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The Angry Phase?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 652070" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>When our daughter was young (say, 14 or 15?) she would open her drapes, pull up her blinds, and wait for those people she was running with to coast to a stop in front of the house with their car motors turned off and their lights off.</p><p></p><p>Then, out the window she would go.</p><p></p><p>We lived in a split entry then, so the drop was considerable, though not what it would have been from a two-story house.</p><p></p><p>The neighbors told us about it.</p><p></p><p>When I went and sat in daughter's room? She was furious, refused to pull the blinds or close the drapes <em>and the jerky people in the car stayed right there, brazen as could be!!!</em></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is true. Additionally, if you become aware of the social services available to her, you will <em>know</em> she does not need the money for anything reputable. It will be easier to say "no".</p><p></p><p>Er...our daughter has been homeless at times, too.</p><p></p><p>Note I did not say easy.</p><p></p><p>None of this is easy.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>You will know when you want to face her. That is when she gets to speak to you. She has forfeited her right to immediate access.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening. As you become more comfortable with the theory of detachment parenting, your core beliefs about how to best mother your child will change. It will be easier, then. (That is how it was for me, anyway. I fought it so hard. I could not believe that more love, more understanding, less condemnation, better communication ~ all that stuff. I could not believe that I could not be the mom I wanted to be to my kids, because it was actually hurting them, keeping them dependent, preventing them from taking responsibility for themselves.</p><p></p><p>I still get into that echoey place, sometimes.</p><p></p><p>But that's okay.</p><p></p><p>We have one another now, here on the site.</p><p></p><p>After awhile? Everyone already knows how to comfort or instruct me. I always fall apart around the same issues.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard to learn how to do this without destroying something intrinsic to our self images.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I second this.</p><p></p><p>Not that you need to live in an armed camp, but that you need to begin seeing where it might be easy to steal from you ~ this includes credit card theft. Some literally priceless things were sold from our house ~ old things with historical significance that had been given to the kids by their grandfather, that kind of thing.</p><p></p><p>It never occurred to me to check whether these things were missing. I only really thought of it after cleaning the rooms and saying, "Huh. Where is...?"</p><p></p><p>Gone.</p><p></p><p>Threats had been made on our lives, to coerce daughter into doing what was wanted. There were people watching the house. They would tell her what they had seen, what we had all been doing, to prove they could have shot through a window.</p><p></p><p>Funny, how you can live a life and never have a clue.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There is a level of permission, a letting go of our own standards of the warm, understanding mom we all wanted to be that has to happen before we can bear to look at how we feel about the betrayals, the multiple betrayals, involved in loving an addicted kid.</p><p></p><p>It's scary, because I don't want not to love them; I don't want to be disgusted, so sometimes I don't know how to see what is there. I have a numb place. What I have learned is that over time, we do fall back in love with them <em>when it is safe for us to do so.</em></p><p></p><p>So much of what we have to face is impossible to face. Convincing ourselves it is anything but what it is leaves us vulnerable...and we are targets, when our children are addicted.</p><p></p><p>There was a thread here awhile back where we talked about (okay, I talked about) whether drug use destroys the sense of empathy.</p><p></p><p>Nothing else explains how our own kids can do what they do, coldly and without remorse, to their own moms and dads.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>She is. And worse, she is manipulating you. In other words, she knows what this situation is doing to you <em>and she is still pushing, still abrading your boundaries and your heart and pissing all over your rights and your rules</em> with knowledge and intent.</p><p></p><p>You are her mother.</p><p></p><p>Where do these kids get off?!? These same little kids who loved us so much, and of whom we were so crazy-proud, to dishonor and horrify and sicken us this way?</p><p></p><p>That is why I believe drug use destroys empathy.</p><p></p><p>And that is why I say she has forfeited her right to immediate access to her mom.</p><p></p><p>Things have changed.</p><p></p><p>And she is the one who changed them.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, wow, Echo.</p><p></p><p>This is good.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Echo is right. Daughter has no right to treat you this way. She was raised better, and she does know better. You will be teaching her what will work with you through these next weeks and months.</p><p></p><p>Her behavior will escalate.</p><p></p><p>Try to be ready. We are right here.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am glad, Echo.</p><p></p><p>I wasn't sure how you were holding up.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We are teaching our children how to work us, what works with us, how to get what they want from us. It is up to us to set a standard. They may look grown up, but when the kids are addicted, they are like conscienceless little kids.</p><p></p><p>Bright, and cunning.</p><p></p><p>But especially dangerous to us because we love them the way mothers love.</p><p></p><p>I know that is sexist, but I see a pragmatism in my D H that I have had to work very hard to develop regarding pretty much everything, but especially my kids.</p><p></p><p>It's been really hard.</p><p></p><p>We say we need to be wise and wary, where our addicted children are concerned.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 652070, member: 17461"] When our daughter was young (say, 14 or 15?) she would open her drapes, pull up her blinds, and wait for those people she was running with to coast to a stop in front of the house with their car motors turned off and their lights off. Then, out the window she would go. We lived in a split entry then, so the drop was considerable, though not what it would have been from a two-story house. The neighbors told us about it. When I went and sat in daughter's room? She was furious, refused to pull the blinds or close the drapes [I]and the jerky people in the car stayed right there, brazen as could be!!![/I] This is true. Additionally, if you become aware of the social services available to her, you will [I]know[/I] she does not need the money for anything reputable. It will be easier to say "no". Er...our daughter has been homeless at times, too. Note I did not say easy. None of this is easy. Yes. You will know when you want to face her. That is when she gets to speak to you. She has forfeited her right to immediate access. I am sorry this is happening. As you become more comfortable with the theory of detachment parenting, your core beliefs about how to best mother your child will change. It will be easier, then. (That is how it was for me, anyway. I fought it so hard. I could not believe that more love, more understanding, less condemnation, better communication ~ all that stuff. I could not believe that I could not be the mom I wanted to be to my kids, because it was actually hurting them, keeping them dependent, preventing them from taking responsibility for themselves. I still get into that echoey place, sometimes. But that's okay. We have one another now, here on the site. After awhile? Everyone already knows how to comfort or instruct me. I always fall apart around the same issues. It is very hard to learn how to do this without destroying something intrinsic to our self images. I second this. Not that you need to live in an armed camp, but that you need to begin seeing where it might be easy to steal from you ~ this includes credit card theft. Some literally priceless things were sold from our house ~ old things with historical significance that had been given to the kids by their grandfather, that kind of thing. It never occurred to me to check whether these things were missing. I only really thought of it after cleaning the rooms and saying, "Huh. Where is...?" Gone. Threats had been made on our lives, to coerce daughter into doing what was wanted. There were people watching the house. They would tell her what they had seen, what we had all been doing, to prove they could have shot through a window. Funny, how you can live a life and never have a clue. There is a level of permission, a letting go of our own standards of the warm, understanding mom we all wanted to be that has to happen before we can bear to look at how we feel about the betrayals, the multiple betrayals, involved in loving an addicted kid. It's scary, because I don't want not to love them; I don't want to be disgusted, so sometimes I don't know how to see what is there. I have a numb place. What I have learned is that over time, we do fall back in love with them [I]when it is safe for us to do so.[/I] So much of what we have to face is impossible to face. Convincing ourselves it is anything but what it is leaves us vulnerable...and we are targets, when our children are addicted. There was a thread here awhile back where we talked about (okay, I talked about) whether drug use destroys the sense of empathy. Nothing else explains how our own kids can do what they do, coldly and without remorse, to their own moms and dads. She is. And worse, she is manipulating you. In other words, she knows what this situation is doing to you [I]and she is still pushing, still abrading your boundaries and your heart and pissing all over your rights and your rules[/I] with knowledge and intent. You are her mother. Where do these kids get off?!? These same little kids who loved us so much, and of whom we were so crazy-proud, to dishonor and horrify and sicken us this way? That is why I believe drug use destroys empathy. And that is why I say she has forfeited her right to immediate access to her mom. Things have changed. And she is the one who changed them. I am so sorry. Oh, wow, Echo. This is good. :O) Echo is right. Daughter has no right to treat you this way. She was raised better, and she does know better. You will be teaching her what will work with you through these next weeks and months. Her behavior will escalate. Try to be ready. We are right here. I am glad, Echo. I wasn't sure how you were holding up. Yes. We are teaching our children how to work us, what works with us, how to get what they want from us. It is up to us to set a standard. They may look grown up, but when the kids are addicted, they are like conscienceless little kids. Bright, and cunning. But especially dangerous to us because we love them the way mothers love. I know that is sexist, but I see a pragmatism in my D H that I have had to work very hard to develop regarding pretty much everything, but especially my kids. It's been really hard. We say we need to be wise and wary, where our addicted children are concerned. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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