That's it, husband quit, left last night..

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by paperplate, Jan 27, 2013.

  1. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    So I guess I'm alone. My son has Epilepsy and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Last weekend was my wedding anniversary, my son was in the psychiatric unit suffering from a complete breakdown thanks to Prozac and my husband left to watch football. When he finally left last night (long time coming), he said "Call me when you get that kid out of the house". HIS kid by the way. So I guess that's it. My husband has never attended one doctor or school appointment. I doubt he even knows how to get to the school! It's always been me. And 90% of the time, I spend all my energy trying to calm my HUSBAND down, rather than dealing with my son. Maybe this will be good thing. After 16 years, it's gonna be hard, but not impossible. Just wondering how many of u are single and coping? Is it possible to do this on my own? My son is only 13. And he's my blood...I'm not just gonna quit on him. And I'm not living in lala land. But the stimming and logic speak doesn't bother me. Never has. I just have to talk to him differently. I don't mind that he has to wear the same pair of shorts every single day or that it takes him an hour to get his socks on just so....I get it. I don't mind that I literally cannot joke with him! He takes everything literally...I get that! Why doesn't his father??? Why didn't he ever just attend one single therapy session??? Just ONE! I'm at a loss here. So fine....let's just trash the past 16 years & ditch mom to raise 3 kids simply because dad can't 'hang'.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Ostrich syndrome. More common than you'd think. I'm sorry hon. Lots of single parents (and re-married ones who have been there) so you have plenty of company who have been there done that or are doing it now. My ex doesn't "get it" at all and can't even be bothered to call his daughter, send her a card for xmas or birthdays, etc. She's given up on him.

    *hugs* and hang in there!
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Paperplate. My first marriage ended primarily because our third child was ADHD to the max. It was hard for me to cope. It was impossible for my Ex to cope. Ex was not (and is not) a "bad" man. He just could not accept that the life we had prior to her birth was never ever going to be again. It was difficult in many ways. The good news is that you can survive the trauma of being a single parent. Often life actually becomes less stressful because you are able to structure daily living in a way that better suits you and your difficult child. It also frees you to identify who you are as an individual...chances are you will learn to like yourself more.

    Surely you are in shock right now. Try to take your time in making any changes. Do be sure to protect your financial security to the best of your ability. Make sure that medical coverage doesn't get lost in the shuffle. by the way, in my experience, the children settled down quite well. Hold positive thoughts. Understanding supportive hugs. DDD
  4. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I don't have advice for you, but wanted you to know you were "heard". I'm sorry for your situation. I don't quite get how a man can just walk out on his family and family obligations and continue on as if nothing happened. You sound as if you've been a strong woman from the beginning caring for your family and keeping peace with your husband. It may just be easier without the burden of trying to make your husband be the man he should have been. Other members will chime in soon to offer and ear and a shoulder.
  5. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    I have been alone raising my 2 boys all by myself from day 1. Their father took off 4 months before they were born (they are twins) because the thought of being a father "scared" him, so he says. I don't even get child support much less any other kind of support.

    YOU can do this. YOU "get" your son. YOU know how to work with your son. YOU know what he needs and are willing to do what HE needs to succeed. Now you can spend your time working with your son instead of trying to "calm" his father. You are doing all the right things by your son and that is what your job as a mom is all about. Your husband might just be "grieving" what never will be ("normal" son to do father-son things with) OR he has issues of his own that prevent him from seeing the issues and knowing how to deal with them OR he is just a selfish fool that can't see what he does have.

    You can do a very good job by yourself. You come across as being a strong person. I have no doubt you will successfully raise your 3 children without having to worry about a "4th, grown-up child" (husband). That's the way I look at it. I just know that if my ex had stuck around, I'd be raising 3 children with issues, not 2.

    Good luck and I hope you find the convidence and strength you need to do well by your son. It can be done.
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Our kids are tough on many marriages, that's for sure. I'm sorry to hear about your situation...
  7. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    Lots of supportive thoughts going out to you! Is it possible that besides "ostrich syndrome", that your husband doesn't understand your son because your husband might be on the spectrum as well?
  8. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Chiming in with support - my husband and I got into it last night, and it wasn't pretty... it was the first time either of us has mentioned leaving. I'm traumatized from just having a conversation about it, BIG hugs to you! Keep posting, there is a lot of great support here.
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    (((Hugs))) Ostrich syndrome is very common and seems to affect men more often than women. Hopefully, he did not tell your son that he left because of him, that damage would be hard to undo.

    You may find that there is a silver lining here as you can focus on your son instead of having to "parent" your husband as well.
  10. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    Yeah, I'm looking for some kind of silver lining right now. I just don't get the lack of patience...maybe as ex-Army I just handle it better??? I don't know. There's nothing like having a guy with a full metal jacket screaming in your face, LOL. Maybe that's why I just don't feel the need to lose it over every little thing. My husband is the kind of guy who will repaint an entire room due to one tiny spot, that only he can see. Three different furniture sets and 4 years, if they got a spot, they had to go. Replaced the kitchen table 5 times in 8 years. If they got a ding, they had to go. I'm not oblivious to the strong Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) correlation, but I don't get why he can NOT see the similarities between himself and our son....I mean seriously, how can he NOT see that??? What gulls me is, I've put up with his odd behaviors for 16 years, but he can't put up with his child's???? WTH? It's mind boggling!
  11. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    And when I say repaint a room, I mean EVERY year, including venetian plaster, which we kept for 1 month only, because he thought it made the wall 'uneven'. We have vaulted ceilings and he's afraid of heights, so that meant every time he had a hissy fit, I was climbing the ladder. I've spent 16 years just trying to prevent various meltdowns and it's extremely annoying trying to deal with both a 13 yr old and a 41 yr old who clearly can't stand imperfection. Seriously, I'm therapy right now just to try and remember what life was like before it became an endless pattern of trying to reason with someone who clearly can't see reason. Everything was very so traumatic, there was no middle ground. I swear I have PTSD....and NOT from the Army. I realized about an hour ago that I forgot to take the towels out of the dryer and panicked, but then I remembered, hubby isn't here anymore, so who cares! He absolutely needed them folded while they were still hot, it was an absolute....I think I'm gonna leave those suckers in there for the next 3 days....
  12. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Be all means ENJOY leaving them in the dryer for 3 days! And yes your hub sounds VERY Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) himself.
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Next weekend might be a good time to empty the dryer. YOUR choice. :) Hugs. DDD
  14. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    Thanks everyone. Glad I found this board. There were plenty of days I wondered if I was the only person on the planet that felt this way.
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Paperplate.
    I agree, your ex-husband does sound Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) to me. But he should not just walk out on his responsibilities.
    I think, from your posts, that you will be happier without him.
    Go ahead and change the locks, and draw up some solid paperwork for child support. All that money spent on paint and furniture could have been used for Special Education teachers, in my humble opinion.

    Greenreene, hugs for you, too.

    This is actually pretty common.
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hi there!

    Yep. It is very common. My own husband had Ostrich Syndrome for a long time. I think - where men are concerned, and I could be completely off base here - women discuss ways to work on things and will try lots of different approaches, where men get frustrated when they can't FIX whatever is "wrong". Now if he is on the spectrum (and he sure sounds like it), he could fix a wall by painting the whole thing - but he cannot change his son - and that would be the ultimate frustration!

    You do need to look into child support, sweetie.

    :hugs: Welcome.
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well put, Step.
  19. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PP, first of all, many gentle hugs for you, what a transition you're in! I'm glad you have a therapist to help you now. And, I agree with the others, get yourself a good attorney. I have a strong feeling that once life settles down some, you are going to lighten up in ways you haven't thought possible in 16 years.

    Honey, this is the start of your new liberated life, you are FREE, no more controlling husband, just you and your son, and you can eat cupcakes for dinner, ding the heck out of the kitchen table, watch the paint peel off the walls, wear your fuzzy slippers to the market, leave the towels in the WASHER, don't even put them in the dryer, let them dry in the washer, REBEL, do it YOUR way, man, you deserve that. This may turn into the BEST thing that ever happened to you! (((HUGS))))
  20. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Could be.

    For me, in some respects it's been easier with-Ex gone from the household.

    My Ex never "got it" either. Seems it's very difficult for dad's to accept the fact that there's a problem.....

    Big hug