what you are talking about. Apparently neither do any of my kids.
  6. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I hate Mother's Day. It reminds me that my mother hated me. The difficult children won't get me anything (so what else is new?), easy child will probably go with husband to get some flowers. That will make me very happy.

    I also hate Christmas, Thanksgiving and my birthday. Oh, well, maybe I should work on my attitude!
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Jumping on the bandwagon. I hate Mother's Day -- it always brings back the grief of infertility. husband is awful about doing things for me on holidays. This year I sent him and e-mail listing the things he should do, if he does half I'll be shocked but he said to give him a list LOL.

    Mostly I try to use the day to honor my mom and grandma, and I try to cry in private because no one understands.
  8. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Geez, JJJ! You're right! The grief of infertility. I can't believe I forgot that! All the hopes and dreams of merging our gene pools, all the miscarriages.
  9. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Alley-oop! Jumping on the bandwagon too. HATE mother's day.

    My darling Grandmother, who was truly the only mother I ever knew, has been dead for 28 years now. Sorely missed, but she's the one I would want to honour on Mother's Day. Instead, I grieve for her.

    difficult child-mom, who resented my existence since she got the positive pregnancy test...haven't spoken to her in years, and don't intend to start now.

    Little easy child is a sweetheart, and usually takes great pains to make me a card and a present for Mother's Day. He's the only one who acknowldeges Mother's Day for me, and I treasure each object dearly.

    difficult child and Step D don't bother, and don't notice.

    husband is busy celebrating the day for his own mother, and doesn't think it's appropriate to get something for his wife. Um...the mother of his children. Carrying 2 of them right this moment...

    I grieve for the 7 or 8 miscarried babies (lost count because it became too traumatic to keep score) that I will never know, but who still live in my heart.

    brother in law and sister in law don't have any children of their own, so they're a bit removed from the whole concept of motherhood. Like husband, they celebrate for their mother.

    We usually have a big celebration for mother in law. She's a darling, she's 85, and she deserves every minute of the party thrown in her honour, but not once during any of those celebrations over the years has anyone ever said, "Oh yeah! Trinity, you're a mom too. Happy Mother's Day."

    So I smile and smile, and pretend it doesn't hurt. But it does. Like a knife to the heart.
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I know some of these feelings. Since I've no biological children, but always wanted them, it feels like I was robbed of the right. First by my X, who couldn't be bothered, and now by fate, as husband is fixed.

    I always make sure to do something, no matter how small, for my mother in law and Mom. And I always send a card to my Grandma... This year no one had to remind me! She's in her late 80s so it means a lot to her.

    For the last three years, difficult child 2 has brought home things he made at school. Up till last year, he only made one item - and brought it to me, not BM. Talk about humbling. Last year, since the Occupational Therapist (OT) lady at the school knew the situation, he made two things, one for each mom (I like this lady, too bad she didn't move up grade levels with him). When he went to BM's last year though the gift for her vanished. Sneaking suspicion, since this was during some of difficult child 1's worst behavior, she did something with it. The reason I think so is that she told him that I had it. Uh huh. I don't like the woman, but she did give birth to them. That's worth something at least.

    Two years ago, husband and difficult child 1 went out & bought me a rosebush I had admired. I didn't tell them it was a gardenia (I am allergic to them...)! My Mom, however, let him in on it - nicely. Poor thing died, though - I have a black thumb.

    Last year, father in law and husband got together to get me a basket of plants. 4 of the 5 are still alive! So it's only brown, not black.

    I do get remembered. My parents remember, too. However it hurts. I always wanted one of my own, and won't ever have any. I love the difficult children, and I know they think of me as an extra parent, but there will always be that something missing.

    Of course, it's my opinion that anyone who has ever taken care of another person, even if it wasn't their child, should be wished Happy Mothers' Day and Happy Fathers' Day.
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Suz, I know it is somewhat risky, but have you told your son that Mother's Day is a difficult day for you because you miss your mother so much?

    When I told my son this, he became more interested in Mother's Day. Previous to that, during the difficult teen years, he was not always the sweetest kid on that day. After I told him that, he was much kinder. A few years later, when the crazy years passed, he was actually really lovely. (knock on wood/thanking God).

    difficult child also got a little better...it's never on the same scale. But there are remanants of awareness. She pulls back...she understands and although it is subtle and I wish her powers to empathize were a little greater, I can see that she understands and tries to act accordingly.

    Like I mentioned in the other threads re: this, over the years, I have learned to tell husband when difficult dates are coming up. Sometimes he pampers me a bit. It is because I know in my heart a rough one is coming up...and so I tell him. He may or may not see it coming. If I tell him...there is no doubt. When he does a little extra pampering...it helps take the sting away.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    How do you handle it?

    Like every other holiday - I celebrate the day not the holiday. I celebrate the fact that I'm alive, mostly healthy, healthier than most - able to get up, go to a job, able to walk, talk, chew gum (not altogether). I celebrate that while I'm not rich in pocket I am rich in spirit - and I have three wonderful furkids that never know it's Mother's Day ONE day a year - they make me feel it's Mother's Day every night when I come home. My son, NEVER jumped at the fence and howled (that I know of) upon my return home.

    I celebrate that I have this board, a computer - friends here and people who understand me when I say I hate holidays - I'm understood and not persecuted. Or When I say "This year I LOVE holidays." because I'm in a better place mentally - no one says "Well last year you said you HATED holidays."

    I celebrate the fact that despite all the bad, horrible, unwanted, unmentionalbe carp in my life - I'm alive and can choose to celebrate any day- any way I choose - be it - a picnic in a park with bugs, ants, and vultures - or staying in bed with the room darkened, a bag of double chocolate MIlano cookies and a can of coke to comfort me.

    And if by chance - my son - remembers to say "I love you" ANYDAY - I'm thankful.


    what I can't stand is all the MOms who have children who REMEMBER them with presents, dinners, cakes, flowers, scrapbooks endearing their lives to their children, gifts of kittens, cars, rings, jewelry......and then come to work on Monday and say """""""I GOT""""""""

    Yeah - I got it too - my kid just forGOT. lol

    Maybe we should put holidays on a wheel and just spin - this month instead of Mothers Day we're going to have Kwanza - THAT should throw the fam.....
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Presents? Dinners? Cakes and Flowers? Scrapbooks, kittens, cars and jewelry?


    If the difficult children didn't have father in law and my Mom to remind them, nothing would happen. I'll be lucky if I get a card - though I did make it very clear to father in law, husband and difficult child 1 that it would be very nice. But not expected.

    Maybe I can get them to clean the house for me instead.

    I KNOW, I'm dreaming. Hallucinating, maybe!
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

  15. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    (Timid little voice) Umm... Since I figured out that my parents asking me to clean was REASONABLE?

    LOL! Yeah no joke - although I bet if I hint, husband would bribe difficult child 1 into it. difficult child 2 will be with BM. But difficult child 1 wants new combat boots... :devil2:
  16. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My girls grew up with no one to "remind" them or coax them to celebrate me on mother's day. Sure they knew it was coming, when they were reallly young, teachers sometimes did gifts in class. Since their dad and I split when they were 3 and 7, their dad stopped ackowledging the day and helping them get gifts/cards (even though I continued to help them select father's day gifts for many years to come). No family around to do this, either (his family dropped contact after we split, and my parents were 500 miles away). I suppose all of this contributed to the issue, they simply never learned to do anything on that day. I used to say silly things like, "I'd just like NO ARGUING on Mother's Day" which was of course, well, silly (and unrealistic!)

    But... they're adults now. I sometimes cling to the hope that the appreciation switch will magically go on in their heads and they'll gush about what a wonderful mother i am and how much I've sacrificed for them over the years.. how I've always been there for them.. yada yada yada, and will take me to brunch and bring me flowers and ....then I wake up!

    I will say that when I DO get a card, they pick ones that say I'm a great mom and they love me and appreciate me. I suppose I should thank Hallmark for that commercial acknowledgment, at least, since they can't say it themselves?!
  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I am the odd woman out I guess. I love Mothers' Day. Not because of the the whole "Hallmark" of the day., as in the obligation to buy something.

    I love Mother's Day because while it would be nice to be appreciated everyday, it's nice to pause and celebrate mothers everywhere at least for this one Sunday in May.

    And I'm not only talking about myself, my mom, my sisters, aunts and grandmothers.

    I'm talking about other moms, such as difficult child's friend who at 19 just had her first baby and she's so nervous she's sleeping at her mom's this week (just had him over the weekened). Or those moms who, against all odds, dug down deep within themselves and saved their children and themselves from an abusive parent. Or the grandmas who take in their grandkids because their own parents can't hack it. Or all the other moms with special stories.

    I think Mother's Day is about waaaaay more than being celebrated by your own children - it's about celebrating Mothers everywhere and their role in raising all of the children, not only their own. It's about celebrating yourself FOR yourself.

    I gave up on expecting my of difficult child to do something without provocation from easy child on Mother's day. I just don't expect anything at all from difficult child. easy child always writes me the most beautiful heartfelt mother's day card, which I cherish.

    I expect that on Mother's Day I will likely have breakfast made for me by H (because he knows I like that), he may even take us out to breakfast. I expect that one or both of my girls will clean the house a bit, I probably won't have to walk a dog that day and if it's nice out, I may get to putter about in my gardens planting flowers. The more I expect, the more disappointed I am. So I've turned it around and don't expect anything - I am nearly always pleasantly surprised by just accepting a nice day for myself, without fanfare. Peaceful. The only longing I will have is that of missing my mom.

    I know that there is a giant box with my name on it and that easy child planned and bought whatever is in it and difficult child had to give her some money for it. easy child has to work on Sunday and I don't like going out to dinner with everyone so much, so we'll likely just grill, which is H's job.

    I wish my mom were with me. That makes me a bit sad. I will call her and I sent her a couple of cards, but I sure wish I could hold her hand and share a meal with her that day. I hope my sister is nice to her.

    Make the day special to YOU for whatever reasons you like.
  18. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    great points.

    It's really what we chose to do and/or what we make of it in the end.
  19. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    I took matters into my own hands this year. Instead of dreading the upcoming day, over the last month, I've made about 25 handmade Mother's Day cards. I am mailing them today and tomorrow tothe women in my life who I don't usually include in my "happy mother's day" wishes - my aunts, cousins, neighbors, friends, and co-workers. Each one has a handwritten note telling them how much I admire them and appreciate their efforts as moms, teachers, coaches, and mentors.

    I've been just giddy picturing them opening the snail mail, and seeing the beautiful card, reading the note inside, and smiling from ear to ear.

    It's been my gift to myself - bringing joy to others.

    Since N* is pregnant, and due later this month, I am going to give her a card, too - along with a small bouquet of flowers. Oh! and I sent a card to the adoptive mom! Baby isn't officially here yet, but she and her husband have been wonderful.

    To all the moms, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, cousins, friends and neighbors: I hope you spend Mother's Day in a way you desire, knowing there are others who share in your joys and sorrows...

  20. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I haven't, Nomad, but I think it's a great idea. Thank you. Rob and I are finally "at that place" where I could share something like that and I think he would actually hear me.

    I'm happy to report that he called and announced that he wanted to get together on Mother's Day to do "anything you want, Mom." So sweet. I talked him into coming here on Saturday instead of Sunday so we could shop at a store that's closed on Sunday.

    There were so many Mother's Days filled with heartache that I appreciate every gesture, big and small. I'm just so dang PLEASED. It's quite wonderful.

    Trinity, my heart ached when I read your post because my ex also felt that MD wasn't something he needed to celebrate for me because it was about his Mom and not me...Stupid man...another reason he's my "ex"...I hope your husband comes to his senses one of these days.

    Jo, I think you and CJ have the right ideas about MD. Sometimes, when you are in the throes of pain with your kids it's difficult to remember that MD is more than just you...it's ALL Moms.

    I hope everyone of our family here has a delightful surprise this year from their kids.