The Appearance

[New Leaf]

Be careful what you wish for.
We were driving up our road late afternoon yesterday and in the near distance a figure was walking a bike uphill. My granddaughter said “Oh no, she looks familar, I think that’s my mom.”
I thought it was one of our drug worn neighbors, but lo and behold, it was Tornado. My son got out of the truck and started talking with her. She said “The cops are after me, they are bullies.” I don’t know if there is truth to that or she was in the realm of meth paranoia, probably a mix of both. She has the haggard look of her life’s choices and was obviously high. She came up to the house and showered with our hose, asked for clothes, avoided speaking with me. I asked her why she left rehab, to which she muttered, “I don’t know.” I asked her where she was living and she said she climbs up Diamond head and lives “with an uncle.” She has a large scar on her shoulder, she said “Remember Mom, I told you I got stabbed in February.”
It’s sad to see her in such a state, sadder still for her daughter, who of course was affected, but does not say much.
My son tried to talk with his sister but she brushed him off, saying that he wouldn’t understand, he hasn’t been through what she has. She left after asking for a hug from her daughter, which I’m sure was hard for her.
I am resigned not to let this reside in my head and heart, and if I feel it dragging me down, to give it to prayer. There is nothing I can do to stop the train wreck. It has to be her decision to choose differently.
I can’t imagine living the life both my daughters have become accustomed to. I know more than ever that contact is not healthy or safe for us.
It is a jolt to the heart, but after years and years of this, I am more caught off guard than anything. Breathe, pray, regroup. I have to focus on the positive.
Lord give us all strength and peace of mind and heart.
Leaf

 

[Crayola13]

I’m sorry you had to see her in that state. You’ve done a great job trying to comfort and help your grandchildren, which is all you can do until your daughter decides she truly wants a different lifestyle. It has to be in her own time. Addicts know they need to change for their families, but until they want it for themselves, above anybody else, they don’t stop using.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Crayola,
Thank you for your kind response.

I’m sorry you had to see her in that state. You’ve done a great job trying to comfort and help your grandchildren, which is all you can do until your daughter decides she truly wants a different lifestyle. It has to be in her own time. Addicts know they need to change for their families, but until they want it for themselves, above anybody else, they don’t stop using.

I am sorry as well, but, at least I know she is still on Gods green earth. Unfortunately, the truth is, she has to decide for herself. I don’t even know what rock bottom is anymore, seems my two have gone to the depths and are not phased. We have to live our lives as best can under the circumstances. It is my responsibility to model that for my grandchildren. I am truly blessed with that.
(((Hugs)))
Leaf

 

[newstart]

Be careful what you wish for.
We were driving up our road late afternoon yesterday and in the near distance a figure was walking a bike uphill. My granddaughter said “Oh no, she looks familar, I think that’s my mom.”
I thought it was one of our drug worn neighbors, but lo and behold, it was Tornado. My son got out of the truck and started talking with her. She said “The cops are after me, they are bullies.” I don’t know if there is truth to that or she was in the realm of meth paranoia, probably a mix of both. She has the haggard look of her life’s choices and was obviously high. She came up to the house and showered with our hose, asked for clothes, avoided speaking with me. I asked her why she left rehab, to which she muttered, “I don’t know.” I asked her where she was living and she said she climbs up Diamond head and lives “with an uncle.” She has a large scar on her shoulder, she said “Remember Mom, I told you I got stabbed in February.”
It’s sad to see her in such a state, sadder still for her daughter, who of course was affected, but does not say much.
My son tried to talk with his sister but she brushed him off, saying that he wouldn’t understand, he hasn’t been through what she has. She left after asking for a hug from her daughter, which I’m sure was hard for her.
I am resigned not to let this reside in my head and heart, and if I feel it dragging me down, to give it to prayer. There is nothing I can do to stop the train wreck. It has to be her decision to choose differently.
I can’t imagine living the life both my daughters have become accustomed to. I know more than ever that contact is not healthy or safe for us.
It is a jolt to the heart, but after years and years of this, I am more caught off guard than anything. Breathe, pray, regroup. I have to focus on the positive.
Lord give us all strength and peace of mind and heart.
Leaf

Hi New Leaf, Each time I see one of your posts I pray that you will be writing about good news or growth in one of your daughters. My heart hurts for you. Prayers are all around you and your family. Please God straighten their minds so they can move forwards. Prayers for your strength too. I just hate that this is still happening.

 

[Nomad]

I’m so sorry , Leaf. That had to be extremely difficult.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Newstart,
Thank you for your loving response.

Hi New Leaf, Each time I see one of your posts I pray that you will be writing about good news or growth in one of your daughters. My heart hurts for you. Prayers are all around you and your family. Please God straighten their minds so they can move forwards. Prayers for your strength too. I just hate that this is still happening.

I wish I could write good news or growth about my two. I am hoping that these stints in rehab will one day open my daughters heart and mind. I so appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers. I hate that this is still happening as well. It is definitely a shock to the soul to witness it up close and personal. I was watching some reels from Instagram about addiction, the man that posts goes down to an encampment in Pennsylvania and films the people who live there, not to shame, he says, but to educate. A lot of the stories the homeless share are pretty traumatic, awful childhoods, devastating loss, etc. Some of them talk about family disowning them, “They won’t help me, they have money and addictions of their own…….”.
I guess I am trying to look at this from the other side? Maybe it’s a form of self inflicted torture, I don’t know, I just can’t wrap my head around the degraded living my two accept as a consequence.
I have to stop myself from dwelling on something that I have no control over. I am thinking of Doris Day singing “Ke Sera, Sera.” Geez, the places the mind goes to cover over deep wounds. But I have to redirect. It’s survival mode. I don’t want to just survive, Newstart, I want to live. You know? I’m not getting any younger.
There’s a truck that drives around the area that I spot every so often because of a big sticker on the back windshield.
It says “DAMN KIDS!”
Yup, damn kids. Well, adult kids.
Ugh!
Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Nomie,
Hope things are going well for you. Thank you so much for your kindness.

I’m so sorry , Leaf. That had to be extremely difficult.

It was difficult, and awkward as heck. It’s scary to see what this drug does to people’s minds and bodies. My daughter is in there somewhere……sigh.
Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Nomie,
Hope things are going well for you. Thank you so much for your kindness.

I’m so sorry , Leaf. That had to be extremely difficult.

It was difficult, and awkward as heck. It’s scary to see what this drug does to people’s minds and bodies. There is a drug house further down the road and I have seen and heard just about everything, including a cousins grandson in full on meth psychosis threatening to kill her. Excuse the language but WTF? So, I am not entertaining at all attempting to engage with my two unless they enter and complete rehab. It’s not abandonment, it’s self protection. I’ll just have to fill the hole in my heart with prayer.
Ouch.
Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Oops double post! My bad!

 

[KTMom91]

Oh, Leafy, that had to be so difficult, for you and especially for your granddaughter, seeing Tornado like that. Many, many hugs to both of you.

 

[Kalahou]

Aloha Leaf ,

I am resigned not to let this reside in my head and heart, and if I feel it dragging me down, to give it to prayer. There is nothing I can do to stop the train wreck. It has to be her decision to choose differently.

With you in this stance, sweet Tita ! You are one strong lady. It is not easy !
Love and prayers. Kalahou

 

[healinginside]

Hi Nomie,
Hope things are going well for you. Thank you so much for your kindness.

It was difficult, and awkward as heck. It’s scary to see what this drug does to people’s minds and bodies. My daughter is in there somewhere……sigh.
Leaf

Leaf,
You really helped me at some low points and I wish I could help give you strength, too. Seeing can be like a knife in the heart and it awakens those maternal instincts that make us want to "make everything better" but we can't. As I say, "I can't fix this". If we could fix it, it would be fixed! It is maddening that it is out of our control but the only thing we can control is ourselves. I feel like you are protecting your granddaughter the same way that I protect my daughter. I have to keep her safe, she did not do anything to deserve this, I don't want to have any regrets about compromising her safety to help him. It is hard as hell but I have to let go and let God. After a huge blowup, trauma, confrontation, one thing that helps me is that I just said to myself, "right now everyone is OK". Even though he is on the streets, the moment is over and we just have to take a few really deep breaths, move on from the moment and save our strength until tomorrow because we're going to need it. Hugs, love and prayers to you. Peace and light to you.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi KT,
Thank you so much.

Oh, Leafy, that had to be so difficult, for you and especially for your granddaughter, seeing Tornado like that. Many, many hugs to both of you.

It was difficult, but drives home the reality that I have absolutely no control over her choices. I am healing and praying that she will see the light one day. I feel for my granddaughter and hope that she is able to process all of this in due time.
Hugs back at you and thank you for your kindness.
Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Aloha Kalahou,
There is no other option but to build strength and rely on Akua.

With you in this stance, sweet Tita ! You are one strong lady. It is not easy !
Love and prayers. Kalahou

It is not that I am so strong my sister, I have built upon the kindness and fellowship with the sweet souls on this site to help me through the dark times. I so appreciate your love and prayers. The same aloha and pule is held heart-fully for you, dear Tita. May we continue to grow and trust in God that it will be alright. You are right, it is hard. I am going through old broken photo albums and oh the memories. I have put off the task to replace the photos in new albums long enough, feeling that it would be a trigger, but, I am able to look over them now and realize how truly blessed I was in raising my children. They are adults now and must find their own way. It will be as they choose.
Much love and hugs
Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

Hello Brokeninside,
Thank you so much for your kind response. When I wrote your name, I thought, “No, not broken, healing, you are healing. We are all working really hard on this, healing. It is so difficult to watch our adult children go down this path.

I wish I could help give you strength, too. Seeing can be like a knife in the heart and it awakens those maternal instincts that make us want to "make everything better" but we can't.

I think that we all strengthen one another with the honesty, reality and despair of our situations with our beloveds, your words do give me strength and I thank you. Like you posted concerning your son, it is a gut punch. I am working hard at building myself back up so that I am not doubled over with emotion, it does me no good. Honestly, after all of these years, I still have to process the feelings. (Well obviously by my posting). But, I am not at the point I was years ago, when I felt the need to open up my home and “fix it.” Thank God. All that did was bring the consequences of my twos choices up close and personal. No bueno.

I feel like you are protecting your granddaughter the same way that I protect my daughter. I have to keep her safe, she did not do anything to deserve this, I don't want to have any regrets about compromising her safety to help him. It is hard as hell but I have to let go and let God

You know, looking back, when I was in “rescue mode”, my focus was on trying to fix the unfixable. My grandchildren were so young and hubs and my concern was mostly for their welfare. What we didn’t realize was the affect that had on our own two younger children. They are in their twenties now and talk about the chaos they grew up in, due to their sisters choices while in our home. The revolving door we had. They would come and go, and I would rearrange the house to accommodate them. Along with that would come drama and all kinds of crazy. Then they would leave and the house would be quiet again, until they were kicked out from where they were and back they would come. I feel awful about that, but I can’t change history. So yes, I am fiercely protecting my granddaughter, Lord knows she has seen and dealt with more than enough drama. You are so right to focus on your teenaged daughter. She has a right to a peaceful home, as do you and your husband. When an adult child is acting out to the point where the peace and safety of our homes is in jeopardy, it behooves us to take a stance. We are doing our beloved wayward adult children no favor by allowing them to be outrageous in our homes, to disrespect us.

Even though he is on the streets, the moment is over and we just have to take a few really deep breaths, move on from the moment and save our strength until tomorrow because we're going to need it. Hugs, love and prayers to you. Peace and light to you.

Yes, we definitely need strength to deal with this reality. Detachment does not mean we don’t love our wayward children, we do with all of our hearts. We can still love them, but get off the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with the consequences of their choices. It is so not healthy for us. Being able to come here and write out incidences, hear from others, process feelings and know that I am not alone has helped me tremendously. Hugs, love and prayers to you as well, Healinginside. We are not broken. We did not cause this, can’t control it.
I still believe wholeheartedly that by living our best lives, we are shining the light that they can, too.
Peace and light to you.
Self love is not selfish. It is what we wish for all of our children, that they would love themselves enough to choose better.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[in a daze]

I am so sorry, Leaf.

your strength and resolve inspires me.

 

[healinginside]

Hello Brokeninside,
Thank you so much for your kind response. When I wrote your name, I thought, “No, not broken, healing, you are healing. We are all working really hard on this, healing. It is so difficult to watch our adult children go down this path.

I think that we all strengthen one another with the honesty, reality and despair of our situations with our beloveds, your words do give me strength and I thank you. Like you posted concerning your son, it is a gut punch. I am working hard at building myself back up so that I am not doubled over with emotion, it does me no good. Honestly, after all of these years, I still have to process the feelings. (Well obviously by my posting). But, I am not at the point I was years ago, when I felt the need to open up my home and “fix it.” Thank God. All that did was bring the consequences of my twos choices up close and personal. No bueno.

You know, looking back, when I was in “rescue mode”, my focus was on trying to fix the unfixable. My grandchildren were so young and hubs and my concern was mostly for their welfare. What we didn’t realize was the affect that had on our own two younger children. They are in their twenties now and talk about the chaos they grew up in, due to their sisters choices while in our home. The revolving door we had. They would come and go, and I would rearrange the house to accommodate them. Along with that would come drama and all kinds of crazy. Then they would leave and the house would be quiet again, until they were kicked out from where they were and back they would come. I feel awful about that, but I can’t change history. So yes, I am fiercely protecting my granddaughter, Lord knows she has seen and dealt with more than enough drama. You are so right to focus on your teenaged daughter. She has a right to a peaceful home, as do you and your husband. When an adult child is acting out to the point where the peace and safety of our homes is in jeopardy, it behooves us to take a stance. We are doing our beloved wayward adult children no favor by allowing them to be outrageous in our homes, to disrespect us.

Yes, we definitely need strength to deal with this reality. Detachment does not mean we don’t love our wayward children, we do with all of our hearts. We can still love them, but get off the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with the consequences of their choices. It is so not healthy for us. Being able to come here and write out incidences, hear from others, process feelings and know that I am not alone has helped me tremendously. Hugs, love and prayers to you as well, Healinginside. We are not broken. We did not cause this, can’t control it.
I still believe wholeheartedly that by living our best lives, we are shining the light that they can, too.
Peace and light to you.
Self love is not selfish. It is what we wish for all of our children, that they would love themselves enough to choose better.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

Thank you You are such a good writer and your messages just really touch me I love the entire mind shift from broken inside to healing inside. That brought some joy into my night. Hugs to you and thank you

 

[Mixed up Mom]

Be careful what you wish for.
We were driving up our road late afternoon yesterday and in the near distance a figure was walking a bike uphill. My granddaughter said “Oh no, she looks familar, I think that’s my mom.”
I thought it was one of our drug worn neighbors, but lo and behold, it was Tornado. My son got out of the truck and started talking with her. She said “The cops are after me, they are bullies.” I don’t know if there is truth to that or she was in the realm of meth paranoia, probably a mix of both. She has the haggard look of her life’s choices and was obviously high. She came up to the house and showered with our hose, asked for clothes, avoided speaking with me. I asked her why she left rehab, to which she muttered, “I don’t know.” I asked her where she was living and she said she climbs up Diamond head and lives “with an uncle.” She has a large scar on her shoulder, she said “Remember Mom, I told you I got stabbed in February.”
It’s sad to see her in such a state, sadder still for her daughter, who of course was affected, but does not say much.
My son tried to talk with his sister but she brushed him off, saying that he wouldn’t understand, he hasn’t been through what she has. She left after asking for a hug from her daughter, which I’m sure was hard for her.
I am resigned not to let this reside in my head and heart, and if I feel it dragging me down, to give it to prayer. There is nothing I can do to stop the train wreck. It has to be her decision to choose differently.
I can’t imagine living the life both my daughters have become accustomed to. I know more than ever that contact is not healthy or safe for us.
It is a jolt to the heart, but after years and years of this, I am more caught off guard than anything. Breathe, pray, regroup. I have to focus on the positive.
Lord give us all strength and peace of mind and heart.
Leaf

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It is all so hard. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Copabanana]

hi new leaf--only just now seeing your posts. sorry. i broke my arm so unable to type. you know how sorry i am.

this is why i try not to see my son. the pain and shock of it. we do not have to take in or be responsible for their descent. love is not that. love is staying strong and whole and hopeful about life.

last year my son was here for thanksgiving, and today he is in the street. sad. but not broken. love.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh no Copa!
I am so sorry to hear that you broke your arm. Praying for quick healing and recovery!
I am trying to process the shock of how Tornado presented. She looked old, haggard. Like those before and after pictures of years of meth use. I don’t know if she sees that in her state of mind.
Holidays are hard. Family time is awesome, but that ever present ache.

this is why i try not to see my son. the pain and shock of it. we do not have to take in or be responsible for their descent. love is not that. love is staying strong and whole and hopeful about life.

You are right Copa, love is not that. I am guessing she showed up out of paranoia and desperation, because she seldom shows when she is “out there.” She showed up again riding a moped a few days afterwards. Came in the house and showered, asked for clothes. We have not seen her since. Tornado had a court sentencing on 11/23. I can search that up on a site online. She missed it, so she has a bench warrant and hopefully they will find her soon and she will be back in jail. What a thing to wish for. But, at least I know she has a roof over her head, and another chance to try at rehab.

last year my son was here for thanksgiving, and today he is in the street. sad. but not broken. love.

Yes, sad, but not broken. What good does it do for us to take on the degradation of their life choices and be miserable? What good does it do to sacrifice our joy? I am trying to focus on being grateful for the time I had raising my two. There are many fond memories. I could not bare to look at old photos before, but my albums were in such a state that I had to remove the pictures. I am slowly going through them and reducing duplicates and such. I have healed enough to the point where reviewing the past does not make me think of my two now, as the little children I raised. Years ago, I would be lost in the FOG and depressed, reeling the tapes. Maybe it is that this road has been so long, the sting of their path hits upon emotional callouses built up. They are adults and will choose as they do. Sad, but not broken. If we allow ourselves to be broken, we are literally following their path of destruction. Moths to the flame. No, just no. It will be a continuous battle to rise above and live in gratitude and grace. But totally worth the effort. Much love to you dear friend and again, prayers for healing.
Gentle (((hugs)))
New Leaf